Hey guys. I'm back here. I just really needed to write something. As you can tell, the depressed me is back in town.

Honestly I've been finding all ways to look forward to the next weekend but it's just so hard. I skipped school today. Honestly I don't even know why. I'm not sick. But my stomach has been fucking ridiculous since yesterday. The problem with me is that i either shit too much or I don't shit at all. AND IT SUCKS. I've been having diarrhoea like crazy since last night. Doesn't help at all that I'm having my fucking period. MY MENSES CRAMPS ARE KILLING ME. I hate this. Really ever since August my hormones all upside down. My face break out like EXTREMELY crazy before my period. I PMS 1 week before my menses. Like horrible pms and i feel so sorry and bad for my parents and my boyfriend. I AM SORRY. People be like, "she's bullshitting I'm a girl too and I'm having my menses too and I'm alright." no bitch no. I've been lying on my bed since yesterday. My stomach hurts so bad. I can't.....

AND my eyes are so bloody sore. Yesterday it decided to give me pink eye. THANKS. Managed to calmed it down with normal eyedrops. Woke up this morning and it was sore again. So yeah fuck it I decided to not go school.

I really changed a lot. Since 2012 till now.... My attitude, my passion in dance.. Everytime I think back about the 3 years in dance.... I don't know what it has done to me. It has made me stronger and also made me horrible. Maybe I really made a wrong choice. Why did I take 3 years to wake up? I should've quitted... I should've taken another diploma somewhere else. I don't know fuck this shit why did I have to wait till I'm about to graduate to realise this. I'm saying this because I'm really afraid I can't hold on till I graduate. The first fucking month is not even over yet. I still have 4 more months to go. It's not even the performances and all that's making me want to cry. It's the amount of presentation and team work there will be this term that will kill me. I FUCKING HATE TEAM WORK PRESENTATION OR ANYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH PEOPLE. Because I hate people. Give me essays. I rather drown in them.

Gawd this school has gave me nothing but bad vibes. I really don't belong. I've only realised this in my 3rd year. How awesome. My dad asked me "So after so long, how do you feel about this? Regret or achievement?" Hah seriously both. Who knew I'd survive till the 3rd year? I probably really don't deserve this spot though. I know it myself. I still remember how Jingwen told me she expected me to quit after year 1. I knew everyone knew I couldn't survive. I knew there were seniors and teachers and even classmates saying that I wouldn't make it. So I made sure I make it. You know this is the thing. The more people talk about me the more I wanna prove them wrong. And that's the wrong attitude. WHY SHOULD I PROVE ANYONE WRONG? I should be doing things for MYSELF. I should be achieving things for myself and not to prove people wrong. My entire life I've been listening to other people. People say I cannot do something, I make sure I do it and show them I can.

I was so demoralised when Shouyi put me at the back of his piece and made me the last in the canon at one part. He claimed he was "saving me" but really all I can read from his mouth is "you're so lousy. just stand at the back and dance lesser so no one can see you" So I worked really hard. I gave myself just one fucking week to prove the bloody asshole wrong. I made sure I remember every freaking thing and make sure even when people forget I still remember my stuff. WHO SAY I CANNOT DO IT. Damn I can

I just really have NEGATIVE ZERO motivation for anything anymore. What the hell is there to look forward to. What the hell where the hell am I going with my life? Passion isn't even a reason anymore. I've lost the one and only thing that kept me going. This is one hella depressing post but really I needed to write this out.

Early in the morning I was texting baby. He is currently in this tough 3 month course. This week initially he is supposed to go to Tekong for 5 days and I'm not able to contact him at all till he returns to SG. So I tried to text him as much as I can this morning. I told him I am not going to school and I told him my stomach was not feeling well. I don't know what happened all of a sudden he kept telling me he want to drop out of the course. He say as long as I don't want him to go he will go and find an excuse to drop out. Because I am more important and he wants to see me and that he wants to take care of me. I felt so fucking bad. Of course he would have more time but it also means I'm stopping him from excelling. Is that what I want? The shit he has gone through the past 3 weeks. I cannot believe he just gave it up. This is the stupidest reason ever but he just said I'm just worth it. I AM NOT WORTH IT. I don't know I have so many mixed feelings. I'm like how is it even possible that this world has a guy that always puts me first... I'm so touched and I really just want to see him right now to hug him. & on the other side I'm just a really bad girlfriend. Why I do this T_T

He and I are planning to go on a holiday at BKK after I graduate. I am sooooo excited no words can explain this excitement. But it's still so far away omg. June leh..... Now only what!!!! January sia. I really can go crazy. I really can't wait

Now..... I just really want to see that man.