FRIDAY GUYS RING RING RING IT'S DA WEEKENDS BABY 

MUACKKKKKSSSSS

Today's ballet class was SO DIFFERENT compared to yesterday's. I felt so alive. Dk why? Toru kept looking at me and giving me corrections I was so happy... If only ballet lessons were always in the afternoon... Lol. I seriously can't make it in the morning. I'm really still sleeping. Learned a new routine during hip hop today... Wah floor work again. Wah good luck to my "beautiful" knees yo. 

Finally saw my darling today.... After 5 freaking days. Finally freaking finally... I can just hug him forever and just not let go. Really can't wait to travel with you <3

Baby why you frown

Because I'm the happiest when I'm with you.

Sweetest classmate ever

This girl above has seriously been making me so happy in school recently. I don't know why... Actually it always has been. The past 3 years with her has seriously been so funny. She's always there when I need help. She's always making me laugh because she's such a joker... 

Recently in one of Shouyi's classes, she seriously make me laugh until I really cannot tank. LOL so we were standing in line according to height. We are of the same height but maybe becuz I'm bigger sized than her so I look taller. But that day she tied a bun. LOL stupid woman she used her bun and pretended to be taller than me. HAHAH. So we were supposed to do the movements when we're super close to each other. You have noooooo idea how many times we hit each other (not on purpose). Then there was this one movement where we were supposed to push each other to the floor all at once and then get back up immediately using our own strength. Wah she best ah she think I am the floor. I trying to get up she push me down. LOL Shouyi was just so speechless he just think we're such jokes. 

I don't understand Shouyi also la he seriously love disturbing me so much. I don't know ah it's only this year where he started to call my name every single rehearsal... So weird ah. It's always like the more I try to ninja the more the teacher will call me. WHAAAAAI.... I don't want you to see me the more you see me. I remember the first few rehearsals this year when we were learning the new combination of the dance. Woah first time he praise me? I was like woah? You serious? Then after that because the choreography got longer, my brain got more fried so I couldn't remember anymore. Then he started targeting me.... Walao T_T I was standing at the back. & he made me go to the front... & I couldn't remember the steps.... So I got mocked by him cuz I do the step like so funny. CAN'T STOP LAUGHING AT ME LEH HE. So many rehearsals he love to call my name (for the wrong reasons ah not good reason). I don't know why leh somebody tell me. I very funny meh? Of soooo many people he chose to look at me... So freaking stressed like even if I know my stuff I also end up doing wrong because I can feel his stare even though I'm not looking at him.

Then just now I was going home. Honestly didn't really had a good day. But Yaqi made me felt soooo much better... 

Started off the day with ballet. You have no idea how mentally gone I was. I don't know my soul fly to where. Literally like dead body moving. I guess Toru could sense my horrible tension so he kept telling the class that he doesn't correct our techniques anymore because he thinks we must be mentally there before he can even correct us... I felt so bad.... So I just woke up and found back my soul. 

Chinese dance was alright too. I love Jenny.... But why can't I do her piece nicely... I look so ugly doing Chinese dance I feel so bad. She came into class and we all were so lazy we just didn't wanna do rehearsal. HAHA. She asked who's missing. I said Andrea. & Andrea is like always teased by Jenny because she's forever with Syar. So don't know how we ended up asking about Jenny's love life HAHAHA and she ended up telling us too. So cute she so cuteeeeee! Then she asked us, "besides school what else do we do outside" Andrea replied her "dating lor!" HAHAHA omg then she also exposed me "this one also dating lor!" Wah Jenny's reply so unexpected. "I KNOW!!!! See her instagram i know already... But I cannot tease her because her boyfriend is not in school!" LOL then everybody made noise.. AIYO cannot be in love meh! HAHA shy die me sia walao. 

On a side note there was some silent drama in my class that I do not know of.... Like whaaat. Omg the whole world knows how much I hate being part of them so I was kinda thankful I know nothing of it. Until today of course. Oh wells I feel so bad about it but at the same time I'm also annoyed. WALAO can I stop being the nice person -.- Can everybody stop being so mean.. 

