A love story has started. The past is gone. The future and the present is what matters. Goodbye 2014

Once again another year has flew by so quickly. It has definitely been one of the most torturing years in my 19 years of life. & also, a blissful one because I've found the one.

I have to thank that one person though. The one person that meant the world to me last December. The person that gave me so much hopes and made my mind go wild just thinking of all the "one days" that he said. Because of him I've experienced everything a girl could've experienced in a span of maybe 2-3 years. I was happy I got thru it in just a year.

Then I met another guy in the beginning of this year. It was a short one month, yet it has taught me so many things. What kind of people I should be wary of. He made my self esteem real low. Because it seemed like whatever I do it was never enough for him. It was like my flaws were even bigger flaws in his eyes. He made me felt like shit but I don't regret meeting him. Because I've definitely known better right now.

So after awhile I realised the guy that I've dated for a month was just a rebound from the guy that gave me hell loads of butterflies in my tummy in December 2013. Hell no I wasn't over him. I didn't even know what I was feeling. I know it definitely because I was lonely thats why I said I wasn't over him. Because he, gave me NO ATTENTION at all. He didn't care whether I was sick. He didn't care if school was killing me. He didn't care if I was injured. He didn't care at all. He didn't even bother texting me. None. No news. All these shit ended in July. Technically May but I only got thru the shit in July.

I've gone crazy clubbing after that. I didn't know why I felt joy when people were giving me the attention no one would when I'm sober. I loved it when people came up to me. I loved it when I was approached by tall guys. In my heart I knew all they wanted was my body but I just told myself yolo. I was just having fun. That's all that matters. I wanted to prove to him that there are many people out there that wanted me. So without him I'm fine as hell. But every morning after each night I felt horrible. Why do I do such things to torture myself? I have my own morals. I know right from wrong. Why do I downgrade myself to that extent just to feel wanted? What the hell was wrong with me? I have honestly regretted the one thing I did right after my birthday. That shall not be mentioned over here. A week after that I did something EVEN worse. That was my breaking point. It has been haunting me till now. Thank you, you, because now you will never get out of my head and my nightmares.

Through this all I thank Liqian. Thank you so much for being there for me. You have no idea how much I appreciate your love. I will never forget the one time when I was feeling like shit and you bought cupcakes to my school. I love you so much you're like the one friend I'll never ever let go. Thank you for seeing all sides of me and still staying by my side, guiding me slowly and all. So much love.

I hated school. I dreaded school ever since Day 1 of this year. It was so bad that I honestly wished I could go back to secondary school times. I rather go thru fucking O levels all over again. At least my friends were lovely as hell and they were all I looked forward to everyday. All I wanted was the weekends to come so I could party my life away. I hated the people I hated the drama. Like why was I even in it??!?!?!?! Just because I liked someone who didn't even have the balls to say he liked me until he lost feelings for me. Come i clap for you. The weekends were my only cure to distance myself away from all these irritating fuckers.

The start of third year was not very good either. I honestly have lost all interest in dance. I go to school only to let the teacher look at me and tell me "eh you party during the weekend issit"  dafak. What kind of teacher. Just because of the one time I clubbed with the fucking seniors. That was one helluva embarrassing night. When I think of it I want to vomit blood. I just hate everyone hate it

I loved the recital nights where I could escape to liqian and rant. I don't know how she tolerate me sometimes but sigh if she was a guy I'd marry her. YES I WOULD BE THE ONE PROPOSING BECUZ I LOVE HER TOO DAMN MUCH.

So the second half of the year I went clubbing twice. Once was in Aug and from there I met another jerk. Well okay not much of a story to tell over here but again a different kind of jerk. At least I know the kind of men there are out there. He was a 25 year old that had no goals in life, no plans on settling and all he did was fuck around and party every Wed Fri and Sat. Mini background for ya. More info for ya? His peanut was so small I don't even think it exists.

