The unspoken game; The end of 2013 and the start of 2014

Alright so it has come to the end of the year. How time really just flies past… It's so crazy. Because I really feel like this year barely started. I can remember almost everyday very clearly. How I got close to some of my friends, what kind of feelings I felt throughout the year etc.. It's almost scary…

I've gotten closer to people I never thought I would be close… I also lost friendships. Well not exactly lost but because of certain things that have happened throughout the year, I've lost the closeness I have with them. You might think like, hmmmm how is it that our friendship is that fragile huh? I guess everyone's just different. Sometimes things just change. & we gotta adapt to that change regardless of what. It's really sad, especially when you think back over the memories that we all once had together, it's just quite a pity. However, if things are not meant to be, then it wouldn't be. This goes for everything in life, really.

Because of that, it has really made me treasure the relationship I have with my family and friends a lot more. Especially my family? I barely get to talk to them even though I see them everyday. Everyone of us are busy with our schoolwork/work. We all have our own problems to deal with. That's why I look forward to getting out of Singapore. Always. Forever. You might ask me why wouldn't I miss my friends in Singapore? I do. Just not as much sometimes because I really hate getting deep into relationships (this means friendships k). It hurts me. A lot. If i ever know they don't feel the same way as me. I know it's just a way of life. I know that's how life is supposed to be. We're supposed to get hurt and shit like that. I've been through shit like that to know how much I should put effort into a relationship. I have been through it again this year. When I treat you as a good friend I really do. But if you don't, or if you only treat me like some wall that you can lean on and nothing else, goodbye to you because I really hate being a wall. Of course I have my clique with me. Those are the people that I'll never let go. It's hard to find people who are on the same page as you. & I've had them near me all the time. I just didn't know how to express my love for them.

As for school, we all know I haven't been progressing as much as I wished I would. Maybe sem 2 of year 1 I've bucked up a lot… & then here comes my downhill. Sem 1 of year 2 was a disaster. I lost total motivation for Contemp. Not that I had much motivation to begin with. But I really feel like the teachers affect me a lot. It's not that I don't want to ask questions or anything like that. It's just….. hard for me to express my thoughts out to people. I suck at hiding my emotions. That's for sure. But I don't know what to say when people ask me about it. I know the expressions on my face quite burden la. Like people know I'm upset but I just refuse to say why or what they can do to make me feel better. I just can't. It's just me. Sharing problems with someone else really isn't an easy thing for me. I don't seek advice from my parents. Because we just think differently.

I was also super sad when Mycs left Singapore… It is so sad how every time I just get close to a certain person, that person leaves… "If I could change the world overnight, there'd be no such things as goodbyes.." She made me love hip hop a lot… Not that I didn't love hip hop before that. It's just that she got me exposed to the hip hop world. It was really pretty sad she had to go back to her country… Just when all of us were getting comfortable with her around… She was one of the biggest reasons why my Sem 2 of year 1 was so smooth and exciting.. That's why I felt so empty during Sem 1 of year 2. I had no time for classes outside at all. I felt like I just danced because I have to dance. Nothing is fun anymore. Everyday is a just "you better get this right or else you just go and die" kinda feeling. I guess I put myself through this… The only thing that I tell myself everyday is that… Every one of my classmates are going through the same thing as me. If they can pull through, why can't I? I wasn't going through this myself. I think the only problem I have that others don't, is that i over-stress for nothing!!!! BUT…. I feel so useless when I don't stress. I feel like the teachers think I slacking if I don't stress. & I hate it. Because when I try, NO ONE SEES IT. When I don't, they start picking on me. That contemporary teacher in particular. Up till now I'm still super irritated with her and my attendance. I really wish she's not my teacher next semester. I really rather kill myself in albert's class and reach somewhere, than to be in her class and feel like shit.

Another highlight of 2013, I fractured my feet for the first time ever during halloween. One of the most horrible feelings ever. I can't believe I thought it was just a minor sprain when I just injured it. I still remember attempting to continue practicing for the jazz assessment piece despite my injury. It was so bloody painful. T_T I hated how I was such a big fat burden to my parents and my friends. I was so thankful that Cher Melissa and Amelia was there to help me out. I really was. I'd be lost without them because I felt so dependent on them…. I took that period to know them better. Even though we've been classmates for like almost 2 years already but yeah~~~

Of course I wouldn't be able to get through school without Andrea and Jingwen, the 2 who have been there. Almost everyday. Last year we were 5 people. Remember Afiq and Shafiq? Yeah. So things right now's just…. yup. I really do miss Afiq a lot. Like ALOT. He might not miss me because I probably didn't really impact his life but I miss his company a lot and his noisiness. No one can ever be noisier than him I swear. However I've gotten a lot closer to Becky and Rif. These 2 people made me look forward to the end of a school day everyday because we always hung out after that. It was fun to slack around and just talk about things. I loved the random heart to heart talks I have with Jingwen… I always feel comfortable talking to her about anything. It just makes me tear.. Maybe because I've been keeping it in for far too long and when I finally tell somebody, it just feels good? I'm also happy that Andrea tells me her problems first. It feels good to know that I come to her mind first when she needs to tell somebody something. There are many times I feel like we drifted away because she has her other friends but…. I guess as long as she still has me in her heart, it's enough for me. I can't be greedy can I?