Sigh kinda spoilt baby's mood I guess after that so I was really affected by it and didn't managed to concentrate in Jazz. Dapheny out to kill us.... Walao the choreography like so damn contemporary sia it was so unexpected. Okay after awhile I kinda gotten the hang of it but oh wells I guess my body just physically can't do it. So weak shan so weak. We were split into two groups. So I get very mad when I count the steps wrongly or do the steps wrongly or just can't simply do the steps. WHY EDEM MUST KEEP DISTURBING ME. I wasn't even feeling good already dafak. From far he was like "I think shanette best ah. After the whole thing she end with 'fuck la fuck'" SORRY LA PEOPLE NO MOOD MA. PEOPLE CANNOT DANCE WELL MA. Cheebong he always make me the star of the class. Always during Dapheny class he always so mean to me. Then dapheny said "From now onwards ah, if Edem makes fun of you one time, I'll grant you a wish. You can also slap edem anywhere you like." Meh I also don't want to entertain anyone alr so I didn't respond. Bloody hell la 

Of course my moodiness ate into the next class too. Shouyi.... I really have love-hate relationship with him and his class. How liddat. It's like I don't know how to respond when he praises me. I feel like sometimes his praises are just there to make me feel less demoralised. But the thing is I know it myself I know I don't do well.... Then we were doing this crazy fall thingy in a clump with my classmates. Sorry uh maybe my face too obvious but I really couldn't enjoy doing that part. I really had no motivation... He told us he'd let us go early if we do our last run properly. Oh wells doesn't make a difference... I just felt like a zombie. Wah when I zombie then he praise me. My leotard almost fell off during the run he also can praise me. 

Wanted to eat with someone but I didn't bother asking where everyone was going so I just went 7/11 to get something to drink. Yaqi scare me. She came in also and called me. I was like "Eh why you here also." She said "Becuz... I saw you walk in here so I also follow you. You're going to the mrt right? Me too so lets go together. I wait for you" WHY SHE SO CUTE LOL. So on our way there we were just talking about random stuff and school stuff... I told her I really just no motivation to go school anymore. & she told me I really got improve this year. I'm like seriously...? How come I don't feel it at all.. Suddenly she talked to me so seriously. She told me she really like me a lot as a classmate. She told me that her personality in class is a joker. She loves to joke around with people but she chooses who she can joke around with. She told me she particularly love joking around with me because I always make me smile and laugh. She told me she really like my personality a lot. She said I have this hidden personality that very little people can see but she doesn't know how or why she knows it. She asked me if I realised that the whole class loves joking around with me.. I'm like no I don't think so obviously... Then she said it's true and even Shouyi. I'm like omg Shouyi ok so I'm not being delusional about him disturbing me all the time. Last week Shouyi invited our class to his open class at THE. Yaqi and Laban went I think. Then Yaqi told me Shouyi kept talking about me in his class and like how he will always watch out for me. WHAAAT???? Why sia what I do sia I'm so confused leh LOLLL I very nice to disturb meh!!! 

Becuz we had to go separate ways already so we said goodbye. I didn't expected her to continue her conversation... She texted me and said this.... Why so sweet... 

She said I bring happiness to her day..... I told her I feel like the days in lasalle are too long and I'm losing my motivation... She told me I'm the one who makes her happy... I never ever knew my presence can make someone happy.. I really didn't expect this.. Sometimes really the simplest things in life makes me the happiest. & then she talked about graduation... Meh emotional me is emotional what is this. I actually wanted to skip morning class tomorrow.. But becuz of her I'm gonna make sure I go. 

The day will pass fast... Tomorrow will be a better day. It's friday I gotta be happy. I can do this.

Selfish? Me? Maybe....

Hey there I'm back. My eyes hurt. Decided not to go school today. It was such an impromptu decision like I totally didn't plan it at all.

So early in the morning I woke up and my eye hurt, (also partially because I woke up later than usual). So i decided to FaceTime into class. Like thank god the first class was theory. So I told Miss mel I might rush for contemp (which is the next class after theory) but I might be late. But then she ended theory class late. I obviously couldn't reach in time. & my eye was still red after class. So miss Mel told me to get an MC if I was gonna miss contemp. So yeah that happened. I ended up going to a polyclinic with my mom to get an MC.

