2nd week of my holidays and I'm gonna go for a job interview tomorrow. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad. Maybe it's good for the long run but that also means I have less time. 

This is the most unhappening holiday since a long time. Not gonna go overseas because bro's not in town. Not really hanging out with my friends or going anywhere either because yeah they're all working... Boyfriends busy too of course so it's just me myself and I. Starting work is probably a good thing but you know I just feel so lifeless.... It's like I wanna go out so bad but everyone's just so tired and all and it makes me even more tired and lethargic even when I'm not. 

Who will I meet in this job if I get hired? Socializing is really just one thing I will never ever be able to handle well. Aw man. Guess I'm really entering adulthood. I forgot this year I'm no longer a teen. Mehhhhhhhhh 

I feel so insulted right naos... hmmmm is it wrong to dress up? is it wrong for a girl to want to look pretty for herself, and if she's attached, for her guy too? It's like effort unappreciated.. instead of getting a tiny compliment from ur guy, you end up getting dagger eyes like "why are you wearing like this" so sads. Instead of wanting me to look good he wants me to look like an aunty....... :'( I get the whole "I want to be protective" thing but still I wouldn't want to look like an aunty at the age of 20. How insulting!!!!! Its like my prime age to wear nice clothes and look cute. Next time want to wear also don't have the body or the looks anymore. 

It's like no matter how fatty fatty I am I still wanna wear nice pretty clothes and look cute. :( So saddddsssssss will I forever just look like shit or forever get dagger eyes if I attempt to look pretty... I want him to be proud of me not hide me. I don't geddit la.. Maybe just really different thoughts. I mean if I were a guy i'd be proud of my girl if she takes care of her appearance. At least I know she's still trying and not be comfortable just because she's attached. And also I'd want my guy to take care of himself too. No one would wanna date someone who wears flip flops to social events. <- Example. It's just the most minimal expectations of yourself as a person, how you present yourself. Boo to the hoo booboooobooooooo boobs 

This is so lame...... and stupid.... But... Finally someone's giving me some sort of opportunity.... Omg I feel sooooooo frustrated for the past 3 years because even my friends don't give me opportunities when they get it.. They never ever count me in in anything.. Saddens me.. It's like I want to do it so badly but I never ever get the chance to..

I'm pmsing really badly right now :'( I've been so clingy and I miss him everyday so badly especially these past few days.. I can stay up 3-4 hours just thinking about nonsense and he just got angry at me over something so small... Sobs shouldn't have said anything.. sobsobbbbb

Sobbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb I'm alone again at night by myself.. I want to sleep.. maybe I should pop some sleeping pills :'(  Sobsssssssssssss sob sob sob just sob I want a hug right nao 

Stay with me..

Rewatching gossip girl yet again.. I'll never get sick of it. Currently feeling like our relationship is like Dan and Serena's in the earlier seasons... So similar in so many ways. 

I had the worst crying session just now in the longest time ever. Honestly thought I was gonna choke on myself cuz of my stupid throat and my nose and blocked. Hallelujah I'm gonna wake up with swollen eyes... I want this week to hurry be over.. I don't want to be remembered of it. 

I hope it never has to come to that day. I don't like to be walked away from.. I don't like to not be fought for.. I don't like to be left alone like a damsel in distress.. I hope no matter how tough it is please don't let me go.. I just want to love you. I just want you to be happy.. I also want you to be a better person.. Maybe I shouldn't have done it.. But I don't want people to condemn us.. Everyone is just waiting for that one mistake and they'll just tell me "I told you so.." I wish to not care about what they say.. That'll only work if whatever they say aren't true.. I have faith in you. If you don't care about others at least for my sake don't disappoint my faith in you..? I know I suck sometimes... Can't communicate properly. Always end up talking like I'm offending people.. I hope one day you'll understand where I was coming from..  

