Woke up this morning and went like what the fuck it's another school day!?!?!? I had a shock of my life. Half of my mind went like "NO WAY IM SURE ITS SATURDAY" and another half was like "SHIT IM FUCKING LATE FOR SCHOOL" What the fuck has school done to me. Also I dreamt that I was pregnant?!?!?!?!?! WHAT THE FAAAAAK. Am i nuts. But really though I honestly wanna be a mama soon. I wish I was at that age where I can be a mama already. I want my own baby!!!!!

But oh yeah. It's Saturday indeed. & I'm not seeing my boyfriend.... Been missing him like crazy nowadays. Sometimes to an extent where I have to pull myself back in case he thinks I'm mad. Or like there are some times when it just doesn't seem like he misses me... I'm always on my phone looking at him blue tick me... I know he's busy but oh wells.... Gotta get used to it.

Fucking hate school. Fucking hate army. Timings are forever clashing. I'm trying so hard to not burn my fucking weekends. I hate projects. I hate group work. I hate presentations. I just fucking hate it. Why can't you just give me fucking stupid 1000 2000 3000 word essays. Ima write it to you and get that shit over and done with. Why do we always have to have fucking project work.

Ah seriously.

I can't get over something and I felt like I needed to write this out and maybe I'll feel better.

So we all know how I've always been annoyed with school. So just now I had another anxiety attack moment while discussing over some project because everyone was supposed to come out with a point and I was the last one left. They were stressing me out as hell and maybe it wasn't even that stressful but I just couldn't take it I wanted to kill myself

So when I was done with that shit the first person I wanted to relief this stress to was obviously my boyfriend. I told him about it, roughly, and the first thing he told me.... Was that I have a lot of fire in me. Well.... K? thanks? Not like I don't know already. I think you probably just added even more fire by saying that. 

I'm just like thinking why the whole world just don't understand sometimes I just need to vent it out and I'll be fine the next moment? Why people like to always make it worse for me? And then they blame me for keeping things to myself. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. When I'm sad or angry and I actually tell anyone, I get stupid remarks from people that was so unnecessary. When I decide to live in solidarity, they ask why am I being like that. What do you want me to be? Always happy? Do you think that's possible when I'm living such a stressful life? Do you think it's possible when sometimes I just need someone to hug all my troubles away and no ones there? I know my boyfriend cannot be there for me 24/7 im not even saying him. I'm just saying in general... Anyone I love. My parents my friends... 

Nah I'm just tired. I just need one week just one week of vacation. Away from this city. Away from people that drives me crazy... Away with someone I love just to enjoy the beautiful world that I haven't seen in so long... 

I fucking hate school

Nobody just fucking understands that I'm gonn get depression soon because of fucking school. Call me a weakling call me a loser. I seriously don't give a fuck anymore. I don't know what people want. I'm sorry for being born scared of everyone. I'm sorry I always have no guts. I just can't do this anymore. 

Melissa quek did her feedback session with me yesterday. And again same as last semester, she told me I have this other personality outside of school and if only I could bring it into school, I would get a lot more out of school and have more fun. Sorry I can't. Call me stubborn call me anything you fucking want. It just drives me crazy. 

In the past if school was horrible at least I had friends to lean on. Now? Nope. Friends I call friends are never there for me. I don't understand why I put them as priority when they don't. I don't understand why they mean so much more than what I mean to them. Always leaving me out of conversations. Always not counting me in anything they do. If I'm upset all they think is oh shanette is just fucking pmsing or throwing another tantrum. To them im just nothing but somone that forever gets angry over nothing. They don't bother asking. Because they don't I just don't too. I just don't give a fuck anymore I just wanna fuck off from here. When I skip school it's a fucking sin. Sorry I'm so weak. Sorry to don't dance and die as much as yall and even after that little dancing that I do im still injured and bruised as fuck. 

