Hello

Definitely ended my June well. Went for 2NE1 concert last night and it was amazing. I felt like this concert was so much more memorable than the first.... Because CL noticed me!!!!!?! LOL How rare is it that your bias notices you in a freaking concert? 0.5/100 ok. How rare is it that your bias notices you TWICE?!?! 0.05/100 OK. 

The first time was during "Come Back Home" unplugged ver when they were sitting infront. So I was already on the verge of crying because of the sad songs they were singing. First it was Missing you, followed by If I were you and then Come back home. I was holding already crying during the second song omg I dk why!!!! Their voices were so amazing so much feels I cannot.. :'( Then CL stared at me for like 2 seconds while DARA was singing her part for Come Back Home. It was 2 freaking seconds ok it wasn't even a glance. She freaking eye contacted me. I am not a crazy fan because I swear I had time to even wipe my tears away and still I see her staring at me. Oh my god.......

The second time was during encore. When she came forward she saw me... AGAIN. So I quickly took my phone to video her cuz she was so near me and also took photos of her. GUESS WHAT??!!!? I went to look at the photo I took and.... SHE WAS LOOKING AT MY FREAKING CAMERA OK FOR 2 PHOTOS. Both photos taken at different timings. Amazing... 

One awkward moment happened with me and one of the YG dancers. So it was during Go away. 2NE1 was at the bigger stage. So the dancers kinda came forward first before them. The dancer that was at my side ran to the front and was dancing. He spotted me and suddenly stopped dancing. He gave me a shocked face as if he knew me for like 2-3 seconds oh my freaking god. That 2-3 seconds felt like forever. SO AWKWARD I even had the time to think "HUH he's looking at me?! SHIT HES STILL LOOKING?! OMG THIS IS AWKWARD" So I looked at Bom cuz she ran forward aft that. 

THIS IS SO UNFORGETTABLE OK. THIS IS LIKE MY MOST HAPPENING CONCERT EVER.... Nothing happened during my first 2NE1 concert and nothing really happened during my SHINee Concerts. Oh wells :') I'm so happy... I can't wait for EXO'S concert!!!!?!?!! Even though I know it's gonna be so damn expensive but.... KAI YOURE WORTH IT. CHANYEOL AND XIUMIN TOO MUACKS 

So today I went to watch this kpop conver at Sq2 with Liqian today. Andrea was in the competition too. Saw Kevin JESUS CHRIST ITS BEEN 2 YEARS. Saw Cosmas too. They were all performing. Well overall it was a good competition. One of the groups did all 2NE1 songs and I'm proud to be a blackjack then. :) Amazing cover. But of course there were like 3-4 groups that really made me wanna hide my face for them. How did they even find the courage to step on that stage?! OH MY. Such a pain in the eye to see that they're not using their core to dance, not even trying to make their movements sharp... IT WAS AS IF THEY WERE MARKING. Horrible. 

Headed to Wheeler's Yard after that. Didn't planned it. HAHA been wanting to go there since forever and Liqian brought me there. AMAZING PLACE TO CHILL. Such a big space with amazing music. We stayed there for almost 5 hours okay. We sat outside AND inside. Hahahah talked about the most random things on life and seriously laughed till my jaw hurt. So funny 

So that's the end of my happening June!!! Yay I am actually quite scared of July. July has never been a good month for me in forever... Like I kinda have plans for July and yet at the same time.... Dk how it'll all turn out. Oh wells not keeping my hopes up. 

I don't understand my life, guys. Save me

So I spent like 6 hours stoning and thinking about life. YET AGAIN. You know if you ask me, I really don't regret anything that I've done in the past. I mean anything that I've done before, is what brought me to where I am now. The only thing that I regret, is probably not doing things I wish I could do because my parents don't allow me to. As of now living the yolo style is all I want. I'm fucking 19. I wanna experience everything a 19 year old should experience. It's like my last year of being a teenager. 

I can't decide on whether I'm fucked up or whether I'm too innocent to be fucked up. I'm so confused I really don't understand myself. All my life I literally have the weirdest range of friends, people from all walks of life. I have been with the most beng and most lian people that I've known, and I've been with the most innocent and studious people that made me study. Of course there are in betweens but yeah. Everytime I think about the things I've done before, I'm just like so embarrassed to let anyone know what kind of a person I really am.. Times when I wished I was innocent as fuck. But at the same time, I don't think I'm the only one who's fucked up. I honestly think I can pull off as being an innocent girl. But deep inside it just sucks to know that I'm lying to myself. Omg I can't even explain how this feels. 

Many of you say how careful I am with who I mix with and who I want to let in. DUH because I know what kind of people there are out there. I know everyone is harmful to a certain extent because I myself ain't no angel. Sigh. I guess this is really just a way of life. I want people to accept me for who I am yet at the same time I'm too afraid to show people who I really am. Is this a sign of being a coward? Of course it is. I will forever be a coward. I'm forever scared of what others think of me. FOREVERRRR. 

I honestly can't wait to be done with LASALLE. I need a new life. Away from that school. I also can't decide if LASALLE has made me a better or worse person. Well one thing I know for sure is that it has made me treasure my old friends and it has made me realised how much my old friends mean to me. Because I can never find gems like them anywhere else. Sometimes I really can't figure out if I've taken the wrong path. Come to think of it I really cannot secure myself any job with this diploma. I mean yeah I've known that before even taking this course but..... I am just thinking.... Looking at my friends all having internships and facing the real world. What the fuck am I doing sia wasting my parents money. SO MUCH MONEY. Yeah they can afford it but so what?! So what man really. The guilt eats me everyday ok.

