Why am I always trying to figure out things? Trying to figure out how people are the way they are? Always trying to think if girls are worse off than guys or if we're just really all humans and all of us are so dysfunctional in a way we can't understand each other? 

I think there are times I simply cannot come to terms with the way I am as a person. And if that one simple step I can't even get through, how am I supposed to persuade others that I am a nice person to be with? 

I have a few traits I hate about myself. 

1. Over-controlling

2. Insecure

3. Caring beyond my limits 

These 3 are the 3 I've been working on this entire mother fucking year and I still feel I'm nowhere near overcoming it. 

I feel very alone for the past 2 months and still counting. So lifeless. So sick of life. I don't know what's pulling me through exactly. Hopes never seem to fail to come crashing down and disappointments never fails to come knocking at my door. I don't know what I'm living for anymore.

I'm currently fighting against the trigger that has always set me off to anxiety and panic mood. I don't know that me fighting it off equals to rage anger and more anger. I don't know what is better. To be depressed AF or to push those depressing thoughts to rage. NEITHER SEEMS GOOD TO ME. 

I don't understand why I cannot just be calm and collected. Be zen and just think of all the mystical creatures and unicorns in the world. WELL MAYBE BECAUSE THEY DONT EXIST. I'm so fixated on reality that it's just so damn hard to get out of it. I'm so realistic to the point where I'm really like giving up on everyone and on life. Like I can't even bring myself to trust anyone and rely on anyone anymore because NO ONE CAN BE TRUSTED, NO ONE CAN BE RELIED ON. 

Since young I always never understood the phrase, "I'm here for you" when I was young. Just like going through haunted houses. WHAT YOU'RE THERE FOR ME. The ghost will still scare me I will still be scared. Not like you being there is gonna miraculously make me un-scared. 

Learn to let go Shanette. Whats the point. U only have one life. Whats the point of holding on to so many things that sometimes can't be controlled.. Hai.. My life sucks and I really don't see the point of living it on.