Unluckiest week of my life

Wanna know why this week's the unluckiest week of my life?! So I injured my right shoulder during contemp on Tuesday. I am guessing it's old injury because I've injured it before during On The Edge rehearsals and I didn't went to check because Coach Ling was not in school. Wednesday was my contemp exam and I had to dance with that injured shoulder of mine. It was a horton workshop/assessment. Horton technique is very straight and used alot of the back and arms and alot of plies and shit. I re-injured my knee but it wasn't as serious as my shoulder. I was crying in pain internally I swear sobs. Went to see coach ling after my exam and he told me 2 of my cervical moved, so my ribcage moved too, and it was poking my idk what bone (sorry i suck at anatomy) and that was why my shoulders were hurting. He asked me why I didn't treat it the first time. Gah how the heck would I know that it's serious or not. I mean it went away went adrenaline hit me. Lol....

Jazz exam was today. I wanted to save my energy for jazz and make sure I don't injure my shoulder even more. So I told Peishan, my contempt teacher, I couldn't do class because my shoulders and knee were hurting. She ended up lecturing me about how I'm still physically fit and still am able to move. Fuck if I wasn't hurting I wouldn't even ask you if I could sit out of the class PLEASE. No matter how unmotivated I am I'll still do the class k. The fact that I actually came to school shows that I really wanna do class what. It's just that I really don't wanna over-exert my shoulder right -.- After scolding me she end up spending 3/4 of the class giving us feedback for our contemp assessment. Then there were 2 girls who was sick and injured. She compared me to the 2 girls. Fuck just because my pain tolerance is high and just because I don't over-drama doesn't mean I don't hurt as much as them. Bloody hell sia really. Do i really need to drama to survive in this world?!?!?!?! What the fucking fuck. So pissed.

My menses came today. I had menses cramp during anatomy, which was the lesson just before jazz. I thought it was some stomach issue so I tried to shit but nothing came out -.- Lol I'm a girl who doesn't know how to differentiate the different kinds of tummyache. Halfway through the exam, I fractured my left foot. I was practicing the choreography outside while waiting for my turn to be assessed. When i did a side leap jump (search it if you dk what i'm talking about), I landed on a sickle foot by accident and there was a super duper loud crack. I myself got a huge shock. But I didn't thought it'd be anything serious because the pain was only slowly building up. I tried doing the choreo but I really couldn't... Felt so hopeless at that point of time. I didn't wanna over react. I didn't know how pain was pain because my pain tolerance is quite high. So i just kept mum about it. Pris gave me the face like it was something very serious and everyone around me was just like "what happen what happen does it hurt". Idk what to answer. Of course it hurt. It was slowly swelling up (now it looks like a pig foot i'm not even kidding) and the more I rested the more painful it got. I didn't thought much about the cracking sound until Cher gave me the shock face when Pris said she heard that super loud crack sound. Cher fractured her foot before and I was so scared when they suspected I injured the same thing as her. I DONT WANNA REST FOR 6 MONTHS I WILL DIE. Sobs.....

Cher helped me tell coach ling about my feet and I was so touched when Coach Ling was worried about me :'( Sobs he really feels like a second father to me omg sobs T_T He gave Cher a sinseh's address, which is his friend and told me to go there immediately. I was hopping around like a heavy-ass rabbit and then I got a roller chair. Melissa and Cher and Amelia were like helping me out throughout everything.

When I reached the sinseh, I was so scared because I knew he was going to press it and all AND HE OBVIOUSLY DID. SOBS T_T!!!!!!! So pain like shit omg. Actually I think all he did was compress the injury but it hurt so bad I couldn't take it. He just wrapped my feet with the big medicated plaster and told me to go see xray and then bring it back to him tomorrow. I really hope it's nothing big. I REALLY PRAY.. NEXT WEEK IS FREAKING BALLET EXAM.

I'm so thankful to have classmates like Melissa Amelia and Cher who are so experienced in these kind of injuries... Without them I think I would've just ignored it (really lol).

Sigh I'm not jinxed right....? :'(

Ok enough of the unlucky shit. Now the happy stuff.