But before that my mom was just psychoing me to not go school because she kept telling me "if you can't go for contemp then why you can go for rehearsal in the afternoon. Then I'm like then what you want me to dooooo and she told me to just stay home. Oh well okay fine then. Spent more than 2 hours in the polyclinic.... Finally got an mc and went back home. Apparently baby also managed to get an mc for just today. In my head obviously I was a littleeeeee bit happy la, hoping that maybeeee there's a tiny hope that I can see him today. But.... from the way things were going and texting, I kinda knew we weren't gonna meet already.

Mummy told me bro wanted to get new shoes and asked me where he should go. I told her left foot. So we ended up going cathay to get shoes. Oh well yeah I bought a new pair of shoes for myself too  ho ho ho. On the way home I was still texting baby... He was saying how he was tired so I just jokingly said he could come my house and sleep awhile (with the real intention of asking in my head). Don't know whether he was playing along with me or what but he asked if he could really come over. So I got a little excited and asked my mom. "Can come uh but y'all stay downstairs." What. The. Fuck. Then she told me it's what my dad told her and like my dad will get all angry and shit. I'm like fuck he's not even home. So she said "Your dad might just come back anytime." Yeah right it's now 7pm and he's not even home.

Of course I got mad. Stay downstairs? Stay downstairs do what? Face wall? Don't even have a fucking tv on the first floor. Can he not be so unreasonable? I just got mad (at my dad who wasn't around) and I just said whatever I felt. My mom told me she doesn't understand the shit she goes through to do things for me and my bro. I'm like NO I KNOW i'm just angry that my DAD is so fucking unreasonable and NOT understanding. It's not like we're gonna do something morally wrong if he goes up to the second floor. It's not like I'm gonna lock the damn door if he enters my room. After I said all those my mom just burned me. Wow. "After all you still did something wrong." Fuck. Please let me fucking rewind time and fucking remove all that shit that happened. I hate it so much. I hate him so much. I hate i hate i hate why the fuck was I so mother efffffffing stupid. It's just a mistake CANT PEOPLE JUST FORGIVE AND FORGET. It's a mistake that I DID TO MYSELF. It doesn't even fucking concern my parents. Why are they using that against me. Ok yeah of course I'm at fault too. I regret every single day of my life. It haunts me like crazy can you guys stop already.

I was so mad I just burst into tears. Why because of my fucking mistake I have to let my boyfriend suffer my father's nonsense. All I want is to see him. My father blame me for going out too much. Blame me for spending too much. WELL YEAH THATS CUZ YOU DONT LET HIM COME TO MY HOUSE. I'm seriously a simple girl. I just want to be home, with him and maybe some food, and my computer. Life is complete. I don't need to go out and eat. I don't need to eat expensive food. I don't need to always DO something for the day to be fruitful. I don't want to keep thinking of places to go. I just need my room that's all. SO HARD MEH, FATHER? SO HARD?

So yeah fuck this shit that really seriously spoilt my mood. Even up till now I'm just like meh. I just wasted one day of MC doing nothing. Didn't even managed to see him. But then again.... He spent the day with his mom. I guess either way whether he was allowed or not, I wouldn't have seen him... Guess I'll just have to wait till the weekends then... Even till then I don't want to spend money.... Life is so tough. Let me just sleep my life away seriously. Can't stand it no more.

Someone explain to me why is my nose so problematic.. It's like I have this permanent nose block, permanent runny nose sia. Like how I'll always have indigestion problems. Problematic!!! My eyes are problematic too. So many problems.... :(

It's already 11pm. Everytime I'm home time flies so fast.. Why do I not enjoy school so much? It's so hard to look till the end of the day. Just so hard. I'm like feeling so what the fuck right now because every few minutes I'm blowing my nose.

So many assessments just piling and piling and piling. I wanna graduate so badly and yet I have so much to do before I graduate. What the hell. The one that I'm stressing the most right now is the freaking hip hop choreography assessment... I HAVE NO INSPIRATION AT ALL T_T... I'm gonna disappoint XT so bad. Someone help me..