Susan was asking all of us just now if anyone has any injuries. Andrea told me to tell her about my back and I told her NOPE I don't dare. Melissa chai told me to just voice out and not don't dare. Easy for yall to say. All of yall just don't understand that I'm not fucking talented. Once I say I have a fucking injury, im out of the fucking piece without any fucking hesitation because that's what Susan yeung wants. Do you think I'm so willing to let that happen? N TO THE O. 

I hate this so much. Maybe im really going crazy. I need someone I can talk to so bad. I just need a robot that won't argue back to me. Maybe I need a psychiatrist. Or a counsellor. My anxiety attacks are getting worse. I fucking cry over the smallest things and get stressed for no fucking reason. Nobody fucking understands..... 

Sometimes I really wish I don't exist and I'm not even kidding. Why am I even fucking here. 

My family don't even feel like a family. I can't even talk to them. I love to be at Mervis house so much more because it's always so full of love and joy... Why can't my family be like that? Such a big house yet lack of so much love.... It makes me sad to see my family become like this. Can't they just be more welcoming.... Argh fuck everything's just not working out at all. 

I need a vacation. 

Just feeling so alone right now. Like there's no one to talk to no one to play with no one to be angry at. It's just this big house with my bed and my phone and me. :'( I just want someone to hug me right now. I just want someone to tell me I'm important and they care.. I just need someone to do that right now because I'm just really fading away. I just want to come home to baby... I just want him to hug all my pain all my troubles away ;'( I'm just so sad right nao I really can't comprehend this feeling.. How am I going to sleep feeling like that??? This is so mentally torturing even crying doesn't help anymore.. And no one will ever understand this feeling I swear.. No one 

I wonder why I give out alot of negative energy.. To everybody around me. It's like sometimes I don't mean for it to happen. Most of the time I'm affected by the people. It's the people around me who sets my mood. I'm not the kind to ask how are you or how you are feeling. This might sound weird or like I'm assuming or something but.... I feel... And I don't ask only because I don't know man. I feel like maybe I shouldn't disturb someone lest I make their moods even worse. Why why why. Me need to stop putting my happiness in other people's hands... (but it's impossible lolz) 

Actually there's only like 4 weeks of classes left. After that it's just all rehearsals for the last act. But why am I still so reluctant to go to school? I feel like I'm accumulating the amount of work im supposed to do again. It's always the last few weeks of the semester where I get so headache because everything's due. What the fuck yo. People be kicking me out of pieces, putting me as second casts.... Do I look like I want to be injured? I can't decide if I should make my injury worse or just recover. My fucking exam is this week. My back is fucked up like crazy. Composition class is of no use to my life!!!!! Can't she just let it go and maybe just give me a pass only because I tried but I just can't....!!? I'm never gonna be a choreographer. Never in my entire lifeeeee!!! 

And I still can't decide which days of the week sucks even more. Sunday? Monday? Tuesday? I hate Sundays. I hate seeing him book in. I hate Monday's because it's only the beginning of the damn long week. I hate Tuesday cuz its still the beginning of the weeeek!! How amazing it'd be if he actually was schooling in my school... I tell you ah my attendance full marks.. WAH then again... Pretty girls so many from other courses. We dancers wear pajamas to school. Unglam like hellz

Yesterday mervis and him were talking about the army scholarship or sth. Wah... Hmmmm I don't know I'm actually afraid of the time to come. I think of how many relationships that actually lasted have been brokened because of a change of environment. He'll meet new people... Of course of the opposite gender. How am I gonna handle that yo. -possessive girlfriend is possessive la sial even though it's still long- Of course I trust him but girls are still not trustable!!! 

I sometimes wish I don't know people's stories. It makes my mind wild. Because it makes me think like "oh maybe it might happen to me in time to come." Then again it's also good to know that there are such people in the world and am glad that he's not one of them anddddd I'm one helluva lucky girl. 

Like really eh... when I look back I can't believe he's still right next to me after half a year. Still loving me.. Still accepting me for who I am... Still always not letting any fights or quarrels spoil our relationship.. I wanna love that man forever. I really do...