I still have a lil less than a month of holiday left. I know very well I'm gonna cry again every night when school starts. I'm going to stress like hell I'm going to go to hell. 1 month is really too short to do anything. There're so many things I wanna do you know. Really omg. 

And career or love? I know it's damn unrealistic to choose love over career but heck I will choose love over career anytime.... I don't know why I guess I really think happiness is my main priority in life. To me my drive in life is always based on others. I hate to say this but I always put my happiness in other people's hands. Sucks because once they're gone, my happiness is gone too. I get attached to people so easily. It's not like I'm a very dependent person la serious I think I can survive on my own. It's just that I'm super unhappy and I hate it la? I really just want to be happy with the person I truly love in the future. Because I know if I love that person, I'd go all lengths for him.... Because nothing else matters... 

I really have no end to this post because I can really go on forever even if there's no link in the paragraphs written. All these are like my scattered thoughts that I can never ever put them together. I live in this fantasy cum realistic world you know. I'm such a hopeless romantic but reality hits me. No such thing.... I want to say that only the heart matters but reality hits me.

Don't know what to say about myself. I'm a confused child who seriously just wants to yolo but is afraid of what everyone will think of me. And in the back of my mind I can already name the few people that I'm scared of. 

This quote that I saw on tumblr. "We don't trust people because of two reasons. 1. because we don't know them. 2. because we know them." So bloody freaking true. 

I'm going to probably regret posting this up because these are my nonsensical thoughts but.... well I would love to look back at it after afew years and love at my stupidity. So yeah note to older shanette: IT WAS A PHASE DONT JUDGE YOURSELF 

Ending my June awesomely

Okay hello. So I was blogging halfway on Tues but I was too distracted by Whatsapp gosh. At first I was thinking about my life and future and shit like that. So I was blogging about that. & this person just had to talk about height issues. Whatever la I'm forever tall okay no matter how much I hate my height I'm still gonna be tall.

Had an amazing Wednesday night!!! Went to Liqian's house to put down my fat bag first. Ordered mcd for dinner. Hahahah her sis and her were so entertaining man. Left the house at about 10ish. Went to find Chris at fclub. Drank and mingled. I still don't understand why Chris always talk to me Woah Rohi came and talk to me first siallllll. HAHAHA ok shit he's married YA GUYS I know.

So happening last night. SO HAPPENING. (come to think of it all my party nights are happening.....)

1. A butch hit on me so crazily that Rohi thought she was my girlfriend. DAFAK I'm straight as hell. I was so annoyed because her friends were even helping her to bring me to their table. SORRY I'm straight
2. A caucasian guy LITERALLY swept me off my feet!!!!! Oh my gosh so amazing I can never forget you. He freaking carried me and swung me around for like almost 3 rounds. LIKE HOW!?!? I'm so heavy jesus. So tall some more SO TALL.
3. Some weird mixed guy KEPT ON asking me to follow him home. Oi you really deserve my middle finger.
4. There was this particular korean looking girl that looked like a comedian that I kept bumping into at Fclub. SHE WAS SO FUNNY. Everytime she saw me she'll do some robotic dance with a VERY stoned face. I can't even figure out if she was being a joke for real or she was just playing around. LOL epic so funny.
5. When i was about to leave Attica, this guy that I was dancing with..... was so clingy he even followed me out of the club LOL

So yeah found Andrea. Crashed at Liqian's place. Slept for 4hours. Supposed to leave house at like 10ish but Liqian couldn't wake up so we left the house at 12 instead. So stoned the whole afternoon. Went to TCC for lunch. Total bill was actually $82 but because Liqian was a member there, and it was her birthday, she had like 50% discount. So we only paid $41 in total and that means only $20.5 for EACH PERSON. Gosh and we kinda ate quite a lot man.

Went to the Alive museum. So hard to find the place.. When we found it there were a lot of people inside. MEH!!! I loved the trampoline so much. But because it was my first time on it I had difficulties split in the air oh my god. Now because of the trampoline I want to go trampoline park and play around L O L.

Left the Museum at about 4.30pm and went to cine to catch Transformers. It was the most torturing 165minutes of my life..... I always regret I swear. I really can't stand robot movies la serious. At 12 years old when transformers just came out, I already regretted and told myself I'll never watch the rest of the transformers that are going to be released in the future. But then..... WHY DID I WATCH THIS. LOL The robots spent like more than an hour fighting and trying to own earth. I slept in the show but I couldn't sleep in peace because of the metals hitting on each other. But every time I sleep and I wake up, THEY ARE STILL FIGHTING. It's crazy it was as if the movie paused when I slept.

After the movie, went to Holland V to find the rest of the clique. We thought we were late. But apparently we were the earliest -_- Amanda and Jai went home for idk what reason. Charlotte only came at like 9.45pm. Had dinner at D.goodcafe and I ate pasta again. 2 pasta meals for the day. So we had dinner and then went to Tango for drinks and cut Liqian's birthday cake HAHA.

Reached home at 12ish and of course I didn't sleep until like 2am. But I only woke up like 3pm the next day, which is today la.

Yay happening week is happening. CAN'T WAIT TO SEE 2NE1 TOMORROW. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

Yfest

Current feeling: feeling like Seho from Rommate now.

Lol forever left out. Why no one notices me when I dance??!?!?! WHY seriously. Don't even wanna look at my phone meh



MEH not even proud of my performance tonight. The formation was fucked up I'm so sad about that. I made so many mistakes like why shan why.....What the hell obvious mistakes some more. For now I can't forgive myself.. No one has seen me dance in forever... Like the last time I really performed was Dip show last year. This year's open house doesnt really count because..... Sad to say my heart wasn't there at all, plus it was a repeated choreography from a long time ago.

