My one week left of holidays has just started. What the flying fuck. Why is time passing so fast?

It's 12.39am now and...... sigh you know what i am really starting to hate social media a lot. It's like I don't like to see some things and yet I rather know than not know. I really can't help but feel insecure. I don't know. What the hell. How come everytime I stalk around I see new things from the past? It's weird it's as if Facebook is slowly revealing all the stupid posts. I feel creepy because why the hell am I stalking them? Maybe because he once loved them like how he loves me now. & Knowing that one of them is his first love doesn't make things any better. Of course I've had my own share of nonsense but I can say very loudly he is my first love. I've never reached to the point of loving any one of them in my past. 

I used to say things like the past doesn't matter, what matters is what's present and what's in the future. But it's actually so hard. Because the past is seriously what made you now. You can never let go of it. I was reading those posts and I could genuinely feel the level of hurt he had been through and it sucks. I don't know even know why I felt hurt? WHY AM I SO ABNORMAL. Everytime he says things like "You're the only one that make me feel this way" "You're the only one.........", I'd think how he used to say it to his ex... I'd think like his ex used to be his only one. WHY AM I LIKE THIS OMG CAN I GET OVER IT. 

I know people say "just treasure the moments you have because the future is unpredictable". But I can't.... I'm really afraid of what will happen. I really can't afford to lose him. What happens if I really do... I can say for sure I'll not let him go. I am not doubting his love for me. But he's a guy.... & guys see more than they feel.... I am not attractive... I am so insecure because he has so many pretty girls on his Facebook. Why does he have girls who posts such revealing photos... Why does he like those photos... 

I am such an active social media person. But because of those idiotic posts in the past that I see on Facebook, I refuse to be like one of them. I refuse to let his friends say things like "woah change new one again ah" "woah another one ah". NO. I fucking do not wish to hear that. I refuse!!! 

I've been really feeling like shit since Christmas.... Nothing is making me smile at all. Even him because he's been so busy and not that I don't understand. It's just that the timing sucks.... When I need him by my side he's not there... I feel like shit. I haven't really had the time to talk to him. I miss him so much it's driving me crazy. How did I become this attached??? My heart literally aches. It hurts. I don't know what's going on inside. I can't believe I'm typing all these but I'm just assuming no one reads my blog anymore so I shall just say whatever I want... 

Maybe this is post school depression. School's gonna start... I'm gonna have no fucking time. It's my last semester but it's gonna make me depressed as fuck. :'( I really don't know why this feeling sucks so much. School why do you make me so depressed? 

"Because people have made her promises in the past and they’ve broken them. Because no matter how hard she works or how good of a person she is, she doesn’t believe she is worthy of love. Because she’s had too many people leave her – both intentionally and unintentionally – and she doesn’t want to give you the chance to leave too.

She’s had moments where she didn’t know how she was going to keep going. Moments where she didn’t think she could get out of bed, and worse momentswhere she did get out of bed and she felt like an empty shell while she was walking around. At some points, she was so lost and so torn up that she wasn’t even sure if she was real.

Sometimes she can’t believe that you love her, but other times she doesn’t want to believe that you love her, because that would just be too good, and good is not what she’s used to. She doesn’t want to love you and then lose you. She’s scared, because having someone and then not suddenly not having them is a lot scarier than being alone.

She’s seen some beautiful love, but she has a hard time remembering that kind of love when she’s watching the sadder stories unfold. She’s seen her friends get hurt, and she’s seen her friends hurt other people. She knows that breaking someone’s heart doesn’t always mean you’re a jerk or a heartless monster. She knows good people hurt other good people. Sometimes one person just doesn’t love another in the same way. Sometimes they did love that person and then they fall out of it. Either way, they have to be honest with themselves, and they have to be fair to the other person. In the end, someone always gets crushed.

Somewhere inside of her, once you get past all of the defense mechanisms, she is soft and she feels things and she believes that you love her. But this is also the part of her that is the most vulnerable. She knows that if she’s going to let herself feel what you’re telling her and if she’s going to believe that you love her, she’s going to have to expose her soft side, her vulnerable side – the side she works the hardest to keep safe."

To be honest I can see us going far... I just don't know why I always have so many insecure thoughts... So many thoughts and more more more thoughts. I'm still really very scared to open up. I'm very scared one day you're no longer there. I'm so fucking scared my invisible balls are gonna drop. Really no one has ever ever loved me like you do. I've never ever been this attached to anyone ever since I was a kid... :'( I'm afraid.  I'm afraid to say it because when I think of it, I see it in my head and I'll cry. 

I finally understand what it means when they say love is painful. It indeed is. Everytime I feel insecure I remember what Amanda told me... How she was so sick of trying to make her ex feel secure. I am so scared if I don't change, one day he'll really get tired of me. 

I wish he's lying by my side now... I feel so broken but I don't want him to know. He's gonna find out though... He always does and it scares me... I can't hide my feelings for long. Sigh. His hug is all I need right now..