Finally the end of the fucking month. I survived this long and torturing month. There are random times where memories of what he told me literally flash across my mind and eyes and I just think how much I was willing to do to just bring back those moments to now. I just don't understand. I'm so envious of the guys that are still willing to work out with their girlfriends. I'm so fucking sad that this guy literally fucking give up on me and yet I'm still here lingering around for some miracle to happen. I don't know what I'm waiting for and I don't know if he'll ever come around. AM I THAT WORTHLESS????????? 

I feel fucking shitty. Really fucking shitty. If you know you're never gonna try ever again for me, why can't you just be heartless to me like 100%? Don't say you love me cuz if u do you wouldn't do this to me at all. Or at least you'd show me that I matter in ur heart. Do you ever not think that in the midst of you being so unwilling to fix us, that I might actually be gone because you're so unwilling to claim me? So unwilling to show me you care? So willing to push me away? So willing to make me feel like I'm fucking not needed in your life? What kind of bullshit talk about you saying you cannot live without me? So fucking obvious every week you're doing so well without me. Leaving me alone and leaving me here to sort out my own shit. 

Do u ever see yourself giving me ur heart again? I really don't think so. Now in the midst of healing myself, do you think I can ever give you my all again looking at how you pull this trick of leaving me? I don't think so either. So what are we waiting for? Waiting for one of us to move on? Waiting for one of us to block each other? You basically just want me to be the bad person. You just want me to be the heartless one to do all the cutting of contact. HONESTLY THO what harm would it do to you!? Jesus I keep thinking and thinking and like I can't understand why are you keeping me near you if you're gonna do this to me. I feel so tortured. Feeling like a fucking option. Like if you are in the mood you will remember me you will tell me shit. & if you have others? I'm fucking invisible. 

I don't know man. Nothing good is ever gonna come out of us anymore. We're beyond hurt.

There are days where I tell myself we can never be just friends because we are just simply more than that. I tell myself we will be back together and I definitely mean so much more than you. But tonight are the kind of nights where everything just proves to me that I’m nothing more than just a friend with benefit. What am I doing with my life? Why am I letting a guy manipulate me this way...? Just because he knows I love him more? Let me tell you know this fucking sucks. As time moves on, the line will be drawn. From lovers to friends with benefits... And from friends with benefits... We will become nothing more than just strangers with memories.. Just let it fade away.. I’m done and I’m hella sure there’s no way we will get back together. Shanette wake the fuck up and move on.

So what if he sleeps with someone else? So what if he kissed someone else even if it meant nothing? So what if he actually falls for someone else? Sorry but all of these are probably his choices if it ever happens. What am i???!!?? A fucking second choice. I’m just a fucking option all the fucking time. To think that he wouldn’t do this to me..

I don’t even know how he can go to sleep knowing how shitty I feel every night. I don’t even know how he can live with his conscience. But forget it. I don’t see the point anymore. Why hold on to someone who doesn’t fucking care anymore? Why hold on to someone who really just..... don’t see the point in trying for you anymore? I feel like a fucking beggar. Begging for his concern, begging for his love. It’s ridiculous. Fuck it already. You wanna be friends? Friends it shall be then.

So what if I miss you? So what if I love you? So fucking what??????

Forget it because you don’t want me anymore. Forget it because I’m sure even if you saw me with someone else you’d probably heave a sigh of relief instead of feeling jealous. Even if I’m being treated like shit with someone else, you wouldn’t even give a damn because you’re too busy living your life to even be concerned about mine. I’m probably better of being treated like shit than to love you who don’t even reciprocate your feelings.

April is finally ending.. I don't think there will be brighter days ahead as of now. Struggling to wake up everyday to do the necessary things in life.. Randomly hitting me in waves that I'm actually single, actually alone.. I'm really struggling. 

When I'm alone I just have all the time in the world to think what went wrong.. How it went wrong.. What could I have done to actually make things right.. Constantly blaming myself for shit that has already happened.. Why am I worth so little.. I know I'm a very hard person to love.. I thought he accepted my all.. I'm very scared of what's to come in the future.. I hate that I'm letting my emotions take over myself. Even though he's still there everyday, he's kinda not there anymore.. 

You know how girls always notice the littlest things in their partners..? It's those little things.. I'm very upset we have reached this stage. I just feel even though this might just be a phase, it's the hardest phase in our entire relationship.. The uncertainty is slowly killing me day by day.. Why am I on the losing end yet again.. Somedays I ask myself, what on earth do I have to lose..? Why can't I just move on from this and just stop whatever bullshit feelings that's eating me..? When can I ever step out of this..? 