No one is ever like.... confident that I can dance well. Well enough to ask me to join crews or gigs or shit or WHATEVER LA really. No one thinks I can do it..... I wanted to prove myself. That I could at least do something right. That's why I wanted tonight's performance to be good. Because this was the only chance I got. That's why I was so stressed about it. I want people to see me and go wow Shanette can actually do it. But no I just had to screw it up.

Sigh I really want to be part of something. Can't someone just let me be part of something!???!?!? Can someone just at least put me as an option?! I've reached the point where I really don't exist anymore. I'm not even an option to anyone.... I really don't feel like I belong anywhere and it really sucks okay. I'm not a hip hop dancer I'm not a contemp dancer I'm not a ballet dancer not a jazz dancer either like what the fuck am I. Piece of shit

Meh don't know what to say to myself anymore I really want to be better. I have 1 month. goodnight and bye

FINALLY WATCHED THE FAULT IN OUR STARS......... GUYS I'VE NEVER CRIED SO MUCH FOR A MOVIE BEFORE. Ok hmmmm I did for a melodrama. Every episode also cry so tiring to watch that drama. KNOW WHAT DRAMA I'M TALKING ABOUT????? "I MISS YOU". The one yoochun was in. SO SAD OMG stupid make me cry so many days.

BACK TO THE FAULT IN OUR STARS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Omg how come it felt so relatable? I CAN'T UNDERSTAND. I mean I haven't been in love. I don't have cancer. Omg so much feels I can die. My heart literally BROKE. Broke ok. It's still broken when I browse through the ebook while I find the quotes. SO SAD I'M JUST SO SAD THINKING ABOUT IT WHY SO SAD!!!!! Hazel Grace's funeral note for Augustus...... Like what stop making me cry already.

“There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful.” 
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Sobzzzz.... This is random but when they were at Amsterdam, I just got reminded of myself there last December. How I was just always trying to find wifi so i could talk to you. Lol. -_- If you know me I hate finding wifi when I'm overseas. I only do when I feel like somebody's more important in Singapore than my own freedom to escape reality. Fuck that shit. 

Okay had our last rehearsal today. Guess what? XT bailed on us. Fuck man this is the most.... chilled performance I'm going to ever have in history. Seriously feels like an unpaid gig. I feel so unprepared I can't even. The costume is so annoying too!!! Why do we have to switch so many costumes?!!!? In just a span of 3minutes?! Goodness. I just feel super unprepared. Miss Melissa didn't even check up on us....... 

After TFIOS we went to have dinner. Didn't eat of course. Stayed at burger king for like... 2hours almost? I just sat there... & listened to their conversations. Some of it which I haven't heard before. I don't understand eh someone enlighten me. WHY do people like to talk about me? I keep myself at such a low profile. I don't like talking to people whom I know I won't get close with. I hate small talks. I don't bother I don't care and REALLY all you a-holes are nothing to me. Half the things you talk about I probably don't even care anymore. I'm so annoyed. LOL I feel like I got no drama in my life but its the people around me that keeps giving me the drama. LIKE DUDES send me to the mountains I don't need shit like this. 

I don't know why I always get noticed for the wrong reasons. Why? "Eh she take selfie why like this" "Eh she dance why so ugly" "Eh her thighs damn big" "Eh walao her eyes so small" FUCK YOUJKENRCJKWNELKNCL LIKE FUCK YOU. Why can't people see the good side of people? Why all I hear from people's smelly ass mouths are bad UNNEEDED criticisms? Eh people you guys comment on people you think you perfect? Gah why i suddenly burst out in anger omg I'm crazy ya whateverrrr

So suddenly Jingwen decides to..... make me the center of attention. I felt weird talking because.... WELL you know I only talk when I'm with a ONE person I hate talking in groups ok. That's me accept it or shooooo. So it was just about my future plans and all that..... I have so much to say and yet I don't know what's stopping me. So many things going through my mind and all that jazz. 

Aiya today was a day of weird ass emotions. All sorts of emotions also have. Think about my love life la.... Think about my dance life la.... Think about stupid yfest performance la.... I was so desperate to find someone to have dinner with me tomorrow so I could rant. But I couldn't find anyone. Sucks sia. THIS SUCKS. Another reason was also because I also think they won't wanna hear my nonsense la. Sigh to the pie. I'm feeling everything in one night this is so weird. & to think I've gotten out of the negative phase. 

Yvonne's currently watching Winner and that's even more saddening. She keeps asking me why so many people's empathising Team A because Team B is obviously better. I'm just like argh. Time and time again people just prove me right. That talent is all that's needed in the arts world. Hardwork is bullshit. No one fucking sees how much effort you've put in to get to where you are. They just want to see your end result. Like fuck it kay. I don't know about you but... though I thought Team B should've won but Team A deserved to win. For the amount of effort that has put into their songs and dances. Some people just get it easier. Some people take advantage of that. & for Team A I see that they try so fucking hard I feel their fucking pain okay. No one of you fucking understands that shit. All y'all know how to do is say how lousy we are. Say all that bullshit that I've been so numb towards. 

And I just don't know why I'm such a sad person. Like so super sad internally. A question I question myself everyday. After watching TFIOS. Ha after all that's still a movie. I am really not sure if I can find someone in my life that'll love me for who am I. Love the downside of me. Love the sadness in me. Who the fuck? LOL please. 