And then Mid September the love of my life appeared. He was the one guy that I've judged for so long and I feel so bad. I didn't even reply him, or gave myself a chance to know him. All I did was ignore. Until that one day I decided to just reply him since he still never gave up saying hi and since I was bored. Yeah look at that sentence I said "since i was bored" yes it's true I won't lie. When he wanted to date me out I said no. I couldn't bear to see myself go out with a guy that couldn't even type properly in texts, let alone his ahbengness was overwhelming.

I was so so wrong. I wouldn't say I fell for him on the first date. It took me 2 months. 2 months to slowly understand his nature, to open up and to see his sincerity. I didn't regret knowing him. He made me felt so much in a span of 4 months. Heartache, love, anger, disappointment, care, concern. He came into my life and everything changed. As each day passes I have this thought that he'll leave me soon enough. But no. He stayed even until now. Slowly my judgement towards him became an infatuation. Then I started to like him so much it became love. & it gets stronger each day. I knew he was the one.

I hated how time was not on our side. I hated how far he was when he was at Germany. I hated the time distance. & When I was at Italy I felt the same. I really bow down to those who do long distance relationships. I know I wouldn't be able to handle it. I'd miss my guy so much I would probably cry every night.

This might seem so weird but I honestly see a future with him. He may be my first love but probably also my last. Maybe I'm one of the lucky girls in this world that might end up with my first love. Many might tell me I'm just at my honeymoon period. All of these will die down after a year. I will get tired of him constantly nagging at me and shit like that. Yeah I'm sure it'll happen. But I know myself I love that guy. & whatever it is I'll make sure we give in to one another. I know it's stupid to say I'm not a materialistic girl because I'm only 19. I'm still under the support of my parents and I do not need to work for anything. He on the other hand, is supporting himself. Hence he has a lot of insecurities when it comes to the future with me. To me honestly love is above everything. Whats suffering when I'm suffering with the one I love? I know it sounds annoying and cliche and shit but really...... I hate to put my happiness in someone else's hands. But that's all that is. I can't find happiness within me. I feel happy when I make someone happy. That's me and that'll always be me. So I love him. When he's happy, I am. He makes me smile like an idiot all the time and even when we talk rubbish I don't find it childish. Because it's with him.

I have a lot of things to thank him for. Like how he's so patient with my horrible attitude. How he is always giving in to me. I feel horrible when I get angry.... Because I don't want to but I can't help it. I'm gonna start changing this horrible temper of mine. Thank you Dylan. I know we've officially been together for a month only but you're really all that matters in my life. Of course there are other things in life that matters la, like my job and fucking studies.. But as long as you're here with me I have enough strength to pull through anything.

I've did something I've never done in my life. I brought him over to meet my parents, as my boyfriend. They talked and they seemed fine with it. I loved that everything went well that very day. I'm thankful to have celebrated Christmas with you. I'm thankful to be able to start 2015 with my baby.

I love you 

I may have been a fucked up person for almost 3/4 of 2014 but he has definitely gotten me out of the state. I lost myself and he found me. Thank you for making me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. I'm definitely not a princess but thank you for always treating me like one. No one in the world loves me as much as you do and because of that I thank you. Thank you for waking up everyday and giving me a morning text with fail. Because honestly even though it's a a simple "good morning baby" it's still wonderful to see your name on my phone the first thing I wake up.

I know there are times when I feel like I can communicate my feelings to you. That's because I'm doubtful of myself. I hate this habit of mine. I hate to let people know what I'm actually thinking until they say something first. I really don't know why my intuition is so strong. It's really scary because sometimes the things I think about, I don't want it to happen.... But I just know it will... I am not saying that anything's gonna happen between us. Like I said I can see things. I have definitely not seen anyone in my future. I have faith in us. I want you to believe me because I am trying very hard to believe in myself. We will work things out when things get worse. We will always work things out.

Ok how did this become some love letter.... I'm sorry I have so much to say.

