That's what you get for pinning too much hopes onto a certain person. I never understood what hell of a lonely boring life I've had the past 2 months. I don't know what medicine I ate wrong to think that after he's gotten his freedom back I'd have more of a life back. This is what you get for wishing to spend and experience everything with just a single person but he on the other hand has loads of friends to share it with.

Not blaming him though I blame myself for being naive.

This dilemma I've had for the longest time. Another reason why I choose to stay home also because to save enough money of the littlest money I have so to enjoy times with him. Guess I was wrong again. I forgot he has his own life. & I've got to say I'm abit jealous. That I've completely lost myself and in the midst of this relationship he's found himself a life while I've lost mine in his.

It's time like this when I think wait am I even necessary in your life if he's only available for me Friday-Sunday? What about the times when I just feel like shit and I need someone to have waffles with after school? What about the times when I just need to have a lunch partner with and I just wish it was my boyfriend? I wonder sometimes if I'm asking too much. It's not like he doesn't know I'm feeling like shit though? That's the part that startles me a lot? Is it hard to make an effort to come pay me a visit, maybe bring me out to watch a movie or have waffles like I asked instead of just pushing me into your Friday-Sunday schedule? I feel a bit stupid now. Because technically his friends have him from Monday to 3/4 of the Friday.

I would completely understand if he has work and is UNABLE to come out. But no. It's only day 2 of his freedom from SOL and he's already having the time of his life recovering from his lost times in those 2 months while here I am just feeling all the old feelings I've had, whatever the shit feelings those were. I feel myself slowly turning off. I don't know because if it consistently is like that I wonder really if I'm even in a relationship or a relationship that is from Friday-Sunday.

I don't have the mood at all to sort things out. To talk things out or to even TRY and fix anything. Like why must it always be me trying to fix something. It's time I just let it be.

I blame you Shanette for always being the stupid naive bitch you are. Where's a real life vampire it's time u bite me so I can transit myself into being one so I can turn my feelings off and this will all be easy peasy.

Why am I always trying to figure out things? Trying to figure out how people are the way they are? Always trying to think if girls are worse off than guys or if we're just really all humans and all of us are so dysfunctional in a way we can't understand each other? 

I think there are times I simply cannot come to terms with the way I am as a person. And if that one simple step I can't even get through, how am I supposed to persuade others that I am a nice person to be with? 

I have a few traits I hate about myself. 

1. Over-controlling

2. Insecure

3. Caring beyond my limits 

These 3 are the 3 I've been working on this entire mother fucking year and I still feel I'm nowhere near overcoming it. 

I feel very alone for the past 2 months and still counting. So lifeless. So sick of life. I don't know what's pulling me through exactly. Hopes never seem to fail to come crashing down and disappointments never fails to come knocking at my door. I don't know what I'm living for anymore.

I'm currently fighting against the trigger that has always set me off to anxiety and panic mood. I don't know that me fighting it off equals to rage anger and more anger. I don't know what is better. To be depressed AF or to push those depressing thoughts to rage. NEITHER SEEMS GOOD TO ME. 

I don't understand why I cannot just be calm and collected. Be zen and just think of all the mystical creatures and unicorns in the world. WELL MAYBE BECAUSE THEY DONT EXIST. I'm so fixated on reality that it's just so damn hard to get out of it. I'm so realistic to the point where I'm really like giving up on everyone and on life. Like I can't even bring myself to trust anyone and rely on anyone anymore because NO ONE CAN BE TRUSTED, NO ONE CAN BE RELIED ON. 

Since young I always never understood the phrase, "I'm here for you" when I was young. Just like going through haunted houses. WHAT YOU'RE THERE FOR ME. The ghost will still scare me I will still be scared. Not like you being there is gonna miraculously make me un-scared. 

Learn to let go Shanette. Whats the point. U only have one life. Whats the point of holding on to so many things that sometimes can't be controlled.. Hai.. My life sucks and I really don't see the point of living it on. 

Been binge-watching Vampire Diaries for like 4 days now and I simply can't stop. But it's funny how I say I can't multitask but you know what? My mind multitasks on a lot a lot a lot of thoughts and I really wonder how I do it.

I wonder so many things and I just can't simply get it into my head that I am enough to be who I am. Yes I'm not pretty I'm not hot I do not have nice smooth fucking skin I am not social-media-popular I have frizzy messy fucking hair. But I can't seem to tell myself all those don't matter when I have someone constantly looking at other girls' photos or like actually looking up on them. I wish this insecure ELEMENT in my personality is not there. It has done nothing but harm in my life. I wish I can tell myself and say like "fuck if he wants to see other girls photos, go ahead because I'm way better than them" because I'm not. And it's just the feeling he gives me all the time like I'm just simply not enough aesthetically. It might be the insecurity and low-self-esteem that hits me. But his actions feeds into my insecurity. Doesn't help for me to voice this out anymore because he will just probably "delete search history" or whatever nonsense so as to not get into my head. But in my head I DO know he does look up other girls. In my head I do know no matter whether he does delete search history or not he still does stalk other girls every now and then. And I seriously SERIOUSLY wonder where he get those names from cuz If I were to ever know he's talking to someone else behind my back..........

Oh god I don't know. Doesn't even help that I actually just kinda OPENED myself up again. It's gonna hurt so much to know he could've taken advantage of that. Hai.

Why am I not enough. I know I lack in so much. Aesthetically. IN EVERY MOTHER FUCKING WAY.

Obsession?

There will be times I really wanna ask myself.. Am I that worthless to myself that I have to so damn insecure? Many times when I scroll my Facebook ticker and I see him liking the same few girls' posts, an inner fire in me serious catches me off guard. I do ask myself why. Like stupid girl it's just a lame post or probably some harmless post that means nothing, just a like. But the devil in me thinks otherwise. "Why does he keep liking he same girls' pictures? Trying to get their attention? Trying to be their regular liker? Is he attracted to them? Who the fuck are they?" I do so much thinking it drives me crazy. It's like I'd put myself in the position of him and think. And then I ask myself what would he be able to do so I'd be less insecure? I honestly don't even know. Because right now every time I discuss this sensitive topic of me and girls and insecurity, I feel like he thinks I'm demanding something, and I don't want it to be this way.

But really though, all the guy friends in my life, I very openly share who they are and just very openly tell my boyfriend and daily happenings if there are.. But he on the other side, he really tells me nothing much sometimes just shoves the question away saying like he just loves me he just wants me and all.... Words itself is not enough to prove.. I just want to be involved in his life I wish to know who is who.. Like deeper conversations instead of just simple one word answers.

I don't want to be this insecure low self esteem girl. But at the same time its really eating me alive. There really are days when I think I'm better off alone for the sake of my own mental health.

But really though the feeling of him regularly liking the same girls' posts compared to how many posts he likes when I post is pretty damn different eh.... Yes i do tell myself what's the point of seeing and making me upset yet at the same time I wanna see what kind of posts attract him. Hai what a paradox. What has social media done to me....? :(

Hai Shanette what happened to you..?