Wah shit the more I type the more I think eh this is not very good. I think I should stop here. I apologise for this super anyhow post l o l 

Determined

I'm so hooked onto Room mate now!!! Omg Bommie is forever so cute ok FOREVER I LOVE YOU BOMMIE I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU NEXT SATURDAY!!! So much love for my 2ne1 they win all the other guy groups. YES IM STRAIGHT OK I just love 2ne1 :B HAHAHA. & I can't get enough of Dong Wook jesus he's just SEXY NAMJA. & ah...... I love it when guys wear caps ok. Especially when they wear it the opposite way. IT JUST CATCHES MY EYE~~~ Yay I love roommate omg. Can you imagine living with those handsome boys?!?!!?! What the hell.... Suddenly want my whole clique to stay over again. Suddenly miss going SPC in the middle of the night to buy ramen. MEH

Okay anyway I've been having just one meal a day since Monday. Eating detox pills so I won't be bloated. I also stopped my midnight snacking okay. So much change in the way I eat in such a short time. I obviously don't see any difference in my size NOR my tummy. Which right now, is a seriously huge issue for me. Because tomorrow I need to try on the costumes oh my god save me just save me. I brought this on myself really. Why did I snack so much for the past few months WHY.

This is actually torturing. Shit when did my appetite become so biggggg :'( No I can't do this I'm very determined this time I'll diet all the way till school starts.... I need to go back looking like last time when I slimmed down and not even fatter la fuck. I can't imagine what Albert will say to me. "You this pig. People dance and slim down but you dance and put on weight. You can't even dance well. Your muscles are not even developed. Are you sure you are a dancer???" LOL ok well he said that to me before but I'm sure he will repeat it again. Everytime he scolds me it's always the same few sentences I don't even know how to feel about that anymore but YEAAAAH~~~

SLIM DOWN SLIM DOWN SLIM DOWN. Fuck la I know I definitely won't look good on Yfest but.... AT LEAST I'LL TRY TO LOOK SLIMMER ON OPEN MIC NIGHT????? I mean that's the nearest performance date ma.

I'm actually quite hyped on Yr 3 Sem 1!!!!! Yay I love all my sem1s. Good things always happen. CHEY TOUCH WOOD I'm not gonna jinx it. I am looking forward to performing for the freshies, looking forward to danzpeople recital, looking forward to learning new jazz choreo for our dip show, looking forward to 2/3 hip hop classes per week, one of the lessons by kayte some more!!!~~~~ EXCITING OR EXCITING?!?!?! I haven't felt this way in the LONGEST time okay. I think the last time I was this excited for school was last year before dip show.

Obviously there are things that I'm not excited about la. Like Peishan's contemp classes... -_- Watched my yr 2 sem 1 assessment videos and all I heard was Peishan's whiny voice. Like shit gurl stfuuuuu. I couldn't even hear the music that was playing in the background kay. Annoying. Of course not looking forward to having weekly presentations with the performance students..... Not prepared to look stupid and give them an impression that I can't talk. I mean I already seldom talk. I can't imagine what they'll think of me after they see me present. I need to prepare to dig a hole. Uh forgot to mention that all of them have like speech classes so majority of them can speak well.

Giving myself 1 month la okay. By my birthday I must look NORMAL and not FAT. I can't believe my birthday is like 1 month away. HOW TIME REALLY FLIES. That also means I only have 1 month of holiday left till school reopens. Told myself that if I got promoted I'll buy myself new leotards. LOL..... Uh yeah it's kinda time to buy new ballet stuff already... My shoes like beggar shoes, my tights all got holes and my leotards are loose as hell. Boobs flying out. LOL.

SO YUP~~~~~~ LOOKING FORWARD TO A NEW YEAR WITH ALL THOSE PERFORMANCES. Now just gotta worry about Sunday. I've got no confidence about it I don't even want my clique to come ok. That's how bad it is but well apparently two of them knows about it so they're coming OH NOOOOSE... Don't judge me guys please don't. Really pre-warning first my stomach is not ready to be shown to the world after all that junk i've been eating T_T DONT ASK ME TO EMBRACE MY BODY AT THIS TIME OR I'LL MURDERRRRRR. Because we all know the world is just gonna say "YUCKS WHY SHE SHOWING HER STOMACH WALAO ONE AB ALSO DONT HAVE." NO I'm not prepared really NOOOOOOOOOO

I really came a long way when in concerns dance.... Lol er I can remember very clearly the first time I was taught a pas de bourre. The music was SOOOOO slow like seriously 80bpm and yet I still could get my legs tangled up. So bad I can't even. Couldn't do a body wave without looking awkward. Didn't know how to isolate my butt and my body. I was just..... AWKWARD. Well I obviously still think I'm super horrible la DUH but omg it's because I think I'm super horrible now I feel so sad for my younger self. LIKE WHAT WERE YOU DOING YOUNGER SHAN THAT'S HORRIBLE. LOL  I have videos of my horrible self I feel horrible for myself jesus christ hahahahahaha save me.

Hear me roar

I'm just a stressed ass bitch

LOL WHY?

BECAUSE...... I'm so used to Miss Melissa always cleaning us up last minute to make sure we look ok. Like everyone. But no. Now we only have one more rehearsal till show day when we have like 5 more days till rehearsal. IT'S JUST WEIRD. Ok i don't know why I'm putting so much effort in this. Maybe because I haven't been performing in the longest time and this is like the ONLY opportunity I have and I really DON'T wanna screw it up. Unlike the rest, no one asks me to be in gigs, no one wants me to be on stage, no one actually thinks i'm of ANY worth. If I screw this up then seriously what will others think of me?

