I'm obviously supposed to be sleeping right now because I gotta be up at like 9 cuz I'm meeting the boy at 10.... But heck I decided to blog instead cuz got them feels yo

I've made the decision to tell my mom.... I honestly don't know if it's the right one. Cuz honestly I don't want it to turn out like the last time... Of course I feel like I have so much less things to worry now cuz I don't need to hide from them, but at the same time, would I be able to stand their nosiness? Especially my mom's?! CLINGY AS HELL NOISY AS HELL AND NOSY AS HELL. I'm saying this because the previous experience was bad as hell and really I do not want it to happen again. Now that I'm writing this I'm gonna remind myself to warn my mother tomorrow morning to not bother about me and my dating life. 

I'm a blissful girl right now. I don't know what the future holds. But.... I honestly honestly hope all will work out well. Fuck my life I actually have ALOT of things to blog about but I suddenly remember I have an extra early Christmas card to write shit...... SHIT HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN OMG I want to kill myself right now I deserve to die goodbye 

I miss you like crazy

I'm still very sad... I know these are my midnight thoughts but I guess I'll just write it down anyway.

At times like this I wish he wasn't in camp. I wish he could take me out to supper and you know just be there with me. I feel the most vulnerable during the weekdays. Like I need someone there. I need him there but he can't be around... I'm left with roughly 10 days in Singapore and out of the 10 I can only see him once. That's barely even a day. Even when I'm back after 2 weeks I can't even see him because he's going to be confined with his new recruits.. I can't celebrate my Christmas with him because I'll be flying off yet again for a few days... I can't celebrate New years with him either because he is not going to be out of camp. On the weekends he has his own work to deal with. & To find time for me, he has to lie to his boss to come out and find me. & In January he's going to fly off to Brunei for another 3 torturing weeks. So in a nutshell, I don't get to see him for the whole of December, and in January I only get to see him twice at most.

I don't know how to feel dating an army regular. I hate that time is not on our side at all. Like seriously why?! All these makes the time spent with him very precious but I really feel... sad just thinking about it. I guess that's why they say girlfriends always leave their boyfriends once they enter army. NOT LIKE I'M GONNA LEAVE HIM. I'm just saying I feel the pain and ache and it sucks to feel like this.

Sucks. This sucks. So many random times I miss him like crazy and wish he was here but nope he can't be. I know I'm being greedy but what can I do :(

God sent

Monday, exactly a year ago.... Wow how things have changed. I'm so shocked at how time flew by seriously. I'm so glad I've let go, I've moved on and greater things have came in my life. I have sooooo much to write on my new years post this year. I feel like every year my new years post getting longer and longer. HAHA.

I'm really feeling so blissful. I'm so happy to be dating my man. This lovely man who just amazingly appeared in my life like this. It's really fate.. I don't know how to describe this feeling because it's scary and it scares me every single day. But I'm so happy that everyday I wake up you're still with me. & Everyday I just love you even more. The care bear that cares for me like there's no tomorrow. 

I'm still sad that we're both busy.... I'm sad that I can't spend Christmas with you. I'm even sadder I can't start my new year with you because you might not be able to book out. 

He makes me a better person in the oddest ways. I've learnt to stop clubbing. I've learnt to not go out so much. I've learnt to sleep earlier because he always asks me to and tells me its really bad that I always have insomniac problems.. I've learnt to start thinking how I should earn money because this man pays for everything everytime we go out. I understand he wants the best for me but baby it's crazy and I feel super duper bad. I don't want to think that I love him because he's always spending money on me. He told me a few times before "I don't want to go out with you when I have no money.." You don't understand. You don't need money to spend the day with me. Just appear in front of me. That'll do. Then yesterday night I came across this page on modern houses and it's renovation rates. One of the houses looked like my dream house like seriously. So I shared my thought with the man. He told me "Wah like that I need to earn more money already. Hahahaha" I replied "We'll earn together~~" & he said "But I don't want you to suffer too much.." Sobs I've really found him.. Though I'm seriously not used to taking all the time... I'm so used to giving and giving. Everytime in my head all I'm thinking if what I can offer to this lovely guy. What can I do to make him a happy man. 