I will also never forget the surprise party Yvonne and Liqian planned for me for my birthday. This year's birthday was just horrible (excluding the surprise). I spent it in school doing classes I had no motivation for. & Then I had rehearsals for a performance I had no confidence in. I just didn't even know what I was doing in school. I was kinda sad no one really made me felt special that day? I even remembered crying on the streets while I was walking over to Pomo for Kayte's class. Her class made me soooooo much better. If you don't know, Kayte and I has the same birthday!!! Her class made me gained back the confidence to continue rehearsing. My initial plan was to go home after her class but I went back to school again. I felt so horrible and irresponsible for leaving. I went back and realised Andrea and Shafiq were actually supposed to surprise me but they were too late? Oh wells…. Still sad but yeah. I went home with a heavy heart. I remembered my mom was so generous that day she offered to take me home. So yeah I was just quiet the entire trip home because of how bad my day was. & there I saw 2 of my best friends carrying a cake and singing me the birthday song in my room…. My fugly teary reaction was all caught on tape. So embarrassing…. But it made my night really. The fact that they took an effort to plan all this. I don't really care if it's last minute or what. All i care is that I am actually important enough for them to plan such a thing for me. My 18th is now such a memorable day.

Kayte felt like an elder sister from another mother… I felt like I could click with her the moment I saw her? I don't know. I felt like she had high hopes on me the first time I ever went to her class. Even though I wasn't that good she just kept pushing me on! It was as if she already knew me even though I didn't really knew her yet. That feeling was really actually quite amazing. She was a teacher, a friend and a sister to me during the holidays… It was so nice to learn so much from her and hang out with her. She really just felt different from all the other teachers I've had in my entire life. Such a pity when school started, I just did not have anymore time to spare… I really need to go back to her classes..

Also 2013 has been a year that made me felt something I haven't felt in ages. I doubted myself for 2 months straight. I didn't know if what I was feeling was right. I didn't know if I just liked the feeling of being around this person or if I really liked this person. I didn't dare to tell anyone either because what if what I was feeling was just a temporary thing. 1 Month after 1 month I told myself this thing that I'm feeling would disappear. Even after I acknowledged the fact that it was indeed feelings that I had for this person, I still thought that maybe during the holidays this feeling will just disappear into thin air.

Little did I know, things just got…. so different to what I had saw in mind? I didn't want to make my feelings obvious? Initially I just wanted to be a good friend. Someone maybe he would trust enough to tell me things that's going on in his life? I don't think I did though?! But apparently people have been telling me they just knew that I had some feelings towards a certain somebody… Which was just weird because when it comes to things like this I really…. cannot show my feelings well. I really can't. & I'm envious of people who are able to. Really.

Okay back to how things are so different right now. Well things were all going so well. Like everything I wanted was actually happening to me when I was in Europe. Before Europe I told myself I'd use this trip to get over the infatuated feelings I had within me. Obviously that didn't happen. Because, things changed when I was there…. & we actually got closer?? For like 2-3 days I couldn't understand and I couldn't accept that it was reality. It felt like a dream. Like why all of a sudden things changed so much?! I got scared as each day passed by because I was afraid that if I came back to Singapore, things will go back to the way it was. & I didn't want that. But when I came back to Singapore, nothing really changed?!?!?! Oh my god my heart cannot stop jumping. Like seriously it's just…. so amazing yet scary because we all know we're in deep shit if we start crushing on somebody.

Sadly, now that school is almost starting soon… I guess we have no time for each other? We've been talking less… because he has work. His work makes me wait 12-24 hours just to talk to him for a short while. I miss him a lot, really. But I don't know how to say. Even if I did say anything it probably wouldn't have impacted as much as if he said it to me? The fact that I liked him first already made me on the losing end? No matter what I do, I'll still be the one losing out. I wanted to see him even if it's just a short one hour. I haven't talk to him face to face in so long it's really nerve wrecking. The last time I saw him…… the whole atmosphere was just horrible and shit. Now because he's so stressed for school, I don't know what I should do about it. He makes me so confused. He still gives me mixed signals. I feel like I should pull back too because of that. I don't wanna do too much either because after all we are just friends. The last thing I would wanna be is a burden to him. I'm actually quite meh about new years because we're talking less right now… Will things change? Are things already changing? I don't want to be so excited to see him when maybe he doesn't even really bother…? Ok that's how i'm feeling right now. The feeling he's giving me.

This part of the post was initially supposed to be up before I left for Europe. But then I didn't have the guts to post it in case my feelings were too exposed. So yup I didn't. Then now that I've read it again, I thought it was too relatable for me to not post it. I saw this post a friend posted and I thought some of the things he said were very true. I love his page because he always posts things that are really relatable to me or teens/young adults of our ages.

"It’s a complicated game. Love. Or the could-be maybe love game. It’s tiring. It’s confusing. It’s uncertain. There are even times the mixed signals get perceived wrongly.

A girl might think that a guy is into her.. but he isn’t. Or not yet. A guy might think the girl is not into him.. but she already is. And it scares her.

And it’s exactly why we play the games that we do. Because we’re trying to figure one another out hopefully without getting ourselves hurt. Because the one who admits falling first will hurt the most.

In this game of falling, the moment has to be perfect. Two people who are attracted to each other have to both come to the point of mutual affection at the same time.. because here’s the sad truth, whoever confesses first (and when the other person isn’t ready).. loses. 

You developing feelings and confessing too soon might scare him/her off. He/she might back off because maybe they feel you’re getting too serious too soon while they’re still at the “figuring out” stage.

Just because we love, loved or still love someone.. doesn't meant we can expect or demand the one we have feelings for to feel the same way for us.

Feelings take time to grow in or out of. That’s the most painful or potentially beautiful part. As 2013 comes to an end, i'll remember it as the year I fell for someone.. but I fell first. Too soon."

I quote him word for word. Everything he said hit me with so much impact.. Even up till now. I'm just a confused fuck. I don't even know what's too much and what's not. Whether I should just don't give my all or you know…. don't care? Where is this even going? Then I saw another post that I could relate too so well. Or maybe it is happening to me. & I'm just too dumb to realise. 