Argh I'm very depressed about my weight seriously. I really haven't been on the weighing scale for like.... more than half a year already. If I stand on it I confirm wanna commit suicide lol. I know I've been gaining weight. It's just this feeling you just know it. Then this morning I was just really hungry. My mom was out so I just asked if she could takeaway mcdonalds for me. Then she just added a few sentences that made my morning shitty. "You need to cut down on your food intake. Can see that you're growing" Wow mom what a way to put it. So I just wanted her to be even more direct so I asked what she meant. And she said she could tell that I was putting on weight. Sigh my heart. I hate this!!!!! I know it myself... I feel so conscious now when I wear tank tops... T_T Sigh how did I gain so much how did I become so fat. Everytime I wear the bloody leotard for ballet I don't even wanna look at myself in the mirror. The love handles on my tummy... I CAN'T STAND LOOKING AT IT IT HAS TO GO!!!!

Seriously how long do I have to deal with my weight issues.. Its so unfair how others get to eat normally and they don't put on a single weight. As long as I don't diet, I confirm put on weight. Chee to the bong what the hell. I'm like so determined to make sure I lose all these weight before cny... I have to... That's like less than a month from now.

& I miss baby so much... SAVE MEEEE It's only mid week.. G o d if only he was studying in the same school as me.. Wah every night can look forward to seeing him.. I confirm can get through the day like phew~ Hehe -oh wells maybe i'm dreaming already i'm sleep-blogging hahahaha- Can't wait to see that boy again. Always looking forward to seeing him. Always feeling so happy when I know I can see him~~

Finally have the opportunity to blog.

Yesterday he got angry with me for the first time ever... Like legit and I was seriously so scared and I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't dare to say anything because any words that I say I will just end up crying. Like literally tears were on the edge of my eyes already. I kinda felt like I definitely should say sorry because I hurt his feelings but... At the same time I felt like I didn't have anything to hide.. I don't know if I'm being selfish. 

So this was what happened.

So yesterday we were on the cab on the way back to his friend's house to get his wisdom tooth medicine. On the way there, his friend, J, kept texting him non stop to ask him to go eat dinner. Then J ended up calling him. So while they were talking, I suddenly hear a girl's voice on the phone. & seriously it sounded so bloody annoying I almost wanted to punch the phone. I mean my boyfriend has told me about this girl that his friend likes. But he didn't tell me that he knew this girl personally. Then this girl was just on the phone acting so cute and all I just got so mad (internally, secretly.) So the whole intention of the call was to ask Dylan to go down to have dinner with them. After the hang the call, J continued texting Dylan. And J also mentioned that this girl really wanted to see him cuz she hasn't seen him in a long time. Like whuuuuuut who da fak 

Okay whatever I don't careeeeeee I decided to just throw it aside and as usual, use my phone check my social apps just to not think about whatever I was thinking. So then I was on snapchat looking at people's mystorys. It just so happened that Jonas' mystory was the first on my list so I clicked and it was a video of him dk doing what. Dylan saw and asked me who it was. I'm like just a close friend. Then he replied me "Do you know what is JEALOUS". I thought he was kidding and mind you I was also in the jealousy state TOO I had no intention to entertain or talk to him. So I just answered him in a very nonchalant manner "Aiya nth to be jealous one la". So yeah he got mad. & he didn't talk to me at all after that. When we were walking he just walked in front and totally ignored me. I got so scared I just didn't know what to do. 

I felt like what the hell its just bloody Jonas why the hell he jealous for. But then again he doesn't know who Jonas is. & also it's not like I was on the phone talking to Jonas, or like texting him.... I just saw his bloody snapchat..!?!?!??! Why should I apologise. Oh my god. Then okay so dinner we just didn't talk at all. He kinda gave in and ask me why I was so like meh. Of course I asked him back because he was the one who started it. So he said he already told me before he gets jealous very easily. I'm like omg it makes sense if I was texting him or something but I was just seeing a bloody snapchat.... & He told me as long as I am looking at some other guy and he sees it, he just gets very mad... & he told me that if I want to see, don't see it in front of him.... What kind of nonsense is this. I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. Why should I do it behind his back.... 

