Becuz a lie is never just a lie

It's been many crazy weeks. I don't remember when was the last time I blogged and I'm lazy to check where I last left off. But whatever it is my life is still as tiring and stressed out as it is. No matter how I see that it'll get better, it somehow just doesn't. It's like "Why have the faith and hope that things will get better when every single time it just doesn't?"

I'm just gonna copy this whole damn article that I've read a few moments ago. Because thank you whoever who wrote this, it is exactly how I felt about my past few weeks.

"I want honesty. Brutal, raw honesty. Ignorance is not bliss, not to me. I want to know if a girl hit on you at the bar and I want to know how you responded. I want to know if a girl is texting you, if she’s flirting with you and how you’re dealing with it. I want to know if when we were just seeing each other there was someone else, even if it meant nothing. Even if you were drunk. I want to know it all.

I want your loyalty to me to be more important than protecting me from the truth. I can deal with the truth, I can get over it. We can discuss it. But a lie? Withholding the truth? I cannot deal with that. I cannot forgive it. 

You see, a lie is never just a lie. A lie is a promise of things yet to come. A lie is you choosing yourself over me. A lie is me always wondering where you are and who you’re with. A lie is me not believing you even if you are telling the truth. Because if you’ve lied once, why wouldn’t you do it again?

A lie is a constant unease, a constant question spinning inside my head. A lie is trying to understand the way your face looks when you’re being honest so I can know when you’re not. A lie is suspicion and broken sleep. A lie is a twisting inside my stomach. A lie is the end.

So promise me you’ll be honest, even if it hurts me, even if it breaks us. Promise me you’ll be honest even if it’s unnecessary, even if it means nothing. Promise me you’ll tell me it all so I can love you with everything I have. So my vulnerability doesn’t choke me. 

Promise me your secrets will be my secrets. Promise me you’ll hold my heart in both hands and not let it slip. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not in the years to come. 

And I promise you, I’ll trust you as recklessly as I love you. And maybe, just maybe, we will last forever."

It's really this easy for me. I just want a relationship with us telling each other how are daily lives were, telling each other of nothing but the truths. This is so important to me. This is a principle I can never let go no matter how much I love a person. Because that's all there is in a relationship. Trust. Honesty. Of course that together comes with communication. Without all of these there are really no base at all in the relationship. We're just torturing ourselves being in the insecure zone, constantly wondering whether I'm being lied to again. 

Relationship problems aside, school has been rather draining. Even though I only school 3 days a week..... BUT it's all squashed into 3 days. My brain's like so tired after Mondays and Tuesdays. Study break is in 3 weeks. Holy time flies so fast like what it's already my third week of school.... LOL 

I need an emotional break. 

I'm currently in a very weird grey zone of my life between me and my parents. Somehow everything is falling into place, and yet at the same time, I feel like everything might be gone once a wrong move is made.

So I basically went out on Saturday night with my boyfriend and his friend till about 3ish when I got home. My dad actually didn't say anything? It was like he didn't even know what time it was. And everything was so normal after that too. It's just weird? It's like it has never happened before. It was such a huge risk that I took that night I swore to god. I wish I could do it more often argh. I just don't know. I just feel like there is more bond at night. Like people feel more emotional and close when the night arrives.

I also feel like I shouldn't take advantage of the privilege that's been given to me. BUT I REALLY WANNA GO OUT?

Guess what. The parents also finally decided to change the stupid lock on my gate. And now I have a key which I have no idea how to respond to that.. I DON'T KNOW WHEN GOOD THINGS COME BAD THINGS ALWAYS FOLLOW AFTER. IT SUCKS

I need some bonding time with my boyfriend. We're lacking so much of that. The right time needs to come again. Times when he chooses to randomly open himself up to me. Or make it seem like he really damn interested to wanna hear what I wanna say. Like deep talks. It gives me this chance of entering his dark world. Rarely that door is opened. Waiting for the next chance.

Anxiety issues

"At random moments, I will get this building worry and fear that something isn't right. Everything could be just perfectly fine, but my mind will trick itself into believing that something is wrong. It will convince itself that my life is falling apart. I will worry about one thing one minute and talk 90 to nothing then start to worry about another thing. My mind constantly switches back and forth and will convince itself that things are worse than what they really are. All the while I'm trying so hard to calm myself down, but it is impossible. It will send me into a depression. A depression that causes me to hate myself for being so crazy and irrational at times. This depression is the worst part. It causes me to want to space myself from the world and everyone around me. It causes me to feel alone with my illness, and it will cause me to be too terrified to talk those that are closest to me about what it is that I need from them. I feel needy, and I'm repulsed. But I can't help it."

 I was literally panicking inside so much because of so much anxiety for the first day of school. I know deep down it's all gonna be okay because it's just lectures. How bad would it go? But my mind just wouldn't stop giving me anxiety attacks. This is the exact article I need my boyfriend to understand. Literally word for word I relate to it. It is everything I need him to understand about me. 

