Reflection

I was eavesdropping my parents convo with my brother earlier in the evening and I felt like I could empathise with them. The feeling where you had hopes for a certain individual and you've been through the journey with them. You know they have so much potential but they choose to waste it away. You just stay by their side always hoping that your 'nags' and 'pep talks' will eventually wake them up and see some light but no they just continue doing whatever they are doing and just simply have no drive in them.

Context: My brother used to be an overachiever since late primary school till about 17 years old. Beside him, I'd always look like the rebellious useless sister that had nothing. He was always good at studying, scoring well, having dreams while I, on the other hand, was just failing everything and even flunked on my passion which I took a diploma for. I was basically my parents' failure in a lot of ways compared to my brother.

In the recent years, I've pretty much been the same academically but mentally I would like to say that I've grown up alot. I know the meaning of money, I know the importance of bonding. Though anger wise it has kinda been the same since young, I realised I've simmered down ever since I've been in a relationship in 2014. The only reason why my mother was approving of that relationship in the beginning was because she could see I was slowly lowering my temper and thinking before I react. I broke up in Jan 2017 and the guy who used to be the reason I lowered my temper for can no longer cool me down. We got back together but even so, I couldn't find any reason to cool myself down anymore. This part of the story would be thoroughly explain later. So my brother on the other hand, has been neglecting everything that he used to be passionate about. When i hear my father talk to him, all I could hear was heartache and pain.

Tbh, I feel the same way. I used to be proud telling my friends that my brother was such a high achiever. I saw him going places but recently, I really don't know what he's doing with his life. It's like we know he had so much potential in being something way much more but now he just wishes to settle. Funny how they say army makes a boy to a man but what I see is a completely different result. Because of army, he has become this guy that wastes his life away and just really give no shit to the loved ones around him. He'd put more effort into a stranger that I see many red flags than to spend that effort on people who genuinely cares for him. He didn't used to be this egoistic person but because of the nature of his sergeant rank in army, it has shaped him into this person that I don't even recognise anymore. Pretty saddening to watch someone who was once so bright and colourful become this black dull flower.

Why I said i could empathise with my parents is because of this guy thats been in my life since 2014. He used to be the guy that I'd do anything for. He's not perfect but something about him made me feel like it was worth sacrificing. I thought we were on the same boat, fighting for the same goals during our relationship. I was very serious about it and I knew I wanted to settle down and lead a cozy life. I was even searching up for BTOs and shit because I was just that serious and that was my end goal, to be married to him and to settle down with him. When there were quarrels, I'd always talk so much to clear the air. I'd always try my damn best to make sure my point is drawn across. But things on his side always ended up in a nasty fighting manner. I hated it so much even up till now. It's definitely way lesser than the past but certain things never change. But at that point I told myself no matter what I want him in my life. Maybe things will get better in time but just keep the faith. I kept telling myself that we were brought up differently. We had different ideas of what quarrelling was. So i remembered telling him that I understood our differences due to our upbringing and I'd be willing to work through those differences. I'm not saying my upbringing is definitely correct or his upbringing is definitely wrong. But obvious things like shouting in the household, being violent to one another even if its just showing it is just outright wrong and abusive, mentally if not physically. I am definitely sure I do not want my child to be having this kind of environment to grow up in. That's why I've been giving pep talks to let him understand what's the best for our future. Mindset, money, smoking. Whatever it was a bad habit or just unhealthy for the both of us, I thought that we both should make an effort to change it. I kept thinking that he was being serious about us and about our future and slowly but surely, he will change for the better for the sake of both of us. But in 2016 all went downhill. 2016 was the worst year for me.

I could see the efforts put into the relationship was so imbalance. It was as if I was trying so fucking hard to not make a sinking boat sink. I tolerated for one year exactly but I told myself 'that was it' for me. Why was I fighting so hard for someone who didn't see a future with me? Why was I fighting so hard for someone who didn't see a future in himself? I was literally drowning by all these emotions that he threw to me. I had no one to share this burden with and I still had to pull him up from his blackhole. It was so fucking torturous and I just became so fucking depressed and had manic panic attacks every now and then. It took me so long to come to a conclusion that I had to leave this relationship for me to get better mentally. Best part was when I finally broke it off, in his mind I became the bad person I became the person with no heart and I became the person who didn't give a shit. It made me give up even more because I couldnt believe after so long, I was that kind of person in his mind. He didn't give a single shit to look back and see how much effort I tried how many chances I gave regardless of how bad he fucked it up. He said he did but before we got back, he definitely told me the truth about how he actually felt. All I asked for in the relationship was honesty and love. He wasnt giving me his honesty at all and he definitely wasnt giving me much love because he was too busy worrying about other things in life and spending his time with his friends. I was just someone he came back to during the weekends to rot at home and have sex with. That was how he made me feel back then. Yes I did say that I wouldnt mind spending time at home with him to save money. But was he saving money? No. He chose to spend it with his friends instead of me. All the time. All the money went to his guys night out. Every single time and what do I get back from him? Nothing. Really nothing. I dont even expect him to buy me anything all I needed was him to show me that I meant something and that I was deserving.

