Project week's over.... School all over again on Monday... But countdown 7 weeks. Soon very fast very fast
Was stressing the whole week over this stupid NAC scholarship interview shit... Felt so bad kept on passing my stressful vibes to Dylan.
Woke up at 11 to meet Dylan before the interview. Initial plan was to go to school early, print my shit and then go watch the Purge. But this boy... late like almost half an hour so plans got ruined. I reached school, done my shit and it was already 12.30 12.40. We were planning to watch a 1.20pm movie at cine. But we haven't even eaten our lunch... So we decided to give the movie a miss. Went to eat instead. Haiyo I feel so bad everytime go out he pay everything. Seriously everything.. After we ate we didn't know where to go... So we just loitered around nearby places. Becuz we passed by this bar looking place at little india before going to my sch, Dylan wanted to go there. So we did.... & we just sat there till my interview time. Becuz I had soooo much time to think about the interview I almost thought of skipping it. Like I had totally no confidence at all and I really don't see myself talking through a bloody course I don't even know about. Sucks to be me. Like I said even though I was trying very hard to keep my cool about it, couldn't hide the fact that I was so stressed. I'm so thankful for Dylan.... He did help calm me down. Well yeah drank 2 glasses of margaritas before interview. #YOLO
Woah i felt so relieved after the interview. RELIEVED AS SHITTTTT. Spent the next few hours with Dylan still. Technically he accompanied the wholeeee day. Heart to heart talks and all. Stupid he made me cry. Omg which idiot.... Ok so this boy is going Germany for 3 freaking weeks for army training next week. So today is the last time i see him until he comes back on the 23rd Oct. So actually in my heart I'm already very sad la. Then he kepttttt on asking me "Sigh.... will you cry...?" OMG THAT IS THE ONE QUESTION ONE SHOULD NEVER ASK ME OK. Suddenly all sorts of emotions flooded into my mind. Him treating me like a princess.. Him leaving... Him giving me so much of his care and concern... Maybe his feelings will fade... All this shit. Then i cried. I don't expect him to understand anything. I mean I cried because I see myself falling.... & THAT FUCKING SUCKS. THAT MEANS I'M STARTING TO FEEL ALL OVER AGAIN. I'm scared. I don't want. What if it all ends?... It took me a long time to open up. & then he started reassuring me and all that... Sigh Dylan what should I do about you..
Sometimes I don't believe I'm 19 years old. He was telling me that if he's in a relationship now he really just wants to settle down because he's already 23. & Then he look at me and he said.. "but you're only 19... you're still young you haven't seen the world enough yet. When I was 19 I was still playing around." & all that went through my mind was.... If I found someone I love and if he feels right, I'd settle. I told that to my friends before. I'm really so sick of playing around. I don't feel the joy anymore. All I feel is even more loneliness after that. The aftermath kills.
I don't know. I'm gonna miss you koala bear. See you in 3 weeks..
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Confused as fuck
To be honest, I really know this will not last. But at the same time though this might sound fucking crazy, I sense that he's so genuine it actually makes me feel like a jerk. You will get sick of me. You will leave me. You will go and find someone else that has similar outlooks as me. When you know the true me, I don't think you'll like me as much. As much as I want to like you back, I can't. I can't risk this. No one has ever stared at me like he has seen a goddess. No one has ever kissed all my flaws and think it's perfect. No one has ever seen me completely raw and still find me beautiful. No one has ever told me that I look beautiful when I sleep. No one except you.
But the time frame is too short. Things that come too fast often disappears fast too. Frankly i do not believe in love at first sight. Yeah maybe you can like how I look physically but how would you know who I am when you first look at me? How would you know my story and how would you know whether or not you'll be able to accept who I am once you've known me? You say you'll accept my everything because you like me. You say you're different from everyone else because you like me.
"Sucks when you kinda like someone but you can't tell anyone about it cause your friends might judge. & you're alone thinking whether you should stop liking this person because you don't know if you guys have a chance. But you just can't help but to like that person a little more everyday and you know you're so dead."