I hate that this is so fucking last minute. We haven't even tried on costumes. & to me if I'm uncomfortable in the costume how am I gonna perform well!?!?!??! We got like NO transition from the first to the second song and yet we're gonna have a small costume change? HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? We superman issit. SO MANY THINGS TO THINK ABOUT but everyone's so cool about it. Fuck y'all I'm going crazy. It's different to practice alone in my room and to practice with full strength in a studio kay.

Now every time I hear Yonce I go like "How the hell am I gonna be sexy like a girl? How the hell am I gonna dance in a way where my boobs won't fall out? HOW THE HELL!?" When I hear Beggin I think of what kind of expression am I supposed to do. When I hear the last song of our piece I'm just like I LOOK SO UGLY DOING IT JUST STAHP

Ranting like a cray bitch but really needed to get it off my chest.

Back

Hello guys I'm back to reality.

So I have exactly 6 days to go on an extreme diet. Ya it's horrible and it's definitely not right and I might just put on like another 5kgs from doing this but..... FUCK IT I NEED FAST RESULTS. I can see my stomach hanging around like a ball of flab on Sunday. I just can't. If it can't look fit at least let it be flat so it won't look that horrible... 

Japan was fattening. Yes I ate a lot and my body was infested with matcha everything. Matcha latte matcha ice cream matcha tidbits everything matcha. LOL it was crazaye~ Overall it wasn't as fun as my Europe trip. Yeah the food in Europe suck balls but I don't know I felt so much happier with my family then. It was so genuine I didn't feel like I need to hide any of my feelings. For this trip I felt so... cooped up. I guess I just went with the wrong mindset. 

At first I went there with a slight hope that some sort of a miracle might happen and I might just see your name appear on my phone. Well don't friends wish me bon voyage? They do what. But wells he didn't so I guess I got disappointed. It was such a typical "Receiving bon voyage texts from everyone else but not from the person that you want to hear from" moment for me.

The first few days were the worst pms-y days ever. Like I found it so hard to entertain my parents and I just really didn't want to talk. Yet they kept talking to me and shit like that. I already was trying hard to look like I was enjoying and having fun but they kept spoiling my mood even more cuz of their stupid and lame jokes/questions. God I had no freaking energy to entertain y'all. Every night I felt like shit.. I couldn't sleep and I had to wake up so early the next morning. Damn crazy.

My inner monologue for those days:

"Keep talking to me, not necessarily because I am desperate for your attention, but because it'd keep me together.

Keep talking, not because I want you to tell me sweet nothings, I just want you to talk. Tell me anything, just as long as you are talking because when you stopped talking, it all just fell apart, everything came crumbling down.

Keep talking because I really hate alcohol and more even the hangovers. And when you stopped talking to me, I have been looking for solace at the bottom of that bottle and craving when I am not. Just keep talking till this feeling goes.

Talk to me because I do not want to get high on marijuana. Thoughts of you have been driving me crazy, and being high feels like a great way to numb these feelings, make me forget about you even for a few minutes. Because I feel like I would much rather be numb and high, than normal, hurt and dysfunctional.

Keep talking because I think I miss you, and I miss you so much it hurts. I do not know how to stop. I am not like you, just stopping things. So i do not know how to just stop these feelings.

Talk to me because I miss being normal. I do not normally spend 24 continuous hours in bed, not feeling like doing anything. And tiring as it may be, I am out of strength to do what I would normally do, I am tired of being this defeated.

Talk to me because I do not know how to deal with this. And it’s the last thing I’ll ask you to do for me. 

Just help me through this then you can go."

I had my first encounter of the hantu in Japan.... Goodness I tried soooo hard to psycho myself that I was just seeing things and it wasn't real. But.... I couldn't deny it. So this was what happened. 

We checked into this hotel at about 8plus. We got the room that was the last of the aisle. To me I always felt like it was creepy to get the last room cuz I don't know, maybe cuz it's nearest to the exit stairs and it's dark and scary? LOL. Ok that's not the point. So we went into the room. All was good. 5 to 10 minutes later, the main light started flickering. I was kinda nonchalant about it at first, because it was not like always flickering. So i thought it was just maybe a one or two time thing. But after like half an hour, it started flickering quite vigorously. Then I got a lil freaked out la. From then on I kept having this eerie feeling but I just kept it aside cuz maybe it was just me uh. 

After about another half an hour, the light became super dim, it was as if there was no light left. No more flickering. I was just resting on my bed and using my phone. Spencer was at the study table studying with the study light on so it didn't look like the room had no lights on. At about 12.30 Spencer fell asleep. Meaning he already switched off the study light. It was then the main light started getting brighter. But very minimal. Still didn't think much about it. 

At about 1am I decided to go to the toilet. I was hesitant at first because I was scared.. LOL the eerie feeling kinda got stronger but I was just ignoring it as much as possible. When I stood up from my bed I realised I forgot to cover the mirror that was facing our beds. Shit not trying to be superstitious or what but I grew up with my parents telling me that mirrors can't be facing the bed. If it is we have to cover it up with a towel or something. So ya la the mirror kinda scared me but ok never mind I was acting strong and went to the toilet still. The toilet is very small. The toilet bowl is facing a wall that is about maybe only 30cm away from my knee if I sit on the toilet bowl. So I sat there and was just facing the wall la. What caught my attention was this reflection on the metal cover that held the toilet paper. We all know that reflections are usually the things around you what. But what I saw was totally.... nothing like the things around me. I stared at it for super long because I was trying to psycho myself to think that that was not a face that I was looking at. But no the more I stare the more scared I got. It was really someone with asian looking eyes with long black hair and a white coat staring right back at me. I didn't urine properly I just ran out of the toilet cuz I was too scared. Thank god it didn't move because if it did I seriously would've screamed.

