Hey

I feel like its been so long since I last post but no it's only been probably a week or so.

Recently my life's been pretty damn mundane. Maybe a lot of happenings but I guess it's been settled already so there's nothing much for me to update over here.

Me and Liqian drank at my place last Wednesday and it was such an awesome experience. Like I've never actually went to buy alcohol to drink with someone at home, ever (Even though there's a lot of alcohol at home). It was a super last minute decision because me and baby got into an argument and it couldn't be solved because of communication break down again.

I'm so used to writing everything in detail. I'm so used to making sure that I've got every point of mine written down. Whereas for Dylan his mind cannot process long paragraphs and is super selective in the words he see. Sometimes not even the sentences, it's the words. Like words that associate with unhappiness would probably be "Whatever" "Fine" "Yeah.". If I put those words into a sentence it might come out differently, like it wouldn't be like showing unhappiness already. But he only sees that one word and makes a whole different meaning out of that sentence. "Whatever you feel like eating" "You can do whatever you want if it makes you happy" These two sentences are used with "Whatever" but it does not mean it's an unhappy sentence. "Whatever" is just a longer and more descriptive word of "What".

Haha there are those days where I do get frustrated overtime. Because okay I get that he's busy. But like when someone points out a mistake that you've made in your wordings or something, the least you could do is probably like remember the mistake and not make it again right? For him I have to say at least 3-5 times. This shows that I can never ever be a teacher. Because students will drive me to my grave.

So yeah back to argument, yeah because of total communication breakdown we got into an argument. But surprisingly we managed to be calm and cool and he managed to try and put in the messages I was trying to get across. Which is awesome. I hope for more days like these where we can actually talk things out, be calm and actually LISTEN to one another. It's too damn obvious for Dylan when he just doesn't listen and when he does.

Haha there are days when I do think though, why do I attempt to always try and HELP someone out? Like really in general. It's like I've put him into my life so much so that when he does something that is morally or socially wrong, I become a mother and tries to correct him. I always forget that Dylan is Dylan, I am me. We have both grown up differently and there are many things that is out of my reach to change. I now understand why couples have to have things in common, have basic moral and social skills that they agree to. Many times we fight because we cannot understand how each other's mindsets are like. Even if socially 90% of the population gets what I'm saying, I always forget he will always be the 10% that doesn't.

Example. I've changed throughout my years. Through the people that have shaped me. And he has definitely been one of them. I don't diligently change myself but I just change as I experience new things new problems etc. But he's different. He has walked the wrong path before. He has met wrong friends in the past. He has somehow grown up wrongly. So for his case he has to diligently build up himself again to match the society.. He always think that I'm constantly trying to change HIM to another person but really it's just trying to tell him that he CAN be a better person to fit well into the society.

As much as we want to live in our own world. The society doesn't allow you to. If you do things that the society doesn't accept, you'll get laughed upon. Yes I understand "Don't care about judgements don't listen to what others say listen to yourself." But again, other people's judgements and thoughts will give you room to improve yourself. I'm not saying the downright "Fuck you i hate you" kinda comments. More like those "Hey your anger is getting out of hand" "Hey why the hell is he so unreasonable" "He need to be less lazy" These kinda comments are more constructive and you can actually use that to make yourself a better person. You're not changing to prove anyone wrong. You're using their nonsensical words as a push to make YOU yourself a better person.

Yeah I've finish my aunty lecture on life.

My legs are FULL of mozzie bites and I'm going a little damn insane right now cuz it's pain and itchy. MEH. And also I've learn how to cook normal things and I'm pretty damn proud of myself.

No limits

No limits to anything and everything.

It's like the moment I say yes means "Ok I can just do as much as I can" I can't believe he don't even feel like we haven't been talking because of his damn game. It's like it has happened before and yet he hasn't learnt from it. And because now it has happened before I think I can't be bothered to actually say anything anymore even though it kills me. It's like if he doesn't know his limits then so be it. What's the point of even saying how I feel if he's gonna just say "you're thinking too much" and "don't think so much"? I remember when it happened in the past he said "Have I ever stopped you from going out with ur friends or stopped you from playing ur games? No right?" Now I finally know. It's because I do not neglect you. I do not spend so much time on it and just leave you there doing ur own things and make you miss me like crazy. You are comparing both because it's the same things but we both handle it in a different way. 

Outside of army, consistently texting army people, maybe understandable if it's work related. Inside of army, constantly playing game with army people, busy with army work and sleep. Where's me? Where's fucking me? "I didn't neglect you" U didn't neglect does not mean I do not feel neglected. I've already felt it since last week and he literally does not feel anything at all. It's like he can do whatever he want and I'll forever be there waiting for him. It's like because I never ever neglect him and even if I do, it's so much effort just to make him feel how I feel and yet still nothing. He can be on whatsapp like not even go offline when talking to his army guys but for me, regardless of how freaking fast i reply I can never see him stay online that long. I can't be upset over anything I can't feel a bit left out I can't feel like legit any feeling if not to him it'd be me being unreasonable or not understanding.