Click it: "No one deserves Secondhand Love" 

Maybe all this while I was just somebody convenient. Like this person doesn't miss me because he has feelings for me. More like I'm always there and if I wasn't, it'd just be weird. Then again I wasn't ALWAYS there for him. There were times I was just too confused over what kind of relationship it was between me and him that I just couldn't do anything. I refuse to do anything! So I take a step back. I'm not confused about how I feel for this person. I'm confused over how much I am willing to give to this person. I guess at the end of the day it still comes down to whether or not I'll get hurt and I'm probably doing nothing because I DON'T WANNA GET HURT? We all know that the more you care for somebody, the more you'll get hurt. I know that & i've been through that tons of times. I've blogged thousands of times about this over the 6 years of my blogging life. 

I don't know man I don't wanna make him feel like he's not trying at all because I kinda know he is obviously trying. I mean if he didn't try trust me I think he won't even talk to me. (I guess… it's reaching that point soon all over again) Lol. I think we all know that by now based on what I've blogged in the past few weeks or months. So I don't wanna say anything. I don't wanna be unreasonable because he's obviously tired. But sigh from my point of view I feel like if i liked someone, I would take just a slight initiative to at least say goodnight so the other party knows that I'm home safe and sound? Argh what the. Maybe it's just me? You know? I just feel like a fool, really. I've never felt so loser-ish before. Like I can't even control how I should feel anymore. It's annoying. I'm getting annoyed with myself, for real. Should I feel this way? Should I care more? Should I not be dramatic and leave it be? What if he's waiting for my text? What if he doesn't even care? What if he just wants me to shut up and don't bother him? So many unanswered questions and it'll probably be left unanswered forever. 

So this has what the year end of 2013 has done to me. It has made me fall. I still don't know if I've started falling yet but yeah I know I'm on my way and if no one's gonna catch me, I'm just gonna have lots of injuries. Not prepared yet. 

In conclusion for 2013, I guess it was a rather….. emotional year? I had many depressing moments. Many. Countless. Though I feel like I've handled it well but it still is depressing when I think about it again. It's hard for me to not think about it. It's part and parcel of life. Definitely not my year. 

I am definitely not prepared for what has to come in 2014. I sense many changes in my life. & that only depends if I have the courage to pursue what I want. If i have the guts to express myself better. We'll have to see I guess? I have decided to not set any resolutions this year. Resolutions doesn't work. At all. I only gave myself 2 simple resolutions last year. One of them did kinda worked out but… Nah we all know it doesn't work. Change happens anytime. It doesn't have to be the start of the year. 

Happy New Year :) 

May 2014 be a good year for me and more good things happen to me.

To everyone else too. My family and my close friends. ♡

Unconditionally

So yesterday Amanda came over to my house for a stay over. Oh well it's actually quite nice to have company at night when I'm in such a wtf state. I think too much I have so many unnecessary thoughts like what the fuck SHUT UP SHAN LOL. I wish i have a room mate… Sometimes it just doesn't feel nice to be all alone in a room.

Okay finally watched Taemin and Naeun's WGM. Can I please just say I am so gonna be like Naeun when I'm in a relationship….?! Not being able to express myself well…. Shy…. Of course I'm not as girly as her and cutesy. But yes I need a partner like Taemin man. It's so childish and like cute and innocent at the same time. Then at some random point of time there'd be cheesy moments. I love it omg so my kind of love HAHAHA. I can't believe people were actually bashing Naeun LIKE GURL ARE YOU SERIOUS... I am happy that Taemin's found his soulmate. They are so real wtf it's too obvious hello~~~~~ It makes me cringe but I find it sooooooo damn cute and they make me smile so much sigh~ That's how I got through my day. Watching people fall in love~~ I guess that's really one of my fave things to do in life. I mean if you can't fall in love, you watch others fall in love! HAHAHA they are such a cute couple together sighs I'm quite sad that they just announced that they are no longer gonna be on the show!!!! Argh but I'm sure they'll still talk OFF the show like they already have~~~

Haha things felt different this morning. Wells. I think I no longer expect anything already I'm too used to it. I wasn't even supposed to expect anything. Argh really don't know where this is heading to. My confused mind is just never gonna stop being confused. I'm so confused. CONFUSED!!!!!!! :( I'm sad that I feel like a burden all of a sudden. Like "ah shit must text her good morning." I don't know la I got that feeling this morning and it wasn't nice. Because he's so busy and all that jazz and I'm just like…. meh

you know what. NO school's a burden. YOU'RE SUCH A BURDEN SCHOOOOOOOL

Alright I'm a mentally…… everywhere right now. Like there's so many unneccesary thoughts in my head once again.. Sigh.

I shall blog what happened yesterday because… Because.

So I slept the whole day. Watched a few episodes of "Awkward" and slept again till about 5-ish in the evening. "Awkward" is such a relatable show I just don't know how is that even possible. Maybe let's just leave out the sex part but well almost everything else are just… RELATABLE.

Met up with Jazreel and went to Haji. I've never tried sheesha in my life and I thought I would never try it. Apparently not. I did and it was okay at first. It didnt hit me that nicotine lowers your blood pressure. Like what the…. My blood pressure was already not so normal. I didn't eat much yesterday too and I was having the time of the month. -_- We had drinks too. I was feeling weird ALL OF A SUDDEN. It felt so drama-ish like I couldn't even believe it myself. I was looking at Jaz but the things behind her were all starting to blur out. Like the instagram effect where you focus on the person and you blur the background..? Yes that. Then my hearing started to fade off. I couldn't really hear what she was saying. I didn't know what was wrong with me. It couldn't have been the beer because I was only on my 2nd bottle and I've never been like that before?! I didn't even thought that it was the sheesha. It never came across my mind at all…. I told her I needed the toilet. She pointed to me that toilet but I didn't dare to stand up because I know if I stood up, I'll definitely fall. Or rather I was scared that I'd fall. She gave me the "why isn't she standing up" look and repeated to me where the toilet was. So i stood up again hoping she didn't think I was weird.