Maybe you've read my posts for the past few days. I have been having trouble coping with my family, friends and my boyfriend. I feel too much for everybody. I know I can't please everybody but they are still my closest people. To see them feel like shit makes me feel like shit. I wish I had enough time for each and everyone of them but I really can't. I know I can't ask for everybody's understanding. But I hope our friendships will still last as long. I am honestly afraid to know what will happen a few years down the road. These group of friends are the only closest people to me. I have already appointed all of them to be my bridesmaid. They cannot forget me. I know sometimes I'm a selfish and greedy person when it comes to love but I love all of them. I cannot sacrifice ANY one of them. No. I apologise if I haven't been spending a lot of time with y'all... You know I mean no harm. As for my parents... All I can say is that I wish they know I'm not the kind of person they think I am. I'm not a princess I'm not somebody who's good for nothing. I can survive in the jungle if you throw me there. I can go a few days without food. I can go through sufferings if you want me to. I can do it.

The goals I have for next year, is to safely graduate from my dance course. I honestly would consider taking an arts management degree. If that's the case then I hope my interview would succeed. Also grad trip with my clique... PLEASE I want it to happen. We've been waiting for years for this year to come. It has to happen. Speaking of trips, I really wish to be able to travel with him next year. I don't know if it's possible.... But if it is, I thank god waaaaaay in advance.

Quite depressing because I just read my NYE's post for 2013 and I realised last year was a bad year for me too.. Sad to say, 2014 has been worst. Although of course he's the best thing that has happened in 2014. For him I'll say thank you to all the shits I've been through in 2014. Because that's what brought me to you. I'm pretty sure he'll be the best thing in every of my new year's post from now on. Thank you baby I love you so much, to the moon and back.

My one week left of holidays has just started. What the flying fuck. Why is time passing so fast?

It's 12.39am now and...... sigh you know what i am really starting to hate social media a lot. It's like I don't like to see some things and yet I rather know than not know. I really can't help but feel insecure. I don't know. What the hell. How come everytime I stalk around I see new things from the past? It's weird it's as if Facebook is slowly revealing all the stupid posts. I feel creepy because why the hell am I stalking them? Maybe because he once loved them like how he loves me now. & Knowing that one of them is his first love doesn't make things any better. Of course I've had my own share of nonsense but I can say very loudly he is my first love. I've never reached to the point of loving any one of them in my past. 

I used to say things like the past doesn't matter, what matters is what's present and what's in the future. But it's actually so hard. Because the past is seriously what made you now. You can never let go of it. I was reading those posts and I could genuinely feel the level of hurt he had been through and it sucks. I don't know even know why I felt hurt? WHY AM I SO ABNORMAL. Everytime he says things like "You're the only one that make me feel this way" "You're the only one.........", I'd think how he used to say it to his ex... I'd think like his ex used to be his only one. WHY AM I LIKE THIS OMG CAN I GET OVER IT. 

I know people say "just treasure the moments you have because the future is unpredictable". But I can't.... I'm really afraid of what will happen. I really can't afford to lose him. What happens if I really do... I can say for sure I'll not let him go. I am not doubting his love for me. But he's a guy.... & guys see more than they feel.... I am not attractive... I am so insecure because he has so many pretty girls on his Facebook. Why does he have girls who posts such revealing photos... Why does he like those photos... 

I am such an active social media person. But because of those idiotic posts in the past that I see on Facebook, I refuse to be like one of them. I refuse to let his friends say things like "woah change new one again ah" "woah another one ah". NO. I fucking do not wish to hear that. I refuse!!! 

I've been really feeling like shit since Christmas.... Nothing is making me smile at all. Even him because he's been so busy and not that I don't understand. It's just that the timing sucks.... When I need him by my side he's not there... I feel like shit. I haven't really had the time to talk to him. I miss him so much it's driving me crazy. How did I become this attached??? My heart literally aches. It hurts. I don't know what's going on inside. I can't believe I'm typing all these but I'm just assuming no one reads my blog anymore so I shall just say whatever I want... 