I finally got to spend time with Shafiq and Rif and Shawn on Tuesday!!! It really made my night really. Shawn was actually sleeping/resting. So it was actually only Shafiq and Rif. We were actually bonding and all... Out of the blue Shafiq decided to talk about me. This boy ah forever suddenly switch topic to me. I still remember there was this time.. He was telling me how sad he was blah blah blah and I was listening and trying to think of ways to make him feel better. Then all of a sudden he switched his subject to me and my low self esteem and negativity and all that sad shit. LOL... I was just like whaaaaat. Ok so yeah. He made alot of sense that day. Even though I look like I'm not listening to you or like not responding the way you want me to, I really am listening Shafiq!!! & I really am happy with how comfortable I am with you now. I don't hang out with you everyday but I feel this sense of comfort when I see you :) Like I see my brother or something you know.

I kinda felt like the conversation about me was going on a little bit too long. Like even though Rif was listening, he had nothing to say and idk what he was feeling and all. I personally don't like it when we're in a group of 3 and then 2 are talking, leaving 1 with nothing to say. So I didn't know if he was feeling left out anot so I tried to change topic.. Lol. But really thanks Shafiq. I really am grateful. I really don't know how to show my gratitude but just know I really feel your sincerity. (LOL NOT WRITING THIS BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS. I MEAN IT.) Happy to know that both of them are willing to lend a listening ear if I ever needed one.

Becky came at like 9plus and we went to Mcdonalds for dinner/supper. Haha. Went home after that and I really felt like WHEEEE. Been too long since we last hung out.

Alright now I'm just gonna rot at home sobs sobs. Feeling the pain right now boohoo

Finally went to hip hop class after such a freaking long time. I've lost it. I lost my basics. I totally blanked out when I was asked to dance the whole thing full out at the end of class. I was disappointed in myself yet I still felt like I had fun. Sigh.... 

This is the thing. I know being versatile is a good thing. But I've asked my mother this question before, "if you could choose between being very good at one thing, or be average in everything, which would you choose?" Mama told me, "I have already reached my goal of being very good at one thing, so now I wanna be versatile." 

I don't wanna be versatile because I feel like if I can't even do ONE THING well, being versatile is not even gonna save me. At least if I have one thing that I'm good at, and if all else fails, I still have that one thing to fall back on. 

During the 1 month where I constantly went for classes, I really felt like I was getting somewhere. Not yet there of course but at least I felt good about myself. I felt like I knew alittle bit more than people who didn't take classes. And then school started. Making me demoralized every single day. Injecting stress into my brains and body.

I felt like not only did I disappoint myself I disappointed Kayte too. Sigh this sucks man. What do I want in life? I really don't know. All I know now is that I really wanna be good at one thing. It's ok if I don't have the talent. I just really wanna get my basics right. 

Spent my whole day watching dramas. Lol why am I always watching people fall in love. Watching the main character behave like how I did for the whole day, waiting for people to reply me. I really wanna live in a drama. No I don't want it to happen to me real life because shit is just gonna be 10 times worse but.... Lol only in dramas you see a poor girl have so much attention. Only in dramas you see fate happen. YIKES dreaming already. Can't blame me it's 2 in the morning and I don't wanna sleep because I'm afraid whatever that was ongoing today, might not carry on tomorrow anymore. 

So much to say yet I don't wanna feel like a burden. So much I wanna know about you yet I don't wanna feel like a creeper. It's so hard to read you. I just don't know now I'm so tired. 

Tomorrow's Sunday again. Argh worse days of the week: Sundays and Thursdays. Sundays because it's the end of the weekend. Thursdays because that's the day where I feel the most worn out after a week of craziness yet Thursday's schedule is the most tiring. 

I need an anti-depressant. Not because I'm depressed but an anti-depressant actually stops me from craving for food. It doesn't make me feel hungry at all. And I love that feeling of not feeling hungry and being able to reject food. Gah ok goodnight guys I think I should end my post here or else I'll just blabber more nonsense. Heh heh heh

R a n t

MOTHER FUCKING TIRED OF SCHOOL.