In a relationship both are equal. Regardless of whether you're a male or a female, whether you come from a good background or bad. All it takes is communication and understanding to make it work. I always try to understand from his point of view. However if I feel like it's wrong on a social level, I think it's just right to voice it out... I just hope one day he knows I'm not saying to shoot him down, nor saying it to despise him.. I really don't mean it that way. 

Of course there are many good things to remember... 

I'll never forget how he waited 3hours with me just to finish up a 15minute mock interview... 

I'll never forget how I cramped so badly and suddenly he had an idea of putting warm towels on my tummy to ease the pain.. 

I'll never forget how he was so busy during the weekends and yet he was willing to squeeze even 2hours just to meet me at night.. 

I'll never forget how I had a horrible day because I did so badly for exams but he just randomly call to chat. It totally made my day... To me it felt like "Oh she's moody heh I'll try to cheer her up" then.  Becuz back then there were no such sentences like "Why are you so moody. Did I call at the right time or the wrong time? Maybe I shouldn't have called you.." over the phone... 

I'll never forget our first staycation at such an expensive hotel. I was definitely shocked as hell but definitely one of the best times of my life. 

I'll never forget how he was wrecking his brains to find a dinner place to go during christmas eve because everywhere was fully booked.. 

I'll never forget how you still wanted to spend even just a few hours before my flight to Thailand.. 

I'll never forget during CNY eve, you sent me back home from school just to see me for that short 10-15minutes in the cab... 

I'll never forget the first time you cooked for me. Even though it was just maggie mee but it was nice to know your loved one is cooking for you.. 

So precious.. Really so precious.. But I don't wish to relive old memories.. I wish to create new memories... 

How do you know when it's over?

When you feel like you're more in love with your memories than with the person standing in front of you.

I don't want it to be over.. I don't want you to leave will you hold my hand.. Oh darling stay with me cuz you're all I need.. 

I'm so tired right now it's insane.. Yet I'm not sleeping.. My head's spinning.. I miss you... 

Rereading last year's posts and I can't believe seriously can't believe I could actually felt my blissfulness just by reading my posts.... Oh my god where have it all gone to...... 

Meh T_T Wah feeling sad for myself sia how things changed so much. Like how????? I had my crazy in love phase... I had my clingy as hell phase.. I had my missyoulikehell phase... And now it's just the full of misunderstandings phase which I hope it'll pass soon. Ah damn... Will the next few months of the year be better? Can it be better? Maybe I need a new lifestyle. Maybe I need retail therapy. I really don't know la sial.... Someone save me sia

Tmr's recital rehearsals officially start.... Please may the choreographies be nice and hopefully I can pull it off and hopefully he chooses me for toxic. praysssss me want to dance to toxic!!!!!! 

This has already been the 4th draft of this week. Yup I have been blogging. But all of them are unfinished posts that I just decide to not post it at all... Hopefully this one gets out and not end up in the drafts too..

It's currently Friday.. Well it's alr 1 so yeah. My first week of no-school has just begun. And it kinda got me thinking a lot. I have started returning to classes cuz of recital. But other than that I'm just free as hell and I just am considering studying again.... Now all that's stopping me is whether I'll be committed and whether it's worth that whole load of money... I just don't know.. Hopefully I'll get the answer soon. I just had too much time to think of shit. And that leads me to my relationship.

In the beginning of this week (my first draft) I wanted to say may hasn't been that bad of a month... But when I thought through thoroughly, nope... Not really. Even since that incident all I've ever been is either scared or just emotionless. I don't know if I'm protecting myself or protecting the relationship. Maybe both. I feel like we've caused too much harm in such a short period of time and it just scares me day after day. 

We're still having lots of misunderstandings.. Though I guess the silent treatment is shorter now but it just scares me... Sometimes I feel like I just cannot show a certain emotion. I feel very cooped up like I cannot be myself. What if I anger him? What if I make him annoyed? What if he gets paranoid? I'm just constantly thinking all the what ifs. Constantly trying to make sure I don't do or say the wrong thing or show the wrong emotion in case I just unknowingly start a fight.. I feel very emotionally drained.. 