Maybe this is post school depression. School's gonna start... I'm gonna have no fucking time. It's my last semester but it's gonna make me depressed as fuck. :'( I really don't know why this feeling sucks so much. School why do you make me so depressed? 

"Because people have made her promises in the past and they’ve broken them. Because no matter how hard she works or how good of a person she is, she doesn’t believe she is worthy of love. Because she’s had too many people leave her – both intentionally and unintentionally – and she doesn’t want to give you the chance to leave too.

She’s had moments where she didn’t know how she was going to keep going. Moments where she didn’t think she could get out of bed, and worse momentswhere she did get out of bed and she felt like an empty shell while she was walking around. At some points, she was so lost and so torn up that she wasn’t even sure if she was real.

Sometimes she can’t believe that you love her, but other times she doesn’t want to believe that you love her, because that would just be too good, and good is not what she’s used to. She doesn’t want to love you and then lose you. She’s scared, because having someone and then not suddenly not having them is a lot scarier than being alone.

She’s seen some beautiful love, but she has a hard time remembering that kind of love when she’s watching the sadder stories unfold. She’s seen her friends get hurt, and she’s seen her friends hurt other people. She knows that breaking someone’s heart doesn’t always mean you’re a jerk or a heartless monster. She knows good people hurt other good people. Sometimes one person just doesn’t love another in the same way. Sometimes they did love that person and then they fall out of it. Either way, they have to be honest with themselves, and they have to be fair to the other person. In the end, someone always gets crushed.

Somewhere inside of her, once you get past all of the defense mechanisms, she is soft and she feels things and she believes that you love her. But this is also the part of her that is the most vulnerable. She knows that if she’s going to let herself feel what you’re telling her and if she’s going to believe that you love her, she’s going to have to expose her soft side, her vulnerable side – the side she works the hardest to keep safe."

To be honest I can see us going far... I just don't know why I always have so many insecure thoughts... So many thoughts and more more more thoughts. I'm still really very scared to open up. I'm very scared one day you're no longer there. I'm so fucking scared my invisible balls are gonna drop. Really no one has ever ever loved me like you do. I've never ever been this attached to anyone ever since I was a kid... :'( I'm afraid.  I'm afraid to say it because when I think of it, I see it in my head and I'll cry. 

I finally understand what it means when they say love is painful. It indeed is. Everytime I feel insecure I remember what Amanda told me... How she was so sick of trying to make her ex feel secure. I am so scared if I don't change, one day he'll really get tired of me. 

I wish he's lying by my side now... I feel so broken but I don't want him to know. He's gonna find out though... He always does and it scares me... I can't hide my feelings for long. Sigh. His hug is all I need right now..

Just came back from fucking Bangkok. Worst trip ever. All thanks to my father. So this was how it happened.

So I went out on Christmas Eve night with my boyfriend. Told my mom I'd be back before 2am. But I  reached home before 1am. Next morning, which was Christmas day, my dad texted me and told me he needed to talk to me. I was so bloody fucking sleepy. It was one of those moments when you were awake only enough to look at your phone and reply a few messages. & so coincidentally group chats and boyf were spamming at the same time. So i got annoyed and just replied them all. Dad blue ticked me and didn't reply. So i asked him why he needed to talk to me. Of course he blue ticked me again and didn't reply. Ok that was that.

