Selfish? Me? Maybe....

Hey there I'm back. My eyes hurt. Decided not to go school today. It was such an impromptu decision like I totally didn't plan it at all.

So early in the morning I woke up and my eye hurt, (also partially because I woke up later than usual). So i decided to FaceTime into class. Like thank god the first class was theory. So I told Miss mel I might rush for contemp (which is the next class after theory) but I might be late. But then she ended theory class late. I obviously couldn't reach in time. & my eye was still red after class. So miss Mel told me to get an MC if I was gonna miss contemp. So yeah that happened. I ended up going to a polyclinic with my mom to get an MC.

But before that my mom was just psychoing me to not go school because she kept telling me "if you can't go for contemp then why you can go for rehearsal in the afternoon. Then I'm like then what you want me to dooooo and she told me to just stay home. Oh well okay fine then. Spent more than 2 hours in the polyclinic.... Finally got an mc and went back home. Apparently baby also managed to get an mc for just today. In my head obviously I was a littleeeeee bit happy la, hoping that maybeeee there's a tiny hope that I can see him today. But.... from the way things were going and texting, I kinda knew we weren't gonna meet already.

Mummy told me bro wanted to get new shoes and asked me where he should go. I told her left foot. So we ended up going cathay to get shoes. Oh well yeah I bought a new pair of shoes for myself too  ho ho ho. On the way home I was still texting baby... He was saying how he was tired so I just jokingly said he could come my house and sleep awhile (with the real intention of asking in my head). Don't know whether he was playing along with me or what but he asked if he could really come over. So I got a little excited and asked my mom. "Can come uh but y'all stay downstairs." What. The. Fuck. Then she told me it's what my dad told her and like my dad will get all angry and shit. I'm like fuck he's not even home. So she said "Your dad might just come back anytime." Yeah right it's now 7pm and he's not even home.

Of course I got mad. Stay downstairs? Stay downstairs do what? Face wall? Don't even have a fucking tv on the first floor. Can he not be so unreasonable? I just got mad (at my dad who wasn't around) and I just said whatever I felt. My mom told me she doesn't understand the shit she goes through to do things for me and my bro. I'm like NO I KNOW i'm just angry that my DAD is so fucking unreasonable and NOT understanding. It's not like we're gonna do something morally wrong if he goes up to the second floor. It's not like I'm gonna lock the damn door if he enters my room. After I said all those my mom just burned me. Wow. "After all you still did something wrong." Fuck. Please let me fucking rewind time and fucking remove all that shit that happened. I hate it so much. I hate him so much. I hate i hate i hate why the fuck was I so mother efffffffing stupid. It's just a mistake CANT PEOPLE JUST FORGIVE AND FORGET. It's a mistake that I DID TO MYSELF. It doesn't even fucking concern my parents. Why are they using that against me. Ok yeah of course I'm at fault too. I regret every single day of my life. It haunts me like crazy can you guys stop already.

I was so mad I just burst into tears. Why because of my fucking mistake I have to let my boyfriend suffer my father's nonsense. All I want is to see him. My father blame me for going out too much. Blame me for spending too much. WELL YEAH THATS CUZ YOU DONT LET HIM COME TO MY HOUSE. I'm seriously a simple girl. I just want to be home, with him and maybe some food, and my computer. Life is complete. I don't need to go out and eat. I don't need to eat expensive food. I don't need to always DO something for the day to be fruitful. I don't want to keep thinking of places to go. I just need my room that's all. SO HARD MEH, FATHER? SO HARD?

So yeah fuck this shit that really seriously spoilt my mood. Even up till now I'm just like meh. I just wasted one day of MC doing nothing. Didn't even managed to see him. But then again.... He spent the day with his mom. I guess either way whether he was allowed or not, I wouldn't have seen him... Guess I'll just have to wait till the weekends then... Even till then I don't want to spend money.... Life is so tough. Let me just sleep my life away seriously. Can't stand it no more.