1 more fucking month I don't know if I can survive this. So many presentations due so many essays due. All my dance exams are all coming. Fuck this shit one more month. I NEED TO GET THROUGH THIS.

Everyday is just mentally and physically draining. How can I take it!??!??!?! Poly students complain what alot of homework alot of presentations alot of essays? Excuse me we have the same work load as you EXCEPT WE DRAIN OURSELVES PHYSICALLY TOO BY MADASS TEACHERS. Teachers that make us do intense body conditioning when we're supposed to enjoy Jazz class. Teachers that make us do one contemp exercise for at least 45minutes. Then teachers who also complain why we have no drive in every lesson. Don't they feel like they are pushing us a little bit too much!?!?!??! Oh god damn it.

& We have to deal with teachers who constantly give us extremely self hurting remarks. God damn it GOD DAMN YOU. Albert's class is the one of the classes where I put in my 200%. Even if my legs break I'll still give my all. Yes I got insulted like mad today, by him. I don't know whether to say, at least he scolded me. It shows that he didn't give up on me. OR he just hates fat people in general so he just hates me. At first I was just taking it in. Like yeah I feel bad that I made a mistake okay yeah I geddit. But I don't know. Maybe because I didn't show any reaction, he continued insulting me. He said only in LASALLE, dancers keep putting on weight even after dancing for so long. He said how I'm so fat like a pig and I still dared to dance. He even cursed me that I will never ever succeed even after I graduated. He didn't bet his life but it was almost close to that. He said "I guarantee you, you'll definitely not get anywhere even after you graduate." I'M IN A SCHOOL FOR A REASON? IF I WAS THAT GOOD WOULD I NEED TO COME TO SCHOOL? IT'S NOT LIKE I'M NOT TRYING I TRY SO HARD. I don't need to get into his good books I JUST DON'T WANNA GET INTO HIS BAD BOOKS.

You know what? I know I shouldn't be thinking so much on what he tells me because afterall, it doesn't matter. Because once he's out of the class, he practically forgets what he tells me. (At least that's what I think) But still he's a very honest teacher. He tells you straight in your god damn face. I know it's true. That's the ugly reality. I just want to prove him wrong like the first step to that is getting his god damn exercises right. As for my size, god damn it suay like mad. I know i've been putting on weight because I've been snacking alot due to stress. Plus I've been very bloated these few days so I had this little belly going on. & HE JUST HAD TO PICK ON MY STOMACH. So many places he could say like my thigh or my arms. WHY MY STOMACH. I mean that's the smallest part of my body. If he says my thighs I understand BECAUSE YEAH I HAVE FUCKING THUNDER THIGHS. FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE I AM GOING ON A DIET. Yes fuck it I don't even care if it's unhealthy ANYMORE. I make sure by Monday my stomach is flat like hell. By Tuesday it's gonna be so flat he can't even say anything.

So fucking irritated with my life right now. I'm just like argh need some me-time so bad. No one to talk to. No one to confide in. No one to tell me how I can get rid of this stress that I always bring to the people around me. All i fucking know how to do is cry. Fuck you sia Shan. However I did felt a sense of comfort from my mommy just now when she came to fetch me from school. Sigh

Dramaturgy is so brain damaging like what the shit my brain can't function anymore for christ's sake. Just now we had to present our "choreography" and our team was focusing on Time and Regret. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK OF WHAT I REGRET IN LIFE WHEN ALL I COULD THINK OF WAS ALBERT'S HARSH WORDS ON ME?! I swear I tried so fucking hard to not cry. Tried so fucking hard to snap out of it. To think of something else other than his words. It's so hard I just can't.

I really don't know right now I can't think straight I just don't wanna think of school right now. Argh fuck school.

PS dont judge me for my grammer or my english because right now I'm just typing and typing and I don't even care if it looks bad BECAUSE I DON'T CAREEEEEE.

Alright it's almost 2 in the morning and I don't seem to be very tired so I decided to blog.