The next morning I checked the reflection but it was different compared to yesterday... It couldn't have been different because I totally didn't off the toilet light at all. It was on the whole damn night. I didn't tell anyone. Still didn't wanna believe what I saw. At night I don't know why me and my brother started talking about it. Forgot how it led to that topic. I told him everything in a tone where I still didn't even know whether I saw it or not. He was sooooo freaked out. OMG I've never seen him believe me until like this before. I mean even I don't even believe I saw it with my freaking eyes. So I kept telling him maybe I saw wrong. Then he told me "That time we went Taiwan uncle Xian told us that those things like bright places." I was like wtf er did just made me confirm that I really did see it la? After he finished freaking out he told me "Actually yesterday when I read the article about the body without legs found in the luggage ah, I felt something cold near me. But I never say anything also cuz like I thought nothing one" Ya that was the day when the body without legs was found in the luggage in Singapore. We read the news that night. 

My parents knew about it because bro couldn't stop freaking out. The last day in Japan my parents asked me to explain what I saw and what exactly happened. At first they didn't believe me. I got annoyed because if you don't wanna believe me WHY ASK ME TO SAY IN THE FIRST PLACE? My father kept on teasing me and disturbing me like it was all in my head. Bitch. So i got damn irritated I just didn't wanna talk. After awhile, hah my parents told me THEIR story. My dad had it worse than me lol. Gah omg I would say I want to pretend it never happened but..... HOW CAN IT BE HOR? hahaha experience ah experience. 

When I touched down I felt very different. I really entered Singapore with a mindset that I left my sad brokenhearted ass heart in Japan. Read this article and yeah I'm gonna quote a few pointers which I feel it's very relevant in my life

Why men drop off the face of the earth? (Why men go MIA) 
1. There's someone else. Of course there's always the chance that there are other factors in his life that you're not aware of, like an lingering ex-girlfriend, a crazy work schedule, or maybe he has his eye on someone else. When the latter comes into play, it's not about your connection with him, whatever that may be, it's about him having a deeper connection with someone else. 

2. Men are avoiders. Would you have felt better if he called — or texted at the very least — and said, "Hey, I'm really sorry, I think you're a great girl, but I'm just not ready for a relationship," instead of falling into a black hole? Yes. "But men are often avoiders, so they would rather just disappear than have a conversation," Syrtash says. They do this for two reasons: "One: they might feel it's presumptuous to have that kind of conversation, and two, they don't want to have to explain themselves — especially if they think you're going to talk them out of whatever they've already decided, so they cut bait."

3. He decided he likes hanging out with you, but he's just not into you that way. And that's OK. You're not for everyone and everyone isn't for you. Most dates are designed to fail, she says.

4. He's chock full of false promises. Guys who make false promises and don't follow through are worse than guys who don't promise anything. False promises equal a false reality. In this case, someone doing the gentle fade out versus telling you things he doesn't really mean, leaving you hurt in the end, is actually a good thing.

At the end of the day, if a dude dips out on you, like Berger did to Carrie, just know that it sucks and your girlfriends are there to console you. Also know that you don't have to settle for anything less, because there are plenty of people out there who would LOVE to date you. But, you do have put yourself back out there instead of questioning why your previous vanishing act happened.

So yeah let it go~~~~ let it go~~~ can't hold it back anymore~~~ 


Reached home and slept my day away cuz I didn't had a good sleep on the plane. Watched a korean movie on the plane with no english subs. LOL training my Korean.. Surprisingly I could understand. Wow? 

While I was at Japan, every night I couldn't stop stressing about my Yfest performance. All the polishing was done this week. & I wasn't there. Performance is next week and I don't even know how the last blocking of mine works. Costumes haven't been purchased and my body is way to fat to dance in a sports bra. So bloody expensive k the damn costume. $107 for the overalls. I had to buy a new sports bra because everyone freaking took the colours that I already had.... So another $60 GONE. I still haven't buy a denim material black pants. WHY MUST DENIM ALL THAT SHIT. Just let me freaking wear tights. Angry bird. 

Right now I'm very sleepy again. I'm trying to sleep as much as possible because.... THEN I WONT EAT OR SNACK ON STUPID FATTY FOOOOD. My only aim is to get back my flat stomach before Yfest. I don't care if my boobs fly out anymore. FLY LA FLY. #fatpeoplehavetoomanyproblems 

I'm so hot right now. Hot hot not model hot but warm hot. I just like practiced yfest item but..... still looking like shit jesus christ. I practiced in.... SPORTS BRA. GAH I can't stand them fats jiggling and shit okay I just can't. How am I gonna get used to it?!?!?!?! The only item I can "perform" was the girls hip hop but the others.... I don't even know what kind of feel is it. I just become even more manly but I don't even know I just look horrible doing the routine. Fak fak fak fakkkkkkk

I'm feeling like KUKUUUUUUUZ now so I'm just dancing it off to make myself feel tired and sleep till tomorrow.