"You see, there's something those of you who don't suffer from anxiety need to understand: WE CAN'T CONTROL IT. No, it doesn't make us crazy. We don't need you to tell us that we are acting crazy. We are already well aware of this, and telling us that will only make our condition worse. It will come at the most inconvenient times. When it happens, just please be patient and understanding with us. The attack will eventually pass, and when it does, we'll be back to normal. The worst thing you could do is bring up anything we were previously worrying about. Doing so will only trigger another attack. Understand that it's you and us vs. the illness. We hate it, you hate it, we're on the same team here. The best thing you can do during an attack is just listen, and know that there are times we need you to hold us, and times we need you to leave us alone. Know that sometimes you'll be the trigger for the attack. Don't take it personal. And please, for the sake of humanity, don't tell us that we're overreacting, that we need to calm down, or that worrying isn't going to make anything any better. If we could stop worrying, don't you think we would have already?"

I've been constantly trying to explain this torturing feeling I have inside me. As closed up as I am as a person, towards dylan I just feel like I need to share my entire soul with him. I'm really scared to give him the feeling like I'm asking for a lot. Because honestly I know myself I need a lot of attention (written about this on another post before), so much more compared to any other human being. Sometimes it even gets so overwhelming even I can't handle myself. 

"Dating someone with an anxiety disorder isn't easy, at all. It requires giving that person a lot of attention that you normally wouldn't have to do. That doesn't mean the sufferer constantly needs you to be stuck up his or her butt 24-7, but it does mean that when he or she is under attack you need to be there"

Due to my boyfriend's job scope, I can't have him whenever I want. But it does give me the feeling like I really need him when I'm having such anxiety attacks. Hence the feeling of sadness when he gets hella busy. But I don't blame him either. And neither do I want him to feel like I'm asking a lot and I need him to be there and then. It's not. It's really not. It's like this is my own mental state that I have to deal with myself. I cannot bring my own craziness to someone who have so much to deal with. But I hope he understands at the same time that when I feel sad it's not entirely because of him. If I'm sad I'm sad for the situation that I'm in, not sad because dylan is not beside me. There's a difference.

I'll slowly deal with this. Gotta deal with this. I can deal with this :) 

Tomorrow's the first day of school. Finally? I don't even feel excited. Because the area is sooooooo secluded. I don't even know where are the good spots to chill. What do I do during long hours of breaks? I feel like I'm too lazy to socialise.

How did the weekends flew so fast?

We fought over terrible miscommunication on Friday night. I spent the whole day looking at him sleep. That wasn't really a problem to me honestly. Because I know he was damn tired. So when I reached back home I just thought like since he slept the whole day maybe now he's a little awake? That's what I thought it was. I kinda was a little tired when I got home. But I kinda just didn't wanna sleep? I just wanted to talk to him I just felt like even though I was with him the entire day it kinda felt like I wasn't. But he kept rushing me to bathe so he could sleep. At least that was how it seemed like to me. So at that point of time I was not happy with the fact that he wouldn't like try and spare maybe just half an hour to chit chat a little?

After I bathed I wanted to sleep. But he took the initiative to stay up a little longer even though he was so tired already so after talking awhile I felt less sad. Then when we were about to say goodnight all the crazy misunderstandings miscommunications started to happen. Maybe because he was so damn tired he just got so confused with what I was saying. He misunderstood me to the max and we just flared. I get very scared when he starts treating my words like I'm nagging or talking too much. Because that's when I have no idea whether I should stop talking? Or just continue talking. It's so hard to not make him angry when he's at that state it's like everything I say it's just gonna make everything worse no matter what.

After some time he decided to just call me because he was constantly reading my messages wrongly and all. I don't know how I don't know what miracle happened.... But he managed to tell me how he felt. It was so hurtful in a certain way but it gave me room to explain what it is not what he is thinking at all. If he didn't tell me how he felt, I wouldn't have known that I was giving such vibes to him and he would just continue feeling miserable about it.. I love such talks with him. I really love to hear him say things. But it's so rare and it's really the only way for us to not fight. For him to tell me how he feel. I really want to know his heart. For me, it takes sooooo much courage to say what I want to say. So much. That's why I always end up in tears because anything that has to do with heartfelt words, it's just so hard to say.

I wish for us to communicate more... It's really the only thing for us to feel closer to each other, for us to understand each other better. We can do it, right?

It's 2.20am. I've tried multiple times to sleep but I just simply can't. I'm really sleepy though. Pretty much wanna drop a text to him but everytime I want do I just got reminded of how mad he was that I wasn't asleep. 😓😪 Wouldn't wanna go through that episode again.. Who do I turn to now if I can't sleep.. 

Reading through the first few posts I posted from Sep 2014 onwards ever since I knew you.. I can't believe how things have changed... Reading this at 2.43am makes me wanna cry... 

I don't want us this way.. I wish I could relive our first 3 months... :'( My heart.. 

Bring me back in time.. :'( 

NOOOOOOOO I wanna talk to someone right now..... It's fucking almost 3am in the morning who the fuck can I talk to omg cries. I don't know how's tomorrow morning gonna turn out. Fuck my life is he gonna scold me is he gonna get angry is it wrong for me to feel this way???? It's so long ago but I can't believe I just found out?