After I bathed and everything I asked my mom why dad wanted to talk to me. Cuz my dad wouldn't just randomly say he wanna talk to me. Something must have happened. So mom told me what he wanted to ask and I'm like okay. I wanted to talk to him only to realise he wasn't home. & I just had no fucking time. I woke up at 11 and I was meeting Dylan at 12. I had to be back before 1.30 because we had to reach the airport by 2. After lunch with Dylan, he followed me back home. Dad black faced me all the way. No rhyme no reason. Obviously mama was my spy but I have my senses too. I obviously knew he was fucking mad at me. GOD KNOWS WHY KAY

I wanted to greet him when I returned home but no. His face made me repel. I quickly packed my stuff and told Dylan to meet me at the airport. Mom was texting me throughout. When I saw him there the family just walked away from me. Thanks dad. You're so supportive. I walked behind them and reached the cafe they were at. Dad's face was so mother fucking black it was darker than charcoal. Mom was still texting me. And I was just talking to Dylan. Like everybody was just telling me to give way to him. WHY DA FAK. But ok for their sake I did.

Throughout the whole mother fucking trip all he did was showed me fucking black face. When I was buying dylan's clothes all he could do was give me that cb face. Why must he make me feel guilty for loving someone? Why can't he just be happy for me? Why can't he just mother fucking let me date my man and feel happy at the same time? Why must he always make things so mother fucking hard? Ok fine so he didn't talk to me at all. Every night he would go out with his friends and drink drink drink and drink even more.

That was that. I tried talking to him. Nope didn't really work he still got angry when I shopped for dylan's stuff. It made me think so hard. Like was it a right choice to tell him? Why must I face his shit? So unnecessary. I try so hard to think from his point of view. But god damn it you're a fucking man. Can you man the fuck up and stop acting like a girl. ONLY GIRLS BEHAVE THAT WAY.

I had so much on my mind. I had no wifi at all throughout the trip except at night when I'm at the hotel. I know dylan has his own life and a lot of things to settle too. But wow what right timing he chose to settle his stuff. Every night when I come back to the hotel I look forward to talking to him. I thought to myself "fine since my dad's been spoiling my mood the entire day and since i've been tolerating him because of the promise i made to dylan, i've survived the entire day tolerating and i deserve to be happy even it's just at night." But no. Every night I come back, Dylan's busy settling some impt stuff and I'm just left there thinking shit and thinking why he couldn't he have settled his shit in the afternoon.... I was just fucking sad.

Family and boyfriend family and boyfriend. That's not it. I was also thinking about my friend. I hate how he's always so last minute. But I can't blame him either because it's the SAF's decisions. Ok fine. But I've already had plans for new years eve. I felt fucking bad to cancel plans. I wanted to work something out so I wouldn't hurt her and still could spend time with her.. But no. Obviously she couldn't understand my situation. Not something that I can blame her for because I, on the other hand, understands where she's coming from. & that's why I felt so bad. Twitter kills people I swear. The kind of shit people tweet when they're upset or angry. It's just hurtful. I admit I do it sometimes too but I make sure the other party doesn't see it. & if i wrote something just because I was angry I'd delete it after.

I hate to say this but it's fucking hard to juggle so many bloody things when I have so little mother fucking time. I hate that everyone is giving me a hard time. I know I can never please everyone but she's my best friend. The least I expected of her was to understand that I never meant to hurt her in any way. It's enough that my father is giving me so much bullshit. Now she's just adding on to my stress. Thanks. Really.

She can't understand that it's not that I don't want to accompany to club. I know what kind of a person I am when I club. Not that I cannot control and all that shit. I can if I don't drink. But it's tiring. The last time I went there I swore to god it was really not a good experience for me. & I am attached now. I have to think of how he feels also. I wouldnt say I'm tied down by him. But I've decided to commit to him and it's only right to put his feelings into consideration. That being said, of course I have to think of her feelings too. But she she cannot understand. I don't know how to explain to her. I'm not trying to be miss-know-it-all right here but I just know her response would be "JUST GO WHY HE CONTROL YOU UNTIL LIDDAT ETC ETC." IT'S NOT. I don't fucking know how to explain this at all. I CHOOSE NOT TO. I choose not to waste 4-6 hours getting wasted and killing my legs and loathing myself the next day. I fucking hate it!!!!!