Why is it when I put in my all, the end result is always like this? It hurts so much. I don't know when ever can I open up again.. As much as I seek comfort from the people I care, it's just never enough.. The one person that has always been there for me through literally every moment of my life.. Suddenly just decides "fuck that shit I am gonna live on my own".. After all that we have been through.. & After all the heart to heart talks.. 

I know it's just a phase. I know its just for the moment things are fucked up. My head is thinking clearly and I know I'm just being too overwhelming for anyone to love.. But how does that make me feel..? The person who's supposed to be there when I'm shitty decides to leave me.. Refuses to walk thru this path with me and leaves me alone to think for myself.. Yes I agree the big mistake here is holding too tight.. He made me hold him tight.. I'm so sad. I told myself from the moment we tried last year to fucking just give myself chance and not get myself into this kind of shit.. Yet here I fucking am again.. I remember telling myself I have to separate time with friends and him.. I cannot give myself all to him if not I'm left with nothing.. I told myself I need to give myself space and this rs space.. I keep telling myself if I meet him too often, things will get dull. Things will become like whatever the shit we are now.. 

WHY DON'T HE EVER LISTEN TO ME.... He will always convince me that things will be fine and he will make sure it is.. When I totally believe him, I land myself in this state. Picking myself up step by step.. Life is so hard.. I depended so much on him and now when I'm being left alone, I literally have nowhere to go. I'm glad my friends are still there for me but even so, it just feels so so so so fucking empty. 

I dedicated all my weekends for him. I literally only have that much time with him.. Unless he's in camp then I'll find the time to spend it with my friends. Yet now I'm just fucking empty. How can I ever be assured again that people won't do this to me.. T_T I feel like isolating myself.. Since young until now this is the exact shit I was trying to avoid and yet god still throws this shit in my face. I don't really know. 

Yes I wanna be better. I need to tell myself I don't need to depend on anyone to make me feel happy.. I need to live for myself and not for others.. Yet at the back of my mind... I really just want a guy to love me.. I really just want to settle down and have a family of my own with my cute little baby.. T_T I'm so sad.. 

I miss everything.. 

I miss knowing that it was a for-sure that I'd see you during the weekends.. I miss knowing that I can be open with my feelings to you.. I miss knowing that you'd try for our relationship.. I miss knowing that I'm loved by someone.. I miss all the times we had together and I just can't believe it has ended.. I'm so fucking sad everyday. As if you leaving me would make shit any better. We're currently just in fucking deep waters drowning ourselves.. It's so torturing.. 

What the fuck happened.. I'm sad to know that we will never get back together.. Because even if we ever did, things will be so fucking different.. How am I supposed to open my heart after everything you've done to hurt me.. The one and only person I thought would never break my heart this bad.. & you did.. 

Everything's changed.. & I can never get it back no matter how hard I try.. You can never love me the way you used to anymore..

It's only been a week since the "break up". Yet it felt like maybe a month has passed and it's about time we patch up.. Sigh I was watching like couple prank videos and one of them was a break up prank. I wished mine was a prank too.. Just tell me you want to get back together with me already.. T_T I keep telling myself in time things will get better.. But the time is just passing really damn slowly..

I wonder how much I'm worth for a person to try for me.. I feel pretty worthless right now and it's not a good feeling at all. Yet it's not in my blood to give up. I just don't want to.. As much as I tell myself things will be fine, I'm still fucking scared that in time to come he will actually just tell me "I'm sorry we won't work out.." "I'm sorry I feel guilty that's why I've been treating you the same as before" "I'm sorry I have someone new.." Blablablablablablabla....

It's like from his eyes I can feel he's really still there.. I can feel his heart with me.. Yet I can't seem to see why he refuse to try for us.. For me.. I'm not even blaming him for anything since everyone leaves me at the end of the day.. He was the last person that I'd expect to actually give up on me.. But he did.. Am I really destined to be alone..

I'm plucking out strength from the air itself.. I wish things will get better in time.. I wish it'd get better with him in my life not the other way round.. I just don't wanna fucking fuck anything up anymore. Yet I don't even know what's the trigger to that. It's so scary really. Like if I say something wrong? Or maybe too much love? Or too emotional? Too much burden...???? I don't even know really. I'm really just praying for the best hais. I thought he said it was just the fights that he's losing faith in this relationship.. But its definitely more than that that he can just give up like that and really not willing to try again.. YET he's still there he's not gone I just know he's still there not floating away..

Why must this be so confusing.. I really think I'm damn dumb trying to speculate so much nonsense, so many things going on in my head that I wished I could ask and yet I somehow can't face the answer.. It's just me to ask things straight out yet right now I really don't think it's a good idea.. I really don't know what I might trigger. The more I ask the more sad I become.. Because every single rejection I get, just makes the break up feel even more real.. But I really don't know what we are now.. I just think we should fucking get back together. Help.