God I swear all of these nonsense is getting to me so badly. LIKE DUH IT'S A SURPRISE IF IT DOESNT RIGHT. Since when doesn't Shanette get demoralised?

I had some post exam sadness just now while watching Onegin's rehearsal run. Cuz everyone was talking about yesterday's exam. I wasn't part of the conversation but I was just listening. Of course I understand all of them are sad and disappointed too but.... I swear I'm like seriously obviously one of the worst of the worst dancers in Dip 3 and everytime they feel sad about themselves I really wanna slap myself for even existing in LASALLE. Like wth

Then...... Of course I expected it. We had Ryan's class just before full run today. Full of SHIT. I totally knew he was gonna yell at us. Totally knew he was gonna demoralise us. I'm sooooo fucking tired of listening to his crap. It's not like "fuck I don't want to listen to you because i'm so good". It's the fuck I'm so tired of listening that I'm bad like no matter how we solve the problem WE CAN NEVER MAKE HIM HAPPY. Like fuck man. I am so sad..... that almost all the teachers in lasalle hates our class. The kind of name we have in the industry.... It's so bad I can't even. & I SUPER HATE THAT I'M ONE OF THE LOUSIEST. I feel the lousiest when teachers scold us and sometimes specifically I feel like it's me. I really have anxiety issues okay you cannot just put all the attention to me I CAN'T DO IT OK JUST LET ME BE A NINJA JUST LET ME BE!!!!!!

Full run sucked balls. I hated it so much. I hate how we're in SO MANY ITEMS. Like why. I hate how all of these is so last minute. I hate how I'm not fucking enjoying the process at all. Run after run we're just getting scolded like free. Getting demoralised and shit like that. I really don't feel prepared at all. NOT EVEN FOR HIP HOP. Ok everything's just getting to me now and I seriously just.... Want to get it over and done with.

How is it that our lasalle anniversary piece looks so much better than so many of our other pieces? Plus we only had like 2 bloody rehearsals. IS THIS A JOKE.

Omg I swear I'm feeling so many things right now where is my stupid koala bear i need a hug from you :'( He's in malaysia :'( Boo to the hoo

I'm so happy okay. No I'm so disappointed but..... I'M SO HAPPY.

So today was my exam. WORST EXAM EVER. We had Jenny's unseen class. OH MY GOD. I'VE BEEN DOING BALLET BAR IN 8 COUNTS SUDDENLY SHE 6 COUNTS. I was confused as fuck okay. I thought my ballet solo wasn't that bad considering that I've been skipping so many of Toru's classes... AND THEN I SCREWED UP MY POSITIONING. Then fuck.... Argh. Contemp WAS WORSE. Guess who's unseen it was. PEI FREAKING SHAN OK. Oh my god. The first exercise I see already I also want faint. I'm just like my brain's so fucked up this can't be happening. Her routines were long as fuck I'm just like someone save my brain right now it's not remembering ANYYYY shit at all.

The worst happened. I blanked out on her last exercise. SO FUCKED UP. I hated that I just.... STOPPED MOVING. I literally stopped becuz I totally don't even know which is my left leg which is my right leg. I can't believe it I almost broke down. But okay we were given another chance. But STILL SCREWED UP BECUZ OF PHYSICAL LIMITATIONS AND LIKE.... Some of the movements I'VE NEVER DONE BEFORE SO IT'S LIKE NOT IN MY BODY VOCABULARY. So fucken annoyed with my fucken self.

Felt horrible throughout the rest of my dinner break before catching Performance's show. Then I don't know uh i just felt so sucky and all.... & A phone call came. Ahhhhhhh stupiddddd it made me felt sooo much better. Sigh the small things he does for me makes me smile so much. It's so sweet and I'm so thankful.... Thank you for always trying to make me happy. Thank you for always putting my safety first. Thank you for always taking care of me..... <3 AHHHHH this is bliss okay. ALTHOUGH there are times when you piss me off.... By using your dick to think not your brains but okay I don't blame you blood can't travel 2 places at a time I understand. AHHHH ok i'm gonna stop my nonsense now....

HEHE GOODNIGHT

SAVE ME WHAT KIND OF AN ARTICLE IS THIS THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE. THIS IS SO FUCKING TRUE. Well..... If you went back to my late July or August posts... You might be able to find SOME relations to what I'm about to blog but... yeah oh wells. It is titled "No matter what we tell ourselves, it's never just sex."

"Regardless of how many people I have told or the ways I have made light of it, I am not proud of this. I make fun of my decisions and admit to my faults because then maybe it won’t seem as bad as it actually is. Who wants to be used for their body? Who enjoys waking up next to someone that they barely know, not fully remembering what happened the night before?