I couldn't agree to his way of thinking... I don't want him to think that he infront of me act angel all then behind me he can see other girls' photos or something. Because I don't do that. & I have always been seeing the kind of photos he likes on Facebook. It irritates me sooooooo fucking much cuz it's always either the girls are pretty and slim or the girls boobs are just fucking hanging out. Like FUCK YOU BITCHES CAN YOU KEEP UR BOOBS TO YOURSELF ASSHEWLS. I'm so fucking insecure about how I look because I hate that I'm so big sized.... & there he is liking girls' photos who are so much slimmer and prettier than me.... I cannot. and I don't even wanna say anything cuz it'd be too creepy like why the hell am I stalking the kind of photos he likes on fb omg.

I hate that I'm so insecure about myself. They say if I can't love myself I can't love someone else.... I don't think that's true.... I can't love myself at all but I love him so much.... I can't explain what kind of a feeling this is but yeah it's just like this. I just wished there was something about me that I could love. Maybe flawless skin... Maybe slimmer hips... Maybe some amazing talent... Sometimes he doesn't get it. I'm just insecure about myself.

I felt so bad for not saying sorry on the spot... Even when he was angry he still ordered food for me, ordered drinks for me... Gave me fish and gave me prawn from his hokkien mee.... I'm like omg seriously why you treat me so nice even when you're angry. & I just like idiot like that don't even know what to say. I started thinking about all the things that I haven't been doing that he has to feel jealous over a snapchat. Seriously maybe I seriously suck as a girlfriend. I really don't know how to be one. I feel too much but I'm so unwilling to show the amount that I'm feeling. I feel so pressurised every time he tells me to be open about how I'm feeling. My fear of telling someone how I feel is seriously.... too strong. It's just so hard to tear this wall down.

But things kinda got better at the end... Decided I shouldn't be like that anymore because time was kinda running out. It was getting kinda late already. So we had to part ways... And just one hour after we left each other, I just started feeling like shit already. What the hell shan. -_- The thought of the long week ahead.... The thought of not being able to see him.. Omg shan need maintain.

How did I become so clingy... It's like no matter how much time we spend together it's just never enough... Never. I refuse to ask for anything. I refuse to ask for more.... If it comes to me it comes. I know it sucks because it feels like I'm not fighting for what I want. I know sometimes I don't show as much as I should. Many times I miss you like crazy but I don't want to say... I love you so much I wanna hug you so tight but I just don't want to seem so desperate or clingy. I really honestly don't know what's the right word to use.

Cheers to the long week ahead.... Please let me graduate soon... Please let me get this shit over and done with. Now my only goal is to get the bloody cert, slim the bloody hell down, and idk may god make me look a lil hotter or sexier or more attractive... 

Hey guys. I'm back here. I just really needed to write something. As you can tell, the depressed me is back in town.

Honestly I've been finding all ways to look forward to the next weekend but it's just so hard. I skipped school today. Honestly I don't even know why. I'm not sick. But my stomach has been fucking ridiculous since yesterday. The problem with me is that i either shit too much or I don't shit at all. AND IT SUCKS. I've been having diarrhoea like crazy since last night. Doesn't help at all that I'm having my fucking period. MY MENSES CRAMPS ARE KILLING ME. I hate this. Really ever since August my hormones all upside down. My face break out like EXTREMELY crazy before my period. I PMS 1 week before my menses. Like horrible pms and i feel so sorry and bad for my parents and my boyfriend. I AM SORRY. People be like, "she's bullshitting I'm a girl too and I'm having my menses too and I'm alright." no bitch no. I've been lying on my bed since yesterday. My stomach hurts so bad. I can't.....

AND my eyes are so bloody sore. Yesterday it decided to give me pink eye. THANKS. Managed to calmed it down with normal eyedrops. Woke up this morning and it was sore again. So yeah fuck it I decided to not go school.

I really changed a lot. Since 2012 till now.... My attitude, my passion in dance.. Everytime I think back about the 3 years in dance.... I don't know what it has done to me. It has made me stronger and also made me horrible. Maybe I really made a wrong choice. Why did I take 3 years to wake up? I should've quitted... I should've taken another diploma somewhere else. I don't know fuck this shit why did I have to wait till I'm about to graduate to realise this. I'm saying this because I'm really afraid I can't hold on till I graduate. The first fucking month is not even over yet. I still have 4 more months to go. It's not even the performances and all that's making me want to cry. It's the amount of presentation and team work there will be this term that will kill me. I FUCKING HATE TEAM WORK PRESENTATION OR ANYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH PEOPLE. Because I hate people. Give me essays. I rather drown in them.