It's not about thinking that he did something wrong. I still trust he wouldn't do such a thing to me cuz I just know he wouldn't..... It's about how I trusted him and yet....???? Oh my god i had NO IDEA AT ALL....??? Oh my god I know I've done my fair share of hiding something... I feel so tortured by it but I'm trying my best to be the best I can. And even when I hide that it was because I felt ashamed of it and that made me realise what kind of people out there and how he is not like this. So a blessing in disguise, it made me love him even more.... I was actually glad he found out because after that I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE ANYMORE AND I FELT SO RELIEVED. I'm saying this now because I'm so stressed he'll use this incident to shoot me YET AGAIN..... But really I've only done wrong once.... And i apologised for so many times and I just feel this incident shouldn't be an excuse to cover up his mistakes.. Someone please PLEASE PREDICT WHAT IS GONNA HAPPEN TMR MORNING I'M NOT PREPARED TO QUARREL :'( I just need an explanation....

I remembered how tortured I was at Stand chart because it was my first week of work and yet he chose to go Bang bang omg please save me I CAN'T

Omg i fucking hate night times what the fuck I am fucking alone right now thinking of so many shits and it's just hella polluting my god damn mind and all I can think of is "No i still fucking love him I just need an explanation." I feel like I just got myself in trouble by sending him what I sent. I don't even know.

I can't believe I found this out on our monthsary you gottaaaaa be kidding me I'm so stressed right now I can't sleep NOOOOOOO :'( WHAT IF HE FLARES AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY YET AGAIN SOBS THIS IS SO BAD

I'm really trying to be the best I can.... I know that's the past already. I'm gonna let it go..  Just gonna wish for an explanation and "you know already you will be angry" is not an excuse...

Reading super duper old messages like from when we first knew each other at this timing is making me so emotional.. How did I managed to not be so clingy in the past? I feel so weak now. Is it a bad thing.... :'( I can't believe I'm willing to give up my world for this guy right now... I just don't know if he's willing to do the same.. Would he be willing to break down his walls for me...?

Does he know how much I really truly changed after I got attached? My world has always been revolving around him and its a choice I made.. I chose to prioritise him above anything else. I don't wish to go places he would feel insecure about. If i wanted to party I would wanna go with him so he wouldn't feel scared. I know I just want him and I would never do anything to make him feel scared or insecure about the relationship...

How come right now I feel so powerless? I can't believe this...

I'm like upset at the whole situation and yet? I miss him? I'm so thankful tomorrow is book out day...?  But I deserve to know the truth and only the truth.... Don't i...? That's the least I ask from someone I truly care about... To not hide anything from me.. It's really all I need to be secure...

This whole damn post has no link at all cuz I've literally just been typing what I'm feeling since 2 plus till now which is almost 5am and I just still can't sleep. So yes fuck it who gives a shit about a well written post and this is how messy my head actually is.

I think i should head to bed..

PMS PMS PMS...... But not only that my stomach hurts like CRAZY argh so crazy I hate this.

Random long talks with Amanda and it got me reminded of something and it's just making feel kinda like meh. And somehow I don't feel like bringing up this topic anymore because it's been brought up so many times I feel so old and naggy already. He's gonna repel against me, if I continue on, sigh. Sometimes I think why is this even a problem in the first place. If only ciggarettes didn't exist. 

I don't have a problem with smokers. But I kinda do when it comes to someone dear to me. If he continues smoking, next time if we have a child, he or she is gonna think it's okay to smoke because daddy does so. I don't want my child to grow up in such an environment.

Nowadays he says he'll smoke only when he's stressed or angry... That's like almost most of the time actually lmao.. I really don't know how he's like in camp... A part of me don't wanna know and a part of me wishes he'd just be honest with me. He also uses the excuse that he's considered a social smoker now. Noooooooo you are not because you are once a heavy smoker so any stick you get it's heaven for you and you're supposed to NOT touch it at all... (That's if you even wanna quit I guess..) His tolerance for smoking has been so low recently I just blame myself for not being that much worth as compared to the past. And it sucks. 

Then..... Another thing. "Only cigarette will cool me down. Only cigarette can make me feel better." The first time he told me this I was utterly hurt. Cuz I feel hella useless as a girlfriend. It was always my wish to make sure no matter how rebellious a guy is, I would be able to calm him down because of the love I give. It's totally not working on him. Worse is somehow I'm the one who makes him smoke. A fucking cigarette takes over a job a girlfriend is supposed to do. How am I supposed to feel about this? 

The second time he told me I knew he was serious about it. Honestly that day I actually knew only cigarette could solve that situation.... And it's damn fucking sad? Becuz I'm fucking useless. Why can't I make him feel better instead I make him feel worse? The person who once said I was worth quit smoking for, is now smoking because I made him mad and no mood. 

I can't get over it. Now everytime he's angry he's gonna smoke, to cool down. If not the situation will not get any better. It sucks to know this is how it is. I am kinda scared to ask him about this. At the same time I wish there was another way to it. Hais. Sometimes I wish I was a smoker. Then everyone's life would be so much easier. 

Sigh I need help sobs