Sigh

I've been depressed during the past 2 ballet lessons. Sigh i don't know what's up with Elizabeth this week. She is seriously picking on me more than the usual. Everytime i try so hard, she never says anything. Everytime i never do properly, she will definitely say something. Can't she just give me some encouraging words? She has seriously praised all the non-ballet background students before except me. SHE HAS NEVER BLOODY SAID ANYTHING ENCOURAGING TO ME AT ALL.

Viewpoints was kinda interesting yesterday. We were released 15minutes earlier. Hip hip hooray! Miss Susan was like injured so Albert took over her class. He is damn well known in Lasalle for being the scariest teacher. All of us were like freaking out like mad. Some of the seniors knew we were having him as our teacher for the week and even told us TIPS on how to not piss him off. He's just seriously THAT scary. Before class, the seniors tried to like put him in a good mood so he'll not be harsh on us. Awww HAHA! Everytime i get his steps wrong, he'll notice me and i'll shiver like shit, praying he'll not scream at me. He did shout at some of the students. & apparently it was not as scary as we all expected. He did worse things to the seniors before. We hardly even said a word in his class. The only time we were noisy was when we were practicing and figuring out the exercise for the other side. Other than that the whole room was just filled with Albert's voice. We killed many people with his ultimate force on stretching before he ended the class. He made us do a front split, and bend forward. Then he went to everyone of us and pressed us flat to the ground. Seriously with ALOT of force. My heart felt so pain for the 2 guys in my class. Especially Edem!!!!! Albert went to stretch him TWICE! & obviously he's not flexible at all. Sigh scary man.

Performance project was as usual, BORING. Slacked around. After class, we kinda sang Issac a birthday song. It was his birthday and this other girl, Suharti's birthday. There were 2 cakes placed side by side. Ok Issac's one were like 12 cup cakes. & Suharti's cake is a choc cake. Bid goodbye to most of the performance people. Then Cher Andrea and I went for dinner. Talked alot at Mac. Reached home before 11.

Today's ballet lesson was the most depressing one ever. She finally said it. She finally said I was at risk, that i might be kicked out by the end of year 1. She seriously never see any good in me. SERIOUSLY. I try sooooo fucking hard to gain ONE compliment from her but she just doesnt say anything. After she told the class i was 1 of them at risk of being kicked out, i totally had no fucking mood to do ballet. Tears were like almost dropping out but I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I MANAGED TO SQUEEZE IT BACK IN. I think i've been getting better at keeping back tears ever since I came Lasalle.

Hip hop lesson was next. Worse shit ever. She made us do the choreography she taught us weeks back. Then she wasn't happy with it. So she suddenly made us do 6 steps across the floor again. She made us do FRONT ROLLS. You have no idea how much i hate rolls. NO IDEA. I was so scared i might break my neck. I still did it though. Everyone could do it so if i was the only one panicking and shrieking over a stupid roll, i might look super stupid. Then cartwheels. WHAT THE HELL the last time i did cartwheels before today was like REALLY 9 YEARS AGO. Sigh . . . But the class got a little better after that and then she got angry again. She told us she failed all of our hiphop graded "exam". Lol wtf really? -_- Argh. Andrea sent me a super long message again during hiphop lesson cuz she knew i was upset. I literally dropped tears and went like "Aiyo this girl ah" to myself lol. I'm such a weakling no i shall not cry anymore. Sobbing or crying or tearing is not allowed.

Bathed, bought lunch and went for art history. Almost fell asleep during the 2nd presentation. But Dayal was like 2 seats away from me. I was afraid he'd catch me sleeping so i tried to keep myself awake. It was break after that. When me and Jingwen went to the toilet, we saw Shafiq coming out of the toilet. He walked pass us and acted like a child "May i know where's class 5D????" He kept repeating that sentence and both of us didnt get what he was saying. When we went back, he said "Y'all so bad you make my son lost." Andrea and Jingwen couldnt get what he was trying to say but i got it immediately. Then he looked at me, shocked and asked me "Did you actually got something right?!" DAHELLLLLL i'm seriously a lost kid in his eyes.

