Just came back from fucking Bangkok. Worst trip ever. All thanks to my father. So this was how it happened.

So I went out on Christmas Eve night with my boyfriend. Told my mom I'd be back before 2am. But I  reached home before 1am. Next morning, which was Christmas day, my dad texted me and told me he needed to talk to me. I was so bloody fucking sleepy. It was one of those moments when you were awake only enough to look at your phone and reply a few messages. & so coincidentally group chats and boyf were spamming at the same time. So i got annoyed and just replied them all. Dad blue ticked me and didn't reply. So i asked him why he needed to talk to me. Of course he blue ticked me again and didn't reply. Ok that was that.

After I bathed and everything I asked my mom why dad wanted to talk to me. Cuz my dad wouldn't just randomly say he wanna talk to me. Something must have happened. So mom told me what he wanted to ask and I'm like okay. I wanted to talk to him only to realise he wasn't home. & I just had no fucking time. I woke up at 11 and I was meeting Dylan at 12. I had to be back before 1.30 because we had to reach the airport by 2. After lunch with Dylan, he followed me back home. Dad black faced me all the way. No rhyme no reason. Obviously mama was my spy but I have my senses too. I obviously knew he was fucking mad at me. GOD KNOWS WHY KAY

I wanted to greet him when I returned home but no. His face made me repel. I quickly packed my stuff and told Dylan to meet me at the airport. Mom was texting me throughout. When I saw him there the family just walked away from me. Thanks dad. You're so supportive. I walked behind them and reached the cafe they were at. Dad's face was so mother fucking black it was darker than charcoal. Mom was still texting me. And I was just talking to Dylan. Like everybody was just telling me to give way to him. WHY DA FAK. But ok for their sake I did.

Throughout the whole mother fucking trip all he did was showed me fucking black face. When I was buying dylan's clothes all he could do was give me that cb face. Why must he make me feel guilty for loving someone? Why can't he just be happy for me? Why can't he just mother fucking let me date my man and feel happy at the same time? Why must he always make things so mother fucking hard? Ok fine so he didn't talk to me at all. Every night he would go out with his friends and drink drink drink and drink even more.

That was that. I tried talking to him. Nope didn't really work he still got angry when I shopped for dylan's stuff. It made me think so hard. Like was it a right choice to tell him? Why must I face his shit? So unnecessary. I try so hard to think from his point of view. But god damn it you're a fucking man. Can you man the fuck up and stop acting like a girl. ONLY GIRLS BEHAVE THAT WAY.

I had so much on my mind. I had no wifi at all throughout the trip except at night when I'm at the hotel. I know dylan has his own life and a lot of things to settle too. But wow what right timing he chose to settle his stuff. Every night when I come back to the hotel I look forward to talking to him. I thought to myself "fine since my dad's been spoiling my mood the entire day and since i've been tolerating him because of the promise i made to dylan, i've survived the entire day tolerating and i deserve to be happy even it's just at night." But no. Every night I come back, Dylan's busy settling some impt stuff and I'm just left there thinking shit and thinking why he couldn't he have settled his shit in the afternoon.... I was just fucking sad.

Family and boyfriend family and boyfriend. That's not it. I was also thinking about my friend. I hate how he's always so last minute. But I can't blame him either because it's the SAF's decisions. Ok fine. But I've already had plans for new years eve. I felt fucking bad to cancel plans. I wanted to work something out so I wouldn't hurt her and still could spend time with her.. But no. Obviously she couldn't understand my situation. Not something that I can blame her for because I, on the other hand, understands where she's coming from. & that's why I felt so bad. Twitter kills people I swear. The kind of shit people tweet when they're upset or angry. It's just hurtful. I admit I do it sometimes too but I make sure the other party doesn't see it. & if i wrote something just because I was angry I'd delete it after.

I hate to say this but it's fucking hard to juggle so many bloody things when I have so little mother fucking time. I hate that everyone is giving me a hard time. I know I can never please everyone but she's my best friend. The least I expected of her was to understand that I never meant to hurt her in any way. It's enough that my father is giving me so much bullshit. Now she's just adding on to my stress. Thanks. Really.

She can't understand that it's not that I don't want to accompany to club. I know what kind of a person I am when I club. Not that I cannot control and all that shit. I can if I don't drink. But it's tiring. The last time I went there I swore to god it was really not a good experience for me. & I am attached now. I have to think of how he feels also. I wouldnt say I'm tied down by him. But I've decided to commit to him and it's only right to put his feelings into consideration. That being said, of course I have to think of her feelings too. But she she cannot understand. I don't know how to explain to her. I'm not trying to be miss-know-it-all right here but I just know her response would be "JUST GO WHY HE CONTROL YOU UNTIL LIDDAT ETC ETC." IT'S NOT. I don't fucking know how to explain this at all. I CHOOSE NOT TO. I choose not to waste 4-6 hours getting wasted and killing my legs and loathing myself the next day. I fucking hate it!!!!!

There are things that she's doing that I think is super wrong. I hate that I was part of what she has become. If it weren't for my craziness she really wouldn't have become what she was. I HATE IT AND I JUST REALLY ARGHHHHHH MY HEAD IS GONNA EXPLODE ANYTIME BUT NO FUCKING ONE WOULD UNDERSTAND.

No this is not a post that I'm gonna regret posting. Because yeah I've been hella keeping everything in and i'm getting nothing out of this. Why do I have to keep thinking about how others feel. WHO THE FUCK IS THINKING ABOUT HOW I FEEL????? Nope. No one.