Really extremely tired of school already. Now I know... 2 and a half months of school is the maximum that I can go without any injury. Right now my shin is killing me softly lol. I can't even wake up every morning. Sigh usually I'd wake up at like 7.20 to bathe and prepare and leave house at 7.55. Now I wake up at 7.30/7.40 and leave house at the same time. I rather look like shit and have like extra 5/10minutes to sleep. So tiring, school is tiring. I have so many work piled up waiting for me and all I do is procrastinate fuck my life.

Went to catch the awakenings today. I was late. Gosh missed the one and only piece that I was actually looking forward to. After the show, we went to eat Din Tai Fung. Then we headed back to Esplanade's concourse to slack and talk. Whatever we talk about ah, we'll always come back to talking about boys. So Luv was saying how it'd be so shocking if Jingwen or I were to ever have a boyfriend. And then we started talking about what kind of guys we were into. Andrea said I like the smart and charming ones. Yeah I do but..... I think that's only to eyecandy or to look from afar. Because they are so charming and smart, I'd probably just die of awkwardness to even talk to them gosh. From what I know of myself right now, I think if I ever have feelings for someone, everything else doesn't seem to matter anymore, even height. If you know me well you should know how bloody particular I am with height. I like it when I can be comfortable with the person I like. 

Then they all started talking about the kind of people they dated before. FUCK MY LIFE I'VE NEVER DATED IN MY LIFE. Why's my mom not worried for me?! I'm 18 and I haven't gone out on a date before and her daughter is just simply not attractive/charismatic enough T_T Argh this topic drives me nuts why can't guys I like, like me back!!!!! Why can't people I wanna talk to, TALK TO ME!!! WHY!!!!!! I always look at myself in the mirror and go like "AM I THAT BAD" lol I'm gonna stay single for life man sigh. I try to stay cool over this matter but it's driving me crazy can't stay cool no more. 

Alright I'm not sleepy but I think I should use more of my time to ask god for his forgiveness. Maybe I've sinned too much lol. ByeBye 

'everyone hears, but no one listens.'

Sigh dislike Bharata Natyam so much. It's not that I dislike the culture. I just dislike this teacher. She gave me a very bad impression of this art form. I can't even be bothered to try to get the teacher's attention because she already has her eyes on those few people. Like I know I can't really get the dance well. It's so painful in the shin especially when my shin is already injured. So i understand if she puts me at the back or something. But simple things like poses, she also totally disregard the people who can't really do the dance well. Like what the hell? Stupid shit. We have a performance next Monday and let me tell you we aren't even prepared. I don't feel like she's teaching us much. Makes me mad. I can't believe she came to our diploma show, telling some people that her reason for coming was to scout people to her company. & she would scout NONE because most of us aren't versatile. Bij please probably 3/4 of us wouldn't even wanna go to your company even if you've chosen us. Plus your company only focuses on one freaking genre. How the heck is that versatile damnit. If i have to write a review on this freaking bharata natyam it's definitely gonna be so negative that it reflects badly on this teacher. I'm just gonna get it done and over with.

I can't wait for the holidays to come. Just 1 more month plus I need to persevere. Wanna get out of this country so bad. It's so short la my holidays... Sigh 2 weeks to get out of singapore... Then its christmas week. & I have one week to go shopping until I cry. Then it's New year's and a new year begins. Time flies like mad fast.

Meh & i'm so scared as the years pass I'm gonna stay single and watch all my friends get attached. Sigh nooooo i really don't want. Why doesn't anyone have any slightest interest in me? No one wants to date me no one even bothers to try and know me. I am so da sad. Then there are those who says I'm picky and shit. GURL how can i be picky WHEN THERE'S NO ONE IN LINE. Are you freaking kidding me. & then there are those friends who can't stop asking about me and boys and shit. DUDE I'VE GOT NO STORIES TO TELL. Aint no guy in my life that's like 'AH HE'S MY ROMEO.' NONE. Oh well maybe there was BUT I aint his Juliet lol. Feeling so pathetic. I always feel like I'm one of those girls where god didn't plan an other half for me. Really man. For 18 years I never had a REAL relationship before. Real meaning I actually know my feelings for sure and I am old enough to know what is going on YA KNOW

& then here comes the topic of me always being the clingy friend. I hate the feeling of clinging to people. I hate the feeling of always texting someone first. I hate the feeling of asking people out (not like dating la, normal friends outing or whatnot). Hate hate hate hate HATE! FOR ONCE can someone cling onto me? For once can someone text me first? For freaking ONCE can someone ask me out?! I wanna party and have fun also cannot because no one ever puts me in their list of people they wanna hang out with. Argh.