Leaving tomorrow like bye bitches. Today's been a bad day so whateverz. I'm forever bad in luck and nothing good ever happens to me k done deal bye. If I don't wake up tomorrow WELL YEAH don't be surprised cuz I'M BAD LUCK SHAN

Shit i forgot to mention how badly swollen my right shoulder is. YES ITS SO SWOLLEN ITS SO PAINFUL IT'S AFFECTING MY BACK WOOHOO. Yes that's bad luck too fuck please I only had ONE REHEARSAL. So I couldn't have hurt it in just that one rehearsal okay. Gosh like what did I do in my life TO DESERVE SUCH BAD LUCK. Roar i don't know man.

Good deeds day

Wa I feel like an extra kind soul today. I helped a grandma lift her bicycle up the flight of stairs. I let 2 foreigners go first in the taxi line with Andrea because they were rushing to the airport. I treated Andrea awesome herbal egg :B HAHAHA

Had Yfest rehearsal this afternoon. Jesus let me tell you I'm really not prepared for it and now I hate that I'm going to Japan even more. Why couldn't he have put in more rehearsals like earlier. I feel so unprepared I can cry. I wouldn't be in Singapore when he blocks the last song like WHAT this is sadness. Please don't throw me to the back :'( or the side :"( I really don't look good in the choreography it's crazy.... Boohoo but oh wells i'll try.

Then we went to Queensway to source for our costumes. God so hard to find damn it. But before that we had awesome laksa and I had awesome otah SO AMAZING. I definitely did not have enough Laksa. Thinking of eating laksa again for lunch tomorrow. Hahahaha. Because queensway didn't have what we were looking for, we went to Mustafa. Jesus I felt so meh. First time feeling like such a minority whoops LOL. But yeah I got a horrible migraine after going there and walking a hella long way back to school.

Bumped into Melissa wow and hmmmmm........ I DONT KNOW she gave me the "You're promoted" vibe. SO YEAH I guess I'm promoted???? She came to ask us about having 3 hiphop classes because our class is kinda more hiphop-y LOL. It would definitely benefit ME but if I have to think for the entire class and my exam and shit like that.... Then I guess it's not a very good idea. Sighpie

Went out with liqian yesterday!!! I'm super disappointed that I didn't get to eat Lola's Cafe main courses. THIS IS SADNESS OK. I'm so gonna go again. WHEN I RETURN FROM MY JAPAN TRIP!!!! Hehehe. The weather spoilt our plans to go cycling at ECP. DOUBLE SADNESS OK. Want to go cycling for sooooo long already walao. So we ended up going my house since it's so near Lola's Cafe. Slacked and talked and all. When it was getting late I was getting hungry again. So i wanted to order Macs. Stupid macs didn't wanna deliver to my house. CRAZY SADNESS. LIKE WHY. HOW DARE YOU LOLLLL. At that time it was already almost 9pm. Asked Liqian if she wanted to stay over and after some hesitation she said yes!! WOOHOO I had an awesome night with her. Didn't really know what was about yesterday but I couldn't stop laughing. So funny love her like crazy

CAN'T BELIEVE I'M FLYING OFF IN LIKE 2 DAYS TIME HUH WHY DOES IT SEEM SO SURREAL. I don't like this feeling man :( WHY DO I NOT LIKE THIS FEELING???? oh my god no I think i'm just super stressed over Yfest. We were so much more prepared last year okay I hate last minute shits like this. AINT WORKING OUT FOR MEEEEE

ALSO I'M DOING DANZPEOPLE'S RECITAL GUYS. Can't believe there is gonna be an item just for LASALLE students. Like whaaaaat. HAHAHA so epic I can't even.

But yeah man I really have bloody screw body clock issues. Serious sia who sleeps at 8am in the morning? and wakes up at 12pm? WHO???? ME. That's who. I really hope this trip will switch my body clock a little. I mean all trips always switch my body clocks. Except Europe of course. That one was also insane. I come back feeling like midnight was just afternoon. I can't imagine if I really go to US someday. I WILL COME BACK FEELING INSANE AND I'LL TAKE SOOOOO LONG TO SWITCH BACK HAHAHA

OK goodbye guys I am so bloated like a pufferfish right now me need da toilet. TOODLES HEHE

Moments

I need a Liam Booker (a character played by the hottest Gregg Sulkin in Faking It) in my life. Really.

I am crazy. I post so much raw feelings on my tumblr at wee hours like this I forgot there are actually people that I know in real life that follows my tumblr. Shitz. & I get a lil awkward when people mention they read my tumblr. LOL it's like this thing where you want them to read because it's so real and all... and at the same time it's weird to find out that they read it. I get soooo awkward when people tell me they read this blog. I can't imagine people telling me they read my tumblr. It's just double awkwardness. 

"When you've been sad for so long that when something bad happens, you don't cry. You just sit there and feel numb." 

I don't really know what is my future. I can't stand this blankness in front of me. I don't know anything and I hate that I am not doing anything about it!!!! Goodness. I mean ok at least I'm going on a holiday next week. & I'll have rehearsals when I return. Then Yfest. THEN AFTER YFEST?????? One empty month again. Lonely and sad. 

I actually think I feel like I choose to be sad. I feel like if I'm sad that means I'm still feeling something. Because being happy is just a facade I put on with my other friends whose problems are like sadder than mine. So i feel like I shouldn't be sad because whats my problem compared to them? LOL FEELING SO STUPID when I type it out BUT HAIYA you geddit right.. 