Some days I look back and I still remember some of the nasty things he said to me before even getting back together. Now that I'm penning this down, do you think I'm wrong to have broken it off for the sake of my sanity? Was it wrong to start thinking for myself when I've spent 2 years putting someone else first but he did not? He blamed me for leaving when he wasnt deserving of me. He blamed me that I was cruel because I didnt love him enough to stay. Really boy really? I bet my life I was the only girl that was so willing to do anything for you. Even when you bluffed me that you made those 123 flowers for our first anniversary, I took the time and effort to fold every freaking 365 roses to stuff it into that heartshaped container. Even when I did not receive a single hand written card from you during any occasion, I still tell myself to make it a point to put in an effort to let you feel special. All the time I notice what items you need and I gift it to you. You might have appreciated the gift but if I was on the receiving end, I would've been very thankful that my partner was noticing such small details.

Every single day was torture because our issues werent solved. It was just accumulated. He felt like it was solved but no every week the same things happened. Even up till now most days from the past are pretty vivid in my mind. I try my best to block it out. I try my best to just remind myself that my current life is way better but that was how much it has scarred me. I still get scared history repeats itself. Because I've been there before I just can't risk myself to be in that position again. It took me almost half a year to try and open myself back up to him. But now, everytime I feel myself overcaring, over concerned about certain things, it seem to STILL always backfire on me. Keyword, still. These are my trigger points from the past and when it happens now, I just can't help but past memories just flashback itself.

I wont deny our current relationship has more pluses than minuses but those minuses are still huge issues that I have no way around. Those minuses are red flags and those are the things that make me feel insecure about my future. Yes I wouldn't mind working hard. I know he wouldn't make me suffer too much if he were to ever be my husband. But there are some things I really just cannot accept and if those things cannot be changed then to me, those are just hindering my green light to him being my husband. Of course I wish so bad that these bad habits would change. Thats why I'm being so fucking naggy all the damn time. But when nagginess becomes too much and things are still stagnant, I start to withdraw and ask myself if it's worth it. Why am I trying so hard if the other person don't feel like it's a problem?

Right now I feel like we're not super unstable emotionally. We're not super stable, but we're not super unstable. We won't make each other go super insane anymore and that's definitely a good thing because that would be an extremely huge red flag if that were to continue. All I'm thinking about is how the present will affect the future. If he really sees me as his future wife, he'd try his best to fight for what's best for both of us in the present to have a good future, to bring up kids with good morals. To make sure they never have to endure a bad childhood because we didn't solve our issues now. To make sure his kids never have to smoke in 2nd hand smoke. It all comes down to how much love he has got to give.. What is more important.. There are times when I fear for the future. I really do. I have no one to confide in. There are times I just wish he'd just suddenly wake up and I wish he'd be the one to lecture me instead of always me lecturing him. Sometimes he likes to always say "You think you're always right, always having something to shoot back" Trust me, if you have the capability to speak more sense than me, then you wouldn't say that I'm shooting back because you'd reply me with an even more sensible answer to let me view from another perspective.

Yes I've been with him since 2014 and it has been tough but things can only get better from how bad we've left it off in 2016. I appreciate that things have been more stable nowadays and I appreciate that he hasnt give me much headaches in comparison to the horrible past. It's not that its not enough, it's just that it can be way better and I'm not the kind to settle for less. When you know someone has so much potential, you just want to see him in his full potential state, regardless of how long it takes.

Don’t know what feeling is this but late nights like this makes me wonder... Do you actually miss me when I don’t reply you after you’re done being busy with your things? I know I do. When I go out and club or have drinks with my friends and I come back late, and he’s already asleep, I wished so badly that he’s awake replying me. I wonder if you ever feel that or do you just like.... go to sleep in peace lol. Funny shit I think of every now and then. Sigh. Then there are days I wish I can just really say how I feel and all those sweet nothings that I really mean.. But nowadays it’ll just seem weird for me to do it because of the cold exterior I’ve made myself become. Hais. Life is tough. I actually miss being vulnerable. I miss showing how clingy i actually am. I can’t now and all those vulnerability is exchanged with anger. Kinda hate myself for it but I don’t really know how I should go about switching it back either. Hais. Sad night. Goodnight

ARGH DONT KNOW WHERE TO RANT

I swear I get SO PISSED OFF talking to humans sometimes I just wish I can tape their mouth and let them shut up. I know it's damn dark of me but seriously? I hate it when people argue about my body or what kind of clothes would suit my body and shit like that. I KNOW MYSELF WELL ENOUGH. Since young I don't really care who the fuck tells me I'm not fat I'm acceptable I'm whatever cock you wanna say. It's like STOP BEING SO DELUSIONAL CAN OR NOT I don't even feel like relieved hearing your fake words I feel so irritated that you have to lie to my face just to not hurt me. I see my fucking body everyday. Do I have to take pictures of those fats to prove to y'all that what all of you are talking cock?