Gawd this school has gave me nothing but bad vibes. I really don't belong. I've only realised this in my 3rd year. How awesome. My dad asked me "So after so long, how do you feel about this? Regret or achievement?" Hah seriously both. Who knew I'd survive till the 3rd year? I probably really don't deserve this spot though. I know it myself. I still remember how Jingwen told me she expected me to quit after year 1. I knew everyone knew I couldn't survive. I knew there were seniors and teachers and even classmates saying that I wouldn't make it. So I made sure I make it. You know this is the thing. The more people talk about me the more I wanna prove them wrong. And that's the wrong attitude. WHY SHOULD I PROVE ANYONE WRONG? I should be doing things for MYSELF. I should be achieving things for myself and not to prove people wrong. My entire life I've been listening to other people. People say I cannot do something, I make sure I do it and show them I can.

I was so demoralised when Shouyi put me at the back of his piece and made me the last in the canon at one part. He claimed he was "saving me" but really all I can read from his mouth is "you're so lousy. just stand at the back and dance lesser so no one can see you" So I worked really hard. I gave myself just one fucking week to prove the bloody asshole wrong. I made sure I remember every freaking thing and make sure even when people forget I still remember my stuff. WHO SAY I CANNOT DO IT. Damn I can

I just really have NEGATIVE ZERO motivation for anything anymore. What the hell is there to look forward to. What the hell where the hell am I going with my life? Passion isn't even a reason anymore. I've lost the one and only thing that kept me going. This is one hella depressing post but really I needed to write this out.

Early in the morning I was texting baby. He is currently in this tough 3 month course. This week initially he is supposed to go to Tekong for 5 days and I'm not able to contact him at all till he returns to SG. So I tried to text him as much as I can this morning. I told him I am not going to school and I told him my stomach was not feeling well. I don't know what happened all of a sudden he kept telling me he want to drop out of the course. He say as long as I don't want him to go he will go and find an excuse to drop out. Because I am more important and he wants to see me and that he wants to take care of me. I felt so fucking bad. Of course he would have more time but it also means I'm stopping him from excelling. Is that what I want? The shit he has gone through the past 3 weeks. I cannot believe he just gave it up. This is the stupidest reason ever but he just said I'm just worth it. I AM NOT WORTH IT. I don't know I have so many mixed feelings. I'm like how is it even possible that this world has a guy that always puts me first... I'm so touched and I really just want to see him right now to hug him. & on the other side I'm just a really bad girlfriend. Why I do this T_T

He and I are planning to go on a holiday at BKK after I graduate. I am sooooo excited no words can explain this excitement. But it's still so far away omg. June leh..... Now only what!!!! January sia. I really can go crazy. I really can't wait

Now..... I just really want to see that man.

Already gotten through the 2nd week of school... And I'm already shagged as hell... There are 17 more weeks to go.... This is insanity :'( Someone teach me how to survive... 

I try so hard to find something to look forward to but there's none because im too mother fucking tired to think of anything. I now understand even more how my boyfriend feels. He definitely goes through worse shit than me and he has so little sleep. I feel like a mini bitch everytime I show him face cuz he always don't feel like doing anything. 

I feel so silently demanding. Like in my head there are a lot of expectations but they are not fulfilled and hence, disappointment. And also I just refuse to say my expectations out because I don't want to give people to impression like I'm very into something or very excited for something to happen. Cuz then when it doesn't I just feel upset like hell. Doesn't make a difference if I don't tell la actually. Kns 

I really wish I could see him anytime I wish. Why must he go through such life. This whole week he's been busy like hell and I can't even blame him cuz then I'll be a burden cuz I'm so demanding. 

I'm so tired I feel like it's okay to be lonely already... But it's quite sad to feel this loneliness.... And I don't like it. It's like there's someone out there that I love so much and every happy thought that comes into mind, he's the first person that I wanna tell. But he's just too tired. He's just lacking of sleep and of course no time for me. That's sad.. I think I need a pen pal to feel this void. What the f am I saying right now I deserve a slap in the face