I was just about to type "I don't exactly have a song to describe my current feelings" and then Moments by One Direction played on my shuffled playlist. Wow yeah it matches what I'm feeling right now. Eh I really need to get on with life and leave the past in the past. Can I stop it. Seriously I'm really getting so irritated with myself. Everyday cannot sleep. Everyday thinking about the same thing. It's like I've accepted that it has reached this state and at the same time... I still believe miracles will happen. Lol can I not!!?!?!?!? -_- 

Someone just miraculously appear in my life right now please. Anyone. Just anyone. A new friend. Some sort of a distraction. Come on... 

OR GIVE ME ALCOHOL. A lot of alcohol. So I can just say whatever I want. & blame it on the alcohol when I know it very well that I know what I'm saying exactly. SIGH FUCK how is it that it's 4am right now and I'm still so damn awakeeeee!!??!?! Damn this shit 

Have I really been blind to reality? Tell me baby

SURVIVED WITHOUT THE INTERNET FOR 1HOUR HOORAY TO ME. Damn it was torturing

Stayed home yesterday. Slept at 6 in the morn nothing surprising over there. Met up with Andrea at 1.30pm in the afternoon not knowing where the hell we were going. Yup very aimless like how we always are HAHAHA. So she told me Shawn was gonna come find us later. Well "later" was pretty much lateeeeee because by then we had already finished our lunch. When he came it was just aimless walking all over school area...

Sat at Wilkie Edge's Starbucks and talked for quite awhile. Then decided to go somewhere else because Shawn haven't ate. Continued walking aimlessly and landed in Burger King. So we sat there again for like almost 2hours or something. He treated us nuggets heh.... Thankyou!! Then Shawn had to go somewhere so me and Andrea went back to school to chill. Then Shawn came and find us. I was definitely worried because when he left he told us he only had 10% of battery left. His whatsapp messages were still only 1 tick and when we tried to called him, it went to voicemail immediately. How on earth would he be able to find us man?!

So yeah okay he went to borrow some stranger's portable charger to charge his phone and called us after that. God bless. LOL Went to Fatty's for dinner. WELL WE WERE BASICALLY EATING THE WHOLE DAMN DAY!!!! Also talking and talking and talking. SHAWN'S TREAT TOOOO. Oh my god felt a little bad la to be honest. But awww!!

I definitely need some detox tea or pill or something for the next few days. All that goes in must come out!!!!

Meh so much thoughts, YET AGAIN. LIKE LOL NEVER ENDING. HAHAHA so i read this article about nice guys. &.... YOU KNOW WHAT YEAH I AM A NICE GUY. Alright a girl in my case. Definitely a nice girl. & It obviously sucks to be one but fuck I can never change. Just read the paragraph below and change everything into a girl's pov ok :B

"The nice guy has been hurt, too, he just chose to stay nice. He learned that different people were going to provide him different things in life. The nice guy also chose not to let any of it change who he was. So, he let you walk away and he called it a day. Everyone always says there are plenty of fish in the sea, and he let you go knowing this, even though it hurt." 

Right now I'm definitely very tired because of the lack of sleep AGAIN but I definitely cannot sleep. Sucks sia. Totally not looking forward to the Japan trip.... I feel like yeah it's good to get out of Singapore and leave everything here. But how am I gonna do that? I have too much on my mind to leave it here. I can do it but do I want to do it? Bewhew

I can't believe July is next month. I mean I know June just started but I feel my June flying past very fast. July is the last month of my holidays.... No.... I can't believe my birthday is coming again. I still feel like last year's birthday was just a few months back.. I was just thinking about it when I was bathing just now. How I came into my room at 11plus at night and I saw Yvonne and Liqian there with a freaking cake.... It may not be the grandest way of celebrating my 18th birthday but it is definitely unforgettable. I can never ever forget. So much love I cannot I love them so much. It was like one of my saddest and happiest birthdays ever. 

Well thinking about my birthday now because Shawn's been talking about birthday parties the whole day. I think this year will be a year there I'm invited the most to birthday parties. The people close to me never ever have birthday parties. & It's weird how this year people that I'm close to seem to all want to have a birthday party. Well not me. I like the idea of parties but I don't like me being the center of attention. Never did in my life. I would want a birthday party but what do people do in birthday parties? I don't know how to entertain people I don't how to plan one!!! Plus.... quite sickening that my birthday is always during pre-orientation week. Oh wells I'm just gonna pray my birthday this year will be a good one.... I kinda already know what my wish will be even though it's one of the world's most impossible wishes hahah. OH WELLS. 

"All my friends ask me why i stay strong. I'm lying in the ocean singing my song. Ahhhhhhhh" 

Say hi to my shortER hair. 

Hello guys. Another day at work. Hmmm. Slept at 11pm yesterday. Amazing I love the feeling of sleeping early. But it only happens if I have damn little sleep 2 days in a row. Sigh. :( Don't think I'll sleep early tonight... Oh wells?

It's already June man.... As of now I'm not exactly enjoying my holidays I guess... I don't know I just don't feel right and I feel like even though I'm living life from day to day, I'm waiting for something amazing to happen. I don't know what but as long as it doesn't happen, my holidays aren't making me happy. Hmmm sigh I really want to know new people. I want to know their life stories. I'm sick of my life :'(

Ah sigh alright so we all know The Fault In Our Stars is coming out soon later this week in the US. Obviously it's only coming later in the month in Singapore. & the eager me can't wait that long. I should've read the book a long time ago but yeah lazy lazy lazy and more lazy. But right now I'm very into the whole TFIOS craze and I really wanna know the full story because I've only seen the trailer and I don't get the whole "omg so much feels omg no no no" So yes I'm gonna read it and knowing how emotional I am I would probably cry but let's just pray I won't LOL~ (why the hell are my sentences so long. GOSH HAHAHA)