My seat and the door wasn't even that far a distance. It was less than 10metres. As I was nearing the door, my vision totally gone away. I couldn't see and I couldn't feel and I definitely couldn't hear. I think I pushed the door and I just fell flat on the floor. Everything was so fucking surreal. People were crowding around me asking if I was okay but I couldn't respond at all. I couldn't move nor could I talk. They held me up to the chair and I still couldn't see anything even though I was already in the "awake" state. I could hear though, they said to bring me a glass of water. & that glass of water was a life saviour man. Jaz came in and was so shocked she couldn't even respond. She asked me "LOW BLOOD!?" I was like shit wtf I think so. Only then it struck me that nicotine lowers ur blood pressure. I mean that's what it does what?! I also think that oxygen wasn't able to travel to my brain, hence the blackout. But you know what? I suck at biology so yeah I don't know.

It was such a scary moment…. I rested awhile and then Jaz helped me flag a cab. That wasn't the end of my scary night… Because I haven't seen her in such a long time, it was such a pity that the night was so short…. So we hugged each other real tight and long because I hopped onto the taxi because we never know when we're gonna see each other again. I mean c'mon it's normal right?!

I got onto the taxi, and told the uncle where to bring me. The uncle replied me "why you hug her so tight?" I thought it was just a random question so I just said I haven't seen her in very long. Then he replied "huh so you never see me also do I get a hug?" That was the moment I knew that it was just gonna be one helluva awkward and uncomfortable ride home. & yes I was right. He kept asking me why we hugged so tight. He told me people might think we're lesbians. Wtf i told him in our generation it was so damn normal to hug girls. He replied "HOW IS THAT NORMAL?! YOU HUG ME THEN NORMAL." Omg what was his god damn deal?!?!?!? I didn't answer him. Then he asked how long I haven't met her. I told him a year plus and he asked if I met her coincidentally. I told him no we planned to meet up. & he said "eh then ok la you guys can meet up anytime leh. You see you and me we don't even have each other's number. Want to see each other again also cannot leh." Wa fuck i was so fucking uncomfortable I never answer him again. Then obviously his next move was ask my number. Argh I was so annoyed I just didn't answer him. Of course I didn't wanna provoke him in case he send me somewhere else omg. So i just "ha ha haha" abit here and there la. Luckily it was a short ride and there was no jam. Sigh pies so scary…. Throughout the whole ride he "mei nu" here "mei nu" there and kept looking at me I WAS SO FREAKED OUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA. The day that I decide to wear a freaking dress I had to meet someone like him omg.

I reached home and immediately conked out. Ok not really. I just switched off my lights because lights just give me a bigger headache and lay on my bed. Waited for my brother to come back at 12-ish and then we just hung out and I told him about my horrible experience HAHAHA.. I'm so happy that I've gotten closer to him. It's awesome :)

I had like a weird dream last night. Some bad people kept me and a few other people hostage at a HDB flat and I was the hero in my own dream la obviously. But I didn't dream finish because well, text messages woke me up. I only managed to escape. It was such a scary dream too omg I think it's post-trauma from the taxi ride.

Went to watch the Jackie Chan movie just now with the family and I kinda got a shock? Because I felt like my dream just replayed?!?!?! It was also many people being kept hostage. Except it was in a club/bar.. Jackie Chan was the hero. Ok la I wasn't as heroic as him. Maybe cuz I woke up too early HAHAHA but still…. So freaky how did I dream of something like that and then end up watching a show that was somewhat similar to my dream in the same day!?!? Fyi, I didn't know what the jackie chan movie was about before I watched it. No clue at all -_- But it was an awesome movie~~~ I love movies like that it's such thrilling. Thrilling in a good way, not scary or horrifying way. That kind…. Not my kind of thrill.

Oh well my Saturday ended well. Not well enough though.. I know he's working and all but I'm just sad I can't see whether he's online or not!!! I feel like he's in such a far away place and it's so unreachable. & when I finally get a reply it's like a miracle -_- Lol…. Now I know what he meant when he said this to me while I was still in Europe "When you come online, it feels like you're in Singapore…" I FEEL LIKE HE IS SO FAR AWAY NOW OMG SO RETARDED I KNOW BUT!!!! Now I just gotta admit that even though last seens are killers to the heart but I just can't live without it. At least if it's there I know if he slept already. Or something like that la we are all victims of this last seen shit man I swear. Argh.

Meh killing me softly meh.

Today was a good day out with Amanda. I love random outings because they are the best. Thats why they say unplanned situations are always the best. IT'S SO TRUE. I shouldn't plan ahead of my life. I never ever know if I'm ever gonna wake up the next day. I should just LIVE FOR THE NOW. God I'm such a yolo bitch nowadays I couldn't even care less. -_- Now i'm just kinda annoyed with myself for throwing my problems to her. LOL it's like she's getting live feed from my everyday life. Not even good news.

I feel so unhealthy this whole holiday I can't even. I didn't dance, I eat so much (not really but still unhealthy food), I never exercise, so much alcohol involved….. Sigh the god damn beer belly is gonna come out anytime soon if I'm not gonna stop T_T Oh well but then again… I can only do this during the holidays. So just go all out la fuck I don't even care anymore.. The only thing I haven't done…… Club. When am i gonna freaking get my ass into a freaking club?!?!?! Oh my god everyone is always planning but no one is doing anything. So annoyed. Gah but then again I think it'd be better to club with some of my classmates because they are kinda like….. regular clubbers?? LOL! We shall see. But I enjoy chilling and just drinking and enjoying the wind. It makes me feel nice especially with the people I hang out with.

