Finally have the opportunity to blog.

Yesterday he got angry with me for the first time ever... Like legit and I was seriously so scared and I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't dare to say anything because any words that I say I will just end up crying. Like literally tears were on the edge of my eyes already. I kinda felt like I definitely should say sorry because I hurt his feelings but... At the same time I felt like I didn't have anything to hide.. I don't know if I'm being selfish. 

So this was what happened.

So yesterday we were on the cab on the way back to his friend's house to get his wisdom tooth medicine. On the way there, his friend, J, kept texting him non stop to ask him to go eat dinner. Then J ended up calling him. So while they were talking, I suddenly hear a girl's voice on the phone. & seriously it sounded so bloody annoying I almost wanted to punch the phone. I mean my boyfriend has told me about this girl that his friend likes. But he didn't tell me that he knew this girl personally. Then this girl was just on the phone acting so cute and all I just got so mad (internally, secretly.) So the whole intention of the call was to ask Dylan to go down to have dinner with them. After the hang the call, J continued texting Dylan. And J also mentioned that this girl really wanted to see him cuz she hasn't seen him in a long time. Like whuuuuuut who da fak 

Okay whatever I don't careeeeeee I decided to just throw it aside and as usual, use my phone check my social apps just to not think about whatever I was thinking. So then I was on snapchat looking at people's mystorys. It just so happened that Jonas' mystory was the first on my list so I clicked and it was a video of him dk doing what. Dylan saw and asked me who it was. I'm like just a close friend. Then he replied me "Do you know what is JEALOUS". I thought he was kidding and mind you I was also in the jealousy state TOO I had no intention to entertain or talk to him. So I just answered him in a very nonchalant manner "Aiya nth to be jealous one la". So yeah he got mad. & he didn't talk to me at all after that. When we were walking he just walked in front and totally ignored me. I got so scared I just didn't know what to do. 

I felt like what the hell its just bloody Jonas why the hell he jealous for. But then again he doesn't know who Jonas is. & also it's not like I was on the phone talking to Jonas, or like texting him.... I just saw his bloody snapchat..!?!?!??! Why should I apologise. Oh my god. Then okay so dinner we just didn't talk at all. He kinda gave in and ask me why I was so like meh. Of course I asked him back because he was the one who started it. So he said he already told me before he gets jealous very easily. I'm like omg it makes sense if I was texting him or something but I was just seeing a bloody snapchat.... & He told me as long as I am looking at some other guy and he sees it, he just gets very mad... & he told me that if I want to see, don't see it in front of him.... What kind of nonsense is this. I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. Why should I do it behind his back.... 

I couldn't agree to his way of thinking... I don't want him to think that he infront of me act angel all then behind me he can see other girls' photos or something. Because I don't do that. & I have always been seeing the kind of photos he likes on Facebook. It irritates me sooooooo fucking much cuz it's always either the girls are pretty and slim or the girls boobs are just fucking hanging out. Like FUCK YOU BITCHES CAN YOU KEEP UR BOOBS TO YOURSELF ASSHEWLS. I'm so fucking insecure about how I look because I hate that I'm so big sized.... & there he is liking girls' photos who are so much slimmer and prettier than me.... I cannot. and I don't even wanna say anything cuz it'd be too creepy like why the hell am I stalking the kind of photos he likes on fb omg.

I hate that I'm so insecure about myself. They say if I can't love myself I can't love someone else.... I don't think that's true.... I can't love myself at all but I love him so much.... I can't explain what kind of a feeling this is but yeah it's just like this. I just wished there was something about me that I could love. Maybe flawless skin... Maybe slimmer hips... Maybe some amazing talent... Sometimes he doesn't get it. I'm just insecure about myself.

I felt so bad for not saying sorry on the spot... Even when he was angry he still ordered food for me, ordered drinks for me... Gave me fish and gave me prawn from his hokkien mee.... I'm like omg seriously why you treat me so nice even when you're angry. & I just like idiot like that don't even know what to say. I started thinking about all the things that I haven't been doing that he has to feel jealous over a snapchat. Seriously maybe I seriously suck as a girlfriend. I really don't know how to be one. I feel too much but I'm so unwilling to show the amount that I'm feeling. I feel so pressurised every time he tells me to be open about how I'm feeling. My fear of telling someone how I feel is seriously.... too strong. It's just so hard to tear this wall down.

But things kinda got better at the end... Decided I shouldn't be like that anymore because time was kinda running out. It was getting kinda late already. So we had to part ways... And just one hour after we left each other, I just started feeling like shit already. What the hell shan. -_- The thought of the long week ahead.... The thought of not being able to see him.. Omg shan need maintain.

How did I become so clingy... It's like no matter how much time we spend together it's just never enough... Never. I refuse to ask for anything. I refuse to ask for more.... If it comes to me it comes. I know it sucks because it feels like I'm not fighting for what I want. I know sometimes I don't show as much as I should. Many times I miss you like crazy but I don't want to say... I love you so much I wanna hug you so tight but I just don't want to seem so desperate or clingy. I really honestly don't know what's the right word to use.

Cheers to the long week ahead.... Please let me graduate soon... Please let me get this shit over and done with. Now my only goal is to get the bloody cert, slim the bloody hell down, and idk may god make me look a lil hotter or sexier or more attractive...