Going all out with my feelings on my posts nowadays because no one ever listens to my pathetic stories anymore. So oh well I shall just rant it off and I'll be fine. Gah

Alright guys it's been awhile... A little toooooo long since I last blogged. Oh well. I've been reaching home rather late these past few weeks and also, we just finished our first ever diploma show in LASALLE School of Dance history so yeah.

I've been feeling lots of rather positive vibes from my friends and basically everything around me for the past few weeks. Like I haven't been negative in like the longest time EVER. & When I do feel like someone's being negative and shit, it kinda affects me alot and I could actually block their negativity out of my world. For me it's a really huge thing because negativity has been part of me since like forever. But I'm so sorry to disappoint you guys. You thought I've changed for the better but I have bad news.

I've been trying to block out these horrible feelings since last week but it just doesn't really go away and I don't know what to do. It all started when we had our Diploma show rehearsals. I realised Miss Melissa has stopped noticing me unless I make a very huge mistake. To me I feel like it's not a good sign that she's not giving me notes for me to work on. It just means that I did not catch her attention at all while I was performing. Whatever it was I felt like maybe I'm just thinking too much so I just let it go.

We had in total 5 shows including dress runs. I actually fell sick on Friday. & Saturday. It was horrible. But i was just like MIND OVER BODY MIND OVER BODY. I kept praying that the fever will go away and it did. Not like entirely but at least strong enough to get out of bed and perform~ Shafiq Afiq Rif Shawn most of the performance kids that I'm close with came on the first dress rehearsal. They gave me extremely good compliments and stuff and I was just overwhelmed by their kindness. The thing is........ Are they all true...? Like why do I only hear compliments from them? It's always them.... No one else tells me whatever they tell me. Others probably don't even see me. Out of all the shows, I did not catch anyone's attention at all. It made me feel so fucking horrible. The worst part was the positions that I was placed at were all rather frontal. This shows how bloody fshejklfscinrucfljodsfisnjdfkn i am. I catch no one's attention. AM I THAT BAD. My parents didn't comment about me at all. I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel about that. & i'm not the kind to ask for comments. Like if you catch my attention I'll definitely say something about you. & if you didn't, obviously there's nothing to say. So of course I assume I wasn't up to their standard for them to at least give me some encouraging words. Sigh. . . .

Coach Ling gave comments today. I felt like his comments were actually valid. But still it just deepened the 'wound' that was already opened. When will I ever shine? I think I'll cry if a stranger ever comes up to me and tell me I did a good job.

Making me think alot about my future man. I've been thinking ALOT. I really feel like there's not enough time for me to think about my future. I definitely need an alternative path.

Didn't felt good during ballet class just now because my shin was hurting so bloody badly that I could feel it when I releve. I kinda know that I've hurt my shin pretty badly but I was just trying to psycho myself to think that it's not that bad, hoping that the pain will go away. Until now it's still hurting. What's worst is that I've aggravated my knee injury. Stupid shit. I was acting all heroic and shit during Viewpoints. I attempted to copy one of Joey's movement which was on the floor. She was just dragging her knee on the floor. I copied her and after doing that I couldn't stand up properly. I really thought I recovered. But after awhile the pain kinda gone away until we started doing bharata natyam. HORRIBLE IT'S SO BAD FOR THE KNEES I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE DOING BHARATA NATYAM OMG. WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS IT'S ANNOYING ME. (sigh i'm sorry guys bear with me it's not my day really monday blues)

Maybe it's just today. You know maybe today's just the day where everything seems out of place. I pray for a better day tomorrow. Goodnight guys. Tomorrow will definitely be a better day.