I can't freaking wait to see Jazreel that irritating bitch thats always too busy for me tomorrow. IT'S BEEN TOO LONG!!!!!! I missed her like shitttttz omg.

Tonight's been one weird night. I feel so connected to that person today I don't even know how it's even possible. Something's wrong with me omg ok bye bye I shall stop creeping myself out.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!

This year hasn't been the most fun Christmas but you know what? I feel like Santa/God has already gave me what I wanted. His happiness and his presence. What more can I ask for? That's all I've been wanting since months ago… in my heart I knew what I wanted but I just didn't want to admit, didn't want to face it. All I thought of was escaping.. (if you never read my previous months posts. Hahahaha……)

Today was the earliest that I woke up every since I came back from Europe. I woke up the moment I heard my phone rang. What a miracle I swear. It was as if I knew who texted me. Scary yet cool. Because he was feeling not that good and all, I couldn't get back to sleep. Haha if you know me well I'd usually wake up once at 11 and then fall right back to sleep again till 2. Yup that's me :B Plus it is Christmas day!!!! How can I let anyone be sad on a Christmas morning!!! Roar to people who make people angry stress or sad on festive days. BUT YA we're happy people now he happy i happy everyone happy woohoo!

I'm currently looking for CNY dresses already. HOW FAST RIGHT?!?!?! I know it's only in a month's time. I rather shop now than to stress later. I hope I can catch up with a few of my old friends before school starts.. I really hope I can!!!!!

Gonna have christmas dinner later on with da fam. BE BLESSED EVERYBODY!!!! HO HO HO!

I'm doomed.

I don't wanna go to a stranger's house to spend my Christmas Eve!? I don't have an excuse not to go either because I have nowhere to go? Or at least I think I have nowhere to go.

Why is school is burdensome? I received a similar letter I received last year. It really irks me how school is forever spoiling my mood. When do you ever see me happy in school? & it sucks because it's the people in school that makes me feel so sucky. The teachers in particular. I'm not talking about my classmates here anymore because they actually kinda bring a lil joy to my life. But that's not what I go to school for what!! I go to school to learn and enjoy what I'm doing and if I'm not enjoying it, how am i gonna pass?! Seriously this whole bullshit is kicking in again.

I see a very stressful 2014 ahead. & I'm not liking it. I am hoping so much that we'll get Albert for contemp but will we survive the entire semester?! Especially me?!?!?!?! Will I be able to take his EXTREMELY HARSH criticisms?! But I honestly prefer his class to Peishan's…. Then again if I start my year on such a freaking negative note, I'm never getting anywhere. SO!!!!~~~~~ I'm just gonna CHIONG and don't even let any negative vibes hit me. I survived the first 3 months of sem 1 well. Haha ok la mainly because I hung out with awesome people you know who are guys are :') I only started feeling negative during the last week of October… Because fatigue was seriously taking over me… And that was how I even got my feet broken in the first place. I can do it!!! Every semester my tolerance level get higher. This time hopefully I can get thru the whole semester.

Now I'm just worried if my feet is fully recovered… Going to the chinese doctor seem kinda pointless now because he keeps telling me the same god damn thing every week. He has dementia I swear. He doesn't even remember me even though i used to go and see him 3 times a week. Sighpies I guess I'm gonna need to rely on Coach Ling.. I know he will help me!!!! Our LASALLE papa! I think I'm going class this Fri. I am not sure yet BUT OH WELL I MISS DANCING SO LETS TRY IT OUT BABY!!

Home sweet home

I AM BACK GUYS :)

The places I been to were very pretty… I've posted photos on Instagram and Dayre if y'all wanna see it. I kinda just want to blog right now but I'm lazy to post photos and shit. Hahahahaha that's me :B I've been to Paris, Amsterdam and Switzerland.. Just a short day at Belgium too.

Just only a short 10 day trip there and everything has suddenly became very different from when I left Singapore. I am not sure of how I'm going to face my reality yet. It's still all a blur. I still feel very surreal. Like every part of this that has happened is just…. unreal. One day I'm listening to "Out of Reach - Gabrielle' and the next I'm listening to "Enchanted - Taylor Swift". That was how sudden everything changed. I'm slowly gaining his trust. Slowly but surely :') I feel happy everytime he checks on me like if I've eaten or if I'm protected from the cold. It's just the tiniest things that mean the most to me.

I'm not prepared for school. My feet's not prepared for school. It has definitely recovered a whole lot but just the thought of jumping jetes again…. I think I just developed a sort of phobia. I don't want to break my feet again!!!!! It has definitely made me treasure my body more but at the same time, created this fear in me. I'm not prepared to see my classmates yet. No it's not because they are bad and all… It's just…. I'm just not prepared to get stressed out and shit. Especially when I'm so lagged behind. I'm just gonna be so stressed in Sem 2. I can already feel it. Plus I probably am gonna be left out in the thesis/collab pieces because I didn't audition whereas all the others are in at least one piece. No school is a no no for me right now. I'm only left with 2 weeks of holidays :( This is so sad. Just thinking about it makes me MEH!!!!!!

For the first time in my entire 18 years of life, I'm free on the Christmas Eve…. because mummy decided to change her annual house party to the 21st Dec, which was yesterday. I was so happy to be able to see all 7 of us in the same room again. It's been too long.. I guess I've said whatever I wanted to say and stuff liddat. No need to get all emotional over here anymore. Hehehe… But it was a good night until the alcohol kicked in.

I guess even though I never ever get drunk no matter how much I drink, it kinda makes my emotions go bait cray cray. Like I start to miss a lot of people in my life. I start to wish they are all in front of me now so I can give them all a big big hug lol. Siao one. Maybe that's its effect on me..