There are things that she's doing that I think is super wrong. I hate that I was part of what she has become. If it weren't for my craziness she really wouldn't have become what she was. I HATE IT AND I JUST REALLY ARGHHHHHH MY HEAD IS GONNA EXPLODE ANYTIME BUT NO FUCKING ONE WOULD UNDERSTAND.

No this is not a post that I'm gonna regret posting. Because yeah I've been hella keeping everything in and i'm getting nothing out of this. Why do I have to keep thinking about how others feel. WHO THE FUCK IS THINKING ABOUT HOW I FEEL????? Nope. No one.

Time check.... Time freaking check: 4.41am

What the heck. I swear I was sleepy at about 11ish after my bath. But now i'm jet lagged as fuck.

So I just touched down this night at 9pm. We flew off at 9pm italian time on Monday and we're only back at 9pm. Technically I've been lacking off sleep for like more than 24hours already. & fuck I don't get why I'm still not sleeping.

I have mixed feelings about this trip. Firstly, I loved the weather. Of course.... I'm a polar bear how could i not right? But the bad side of it was I forgotten to bring my moisturiser. Yeah say I'm forgetful say I'm stupid whatever. So yeah my skin is in a really bad condition right now and I'm thinking it'd recover by Friday or so. Singapore's weather will melt me. Secondly, I hated the food over there. I swear to god European food are the WORST FOOD EVER. I've already tasted it last year and gave it another go this year... NO NO NO. Hate it. Thirdly, I've made a new friend. One of the youngest friends I've ever known..... LOL I'm very sure in my friends list I have no one that is born in the year of 2000. She has made my friend a fun one. Definitely doesn't act like a 14 year old. I feel a little too childish when I'm with her sometimes. Like WHUT. Lastly, I've had so many heart to heart talks with my mom and dad IT'S INSANE. Well even my brother.

I DON'T KNOW I'M FEELING SO MESSY RIGHT NOW. I'm so excited to show them my boyfriend and I'm so nervous at the same time. HE BE COMING MY HOUSE THIS FREAKING SUNDAY BITCHES THIS IS SOMETHING THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED IN MY LIFE. ME? BOYFRIEND? MY HOUSE? MEET THE PARENTS???????? i'm going insane.

While walking about the mall at Switzerland on the last day of my trip, I keptttttt on asking my mom what kinda questions she's gonna ask him. Oh for your information, it was my mom who invited him over for christmas. OH YEAH THATS ANOTHER GOOD THING I GET TO KISS HIM UNDER THE MISTLETOE HOHOHO CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY :P Ok back to my mom. Yeah so she was like "What kind of questions do you want me to ask him?" I'm like what the heck which mom asks her daughter what kind of questions should she ask. LOL and she told me she's just gonna see how it goes and ask impromptu questions. NOT HELPING GURL.

So my parents have talked so much to me about the future and the scariest part of it all is that he and I have been on the same topic recently. Scary because I didn't even need to go to my parents for advice. They just came to me and bombarded me with a whole load of answers that I still kinda need time to digest... Sometimes I really think it's my fault. Like why can't shanette communicate well. I hate how my parents think I'm never ever independent like I have no clue about anything in the world. At the same time sometimes I feel like why the heck should I tell. I don't like the feeling of showing off. Or like "yeah whatever you said, i know already" so I just listen to them blabber anyway. The things they think I never think about, gurl I've thought soooooo much about it. Especially at times like this.

I really can't believe all of this is happening. I can't believe I suddenly have to think so much about my future. I can't believe it. I honestly thought I wouldn't settle down till I'm about 25 because I was so sure I wouldn't find anyone. I don't know whether to count myself lucky or not. After all this is my first relationship. I know it's still too bloody early to talk about the future but I honestly don't know what I'd do without him. To me I see him in my future. That's why I'm together with him. We plan things together and we want it to happen. 3, 4, 5 years... Still a long way to go.