I hated thinking about this incident because it made me cringe, so I had never really looked at it this way. Ever since I had shared this story with her, I couldn’t stop thinking about what had really happened and why I had let it happen to me. I also began to think about all of the other physical experiences I had with guys and how I have been treated. I then realized that most of the guys I had been with had manipulated me into allowing them to use me without me even realizing it.

I was numb because I had let so many guys disrespect me in the past, and because I didn’t respect myself. I blamed myself, and I was disgusted with what had happened; but I did not put him at fault, not until months later. I look back on this scarring event and think that I should have had a drastic life change after this, but that’s not what happened at all." 

This sucks man I swear. Like why I do this LOL I'm so retarded sometimes but heck I just do it anyways. So full of shit shan.

Heart never felt so pain before

One whole week of hell.

I don't even know why. The days weren't draggy. But every night I feel so fucking tired. and sleepy. & even if I sleep a lil more than the day before i still wake up late for school. 

I'm driving myself crazy. I hate that my heart breaks everytime I feel so unappreciated. Like why? Fuck feelings seriously fuck that I feel so much all the time. LIKE WHY THE FUCK EVEN. I hate that I can't say what I wanna say in a way where I won't sound offensive. I hate that I just am so passive I just let things happen. I just let it pass all the time. I just tell myself never mind it's okay. BUT FUCK IT OK IT MATTERS IT IS NOT OKAY AND THE FACT THAT IM ACTUALLY RESPONDING LIKE THIS KINDA SHOWS HOW IMPORTANT YOU ARE TO ME. Fuck my life what kind of shit. You do not know how frightening it is that I'm feeling so much for a person. You do not know how I DO NOT want to go back to the position of heartaches and heartbreaks and shit. I'm just disappointed ok. You are disappointing. Heart PAIN DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND. 

What a sucky friday. What a sucky week really. It's been accumulated. & I'm super tired. I know you never ask me to stay up. BUT I CHOOSE TO. I shouldn't be complaining but at least be appreciative? Why is it never enough for you? Why are you always asking for more more more? What if I say I have nothing more to offer? You'd disappear? WILL YOU? Then disappear. Because really I've said from the start I DO NOT NEED SOMEONE THAT DOESN'T STAY. I don't know what the fuck am I even doing. Like what????? I'm just feeling so much disappointment and sadness and heartbreak right now I can't even type a proper structured post okay. I just need somewhere I rant. I don't have any bloody person to tell this to. I hate this so much like why!!!!!! Kns. :( But oh wells. Why does it hurt so bad. DO I HAVE A HEART PROBLEM THAT I DO NOT KNOW ABOUT?????!?! God i don't know. 

I'm sorry this is such a bad post. I'm sorry I'm just.... fuck man I don't even know if I'm pmsing. I probably am but seriously... Maybe because I'm pmsing thats why I have the guts to post such shit what right. 

I know we'll get through this. BUT I'M JUST VERY DISAPPOINTED RIGHT NOW OK.

What? WHAT? IT'S ALREADY MID OF OCTOBER. Oh my goodness........

Somebody's coming back next week OH MY GOD YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY I AM. LOLOL I've been through 1 over week of torture it's been crazy. Last Monday to Thursday was honestly horrible. We're all busy and tired.. I understand. The time difference DOESN'T HELP AT ALL. I swear I've been so tired recently because I've been staying up just so there are conversations everyday. TIME DIFFERENCE IS HORRIBLE.

I was happy on Friday though... Though you're so far but on Friday I felt close to you. I was so happy we finally caught up on stuff and all. I don't quite know how to explain this feeling. It's like because we're so busy everyday that even though we're talking to each other, we're not really talking. So yeah :') Was even happier because I met up with Jaz. I love that bitch for real. We're real. Hahaaha.

Went abit bonkers last night. Made a yolo decision to sleep at 3... Fml BLAME THE TIME DIFFERENCE. Yes this whole post i'll be blaming everything on the time difference. My heart ached so bad last night I couldn't even. I knew he was in trouble yet I can't do anything to help. Not only that, I WAS SO FAR AWAY FROM HIM. I can't even give him a hug cuz he's ten thousand miles away. My heart literally broke when he say "I really need a hug from you right now" I'm just like oh my god don't do this to me. So yeah I thought I should just stay up so he could have someone to talk to or something. I DONT KNOW lol

Surprisingly I was able to wake up this morning. Not only was I able to wake up, I WAS VERY HARDWORKING DURING ALBERT'S CLASS TODAY. So weird. It's like because I was soooo damn tired and sleepy I just felt more during class. SO WEIRD. I hibernated like 5-10minutes before his class. SUCH A YOLO DECISION TOO OK. Putting my body to sleep a few minutes before his class starts. Really shan I bow down to myself LOL.

& I don't know what Facebook is trying to tell me. All these articles that have been popping up. It's crazy. Like "10 signs you've met the one" "15 signs you've met a good man" "12 moments in your relationship that make you realise the power of love" etc etc. It's crazy because..... Almost half of the article, that zhuzhu passed. & I'm just like really.....?!??!