I finally don't have to deal with boy issues... Those mind games. Those uncertainty. I've found a man who has goals in life, who knows what he wants and is aiming to achieve them in a span of a few years. I've found a man who stays even when he has all the right reasons to leave. Like me throwing random tantrums just because I don't know how to voice out my opinions sometimes. (I'm trying. A long way to go but I'm opening up.) I've found someone that sweet talks me like crazy and yet he also proves those words. 

Thank you for appearing in my life. 

Weekend getaway with the bae

Hey I'm finally home

The zhuzhu came to pick me up at my house yesterday afternoon. Staycation at the fullerton hotel... YEAH I KNOW RIGHT ATAS LIKE HELL. I also very.... shocked like crazy. The hotel was so amazing I can't even imagine I was there with someone I love and not even my family... It was crazy... Seriously felt like a one night honeymoon.

Ordered room service for lunch and I was shocked by the serving size. Seriously cray but it was seriously so delicious. Stayed in the hotel, fell asleep becuz it was sooooo damn comfy, and then went for date night with him at almost 9. Went to the restaurant and bars nearby for dinner and drinks. Heart to heart talk for hours.. My heart was feeling so much it was crazy. It was like there were so many things I could've said but.... Nothing came out. I am not afraid to show him my vulnerable side. It was just that I couldn't put my words into sentences and I felt insane. I really feel like the luckiest girl to have met him. Like really. Baby you have no idea.

Went back to the room at about 12 and we decided to watch a movie but there were no nice movies to watch. "Bad teacher" was playing on tv though. So we ended up watching that instead. LOL but he... "I don't know why this movie turns me off so bad" YUP I WOULD KNOW. After jumping around and shit this boy was hungry yet again!!!! OMG at that time it was already like 1.30 or something. He decided to call room service AGAIN LOL OH MY GOD. So yeah Bak kut teh and lasagne at 2 in the morning. It was crazy. We both fell asleep before they rang the bell though. Holy it was such a nice sleep I suddenly regretted ordering room service. Woke up, ate our food and then we went back to sleep. Yup so we slept at like 3 or sth... BUT THE BAK KUT TEH WAS AMAZING. Like seriously I love it.

I have a lot of things going on in my mind right now. That I can't deny. & it's really all over the place and I really can't seem to sort them out, neither can I put them into sentences. It's not that I think status is something that's super important. Becuz I'm sure even without that, if we love each other we'll stay by each other. I know I will. Becuz you just mean that much to me. Of course it hurts to know I'm not exactly the first priority, but I'll make do with it. Only because you're worth it. You told me not all girls or almost NO girl will ever wait for a guy like this. Think again. Or maybe stay a little longer baby. You'll know I'll be here till the end of time. Becuz I'm Shanette. Shanette doesn't give up on the things that belong to her. Shanette doesn't let it go just becuz things are getting hard. Shanette goes through every shit there is just to get to it's destination.

You have no idea how amazing it is for someone to look at me with those lovely eyes. You don't know how romantic you are when you do little things like keeping me warm when I say I'm feeling cold. Your warm embrace.. Your soft kisses... It's crazy. Whatever I'm feeling. I don't know. I feel too lucky. Too surreal. Baby are you real?

I believe in us

The rain.... just made today felt more like it's already the holidays. Not only that, it's bringing back memories from last year which I cannot fathom if it's a good or a bad thing. Everything I've been through, I'd call it an experience and I'm proud that I've been through it. & yet on the other hand it also makes me feel so melancholic and all. But i don't know all these just make love that man even more. How come????? HOW COME. I have a lot of question marks in my head right now but really I don't know how to explain this.

I'm so damn sad I'm going away for 2 freaking weeks to Italy in December. I wish so much that he can come along... :'( I was sooooo damn homesick the last time I was in Europe. This time it's gonna be even longer than last year. I'm dead :'( How am I gonna do this. I'm gonna miss my pig so much I am going crazy. I know it's still a few weeks more till I depart but still.... IT'S LESS THAN A MONTH. I don't know about him but I'm scared. What will happen in the 2 weeks? I know he has been away for almost a month. But.... I don't even know whether I can buy a sim card over there. What if I can't? That means the time I spend talking to him will be sooooooo little. Oh my god I can cry. This is gonna happen all over again. I can foresee myself crying the last time I see him before I fly. I don't like this I don't like :( He might not understand why but... I just don't like to know that he might just disappear.