Performance project today was SLACKY TO THE MAX.... I heard singers sing, i saw dancers dance, i enjoyed the super awesome cold wind. Afiq Shafiq Priscilla Fattulah Andrea and I did the rolling thingy again. Sigh i got laughed at again. I could only do it that day man!!! After that i couldnt roll smoothly again. Suddenly Priscilla asked Shafiq to sing to her. Issac came and told him to sing his awesome christmas song. I said i wanted to hear too cuz yeah i really love to hear him sing~ "You hear before already right!" I'm like "Er what song???" Then he said some christmas title! I told him i can't remember and he said "Aiya you! Forever lost one okok" LOL OK OK OK I'M LOST.  So he sang to us and it was brilliant sigh :') Priscilla then took his phone and started taking photos. Her photo skills very bad. So i took another one. Then she said "eh you two take photo!" I thought she was really taking photo of us.... BUT NO SHE WAS PRANKING US. She took one with my face zoomed, and the other with Shafiq's face zoomed. Oh my god he was very smart. He already knew she was zooming. At first we were at a normal sitting position. After the first shot, he kept pushing me closer because HE KNEW SHE WAS ZOOMING. I think that's why my face on that zoomed photo looks damn ALIENIZED. Bleh Priscilla ah priscilla.... After that i got laughed at for the photo.

It was Shawn's birthday. The performers made him think that everybody didnt knew his birthday and gave him a surprise. He almost cried ohmygod LOL!! Bid all of them goodbye and i told Shafiq to upload the photo that i took with his phone. He teased me and said he'll post the one with my zoomed face. Sigh he teased me for soooooooo long. & then Jingwen Priscilla and Andrea just kept laughing and laughing like there's no tomorrow. When we were about to go off, Shafiq switched on his phone and realised his dp was the zoomed face and when we unlocked his phone, it's his zoomed face. Oh my god what is Priscilla doing. Laughed like shit again and teased me like shit again and we went separate ways.

Went gongcha and wow! We saw both of the fiqs walking out of Lasalle. So we went dinner together. This Shafiq can't stop disturbing me . . . After hanging out with them for quite some time, his true colours and funny patterns all revealing already. HAHA Fine he's cute so i forgive him. I rather he disturb than to not talk at all right? Haha. They went off first cuz they need to go find Edwin and co. to watch Edwin's movie. We went off shortly after they left.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow's hiphop lesson. She's so gonna go mad. Sigh i'm tired. Goodnight

Over exhaustion

Very frustrating. Frustrating to be in a class/school full of talent. I really wonder everytime why Melissa accepted me when i'm so talentless. You know if everyone is damn humble and doesn't show off their talents everyday, i wouldn't be so stressed over such shit. But yeah i am every single day. Every single day everyone's showing me how useless i am. Everyday people's showing off what they are good at and all i do is sit one corner and ask myself WHAT FUCKING TALENT DO I HAVE. I'm really currently fretting over what i can show if someone asks me to dance. Like fuck there's nothing to show. WHAT AM I. FUCK i really don't know what to say. I don't know why some of the lasalle students love talking about the drop out rates and all this sort of nonsense on how some people won't manage to graduate. I'm just here like "argh fuck what am i doing with my life."

Sorry. I was looking through dance videos on youtube a couple of minutes ago trying to copy it and i fail badly. I feel like crying man really. I want to be very good at something. I really don't know what. Like i said before, whatever i can do, others can do too. I think everyone in their 3 weeks of school has gotten at least ONE compliment but i've gotten none cuz i haven't done any show&tell. Fuck.