Yup i'm dead. But i just refuse to admit it. I refuse to believe all of this is actually happening. Really can't be. I would like to believe that you're just another phase that I'm just gonna reminisce in a few months. Is it weird? I mean every guy that i've talked to done the same to me. Talk cock eat shit, leave. How would I know if you wouldn't do the same? No matter how I see this situation I really don't see how it's gonna work. I deserve so much more yet I let people always fucking climb above my head. Don't even fucking know why.
"Just please don't say you love me cuz I might not say it back. Doesn't mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like that.. Fools rush in. & i've been the fool before. This time I'm gonna slow it down cuz I think this might be more, the thing I'm looking for."
I get scared when people tell me they love me. That sentence can be overrated to the whole entire universe but to me it'll always hold strong meaning. As smart or as careful as I think I am, I'm still very stupid in so many ways. So..... seriously don't do this to me. Can't take it.
"Just please don't say you love me cuz I might not say it back. Doesn't mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like that.. Fools rush in. & i've been the fool before. This time I'm gonna slow it down cuz I think this might be more, the thing I'm looking for."
I get scared when people tell me they love me. That sentence can be overrated to the whole entire universe but to me it'll always hold strong meaning. As smart or as careful as I think I am, I'm still very stupid in so many ways. So..... seriously don't do this to me. Can't take it.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
OLLLLAAAAA
WHERE DO I START HELLO GUYS I AM BACK. Okay I have ALOT of things on my mind right now LIKE SCHOOL'S A FUCKING BIG FAT BURDEN BUT I'M ALREADY HALFWAY THROUGH THE SEMESTER I CAN DO THIS SHIT YAW
So recently XT just bombed us. Like beginning of the semester, he said we would have to do a choreography of our own and block our dancers and all that shits next semester. So 2 weeks ago he told us that THIS SEMESTER, we have to do that shit. So on one of the Fridays he was like "come up with 8 eights by Monday to any street style." When i hear that my heart almost drop to the floor and fly away. I'VE NEVER EVER MANAGED TO CHOREO TO MORE THAN 2 EIGHTS IN MY LIFE. Like never really. How was I supposed to choreograph 8 eights in freaking 2 days?! Almost killed myself.
Ok so in the back of my mind I kinda knew the feel to my choreo. I had everything planned out in my head. So I stuck to the idea on Friday night and Saturday. I tried choreographing on Saturday. I failed badly. All of a sudden I had no inspiration to that song. But I still wanted to keep to it. So I did. On Sunday i had no inspiration AT ALL. So i gave up. I gave myself the entire afternoon to look through videos of amazing choreographers and think of what my piece should look like. I still couldn't. So I told myself after dinner I DIE ALSO MUST COME UP WITH CHOREOGRAPHY.
That did happen. But.... I swear I couldn't feel the song that I chose. I initially chose Coke Bottle by Angez Mo. Epic fail. So I decided to go all Rihanna and play old school songs like Don't stop the music and Disturbia. I was feeling it yaw but..... I felt like it was so clubbish that I realised all I did was jump around HAHAHA WTF. Ok then!? I saw Britney Spears. TOTALLY MY JAM. So I played one of my faves "Up and Down" and in 2hours I got not only 8 eights, but 10 eights. Whut. WHUT???? I TOOK 2 DAYS EMOING OVER THE FACT THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ANY CHOREO AND THEN.... Suddenly I have like super inspiration. I don't know when I clicked the song I immediately went like "Ah yaaas that song da one"
Monday I did screw up my own choreography. So intense this XT i stress i see him LOL.. Ok after all our solo showcase this XT made us do another activity. He split the class into half, made one half learn my choreo and the other half learn Luv's choreo and we had to put formations into it IN 15MINUTES.. I gotta be honest. I truly felt happy when he called my name or like when he chose my choreography. LOL. OK I KNOW.... It might be because my choreo is easy to learn compared to the others in the short period of time but... STILL HE CHOSE MINE OK. After we showed, he told us that our formations could be less straightforward blabla... After the class he told us by Friday we have to show this choreography with the 2 dancers that we picked and put formations in them. STRESS AGAIN. LIKE HOW EVEN. I've never done shit like that like formations my formations all so simple.
On Tuesday I missed out on my daily Maz's class to block my choreo. I cut down to 8 eights because I had no time... I honestly felt toasted... Cuz my piece looked horrible.. :( & I didn't know how to fix it so I felt so sad. On Friday when I showed it. I honestly still felt like I was gonna be pinpointed like mad because the first to showcase was Luvenia. But woah XT made her change formations and all that on the spot make me so stressed like I totally saw myself in her state too. Guess what? IT DIDN'T HAPPEN TO ME? I can't decide if XT doesn't really care about me.... Or that my piece really didn't look that bad, it's just me and my low self esteem issues. After the class ended, he said "After watching all of the pieces, the pieces that I will always remember will be Cheryl's Shanette's and Andrea's." I WAS STUNNED. I mean c'mon. I honestly don't think anyone in the class expected to hear my name. They be like whut shanette whut are you for real. Chey think I don't know lol.
Now.... I have to work on my FINAL assessment? Whut. I have come up with 1 minute of freaking choreography. What he doing.... Training us to be choreographers issit. I suck at it so badly I can't even. My vocab so fixed I feel like shit everytime when I need to come up with choreography. Like sai ok SAI. But ya I kinda have some sort of inspiration right now. So random... I swear I have the most random moments okay.
Went out with koala today. Oh my god he turned out to be so different. Wells I actually expected most of him but.... still there were so many sides to him that made me not regret today. I'm sorry I've been so numb to feelings nowadays I don't even know when is right to feel. As of now he has definitely been so nice in so many ways but.... is this for real? It feels so surreal that I am not ready to feel anything. I am not ready to put myself into anything and then die and slap myself afterwards. No. I can't. I can't believe someone out there is actually willing to accept all my flaws. I can't believe it!!!!!! Argh. Feeling so bad right now but.... Oh wells time will reveal everything.
Dip show is in like less than 2 months and we've got NO PIECES COMPLETED. NONE. Wtf man. Really this Melissa asking for trouble. Why couldn't she put in more rehearsals for this year's dip show FIRST then concentrate on next year's dip show? I swear she's overloading us with so many shit I'm like so fucking confused with life right now. So zoned out most of the time because my brain can't seem to switch fast enough. Motor dying off seriously. Life? What is life. No life. Friends? What is friends? No friends. Don't even have time for myself still can friends ah. I have so many work due once again and thankfully next week is project week. I promise to spend my free time on my Jazz essay and my mock scholarship interview that's about to come up this coming Saturday... Sigh no freaking time!!!!
But ok it's all gonna be worth it. All gonna be over. I can do this shizzzz goodnight bitches
WHERE DO I START HELLO GUYS I AM BACK. Okay I have ALOT of things on my mind right now LIKE SCHOOL'S A FUCKING BIG FAT BURDEN BUT I'M ALREADY HALFWAY THROUGH THE SEMESTER I CAN DO THIS SHIT YAW
So recently XT just bombed us. Like beginning of the semester, he said we would have to do a choreography of our own and block our dancers and all that shits next semester. So 2 weeks ago he told us that THIS SEMESTER, we have to do that shit. So on one of the Fridays he was like "come up with 8 eights by Monday to any street style." When i hear that my heart almost drop to the floor and fly away. I'VE NEVER EVER MANAGED TO CHOREO TO MORE THAN 2 EIGHTS IN MY LIFE. Like never really. How was I supposed to choreograph 8 eights in freaking 2 days?! Almost killed myself.
Ok so in the back of my mind I kinda knew the feel to my choreo. I had everything planned out in my head. So I stuck to the idea on Friday night and Saturday. I tried choreographing on Saturday. I failed badly. All of a sudden I had no inspiration to that song. But I still wanted to keep to it. So I did. On Sunday i had no inspiration AT ALL. So i gave up. I gave myself the entire afternoon to look through videos of amazing choreographers and think of what my piece should look like. I still couldn't. So I told myself after dinner I DIE ALSO MUST COME UP WITH CHOREOGRAPHY.