It's like something big has to happen for him to finally direct his attention to me. And after probably a month everything is back to taking everything for granted. taking my time for granted. My presence and just yea. 

What's the point of talking if the other party doesn't seem to be listening to you? They may be physically there or just virtually there replying, but nothing, simply nothing is entering their memory. It's not me saying all these just cuz I want to say it. It's all proven if not I wouldn't have even said it. 

I seem to be talking to my friends way more than him because they seem more interested and seem more active in talking to me than him. I told him just now that I don't feel like he's missing me and I feel like it's always me thinking so much about him and missing him so much. It's proven the amount of things I think about him how many things I observe about him etc. He can't even remember a show I've mentioned a million times throughout our relationship. Every single time I say the title he would never fail go like "What's that". What's so hard to remember the small things of my life? Its like I can say so many things and not show it and then blame the other person for not feeling it. Do you ever think about me or is it just all about you? In his head it'd be like "I never do anything wrong. I think it's ok" "No not my fault she feeling sad it's ok" instead of "Shit she's feeling sad... Whatever it is just let me try to cheer her up" "Shit noo I don't want her to be sad is there anything I can do to make her feel less sad?" Why does he always have to wait till I feel like ultimate shit already then try to solve the problem instead of just constantly keeping problems away by everyday's efforts...? 

Never ending obstacles. I guess I'm supposed to be okay with all of this. 

I saw this on social media and thought I'd try and explain why some girls actually DO NOT wanna explain or say how they are feeling to their other halves. 

In the picture it says "Give them the chance to listen, give them the chance to understand. Let them love you." But when you're together with someone long enough you'll know certain things are off boundaries to their ears. You just know there are certain things that they just simply do not want to hear and if ever we try to speak up, it'll just lead to arguments or quarrels. Why would we wanna land ourselves in such a state? 

If we know the other person can try and understand where we're coming from, we know we can sort things out and we know that we can get through it properly without causing hurt to one another, who wouldn't wanna say what's on their minds? 

Especially me. I hate so much to keep things in my heart. I hate it so much because it consumes me slowly. All my life I've been keeping things in my heart. Tolerating people's bullshit telling myself they are no one to me so I shouldn't give 10 fucks. I wish for a partner that I can communicate with I can talk about anything under the sky to. That's my only requirement in a relationship. Because I know with communication at hand everything else doesn't matter because we will get through it with communication. 

But seems like now it has come down to the point where I choose to keep things within me. I do not want to get into any fights. I know certain topics are just so sensitive and it sucks because close mindedness is just sucky. It's like as much as I am so quiet I just wanna share my entire life with the people I'm close with. And it sucks when I feel like they are not doing the same back to me. 

Small things like what happen to my everyday life literally if there are anything that has happened to me I'd be so excited to tell someone and that someone for now is obviously my boyfriend. But after awhile it's just like, "He doesn't seem to share anything with me. Am I sharing too much then?" Hai. I realise he only start telling me small things in his life when he happens to be with one of his friends or something.. But when we're alone it's just nothing. No conversation from him.. Meh 

Many times I feel like I'm fighting to be part of his life because he never puts me in automatically. And it's different when people tell you stuff willingly versus you asking the person so many questions. It then becomes questioning session. Like digging for information instead of just a casual conversation.. 

My birthday wish I don't want anything I just want way more understanding between us. It's never just about the surface of matters. 

"Nothing says "I'm sorry" more than corrected behavior after the apology."

Frustrated

I am so irritated frustrated and ANNOYED

Fuck all the exams. My period is late for one fucking week because of it. I am SO BLOATED. My stomach fucking hurts at random timings. And I feel like a fat mother fucking idiot. I totally thought I could like go out tonight. Like IDK everytime when I got time to like go out Dylan's friends never ever jio him. And when I got no fucking time or when the time is not fucking right, he's out. WHICH IS LIKE NOW. WHICH IS SO IRRITATING? BECAUSE I WANTED TO GO OUT. Like the whole fucking day I was so irritated and I wanted to go out and all we did was whine and laze at home with no plans in mind. Immediately after I left he just kept finding ways to go out like mahjong and drinking and just finding Kaki and shit like that. How shitty does that make me feel. It's as if I'M BORING AS FUCK when I freaking keep saying I want to go out.

Everytime he does this I remember the shit he say to me like "Oh cuz u can't go out at night" "Oh I only go out at night the rest of the day I spend with u" MAKES ME FEEL HELLA SUCKY BECAUSE ONE DAY JUST WAIT FOR THE ONE DAY I WILL FUCKING GO OUT WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT ANYONE IN THE WORLD I JUST DONT CARE ABOUT ANYONES FEELINGS ANYMORE FUCK IT ALL BECAUSE ITS ALL ABOUT ME WHO CARES ABOUT ANYONE ELSE

Legit. I don't understand why can't I just live for myself. I don't know why my life is forever revolving around people. "If people happy I happy" "if people don't want I don't want" "If people go I go" Cheebz. I'M SICK OF MYSELF.