It was raining cats and dogs this morning. Me and Andrea got drenched like mad. Ballet sucked like shit. My mood sucked like shit. Elizabeth didn't made me feel any better cuz she was picking on me more than she ever did. Like what the hell. I don't want to say i hate ballet cuz i am TRYING to love it even though it's damn hard to. Just a sore loser who can't fucking pick up the basics of dance. Really pissing me off. I just don't know why i just suddenly forgot how to dance in ballet class. I suddenly can't turn out. I suddenly can't kick high. I suddenly forgot how to coordinate. FUCK MY LIFE.

Went for break and bought a kitkat bar, in hope that i wouldnt feel as moody after i ate the bar. Thankfully it worked. Laughed so much during lunch time with Andrea and Priscilla. Had Asian dance with Gigi. It was awesome even though i couldnt remember most of the steps. Gigi's such a cute cute cuteeeeee teacher... Why can't i have a ballet teacher like her... Why can't all teachers be like her :(

Had all the theory lessons and fell asleep during dance history. Teacher let us watch some Egypt film thingy that was seriously bloody boring. It was such a lousy film. Like it's damn fake. So i didn't bother watching lol. Rushed to bathe after history. Slacked at D201 as usual. The weather's damn cold. PP was very slack. I just literally slacked for the whole 3 hours. Lol.

Dinner with Issac Andrea Jingwen and Priscilla at night. They were talking loads of crap and i was just there, being something i'm best at, a ninja. They have this habit of talking louder than each other and it drives me insane. SERIOUSLY DRIVES ME CRAZY. Can't just 1 person talk and the rest listen?! Noise pollution really. So annoying so i decided to just listen to them instead of talking. There wasnt anything to say anyway.

I think i really don't have enough sleep. It's almost 1 soon. I'm leading such a tiring life. I don't know what i go to school for right now. There's nothing that i look forward to anymore. Shit this sucks. I need to stand up. Get a hold of myself.

Dead

"When you're attracted to somebody, all their flaws suddenly becomes perfection."

 

My day started out pretty well today. Yoga was boring... Sigh we're like doing qi gong or something. It makes me damnnnnn sleepy. After yoga, Andrea and I kinda hanged out with Shafiq Amirul Luvenia and Afiq. Oh so funny... They were amazed by Andrea's flexibility. Then suddenly we started doing this rolling motion that I CAN'T DO (since hiphop class last week). Made a joke out of myself. Everyone couldnt stop laughing. SIGH Afiq could do it so well. Shafiq couldnt do it too and we just kept laughing at each other's silliness. Hahahaha funny!!

We left the room when Harris entered. Had one hour's break before ballet. Slacked and oh well ballet wasn't that bad today. Probably because i was more awake and hyper. Went to bathe after that and then, rhythm ensemble. Today's lesson was a hands on thingy. I got some stupid shitty cow bell as my instrument. WHY SO SUAY. Me & Jingwen were the suay-est out of them all and we just kept laughing at each other's uncoolness LOL. Mask work was next. OH I REALLY DISLIKE THIS CLASS :( I seriously can't act . . . Such a long 1hour 15min lesson.

We had break all the way till performance project. The weather was damn shiok. I was sooooo cold and Edem's freaking warm! He's like Jai, always warm no matter how cold the room is. Hehe he gave me some of his warmth and told me "I'M LIKE JACOB BLACK. Always warm! 100degrees!" LOL!! this guy is seriously the cutest guy on earth.. But he's irritating at times! Sometimes he'll stare at me and go like "WHAT!" That's what we always say actually. What here and what there. Always make me think that he doesn't like me. Nevermind things are getting better. HAHA..

Performance project was damn relaxing toooo. We were supposed to do this presentation on ourself or what crap la. Then Rebecca Ruishan Cher and I were sitting really close to Shafiq. He probably heard what we were talking about so he turned back. "EH SHE GOT TALENT! SHE CAN ROLL VERY WELL!" Then i stared at him for awhile, one eyebrow up one eyebrow down, trying to see if he's gonna burst out laughing anytime. OBVIOUSLY HE WAS TRYING TO SABO ME AND MAKE ME LOOK LIKE IDIOT! Ruishan was like "HUH? really ah? your roll very smooth ah? OK COME SHOW!" I'm like shit what the heck is this idk how to roll at all. Then this Shafiq also another one. He kept his pokerface damn well. I was so scared so i didnt roll. But he came and pushed me so i did. AND I ROLLED!!! OMG LOL he just owned himself. His sabo failed.

 I was literally dead by dinner time. I didn't even had the energy to like talk. Went to dinner with the usuals. Was quiet throughout the whole dinner. I was like really in my own world during dinner time. Didnt know how to join in to their conversations. Suddenly Shafiq banged the table and it shocked me! I think he was supposed to shock Jingwen/Cher but I WAS THE ONE WHO WASNT PAYING ATTENTION so it shocked me instead... LOL. There were some jokes that totally made me laughed.

When we were about to part, Andrea told me her mom was going to drive us home. So instead of going to little india, we walked to Bugis with the rest who were taking the green line. Oh my god we walked a way i didn't even know existed. I just followed, obviously. To shafiq, i'm like someone who's forever lost . . . LOL! Was talking to Shafiq otw to Bugis and then Jingwen suddenly interupted. She told Shafiq to take care of me. L-O-L totally. That totally reminded him of Friday's incident. Cuz i had this lost look on my face. & Shafiq told Andrea to takecare of me cuz he was afraid that i'd be lost. SERIOUSLY I'M 17.... Nevermind i like to be taken care of, so yeah c'mon baby I rock! Really fun to hang out with them~ Hahahaha.

Parted ways at bugis station and went to find Andrea's mom. Andrea's sister was in the car too. Oh my god the car was so noisy. Everyone were like talking at the same time and i'm just like trying to split my ears into 3 so i can hear what everyone's saying. I'm a direction idiot. I failed at telling directions badly but her mom still brought me home safely. Thank you so much.

This made my night yesterday. I was about to fall asleep and while refreshing twitter, Shafiq posted a freaking HD photo of some delicious pancakes from Strictly Pancakes. So we were having a little mini chat on twitter and this PRINCE made me laughed like shit.

 

Now i gotta go pack my bag again and head to bed. Really dead beat.

Drained

I woke up late this morning. Supposed to report to iTea at 8am, but i woke up at 8am. Got a shock and was done bathing and everything in 20minutes. Reached Simei at about 9am. This guy, who probably just finished his army came to the school with this 12 year old guy. I thought they were siblings at first. The 12 year old is a damn irritating small kid. He asked if we'd charge the kid interest for using the mac's internet. At first i thought he was serious so i answered him seriously. A minute later i realised it was a joke. He talked to me like i'm his friend? I was like oh my god can you please stop talking to me. He told me it was kinda hard to get into the courses in College East bla bla bla and hee thought i was a student in the school. I told him no and he thought i was lying to him. So he asked another time. I told him i'm from Lasalle. & he said "Oh........ cheh. But i thought you're from this school." Har didn't bother to reply him anymore. How many times must i say i'm not from College East?!

Christopher was supposed to come at 10am but he overslept. Kel asked me to spam called him. I CALLED HIM A TOTAL OF 45 TIMES!!! Stupid pig was late for work for 2 hours!!! LOL. He came into the shop with a chicken hairstyle. His fringe grew so much since the last time i saw him. Now it's so "tall". Caught up a little with him. HE MISSES ME HE JUST DOESNT WANNA ADMIT IT. Hahaha. He was disturbing me AS USUAL so i was like "what's your problem la!" and then he replied, "Aiya nothing to do ma. Long time no see you so disturb you lor~" Actually i was kinda angry at him for being later than me cuz YEAH I'M DOING ALL THE WORK?! But the moment he stepped him all he did was make me laugh until my jaw hurt. First his hair, then his funny story about waiting for the taxi, then..... K i don't know. He feels different today. