"Don’t date the guy who makes your life any harder than it already is. Date the guy who understands that you’re a gentle soul, the guy who is capable of easing your anxiety."

Sometimes I really doubt my life choices. Why I choose to live in such a negative life every single day. I do feel so thankful for people who actually attempt to make my day a little brighter, to joke around to make time spent a little merrier. I've thoroughly enjoyed my JB trip today with Amanda and Eugene. 

Today's day trip just proved yet again that it's the company that matters and not where I go to. Everyone who knows me knows how crazy I hate the sun. But I crazily braved through the heat with those two who were very happy people and it impacted my day in such a cheerful manner. I felt like I haven't felt that in so long. Just being genuinely happy and positive to everything because life is just short. Like it doesn't matter how hot the sun is, as long as I'm with them nothing else matters. Like we were totally not whining and sulking over how hot it was, and just laughing it away with how crazy we were to just walk under hot sun just because we can. Thank you so much for making my 4th of July so memorable! My actually first trip OUT of Singapore with friends. HAHAHA Though its just seriously crossing the borders but it was truly a fun day exploring and walking around. Good vibes!!!!! 

Wishing for so much more of these days. So stress-free and just simply enjoying each other's company. 

I honestly feel like I need to stop thinking for him. It's suffocating me and he feels nothing about it. I am me and I should think for myself. I've been too trapped in this whole situation because of many other situations that has happened between us that I feel like I have to take precaution of everything. And it really sucks. Everything that I attempt to solve it just backfires on me. And it's really scarring me as a human bit by bit every single day. One day I hope he'll learn to put himself in other people's shoes instead of saving himself first. One day when he learns that there are many other people in the world that he have to fit himself into, he'll know how to think about other's peoples feelings instead of always thinking about himself only. The whole world sees his problem but he doesn't. And no one can help him except himself. I've done all that I can. It's time to stop. Trying to educate or nurture someone who has of no interest to help himself will just only pull myself down. 

I'll for once give myself credit. Thank you Shan for being so strong for so long. Thank you to myself for believing for so long and thinking that time doesn't matter, people can soon change. Thank you for believing that maybe someday he would realise how important I am and one day he will see all my efforts and appreciate the way it should be appreciated. That one day he will realise all the emotions and feelings I've invested in him. That one miracle moment when he would just come into his senses and realise how important this relationship in the long run and actually choose to do something to change himself not because of the relationship but because of the fact that he loves me and wants a better us. After all this time through countless of fucked up incidents, that you can still care and love this person the same, have hopes and faith and expects regardless. Knowing that maybe there would be a 90% chance that he's just saying things for the sake of saying, I choose to believe all the time. 

I've come to a realisation that I've really tried enough in every way possible. And it's time for me to stop. I have no way out of the arguments that we have anymore. To me, I see all the arguments we have as a failure but I improve from there. I stop myself from making the same mistakes and also just try a different method each time we quarrel again. However it doesn't work. Everything doesn't work. I always saw myself as the problem. Improving myself all the time to hopefully get a better outcome. But I've come to a realisation that maybe I am not the one that hasn't been trying hard enough. I've come to a realisation that his mind has totally different mindsets in comparison to a lot of typical human behaviours. If he doesn't change himself nothing is ever gonna work. If he sees me trying to talk a situation out as "trying to pick a fight with him", it's never gonna work. If he sees me as "forever giving him problems and can never be peaceful", it's never gonna work. If he just wants to escape a problem or just simply want to get it SOLVED immediately not thinking about how I feel, it's never gonna work. If he doesn't understand that my feelings matter in a relationship, it's never gonna have a better outcome regardless of whatever method I choose to use when it comes to fights. 

I'm staying because I believe he'll change. But it takes two hands to clap. He can't be simply just saying "Yes I'm trying" but the entire world says otherwise. I can't be thinking so much and investing so much time thinking of ways to fix it if the other party is constantly just gonna protect his feelings first and taking the easy way out. And I honestly don't know how much more damaged can I be till I finally say its time for me to take a leave.