That did happen. But.... I swear I couldn't feel the song that I chose. I initially chose Coke Bottle by Angez Mo. Epic fail. So I decided to go all Rihanna and play old school songs like Don't stop the music and Disturbia. I was feeling it yaw but..... I felt like it was so clubbish that I realised all I did was jump around HAHAHA WTF. Ok then!? I saw Britney Spears. TOTALLY MY JAM. So I played one of my faves "Up and Down" and in 2hours I got not only 8 eights, but 10 eights. Whut. WHUT???? I TOOK 2 DAYS EMOING OVER THE FACT THAT I MIGHT NOT HAVE ANY CHOREO AND THEN.... Suddenly I have like super inspiration. I don't know when I clicked the song I immediately went like "Ah yaaas that song da one"
Monday I did screw up my own choreography. So intense this XT i stress i see him LOL.. Ok after all our solo showcase this XT made us do another activity. He split the class into half, made one half learn my choreo and the other half learn Luv's choreo and we had to put formations into it IN 15MINUTES.. I gotta be honest. I truly felt happy when he called my name or like when he chose my choreography. LOL. OK I KNOW.... It might be because my choreo is easy to learn compared to the others in the short period of time but... STILL HE CHOSE MINE OK. After we showed, he told us that our formations could be less straightforward blabla... After the class he told us by Friday we have to show this choreography with the 2 dancers that we picked and put formations in them. STRESS AGAIN. LIKE HOW EVEN. I've never done shit like that like formations my formations all so simple.
On Tuesday I missed out on my daily Maz's class to block my choreo. I cut down to 8 eights because I had no time... I honestly felt toasted... Cuz my piece looked horrible.. :( & I didn't know how to fix it so I felt so sad. On Friday when I showed it. I honestly still felt like I was gonna be pinpointed like mad because the first to showcase was Luvenia. But woah XT made her change formations and all that on the spot make me so stressed like I totally saw myself in her state too. Guess what? IT DIDN'T HAPPEN TO ME? I can't decide if XT doesn't really care about me.... Or that my piece really didn't look that bad, it's just me and my low self esteem issues. After the class ended, he said "After watching all of the pieces, the pieces that I will always remember will be Cheryl's Shanette's and Andrea's." I WAS STUNNED. I mean c'mon. I honestly don't think anyone in the class expected to hear my name. They be like whut shanette whut are you for real. Chey think I don't know lol.
Now.... I have to work on my FINAL assessment? Whut. I have come up with 1 minute of freaking choreography. What he doing.... Training us to be choreographers issit. I suck at it so badly I can't even. My vocab so fixed I feel like shit everytime when I need to come up with choreography. Like sai ok SAI. But ya I kinda have some sort of inspiration right now. So random... I swear I have the most random moments okay.
Went out with koala today. Oh my god he turned out to be so different. Wells I actually expected most of him but.... still there were so many sides to him that made me not regret today. I'm sorry I've been so numb to feelings nowadays I don't even know when is right to feel. As of now he has definitely been so nice in so many ways but.... is this for real? It feels so surreal that I am not ready to feel anything. I am not ready to put myself into anything and then die and slap myself afterwards. No. I can't. I can't believe someone out there is actually willing to accept all my flaws. I can't believe it!!!!!! Argh. Feeling so bad right now but.... Oh wells time will reveal everything.
Dip show is in like less than 2 months and we've got NO PIECES COMPLETED. NONE. Wtf man. Really this Melissa asking for trouble. Why couldn't she put in more rehearsals for this year's dip show FIRST then concentrate on next year's dip show? I swear she's overloading us with so many shit I'm like so fucking confused with life right now. So zoned out most of the time because my brain can't seem to switch fast enough. Motor dying off seriously. Life? What is life. No life. Friends? What is friends? No friends. Don't even have time for myself still can friends ah. I have so many work due once again and thankfully next week is project week. I promise to spend my free time on my Jazz essay and my mock scholarship interview that's about to come up this coming Saturday... Sigh no freaking time!!!!
But ok it's all gonna be worth it. All gonna be over. I can do this shizzzz goodnight bitches
Monday, September 8, 2014
Who am I
Finally recital is over. I wanna say yay to shorter days of school but I realised no... I still end at 9 on mondays. I still end at 8 on Wednesdays... Thursdays have now been extended till 7 instead of 6.30pm.. Well at least my fridays are still 6.15pm!! I guess that's good enough
I'm superrrrrrr tired. I've been sick since Wednesday night. The constant late night rehearsals and having to still go school at 8.30 in the morning. Fuck. I hate school. I hate the school starts so early. So I didn't go school in the morning on Thurs. I went in the afternoon and I have to hear my classmates say I purposely skip school just because they don't know I'm sick. Why the fuck should I explain myself? I hate how this stupid school just all assume that we skip school just because we skip school. Fuck? I'm so fucking annoyed. But whatever. Thursday night I had fever again. And Friday was freaking performance day. HOW EVEN. Supposedly I had Albert in the morning. But I didn't go. I WAS SHIVERING the whole night till morning I can't even imagine how I would survive the day let alone albert. So in the morning I woke up I texted the class. Obviously no one replied me except one of them but her reply was SOOOO convincing I almost wanted to smack someone in the face. DID THEY REALLY THINK I WAS LYING?!?!?! Fuck.
Went for stage run that morning and I was late. Initial plan was to go to the doctor. Well dad told me to. I said okay but he told me to stay home the whole day. I'M LIKE WHUT ITS FUCKING PERFORMANCE DAY. So no. So daddy suggested to fetch me to the place itself. I WAS SO THANKFUL REALLY.... Cuz I was still shivering. But yeah I reached there late. & I was panting like hell. The fact that we had to wear that stupid mask to dance didn't help me at all.... But honestly I was feeling better until around 5pm when i started feeling giddy and cold and hot all at the same time. Guess what? Just when the real show started I felt sick again. So horrible. I didn't warm up. My body was feeling so weak I just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep. After the first item, I came back, didn't feel any better because guess what? I FELL ON STAGE. Wow amazing shan amazing. Went on the second item and thankfully it went well. The curtain call was sooooo fucking draggy I almost wanted to just faint on stage. The lights were so hot, the overwhelming amount of people on stage.... WHY. After the whole thing I just wanted to freaking go home. I didn't know why I still wanted to go eat. Actually didn't want to. Still did in the end. Cabbed home because I really couldn't walk anymore. Body seriously taking it's toll on me.
I reached home at almost 12. Bathed and slept immediately. Woke up the next morning. Was supposed to meet Jai at 4 to watch ABCD. But she was soooo late that we ended up meeting at 5.30. Well managed to catch a few performances.. Watched "If I stay" too. Made me sad because why shan why haven't you been in love before? I'm going to be 20 next year and I still haven't had 1 single serious relationship. Kind of a loser. Really. But when people ask what you've done before I really have done every single damn thing. HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE. What are you doing with your life. Why are you playing around. Why do I give people the impression that I'm playing around... I don't want to I really am sick of this. I don't want to date millions of people. I don't like doing small talks. I hate people who don't stay. I just need ONE PERSON. Just one. Why is it so hard? Am I really that undeserving of someone? Why do everyone love treating me like a toy?
I am not trying to be someone I'm not. I'm just trying to hide the fact that I'm such a nice person so people will stop fucking taking advantage of me. But that's obviously not working. I got exposed immediately after just one night out with this person. HOW???? WHAT KIND OF VIBE DO I SERIOUSLY GIVE TO PEOPLE THAT PEOPLE JUST KNOWS I'M A NICE PERSON? Can I just not..... Becuz the nice person always gets hurt in the end. I'm tired of being so emotional. Tired of feeling so much for no reason. Honestly haven't been feeling much since the last guy I liked which was a few months ago but everytime I think about it I just can't help but feel something.
I can't help but feel old. I feel like I'm trying to be stupid and make stupid choices because I wanna live while I'm still actually young. But no. Mentally I know all these is full of shit. I really feel like I'm mentally 30 years old. I want to settle. I want a house. I want a stable job. I want to!!!!!!!! Fuck this partying life. Fuck this playing around with different people. So bloody tired. If you do not know I'm watching Mistresses. MAKES ME FEEL SO OLD. BECAUSE I ACTUALLY CAN RELATE TO THEM? LIKE WHAT THE FUCK? How even?!?!!? They are old!!!!! -_-
Speaking of stupid choices I just made another one on Thursday. I would like to call it a mission. I would really love for it to work out. Because I wanna see if I can get through the whole process, without actually feeling anything. Likewise for him too. I've never ever ever ever in my entire life thought I'd be who I am right now. It's crazy it's wild it's exciting and I love it yet the aftermath makes me guilty as hell..... Hmmmmm so many mixed feelings.
Super piece of shit I just need to get out of school. I need to graduate the fuck outta there. It's stupid to give up now because I'm left with 7 months more. Say short not short say long also not long.... I'm just really counting down till the end of November. It's like so near yet so far.... October needs to come to me. When october comes only then I feel November is super near. Only then I'll have motivation to keep going to school. Right now I'm just like in the middle and I'M JUST STRUGGLING SO BADLY. Why does school make me feel so meh? I feel like I cannot dread school at all. People judge me becuz I don't like school. People in school give me the why are you even hear feel when I don't come to school. It's okay if others don't come for a million times more than me but it's not when I don't. It's okay when someone else complains about something but when I do it's an automatic OH THERE SHE GOES AGAIN. Like why the fuck. Makes me so sick of seeing the people in school. You know last time at least if I dreaded school I still had friends and awesomeness to look forward to. That's how i got through school. In this school I see no one. I dread every single fucking thing. The one closest to me sometimes treats me like an invisible wall too. Happy come to me not happy I'm like a wall. Like jesus. My endurance level is so low. I can't wait for this to be over.
I can't wait for Yvonne to come back. Baby come back to me. I see Liqian so much nowadays it's actually so comforting. I don't know why I really don't know but really it is.
I'm superrrrrrr tired. I've been sick since Wednesday night. The constant late night rehearsals and having to still go school at 8.30 in the morning. Fuck. I hate school. I hate the school starts so early. So I didn't go school in the morning on Thurs. I went in the afternoon and I have to hear my classmates say I purposely skip school just because they don't know I'm sick. Why the fuck should I explain myself? I hate how this stupid school just all assume that we skip school just because we skip school. Fuck? I'm so fucking annoyed. But whatever. Thursday night I had fever again. And Friday was freaking performance day. HOW EVEN. Supposedly I had Albert in the morning. But I didn't go. I WAS SHIVERING the whole night till morning I can't even imagine how I would survive the day let alone albert. So in the morning I woke up I texted the class. Obviously no one replied me except one of them but her reply was SOOOO convincing I almost wanted to smack someone in the face. DID THEY REALLY THINK I WAS LYING?!?!?! Fuck.
Went for stage run that morning and I was late. Initial plan was to go to the doctor. Well dad told me to. I said okay but he told me to stay home the whole day. I'M LIKE WHUT ITS FUCKING PERFORMANCE DAY. So no. So daddy suggested to fetch me to the place itself. I WAS SO THANKFUL REALLY.... Cuz I was still shivering. But yeah I reached there late. & I was panting like hell. The fact that we had to wear that stupid mask to dance didn't help me at all.... But honestly I was feeling better until around 5pm when i started feeling giddy and cold and hot all at the same time. Guess what? Just when the real show started I felt sick again. So horrible. I didn't warm up. My body was feeling so weak I just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep. After the first item, I came back, didn't feel any better because guess what? I FELL ON STAGE. Wow amazing shan amazing. Went on the second item and thankfully it went well. The curtain call was sooooo fucking draggy I almost wanted to just faint on stage. The lights were so hot, the overwhelming amount of people on stage.... WHY. After the whole thing I just wanted to freaking go home. I didn't know why I still wanted to go eat. Actually didn't want to. Still did in the end. Cabbed home because I really couldn't walk anymore. Body seriously taking it's toll on me.