"That moment you say the thing that’s on your heart that you have been crazy afraid to say and they just look at you in the most heartbreakingly beautiful way, like, “why was this a big deal to tell me?”"

I remember that day so clearly when this happened. When I broke down in front of you. & all you did was just hugged me tighter and assured that you'd be there... Oh my god so precious. Maybe not to you but yeah to me, definitely one helluva precious moment right there.

& then again if i were to think about this whole situation radically.... It just is too fast. Came across this article called "Too much too soon". I swear it's really how I feel. Easy come easy go. We need time and we need to build on it. Love doesn't just happen. "Love is not something you just fall into overnight. It is the creation of two people who have worked together to cultivate it and allow it to grow. Our generations have it too easy in terms of an out. “‘Til death do us part” has become “Until I get bored of you.”" I'm not saying he doesn't know how to differentiate between Lust and Love. Because I would know how to differentiate guys that doesn't know and know. It's just that... It's kinda too good to be true. On the other hand, it is my fault too. I don't believe one can truly accept me for me. I don't believe he will still love me that much after awhile. Everyone that has stayed by me, left. It was just a matter of time. I got used to it. That's why I said I wouldn't be surprised if this one leaves me too. 

Then i read this other article that ALSO happened to pop out on Facebook. "The who why and wtf of 20 something dating." <- I am TOTALLY guilty of this. If anyone ever asks me I would ALWAYS say "nope not exactly dating. nope just seeing how things goes." The only thing different is that, I'm not afraid of being labelled. I'm just afraid of what will happen after being labelled. I also want to find the one worth labelling. To me being someone's girlfriend is a big thing. To me being someone's girlfriend means I see a future in us. I know I'm young and I wanna live in the now. But that's exactly why i feel like being labelled means settling down. If I've found the right person now I definitely would settle. Because like I probably said in my previous posts, I AM SICK OF PLAYING AROUND. I really don't see the fun of having small talks with idiots that are basically just fucking around and talking to 10 other different girls. Yeah we're young and you only live once but yeah I'M PROBABLY ALREADY OVER THAT PHASE. We all know what a fucking feeling person I am. At the same time I can be one helluva bitch. Meaning I do noooooot entertain people whom I'm not interested in. 

Gah. It's been some time since I felt so much for a person. This is horrible. I'm afraid. Same time of the year. OH MY GOD. God bless me please 

I am.... FEELING SHITTY AS HELL.

I hate it when I take a day off in a week and then I'm like fuck there's school again tomorrow. I hate it because I have SO MANY WORK TO DO. & When I get stressed I JUST DON'T DO ANYTHING. I think I've said it every freaking semester on my blog like what even. I feel like this all the damn time at this time of the semester. WHY

I'm so mad this boy refused to let me send him off to the airport. "I don't want you to go home alone. It's so late eh blah blah blah" Oh my god what nonsense how old am I. I'm trying to understand him but at the same time, IT'S 23DAYS THAT I WON'T BE ABLE TO SEE YOU. Ah gah.... What have I gotten myself into..

First time ever a guy is annoyed at what I'm wearing. & what was I wearing? I was wearing a crop top and shorts. THAT'S ALLLLL and he got all cray cray about it. That wasn't the only time. That day when I was wearing a dress for the interview, he KEPT on pulling my dress down so it'll look like it's a super long dress. HAHAHA oh my god my dear boy. Why you so funny.. So funny how I actually thought that was cute. How he's so protective over me. It's actually so cute I swear. LOL I told him one of my friends were also going to Germany for training. Woah shit he got all siao siao about it too. HAHAHA omg typing this is just really making me laugh. He thought it was my ex or somebody.. I was like NO he was just an ex classmate.... Then he got all possessive and say "You're mine okay" I'm just like god don't say that. (Cuz it's sexy when he says it hahahahaha muahahahaha)

No I'm nobody's

No guys I'm still single hahahahaha wtf

Yes maybe I'm dating muahahahaha ok

I'm being cray cray now too but yeah 23 days

I'm giving myself 23 days. If I can survive this 23 days and if after 23 days things are still this way.... I guess it's just really meant to be? Maybe god really did just threw a good guy to me... Becuz right now I'm speechless all i can say is that he's the only person ever.... That is actions > words. NO OK ACTUALLY.... actions and words EQUIVALENT. He does what he says and he mean what he says. I can be the ugliest person ever and yet in his eyes I'm still a princess. I don't know how. I really don't know... Why am I like this.... HE KNOWS I'M LIKE THIS and he still doesn't mind sobs I'm going crazy. I don't know I do not wish to tell anyone what is going on. NO. I will give myself till the end of this year. I don't know who reads my blog.... Maybe no one... Maybe everyone.... LOL But.... Oh wells if you're important to me I guess you'll hear from me when I'm ready I guess.