I almost gave up waiting for his message yesterday night. I waited till 2 and I slept. For 45minutes and I woke up thinking I already slept for hours. At 2.45 there still wasn't any reply -_- I can die, really just keel me lol. Still continued waiting. My stupid instincts told me to wait. I know he will reply. So yes he did at 3.30 or somewhere there. So scary. Things I think in my mind and say that it will happen, will always happen. I think I said this a lot of times before. Yes it still happens every single time.

Haven't been feeling good today. I don't know I'm having a lot of bad vibes. I don't really wanna ask anyone anything. Argh fuck why am I always liddat? Like I'm dying to know yet I rather not know. But I still think it's better if I know. Qi si ren. I don't know what am I supposed to feel sia seriously. How come I always can sense this kinda things so well!?!?!?!? Gah angry bird.

I guess it's a good thing that I'm free on the eve but what if no one asks me out!?!?!?! :( Then it'll be the worse eve ever man.. Meh meh meh it's ok i'll just go find something to do. What should I do to cheer myself up? Hmmm

MOMMY'S DAY

Alright so I woke up at 12 this afternoon and went to J8 with mummy and brother to get some necessities. Ended up buying more shoes…. LOL ohmagad you have no idea how crazy my mom's obsessions with shoes are. Like mad mad. Reached home at about 4-ish and I realised I was the only one in the family who haven't pack my luggage… GAH so I just took out all my winter clothings and threw on my bed. I stared at it for 3hours straight because I didn't know what to do with them HAHAHA. 

I can't stand packing for long trips. Winter trips especially it's just so tough…. I have to count the number of undies I have to bring.. Number of socks, whether I brought enough tights and so many other things. Gah so troublesome. So i took out the clothes and just left it there till like 8-ish at night~ Was watching my tv series instead blehehh~ 

I had such a nice picture in mind of how I would surprise my mummy at 12am because it's her birthday. Daddy was in charge of keeping mummy awake till 12 because I know they always sleep before 11. But guess what? Daddy probably had some drinks before coming home. GAH DADDY'S ALCOHOLIC TOLERANCE IS DROPPING AND I'M WORRIED FOR HIM. Ok that's not the point. The point was I was so annoyed with him just now!!! At 10 he came into my room. I told him SOOOO many times not to fall asleep and keep mommy awake. He kept telling me yes yes yes okay. So at 10.45pm I texted him. NO REPLY. I spam texted and still no reply. Obviously he was sleeping… Sigh 

Me, brother, Winnie and Nina were watching The Conjuring before that. It's actually not scary at all…… Am I weird? I didn't really concentrate because I was busy with my phone and stressing out over how I should surprise mummy. 

This is us at night. Don't judge. I don't care we look cute. 

Hahahaha so funny we couldn't stop laughing because all 3 of them DON'T KNOW HOW TO WALK LIKE RATS!!!! They kept making so much noise I was so afraid I'd wake her up and she would know what we're up to! 

So we walked up as quietly as possible and thank god daddy woke up. So we surrounded her and sang her a happy birthday song. HAHAHA she shrieked and woke up. Cutest reaction ever I swear. I should've recorded it BUT EM MAIDS TOLD ME TO HOLD THE BIRTHDAY CAKE. Spencer should've held it so I could recorded everything down!!!! Oh well i guess the best memories are always those in our heads. I'm gonna lock it into my memory forever!!! She told us that we woke her up from her dream hahaha. 

Yayyers I love my hippy mama. 

Now I can really fly off at ease… Even though it was a 5-day wait... I thought well at least he did care or bothered.. :') YOU SEE thats why i never ever wanna take his no-reply to heart. Because idk.. I just know he will text me again if he wants to. GAH WHY DO I SOUND SO PATHETIC I DONT KNOW LA WHATEVER. THAT'S WHAT A FRIEND SHOULD DO. THEY CARE. YEAH :') -psychos psychos psychos self- 

OH and I guess I'm gonna go to Mystica again this year!!!! Hehehe to see my fellow mascot friends and also to be a tourist all over again with my Yvonne!!! Hahaha ever since she went to Perth to study, every time she return she makes me go to places in Singapore that tourists would go. Yes so this time it'd be the Night Safari. Well well well~ I'm actually excited because I just had a random chat with dear Becky just now and she told me there are new characters~~~ OH WELL she gave me the idea to go to Mystica again. So why not~ :B I love her when she's back it makes me so happy you have no idea. I MISS MY OTHER 5 BIRDIES TOO GAH I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE ALL OF YOU :') 

GOODBYE GUYS I'LL BE BACK A WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS!!!!! YAY 

This photo's from last night. According to Nicholas, Ben loves to always take a photo at the end of the night. So yeah here it is :) Hahahaha. I am still not used to seeing Nic and Jackson being botak… They look like 2 good boys…. Hopefully we'll be able to spend new year's eve with them. It would totally end and start my year on a bright note because they are such fun people to be with :) Now my Europe trip would start happily too because yep they were the last people that I met before I'm gonna travel this Tues :) 

I'm also sure I'll come back to Singapore happy too because by then, my clique would be having their hols already and the last member of my clique's gonna turn 18 LIKE FINALLY and it's near Christmas!!! Weeeeheehee I foresee a good December :) 

Woke up at 11 again today but I fell right back to sleep. Why does my body clock always attempts to wake up at 11 knowing that I will still sleep till 2? Lol man just let me sleep!!! Hahaha stupid body. 

Today's such a cold cozy day again!!! Love the weather LOVE IT. Well it's nice when I don't have to go out~ Wheee~ Stayed home and rewatched Gossip Girl~ I just love Gossip Girl. Mummy told me to pack my luggage today. But meh the thought of having to pack for so many days…. Such a turn off. I'll just do it tomorrow.. Hahaha! 