When will the day come? When I wake up and I see you next to me? That's bliss man...  When I have a horrible nightmare the night before and I wake up I am able to hug you..? Because starting the day with you is always gonna feel right and it's always gonna make me happy.. Though he's so annoying sometimes but I want him to annoy me for the rest of my lifeeeee!!! hahahaha. I want to watch him eat his food quietly for the rest of my life. He's really the only person I'd go all lengths for to make him happy. Stupid sentence again but his happiness is mine... Like what I said in the first paragraph... I aways put my happiness in others hands.. 

Haha I don't know what's up with this random post. I feel like I have been wanting to write in so long but I can't seem to gather my thoughts properly. Oh well now here it is. Hahah 

I miss him a lot and when I say a lot I mean ALOT ALOT ALOT. I never understand how is it that we talk everyday, meet up everyday during the weekends, sometimes even random weekdays, and I still can't bare to see him leave. Everytime when I know it's almost time to part ways I just can't help but feel this cray sadness. So cray I don't even know how to help myself. I spend so much more time with him than anyone else in my entire life, so much so that I just feel so empty everytime he's not with me. I don't know what to call this. An addiction? An obsession? Shit man I'm obsessed with that man.... 

I don't even wanna think about only seeing him for less than a day next week. How to survive school liddat... Gonna be the longest of the longest weeks ever... Gah I need holidays... He needs holidays too.... Then I can see him everyday. Boohoos. Absence really makes the heart grows fonder. 

I miss you... So much.. 

I wanna hug you forever and kiss you forever and just you know baby... be with you forever... 

This weird feeling of suddenly reminiscing the past. Whut..... One year ago everything was so different. I can't believe one year has passed. Been so long since we actually interacted. Today felt weird when you called my name. It's just weird.... I remember how fun all of us used to be when we stayed back in school just to talk and all. Before all the negativity and shit kicked in... Whut wth why am I even thinking about this what the hell seriously. It's like suddenly the feeling and everything from last year is flowing back into memory. 

The last act is definitely gonna make me cry... All the memories I had since year 1 with all the different people. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 

I feel like such a bad daughter. I really do. I really want to spend time with my parents. Especially my dad. I know exactly how he feels and yet I still am doing nothing about it.... Everyday I see him and yet I still miss him so much. I missed how he used to have happier faces everyday... I feel like he's so sad now and it makes me even sadder... When he's sick I want to ask him so badly if he's okay. I missed how when we go on family overseas trip it was always a happy getaway... Because that's the only time I really get to spend time with them... But ever since last year everything is just so different.. I hate this difference I hate this distance... I also want to openly talk to my parents. I don't really know why I'm blocking them out. I don't really know why I just can't take the first step to talk to them. 

Now that my brother is studying abroad I feel like the distance is even stronger... What should I do... It's like I miss them so much and everytime I try to talk to them they pisses me off. It's just annoying and crazy and saddening and I really have no clue what I can do to make us closer. 

My biggest wish right now is that I can bring my boyfriend out to family dinners and not feel awkward at all. I want them to know that his presence makes me so happy and I want them to be happy for me... I want them to know why I love him so much. I want them to see that he's a guy that's so worthy of loving.. I want them to fully accept him for who he really is. Yet everytime it happens my dad has to give me a dull face.... Or all he ever talks about is army army army just because he's in the army... Can't he be more open? Can't he talk about us more than his army? Why must you keep emphasizing on the fact that he's in the army? This has been bugging me for the longest time ever and I don't think it can be solved in any near time. This feeling really sucks. I think maybe this is one reason why I'm drifting away from them... Time is so short... My weekends are so short.. Why can't we all just sit in one table and have a good family dinner together.. :( Sigh when will the day come when my parents will openly ask me to call him over..? When? 

Really hope one day happiness will be brought back to the house. Because right now this really doesn't feel like home.