I reached home at almost 12. Bathed and slept immediately. Woke up the next morning. Was supposed to meet Jai at 4 to watch ABCD. But she was soooo late that we ended up meeting at 5.30. Well managed to catch a few performances.. Watched "If I stay" too. Made me sad because why shan why haven't you been in love before? I'm going to be 20 next year and I still haven't had 1 single serious relationship. Kind of a loser. Really. But when people ask what you've done before I really have done every single damn thing. HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE. What are you doing with your life. Why are you playing around. Why do I give people the impression that I'm playing around... I don't want to I really am sick of this. I don't want to date millions of people. I don't like doing small talks. I hate people who don't stay. I just need ONE PERSON. Just one. Why is it so hard? Am I really that undeserving of someone? Why do everyone love treating me like a toy?
I am not trying to be someone I'm not. I'm just trying to hide the fact that I'm such a nice person so people will stop fucking taking advantage of me. But that's obviously not working. I got exposed immediately after just one night out with this person. HOW???? WHAT KIND OF VIBE DO I SERIOUSLY GIVE TO PEOPLE THAT PEOPLE JUST KNOWS I'M A NICE PERSON? Can I just not..... Becuz the nice person always gets hurt in the end. I'm tired of being so emotional. Tired of feeling so much for no reason. Honestly haven't been feeling much since the last guy I liked which was a few months ago but everytime I think about it I just can't help but feel something.
I can't help but feel old. I feel like I'm trying to be stupid and make stupid choices because I wanna live while I'm still actually young. But no. Mentally I know all these is full of shit. I really feel like I'm mentally 30 years old. I want to settle. I want a house. I want a stable job. I want to!!!!!!!! Fuck this partying life. Fuck this playing around with different people. So bloody tired. If you do not know I'm watching Mistresses. MAKES ME FEEL SO OLD. BECAUSE I ACTUALLY CAN RELATE TO THEM? LIKE WHAT THE FUCK? How even?!?!!? They are old!!!!! -_-
Speaking of stupid choices I just made another one on Thursday. I would like to call it a mission. I would really love for it to work out. Because I wanna see if I can get through the whole process, without actually feeling anything. Likewise for him too. I've never ever ever ever in my entire life thought I'd be who I am right now. It's crazy it's wild it's exciting and I love it yet the aftermath makes me guilty as hell..... Hmmmmm so many mixed feelings.
Super piece of shit I just need to get out of school. I need to graduate the fuck outta there. It's stupid to give up now because I'm left with 7 months more. Say short not short say long also not long.... I'm just really counting down till the end of November. It's like so near yet so far.... October needs to come to me. When october comes only then I feel November is super near. Only then I'll have motivation to keep going to school. Right now I'm just like in the middle and I'M JUST STRUGGLING SO BADLY. Why does school make me feel so meh? I feel like I cannot dread school at all. People judge me becuz I don't like school. People in school give me the why are you even hear feel when I don't come to school. It's okay if others don't come for a million times more than me but it's not when I don't. It's okay when someone else complains about something but when I do it's an automatic OH THERE SHE GOES AGAIN. Like why the fuck. Makes me so sick of seeing the people in school. You know last time at least if I dreaded school I still had friends and awesomeness to look forward to. That's how i got through school. In this school I see no one. I dread every single fucking thing. The one closest to me sometimes treats me like an invisible wall too. Happy come to me not happy I'm like a wall. Like jesus. My endurance level is so low. I can't wait for this to be over.
I can't wait for Yvonne to come back. Baby come back to me. I see Liqian so much nowadays it's actually so comforting. I don't know why I really don't know but really it is.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)