I finally figured out why I feel like this is so surreal. I know I haven't been in a relationship before. But when it comes to feelings, I'm always the one giving more than the other party. I'm always thinking of how I can make the person I like happier. What I can provide for that person. It was never the other way around. Well maybe they use their mouths to talk ah but this guy shows it to me.... I'd really go all out to make him happy because if he's happy, I'm happy. I know sometimes my priorities are all wrong but.... sorry la.

Is it weird that I'm starting to get greedy? I wish for more time with you. I want to retravel Singapore with you. I want to go everywhere and have a memory with you. I wish we weren't busy. I know we only know each other for a few months but I just wished we had more time for each other. I want to be yours so badly but at the same time I need to take a step at a time. I don't know about you but for me a relationship means so much... 

"You're mine" 

"No I'm single"

"Yeah you're single but you're unavailable" 

I love it when you call me yours. I love it when you tell your friends that I'm your girl. I love it when you prioritise me. I love it when you find the littlest time out of your busy schedule just to see me. I am getting greedy. I don't know how to live in the now. I only think of the negative side like how I wouldn't be able to wake up next to you the next day. How you've to book in to camp on Sundays. How I can't see you on the weekdays. It's quite saddening. Because I'll never be able to just meet up impromptu when I'm having a bad day during the weekdays. I can miss you like mad but nothing can be done about that. 

To be really honest I do see a future in us. I really don't regret giving you a chance. What I regret now is why didn't I give you a chance earlier... I know I think a lot but sometimes I think it's just for my own good. I've been thinking if I have really fallen in love or am I just holding onto you cuz I'm lonely. I've thought about it. I can survive on my own. I've been single my entire life. I've been dating people here and there for the fun of it. I know the kind of people out there and I know who to watch out for. Yeah of course there are times when I'm lonely. But you are definitely not my lonely choice. 

Thank you..... for staying even though I've pushed you away so many times in the past... Thank you for making me feel like the best girl you've ever met. Thank you for accepting my flaws. Thank you for looking past my scars. I don't know what else to say. You don't know how lucky I feel to be your special one. I've never been anyone's special one... I always feel like a second place. 

I know I'm starting to get greedy because I'm starting to feel like I'm getting clingy. I feel so annoyed when you let me wait for you for hours. I feel so annoyed when I get angry over the smallest things and I can't hide it and then I spoil your mood. It's not on purpose but I don't know why I just can't help it. I feel so annoyed because I'm starting to care so much more than before. I'm starting to feel like how a girlfriend should feel. & it scares me. I know it's just a status. I know it's just "oh girlfriend boyfriend" but still, a status is still a status. As of now I'm still someone you're dating. I know we call each other sweet nothings but we're still not in a relationship. I know you're really sincere. I know you love me. I know it. But I feel like I think I'm worth more than just a text. Ask me in real life. Do something.. 

Of course I'm sure he will never read this ever. But that's only because I don't want him to. I feel like my blog spoils my relationship with people. I wouldn't say my blog is 100% me because most of the time I blog when I feel a lot. Not all the time in real life do I feeeeeel like crazy right? I just want to write it down when I actually do. Like now. I remember how my ex lovers used to find my blog and they just don't know what to say. I honestly am not using my blog to purposely show how I feel about a certain someone. That's why I never ever promote my blog. If you know my blog, yeah good for ya. Otherwise I just let it be. I don't tell anyone to read my blog because what for. It's just a place for me to note down my own feelings. I just am this open minded I don't mind letting people know how I feel. I just do not go around telling people like "oh i'm writing about you so you better go read it so you know how i feel." NO. Ok just no. 