If I'm anorexic or slim or skinny then FINE you can tell me I'm being ridiculous BUT NO. I'M BORDERLINE OVERWEIGHT, I'M NOT EXERCISING MUCH AND I'M JUST A PIECE OF FAT BLOB. If you guys can't tell OBVIOUSLY I'M TRYING VERY FUCKING HARD TO WEAR CLOTHES THAT DOESNT EMPHASIZE THOSE FATS? Who the fuck wants to wear something that emphasises on their flaws? Use your brain abit can anot.

People who're born slim or skinny and just have no way to put on weight dont fucking understand people who grow up fat and no matter how little we eat we still dont lose weight. I'm sick of this man legit. I'm sick of people in general. On some days I really wanna isolate myself entirely. Some days I really wish I can do that. I just fucking need my solitary. I like being alone I like stoning I like watching shows alone. Yes there are times I start finding topics to discuss and then I end up being so irritated LIKE WHY THE FUCK DID I EVEN START IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I am so irritated.

Sometimes I think in Secondary school, a workshop on handling your own financial matters should be set compulsory. I mean it's so important? It's your own money how can you not even bother and handle it well? Especially men. I don't get it. All of them hate the idea that women are slowing taking over the world yet they're not stepping up their game. They hate that women talk too much. They hate that women think too much. They hate that women count too much. They just hate this and hate that but there's always a cause and effect. What's the cause that has that effect on women? Ever gave a thought about that? It's so easy to complain and ask people to shut up but do you ever think why people even bother saying so much? How can anyone be safe with someone who can't even handle a few hundreds? How can you dream to be a successful man when you can't understand the importance of control? A successful man deals with huge numbers and a few hundreds is peanuts. 

Every month I deal with the same problem and yet I am still here trying my best to find the tiniest hope that maybe one fucking month I will actually be proven wrong. Every month I tell myself it's a new chance given and something miraculous might happen. And every month I feel the same disappointment and every month I get asked the same questions "What are you angry about" "Why are you angry". Really? Are you really asking me those questions? By now you should've been well aware enough about all these issues and make it stop happening. But no we just continuously let history repeat and repeat. More than half a year ago I was living the no-money life. I spent all my money on god knows what maybe cigs maybe drinks maybe grab/uber and I had no fucking money by the third week. I hated that feeling and I told myself that needed to fucking stop happening and I made it stop. 

What's so hard for you to just try your best to keep ur money in ur pocket for 4 weeks. What's so hard to tell yourself just because you have a few hundreds in hand DOESNT MEAN you have enough money to spend without thinking? If you were maybe 5-10 years younger I guess it's still forgivable that you have no control over such things you are a spendthrift etc etc. But no........ Time just keeps passing by. Every month passes is you getting a month older. It's so easy to say others like "Oh you mean he only has 10k savings? Thats not much actually" But how about yourself? You're finding a million excuses to cover up the fact that you have nothing. Others have other obstacles too. Do they tell people that as an excuse? Nope. They fight it and they jump over it. 

In your own family there is a very good example of someone you do not want to become. But if you just simply carry on thinking hundreds every month is a lot of money and not thinking before you spend, your time is running out and yes by 40 you're still gonna be the same. You may think 13 years is a long time but nope. 4 years is also a very long time and 4 years a lot could've been done but nope. We are still where we are. You can always diss someone and say how useless someone is. But reflect on yourself and ask yourself are you any better? If you're not then make it a point to be better. 

When I start working and when I start saving up my own money, and you're still not, how does that reflect on yourself? What excuses are you gonna give again? 6 years in the army and not a single cent saved. Look back and start counting how much you've spent. It's quite scary to be honest. It's easy to say you're useless. Then what about being useless? You wanna continue living that kind of life? You're happy with this kind of life? If the answer's no then why are the daily habits simply not changing? Everything starts from a day to day basis and nothing just happens overnight. If u think you can start chionging saving by the time you're 30 or 35 even then maybe it's abit too late. That's not how a mindset of someone who has the thought of settling down early should be.