I'm excited to see you again. I miss him so badly. :'( Another week and I'll be off to thailand. Again, mixed feelings about it. I guess I have 1 week to make my tummy flat again before exposing my body under the hot sun at thailand.

Good evening bitches

Saturday night was one of the most sober nights of my life. It's official. The party life for me is OVER. You wouldn't believe it's me at a party last night I swear to god. I couldn't stand the alcohol. I loved the music but I had no mood to move because I was too hella sober and the dance floor had nobody. Also I was feeling rather down before heading to the party.. Why? Becuz before that I was with the boy and it was the last time I'm gonna see him till like a month or so later... It's fucking saddening and I hate it. I tried so hard not to sob but I don't understand why the tears just kept on flowing WTH IS WRONG WITH ME.

He came to fetch me at around 11 and we went for brunch because this boy didn't eat the previous night. Went kopitiam to eat (like finally he's not spending so much on me and i'm so happy) but HE AND THE TAXI UNCLE LAST WARNING. "Eh kopitiam no aircon one hor" I can't stand this stereotype that people put on me. "She lives in a big house I don't think she goes to kopitiams" Whut. NO. Sorry to disappoint I'M THE OPPOSITE. Don't tell me to eat all those weird ass high class dishes because gurl I have no idea how to. Bring me to a normal food stall and order laksa or meesiam for me because that's so much more delicious and filling. Argh. But alright I know he's kidding.

I can't stand his sweetness. :'( He asked me what I want and ordered for me. He told me to find a place to sit first and then he asked me what I wanna drink. When I said I can buy myself he insisted I just sit my ass down and he'll get it for me. Of course I feel bad but in my heart I'm just like wth no guy would ever do such things except my dad.

I'm honestly really happy to have met him. I'm the kind of girl that doesn't hide my feelings. I've heard from my friends that they can feel it when I talk about him? I don't know how to respond. I'm honestly abit too shy when they tell me that I'M SERIOUS.

For the past few days we've been talking about serious stuff and it scares me a little... :'( Because what if I lose him? What if this and that. There's so much at risk. My god been sobbing the past few days too... :'( WHY AM I SO WEAK AND VULNERABLE AND FULL OF SHITTY EMOTIONS SHANETTE TAN NEEDS TO GET HER SHIT TOGETHER. 1 bloody month cannot see him. Wtf. Can't even really contact him when I'm at italy PLUS THE BLOODY TIME DIFFERENCE. Why is time so not on our side?

I love this guy, so much. 

I was so angry with my mom today. I am also angry at myself, for making so much trouble. I wish I could be a good liar sometimes but I really can't. I know him myself. I know what kind of a guy is he. I know his first impression is bad. I know he has flaws many people will not accept. But please he's the best man I've ever met IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. I do not need explain to the whole world why I love him. I do not need to share my sweet memories that I have with him with others because those memories belongs to me and only me. Yes I know time proves everything. But at the same time, it doesn't measure our love. I agree it's been not long. There's a reason why I'm trying to take everything slow. Before I do anything I think more than twice. I know what I'm doing. Give him time. Give me time. If i can see the beautiful side of him, I'm sure my parents will be able to. Because mom you know you've been through whatever I'm going through now. I believe she understands. I really hope they will love him as much as I do, because he really deserves it.

I have so many things to apologise for. Maybe I should really start going back to church.

Been thinking about what to get for him for soooo long. I miss him so much it's crazy. I can't bear to think about that 1 month. I really can't. :( Yes it's December the first. December, my fave month of the year... Yet my first day sucked balls.

Maybe the italy trip will make me closer to my family... Or I would drift apart... Idk that's what I felt from the Japan trip earlier this year. Didn't enjoy it. I never ever enjoy my japan trips. I don't know why. I enjoy being in Europe but I really hate the food there. & Doesnt help that when I'm there I'm gonna be so lovesick. Lol worse feeling of my life. Can I stuff him in my luggage?