Some days I wonder why I hate myself so much. Like if I loved myself more I could care for myself more and I’d give zero shits about whether I’m giving others enough. I’d be more independent and I will not depend on others for happiness. I would not need others to validate me. I would not need to feel sad about stupid things like people not putting me as their first priority. I would work hard for myself and I would make myself a better person for my own future.

As I’m typing all the woulds that I would’ve done..... I’ve done none. 2017 was supposed to be a year of healing, a year of finding back myself. Halfway through I decided to give love another chance. But somehow this love has blocked my way of healing myself. I wouldn’t say it’s a toxic relationship anymore because now the problem lies with myself. Previously it was filled with too much unhealthy habits between two parties. But now those unhealthy habits have left a scar on me that even when things are healthy now, I tend to make it unhealthy. Somedays I wish he would just understand that I really cannot control how I feel about certain things. But there are days where I know I’m too much and no one should be putting up with my shit. Right now at this moment is where I’m feeling like I should disconnect myself from people for awhile because even i can’t handle my ownself. I really can’t....

I feel like shit everyday. I feel like I’m running away from all my problems and his assurance his cuddles his everything just gives me a safe haven to feel at ease. It doesn’t work all the time because I’ve been on a really high sensitive mood lately and if he doesn’t catch up with it he might trigger me the wrong way unintentionally. I don’t know I just hate myself and I wish I didn’t. I wished I’m very self motivated and I wish I produce positive vibes to make people want to talk to me, want to love me instead of finding me a nuisance, a burden..

Feel like crying all day everyday but anyone knows? No lol cuz I’m done being so weak openly