Anxiety issues

"At random moments, I will get this building worry and fear that something isn't right. Everything could be just perfectly fine, but my mind will trick itself into believing that something is wrong. It will convince itself that my life is falling apart. I will worry about one thing one minute and talk 90 to nothing then start to worry about another thing. My mind constantly switches back and forth and will convince itself that things are worse than what they really are. All the while I'm trying so hard to calm myself down, but it is impossible. It will send me into a depression. A depression that causes me to hate myself for being so crazy and irrational at times. This depression is the worst part. It causes me to want to space myself from the world and everyone around me. It causes me to feel alone with my illness, and it will cause me to be too terrified to talk those that are closest to me about what it is that I need from them. I feel needy, and I'm repulsed. But I can't help it."

 I was literally panicking inside so much because of so much anxiety for the first day of school. I know deep down it's all gonna be okay because it's just lectures. How bad would it go? But my mind just wouldn't stop giving me anxiety attacks. This is the exact article I need my boyfriend to understand. Literally word for word I relate to it. It is everything I need him to understand about me. 

"You see, there's something those of you who don't suffer from anxiety need to understand: WE CAN'T CONTROL IT. No, it doesn't make us crazy. We don't need you to tell us that we are acting crazy. We are already well aware of this, and telling us that will only make our condition worse. It will come at the most inconvenient times. When it happens, just please be patient and understanding with us. The attack will eventually pass, and when it does, we'll be back to normal. The worst thing you could do is bring up anything we were previously worrying about. Doing so will only trigger another attack. Understand that it's you and us vs. the illness. We hate it, you hate it, we're on the same team here. The best thing you can do during an attack is just listen, and know that there are times we need you to hold us, and times we need you to leave us alone. Know that sometimes you'll be the trigger for the attack. Don't take it personal. And please, for the sake of humanity, don't tell us that we're overreacting, that we need to calm down, or that worrying isn't going to make anything any better. If we could stop worrying, don't you think we would have already?"

I've been constantly trying to explain this torturing feeling I have inside me. As closed up as I am as a person, towards dylan I just feel like I need to share my entire soul with him. I'm really scared to give him the feeling like I'm asking for a lot. Because honestly I know myself I need a lot of attention (written about this on another post before), so much more compared to any other human being. Sometimes it even gets so overwhelming even I can't handle myself. 

"Dating someone with an anxiety disorder isn't easy, at all. It requires giving that person a lot of attention that you normally wouldn't have to do. That doesn't mean the sufferer constantly needs you to be stuck up his or her butt 24-7, but it does mean that when he or she is under attack you need to be there"

Due to my boyfriend's job scope, I can't have him whenever I want. But it does give me the feeling like I really need him when I'm having such anxiety attacks. Hence the feeling of sadness when he gets hella busy. But I don't blame him either. And neither do I want him to feel like I'm asking a lot and I need him to be there and then. It's not. It's really not. It's like this is my own mental state that I have to deal with myself. I cannot bring my own craziness to someone who have so much to deal with. But I hope he understands at the same time that when I feel sad it's not entirely because of him. If I'm sad I'm sad for the situation that I'm in, not sad because dylan is not beside me. There's a difference.

I'll slowly deal with this. Gotta deal with this. I can deal with this :)