COZY SUNDAY TOMORROW'S MONDAY BUT it's gonna be a good Monday~ & Then done with shit in SG time to fly away!!!!! Wheeeee!!!!

Awesome end

I woke up this morning with nothing really planned. Just wanted to get some things from town and since mama was at town, I went there to meet here at around 12. Walked around and bought shoes and stuff like that. Bought awesome goodies from Marks and Spencer weehehe happiest part~ :B Came back home at 4-ish and decided to dye my hair. Finally no more black roots brown tips. Happy with the result even though I think it will fade damn fast… Oh well better than nothing!!!!

Had an impromptu meeting with Yvonne and Jackson, Nicholas and Benjamin. Those 3 guys were from my secondary school and I thought I would never see them again… HAHA. Went to Holland V to chill with drinks and all. It was so nice to actually hang out with them and hear them talk about secondary school life. I am still quite shocked at how much Jackson has changed after all this while. If you've been to my school you know he's so well known for doing all the bad stuff.. Like I didn't really knew him. I just knew him because WELL WHO DOESNT LOL. Now he's just so nice and gentlemanly and all it's just so wow. He and Nicholas say army changed them. Hahaha and they've only been in there for a few months!!! But yay they've changed into good people :') The best common thing we all had (except Yvonne) was that we all just disliked Chinese language. L O L!!!!

I still don't understand why alcohol has no effect on me. NO EFFECT AT ALL IT'S JUST SO WEIRD. I want to know what's my limit but I can never reach that limit and it's just so freaking weird.

Went to catch a midnight movie at Cine after that. We were supposed to watch Rigor Mortis but there were no more seats. So we ended up watching "Possessed". It actually wasn't that scary. I just couldn't stand the makeup and sound. Argh I just can't!!! And I was having a terrible headache before the movie started. It was madness. After the movie we just took a cab home. It was already 2plus and Jackson was just feeling super unwell. They paid for everything I don't even know what to say. Yvonne gave $50 to them (Meaning me and her $25 each) but I swear the whole night we spent like at least $60 each. I feel pathetic for saying this but it's the first time ever I have somebody paying for everything.

Ah guys my Saturday night's made :') Hope to have more outings with them next time… I need to have more people like them in my life T_T Was telling them how my entire life now is just filled with gays and bis…. They just laughed at me and Nicholas told me "Nevermind I hope you find a straight hot dancer next time." HAHAHA seriously oh my god they are such awesome people :')

Miracle in December

"You really need new friends." - Liqian

Hahahhahha my Lili… I miss my friends. But when they are on holiday, I won't be in Singapore.

I feel so lonely right now I can't even. I can't wait to get out of Singapore and spent those days with strangers.

Out of Reach - Gabrielle is totally my jam right now. Eh I'm so stupid I can't even. I really need some hot guy to enter my life right now. Don't even need to be my friend or what. Just exist somewhere in my life where I can eye candy. Lol

I didn't sleep the entire night last night. Don't ask me why I just couldn't sleep, until about 7.30 when the sun already rose. I set my alarm at 12pm. But apparently it didn't ring and I slept through till about 1.30. I was supposed to meet Yvonne at 1.30!!! Omg. The weather was so nice and I just kept sleeping. I woke up at 11 but I was so freaking sleepy I couldn't even open my eye so I went back to sleep. Sigh

Reached AMK and went to buy tickets for Frozen. I loved the movie so much. I really don't know why I just felt like for that whole 106 minutes I felt young and kiddy and living in my world fairytale world. To me it was definitely better than Tangled. I definitely loved Frozen more than tangled!!!! It was just like how my fairytale would look like. So beautiful everywhere was so icy… Elsa was so beautiful!!!! I loved the castle that she made herself. So amazing.

We were supposed to watch The Counsellor but there was no more timings… So we went to do this kiddy kiddy painting thingy after the movie. Oh god we sat there for almost more than 2hours. HAHA felt so free. I was so concentrated in the painting I couldn't even think of anything else. It felt so good. Even though we were kinda having a lil heart to heart talk here and there, it didn't really affect me that much because I was too busy colouring my mermaid. 

 The tail's supposed to be teal… But because my toilet's wall is dark coloured, my teal became blackish..

The weather is so amazing… I really believe we will have winter season soon. Ok maybe not that extreme. But hopefully in years to come, the weather will drop to around 20 degrees? Wow that would really break Singapore's record. I think Singapore's lowest temperature was only 22.. 

Tonight will definitely be another sleepless night… But I'm happy today? I'm prepared to leave everyone behind for the next 2 weeks and just enjoy myself in a winter country. I wanna be a kid… Yup growing up is definitely one of my worst decisions in life. Hahahahaha not like I had a choice. Ohwell.

Past

All this time that I have just makes me reminisce the past.

Right now, I'm thinking how I was like 5 years ago and the years in between. How I would deal with relationship issues or friendship issues.. I never changed, for the better, at all. I am still cowardly running away.

I remembered how I gave him up because another girl liked him. I remembered how I told him because that girl loved him more (obviously not), to go after her instead. Of course in my heart I didn't meant it. I wanted him to still hold onto me. But he didn't. For some reason even though we weren't together yet, I felt like he was already mine and it was horrible that she was snatching him away from me. I felt threatened by her even. I didn't know what to do. She was constantly calling me up to see if I was still talking to him and such. I didn't want the ridiculous drama that she has created herself. Hence I gave him up. I knew their relationship wouldn't last. I hated it so much when I read her blog and I saw sweet nothings written for him. I was sure that he still had feelings for me that was why I held on. I felt like a bitch that time because while they were together, I was still talking to him. All along I had this plot in mind that one day he will return to me. & yes he did. At that point of time I felt like it was a beauty battle. Like because she was prettier than me, he went to her. That was why I grew up thinking if I could be prettier, more guys would love me. But that was dumb as shit obviously that wasn't the reason. Because another girl was obviously giving him way more attention than I did, that was why he didn't held on.