Everytime we fight I can never soften up.. You wanna know why? Because I'm already highly affected that I'm the one that caused this. I'm just hating on myself and all that's running through my mind is what have I done wrong again. Why is it happening again. Why are we fighting again. Why are we like this again... Because in a serious situation I can never be cute.. How even 

Why do I always end up shouting? Because before even talking everything's just accumulating inside... All the hell thoughts that I'm going through when we're not talking. I cannot do this.... I hate quarrels. I hate it so much. 

I'm just overall quite a sad person right now. Like I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I miss going out on planned dates.. I miss surprises.. I miss people going out of the way to do things just to make me happy cuz I just mean something to them.. I miss exploring and cafe hopping.. I always had this dream list of things I'd do when I get a boyfriend. Somehow those things never seem to have been happening. And the one thing I hate the most is when I have to ask someone to do something for me... Cuz if I do then it's no longer meaningful... I don't want it that way... I want things that are thought thoroughly by a person.. I don't know how some couples, they are willing to do things they hate just because the other half loves it. I don't want. I'll feel so burdened... Maybe because that's how my parents always made me feel. They never ever liked what I like to do... Everytime since young when I wanted to go somewhere it always seemed like I was dragging them around.. I hated that feeling. So so so much.. 

Mehhhhhhhh whai am I just feeling so mehhhhhh... I miss my Liqian Amanda and Yvonne so much..... Becuz they are the people that really knows me better than I know myself sometimes.. How is it even possible sometimes i don't even know!!! They always think the same things as me always do the same things as me... I'll never forget my 18th birthday... Never... Thank you so much even until now I just have to say thank you because no one has ever given me such love. That day when I met them after my show I just wished I could school with them all over again.... All I miss is going to school and the first thing I see are them... Hais. Gone were those days... 

I hope one day he'll trust me entirely.. I hope one day he'll know me better and know that I'll never do the things he's afraid I'll do. Time will prove it all.. I'll just pray for lesser misunderstandings.. Quarrels.. Fights.. and whatever other nonsense. 

I need some happy memories to cover these unhappy moments... Please lord I just pray for them 

The end of the torturing week

This week has finally come to an end. My assessments are all done and over.

I've never felt so emotionally drained in the longest time ever. I can't believe I've cried for 5 days. In this week alone I've fought with baby 4 times... On Friday we fought twice. I can't believe why my eyes so much tears. But really friday was like the ultimatum already. I've already reached like my breaking point. If I break any further I really just don't know what would happen to us. Thinking back now it was just so bloody stupid.

Ever since last year october I've always been sad about him booking in. Like it's my own stupid shit to deal with. So that day I was telling him how I couldn't accompany him on Saturday because of school commitment but I told him Sunday I have the whole day for him because I finally have no rehearsals on Sunday. Then he suddenly told me he had to book in early. Of course my face changed... I lived the whole week just looking forward to spending my finally-free-sunday with him. & then he just never told me and only told me when I said that. Then he got mad at me because even after so long I'm still always getting sad about him booking in. He thought I thought he never tried to ask whether he could book in later. It wasn't even about that? It was just me being sad because I was just thinking how I totally have no time at all next week to spend with him and how our schedules are forever clashing like nobody's business. Whenever he's free, I'm busy as hell and whenever I'm free, he's busy as hell.

But he was getting really frustrated because I was so moodless. Then he said this, "If you're so sian then we might as well not meet up." Ouch. I don't know why everytime he has to say something like that. Sometimes when he calls me and maybe I'm not in the right mood to talk, he'll be like "call you also still sian. should've just text you" It's like hurtful shit like this that pricks my heart so much but maybe he doesn't know. Like yeah maybe I'm not in the mood maybe I just didn't have a good day but to me his presence or maybe just hearing his voice is already comforting for me. It might not show entirely because how can you expect me to be super happy or hyper if i actually had a terrible day right?