I'm still learning how to communicate. Learning how to tell you how I feel. I'm trying and in the midst of all these you still stay by me. Thank you. There are people from the past... who just couldn't stand my negativity, who just couldn't understand why I'm so passively aggressive, who couldn't be bothered to understand it from my point of view. I know nowadays in almost every post I'm being so thankful. Because I genuinely am. Of course I hope there is still a long way to go. I don't blame you for not knowing me that well. I mean come on it's only been a few months. 

Ah! Ok enough enough I still cannot seem to get my thoughts out straight. Like no matter how much I write it still doesn't make any sense to me. WHYYYYYY LOL 

Love? What?

"The truth is I'm always scared no matter what you say, no matter what you do for me not to be. I'm always scared that you might leave and get tired of how I'm always scared about things."

Aloha. For someone who hasn't really been in a relationship, I think I've been through enough shit to know what kind of a person is toxic and what kind of a person is just shit.

Saw a friend broke down right in front of me today. Her personality is somewhat similar to mine when it comes to sensitivity. When she told me her story I just got reminded of the guy I dated in the beginning of the year. To me the storyline is almost the same... Except this guy.... Is probably worse. Because he doesn't know how to differentiate a relationship and having fun. If you're not ready to settle down, DO NOT use the word relationship. DO NOT make someone your girlfriend. Both are cowards. Because they do not want to talk things out. They just want to leave people hanging. At least for me it was just like nothing serious. But my friend's dude.... Actually made her his girlfriend. I think he should hold some responsibility to that status. Fucking jerk.

I'm glad that I've opened my eyes to the kind of guys there are out there. Not all are the same. Knowing how horrible the world is makes me appreciate the people around me so much more. It makes me appreciate him sooooooo much more. Like WHY AM I SO LUCKY? I'm happy that I've met someone who is actually sooooo different from anyone else that I've met. Thank you I'm so thankful. I'm so thankful to find someone that actually tolerates my nonsensical moodiness. Thank you for being so patient with me. Sometimes i want to slap myself for always getting angry over the smallest things. Yet you still take the blame.... Thanks for always reassuring me because I'm such an insecure mother fucker. I know you don't know how awesome you are. Maybe to you the things you do for me are nothing. But to me it means everything. Things like you waiting for me to get home safe before sleeping even though you're so fucking tired... Things like you making sure I reach home early so my parents won't nag at me. I honestly want my parents to see what an awesome guy you are. I really can't wait for the day. & I hope that day comes.. Everyday I wake up and i think to myself, thank you for waking up and still choosing to love me. Of course not everyday is a haha-hehe day. We have our emotional days. I definitely have my moody days. Thanks for staying by my side and making sure that I'm fine. Even though you're so busy you still find the time to spend it with me. Not everybody does that.... Thanks for always making me feel so special.

So we all know how shitty my thursday and friday was right? Cuz I've posted about it duh haha. Ok so he was so sweet on Saturday what can I dooooooo

Spent my Saturday afternoon and evening with Becky. Went to catch Love, Rosie. Meh throughout the whole show I was just thinking "oh my god I wish you were here". Feeling bad for Becky BUT THAT'S ONLY BECUZ.... I'm sitting next to this couple who is so..... MEH ANNOYING. So after the movie, that boy returned to SG. In my head I was just thinking like hmmmm maybe I can meet him tonight. Maybe he's free... Blah blah. I usually have these thoughts but it never ever comes true. So I asked him what was he doing at night and all that and he told me he was busy with work. Yeah.. I'm very sad because nowadays his work is driving me mad. No time for me at all.... But of course being the understanding shanette that I always am... I just let it go and be understanding lol.

But guess what...? WE MET IN THE END~~ Even though it was late and even though it was only a couple of hours... I still saw him and I was genuinely very happy. All of my sadness on Friday just disappeared. Of course then when we were about to leave cuz it's late.... I was sad. LOL I don't understand why time flies so fast when I'm with him. & it's precious time because I only get to see him once a week. Like dafak. Sometimes I don't even see him roar. Sighpies what is this hahahah.

Seriously though, it was so nice to know someone actually prioritises me.. Thank you so much. Can't wait to see you soon my busy soldier.