Haha yesterday I told Delin that I was cursed to never ever work out with my crushes. He said "cursed by who? your ex bf?" Haha eh maybe leh right? After him I really never had any relationships that worked out. It would always go to a certain extent, and poof.. nothing happened. I think it's just karma hitting me for all the wrong things I've did in the past. Really guys I'm so sad right now. I haven't felt like this in a loooong time. The best part of this whole situation is that, he doesn't like me, at all. Hahahahahaha fuck my life. Why didn't anyone believed when I said he was interested in someone? "No la maybe you la" I'm gonna smack your faces. I really hate how I "guess" something and it always turns out that I'm right. Just let me live in delusion. Let me beeeeeeee. Useless anyway. Because after some time it'd still hit me straight in the face. Might as well get hit earlier right tsk.

Yesterday's weather was soooo cold. Today's a lil warmer but it still feels cooling. I hope in 10 years down the road, Singapore will have winter. Hahahahaha I think by then world end already. :B

Out of Reach

"Morning" guys :)

I didn't sleep the whole night… I couldn't sleep the whole night :( So many thoughts all over the place. I was sleepy at around 6 because I had no one to talk to already. Everyone was sleeping and I was just there waiting for my iPhone game to load it's energy -_- Thats what people say what right… Go find some other things to do instead of just thinking about the thing that's bothering you. Yeah I've been dedicated to this game. It feels kinda like Pokemon but nothing beats Pokemon!!!! So i ended up sleeping for like an hour and woke up cuz I had to go and collect my passport. Came home at around 9ish and fell asleep till 2..

I decided to be more understanding rather than being such a nuisance. So this morning's good morning message was the last of it all, I told myself. LAST AH LAST. I mean if he wants to talk to me I will reply. If not then….. Oh wells. Of course I would want him to share his burden with his friends (or me) but….. (hopefully he does. it doesnt have to be me la sigh.) If I care and yet he pushes me away, there's nothing that I can do. Sigh just hope he feels better soon.

So random but….. I miss Afiq so much. I don't know I've been looking through my photos and he was there in so many of them last year.. Looking at him be that cute kangaroo for Mystica was just wowww. That was a year ago guys. A year ago…. How much things have changed. I am not exceptionally close to him like Andrea and Jingwen but I love how when he was happy he really made all of us felt so happy. I liked how he'd randomly ask where I was if I was missing… Days where we would go home together and then stress over dance together. Ya he's in performance but he stresses with me as well because he is a dancer!!! Talented friend ok :) I love it when I can only hear him and no one else screaming our names during performances. He is another guy that would be talking about his own problems and then suddenly switch his attention to me. Sighs… Maybe I don't mean as much as the rest to him but whatever la. I miss you Afiq!!!!!

Hope my December's gonna be better. A week more till I'm outta here. A part of me doesn't wanna leave because…… I don't know anymore lola. Wonder if anyone will miss me when I'm gone. Always thinking about that question. Just a part though. The rest of me can't wait to get out of here.

Messed up

Oh wells.

Never thought things like that could've happened. Hmmm I feel like it hasn't hit me yet. Weeks ago I named the title of my post "I wanna know yet I don't". Yes until now I still have the same feeling in my heart except I've been exposed to the truth unexpectedly. I feel like my heart doesn't wanna register the truth yet.

I feel like all of these seem so surreal. I finally saw the person I haven't seen in like a week. That week felt like ages because I thought I wouldn't see that person till like school reopens. I felt sad that he was so bothered about someone else that I was so invisible. It's not his fault though because it's just me and my one sided feelings. I wanted to help him out in so many ways but what kind of a status am I to be so close and concerned? So that held me back. He can't even tell me the truth what else can I expect? He doesn't let me into his world. I'm being blocked out like nobody's business yet I'm still standing there like a block. Of course it irritates me that I'm such a big fat block -_- Since he's not doing anything, I'm just gonna be the saint here and get out of the picture. Sigh this sadness

My dream came true I guess?

"This morning, or maybe last night, I had a dream about that person just constantly ignoring my presence. It felt so horrible but I couldn't get out of that dream. There are only 2 endings to my dreams. 1st, its a prediction of what will happen in the coming future. Yes this sounds so stupid and you might think I'm mad but I always dream of the future. Mine's really strong and it really does come true. If my dream is realistic enough, it will happen in real life in just a matter of a few weeks. No I don't fucking want that god damn dream to come true I'll shoot myself. The 2nd ending to my dreams are.... hmmm it just doesn't come true l o l"

I posted this on the 19th Nov. I hate this. Last night was almost like how it happened in my dream. I should probably be thankful since my dream was actually at least 5 times worse. 

I feel like I have some sort of a curse put onto me. All my crushes never ever work out. Something is bound to happen. Like what kind of life do I lead?!!?!?!? So unlucky. I feel so disappointed in myself for liking someone. This is ridiculous I really think I'm still dreaming wtf. I have no courage to face such shit.

Seeing my friend cry so badly yesterday just made me thought of the exact scenario of what happened 5 years back. I too called up my closest friend and cried. Like a bitch, even though I was around so many people. I too was in front of the person whom was the cause of it all. I knew clearly how she felt but at that point of time I had no one beside me. While I was beside her, another friend of mine was beside me telling me that I should leave her alone because right now all she can think of is that matter and everything else is just invisible. Which is true. My heart ached so bad for her. This is the kind of shit love puts people through.

I still in a daze from yesterday, in all honesty. But I'm trying to make it seem like none of that ever happened. Obviously not working. Probably should've drank more. I never ever liked drowning my sorrows but yesterday was really a day I wish to forget.