So yeah because of this we just fought again. He just lost his patience towards me again. At that point of time all that ran through my head was, why do we fight so much lately... If it was the past, he wouldn't have done this to me. I've flashback through all our old dates and times spent together... I asked myself if I've changed.. I didn't... All I did that probably changed is that my love for him just keeps getting stronger. And it scares me a lot because the more I love the more hurt i get in return. I asked if I did something wrong that made him so easily frustrated towards me.. It was so painful for me. Because it sucked that the present was so bad that I just wanted to relive the past...

Before we even got together I told him how I was like. I told him he was in for deep shit because I'm just a shit emotional person. & that was the main reason why I always pushed him away.. He told me he could accept it. & then now he got angry with me about it.  It was just sad that whatever I've predicted in the past is just slowly coming true and it just sucks to feel like the future might get worse.

After awhile things got better and an hour later another fight broke out.

So a random acquaintance texted me that night. He saw it and he asked who he was. I said it was just someone I was not close to. I wasn't intending to reply because I don't like entertaining people I don't know. But his fire was already starting. He was already getting jealous and being suspicious of me. He told me to reply him that I was with my boyfriend. So I did. That acquaintance said that he wouldn't bother me then. So baby got even angrier. Basically he just got angrier and angrier as the minutes past.

He was so extreme I couldn't even believe what was happening right there and then. I really couldn't believe it. I'm not gonna go into details to what happened but lots of shouting happened. I really didn't know who he was talking to. I just felt like I was looking and talking to a whole new person.. "How could he do this to me" was all I could think of. He was so scary, so rude and all that he said was just so mother fucking hurtful.

It took us 3 over hours to settle this. But I just couldn't get over it. Even up till the next day I was just in this melancholic state and I just wanted to curl up in bed and die.

Even up till now I still couldn't understand how I could've avoided that situation. It was so...... uncalled for. How can I stop someone from liking me? How can I stop a guy from texting me? What can I do? I can't.... All I can do is block, or ignore. It sucked so much because I loved him so much but he was just killing me with his words and all that he was doing. I just had nothing else to say. Of course I'd let it go. Of course I'd forgive... But how can I ever forget...

Anything that has happened in the past, I'll always be afraid of it happening again... What more this situation is a situation I cannot even control. How would I know when he'd flare up again... He kept asking me to put myself in his position. But the main point is I AM WITH MY BOYFRIEND. I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND. AND NO OTHER GUYS CAN EVER TOP THAT. But somehow he just doesn't geddit at all..

Saturday afternoon when we met up it was just silent. I just had nothing to say. I was just still very scarred from the incident the night before. I guess after awhile things got better even though we both clearly knew we couldn't get over the incident. After saying things out and sorting out stuff we were back to normal.. & when we met up again after my rehearsal, he became so so loving again... I didn't know how to react to it somehow. It felt so nice to be treasured so deeply all over again. I honestly haven't felt like this in so long... All that has been happening were fights fights fights and more fights... I don't know I guess the incident was maybe a blessing in disguise.. It felt so nice to be held back because he doesn't want me to leave.. For once it wasn't me being an emotional crazy bitch. I really didn't want the day to end... I don't know how long this will last... But it's just so precious to me. He called me babygirl.... Oh my god I'll never forget it. So sweet really

We took photos today and I just seriously looked so haggard I wanted to go crazy. I need to stop crying. Too much I look so old :'( 

Happy 5 months baby. I know we say it everyday to each other but, I really love you so much. I want you to know that to me you're perfection. You have flaws yes, but that's what makes you a perfect Dylan ong yao hui. Don't doubt yourself. Don't doubt my love for you. Don't think others is always better because I don't give 2 shits about others except you. 

I pray for a happy May.. That's all I want.. Please..