Many days I'll just stay home to save money to not spend too much. But just today I wanted to go out and he told me want to save money stay home. THEN HE GO OUT AT NIGHT WHEN I'M ALREADY BACK. I'm so annoyed. I can't hide my annoyance. And I can't respond to "Don't pek" "Don't angry" because thats like bringing someone who's obviously scared of horror movies and telling the person "Don't scared" Wtf

I legit think too much for too many people. For the family too. It's like my brother gets to do everything like to his favour and he gets away scott-free. WHILE I ON THE OTHER HAND, FOREVER FEELING GUILTY IF I GO OUT TOO MUCH, IF I STAY OUT TOO LATE.

Fuck it all. When my inner hell break loose I'll not give 10 fucks to anyone and not hesitate to be the bad person. Cuz being the nice one is tiring and fucked up.

Back to reality

Hai. How did 2 nights of perfect life ended so quickly...

Was crying hysterically yesterday night knowing all the happy moments will come to an end after the staycation ends. Was crying cuz I wished so bad that everyday of my life we were just that happy together. I am so so sad just thinking how I can't rewind back to the past 2 days. I am so so sad. :'( Why can't everyday just be like that. And today JUST had to prove that I was right. I knew it.. I just knew once it ends we're back to reality..

I've been feeling so unappreciated. Like everything from his birthday "surprise" to his stupid phone incident that just happened a mere few hours ago.. Just before our staycation we fought. I was thinking why I put so much effort after looking at his Facebook status saying what he wasn't feeling happy cuz of the past few weeks. It's as if I was the one who created everything. Why the fuck I stress so much thinking whether he minded Picard or he really wanted Braun Buffel..

I was totally looking to how he responded when I booked the seafood buffet. I knew how much space his stomach had and I just thought it was the best birthday gift. And guess what, he was overwhelmed by the atas-ness over there and it just spoilt everything. I felt like I spoilt his birthday. Not only that but the entire day he just kept asking me how much was his wallet, how much was the food. DOES IT REALLY MATTER? Can't he put aside everything and just accept it graciously and just think of how much effort I actually fucking spent thinking for his damn birthday JUST TO MAKE HIM HAPPY OR BLESSED OR WHATEVER THE FUCK FEELINGS. I'm not putting that much thought into this post even though I totally should... But yeah I'm just too sad.

So sad.

Today his sister passed him another Note 4 because his spoilt. He spent 6 fucking hours cursing and swearing, not willing to ask or receive help from me. And it made me fume as time passed. Firstly because he failed not once not twice but many million times and he refused totally refused to accept the help that I so willingly gave a million times. So he thought I wasn't an android user so I know nothing and he knows everything huh? I fixed my mother's phone, I fixed my maid's phone. If he could just pass me the damn fucking phone everything would've been fixed in less than 2hours or 1hour or EVEN LESS. Secondly, if he let me fixed it we could've spent the last few hours like ENJOYING EACH OTHER'S PRESENCE before he books in. Thirdly, he had the audacity to say that I was shouting to him when he seriously had such mother fucking huge ego issues that I HAVE NO IDEA COME FROM WHERE. He could still tell me that he didn't ask for my help and told me to shut up and just seriously SHUT ME FUCKING OFF. I was so fucking mad. Even up till now I am. WHY MUST I FUCKING HELP, FUCKING PLAN FUCKING LIKE DO EVERYTHING TO THINK FOR HIM, ONLY TO GET SCOLDED AT, TO GET SHOUTED AT, TO NOT BE APPRECIATED AT FUCKING ALL.

DO I FUCKING DESERVE THIS. I was fuming even when I was bathing. I came out of the toilet and opened mother fucking Facebook and saw his post THANKING HIS GOD DAMN FACEBOOK FRIENDS FOR WISHING HIM WHEN THEY DID NOTHING. AND NO FUCKING CREDIT FOR ME AT ALL. NONE. N O N E. NONEEEEEEEE.

I'm done ranting. I'm a sad mother fucker. I'm so unappreciated I just wish to die. Either let me die or just rewind to 2 days ago. And let time be stuck there.

Overwhelmed by the sadness and disappointment

I can't put a thumb on how I'm feeling exactly. It's been a crazy long ride but my heart's definitely been bleeding today. I don't know how I feel. I don't know what I want. As much as he hurts me like crazy sometimes if he manages to say the right things, I do feel even more pain but I just can't help to love him more.

A heart to heart talk now would be great. Maybe a few drinks.. Maybe a few honest words from deep down..? Maybe a warm genuine hug.. Let me drown.. I don't want to cry but it's making my heart bleed more. I'm weak now.. And I wish to be protected. I wish to say everything I wish I could say but I can't.. The simplest things like how much I wish to run to him even though we haven't solve the fight.. How much I wish he knows deep down I just really want to love him :'(

I need a medicine to stop me from crying. :"(

I need you :'( Like right now.. But he's not available now.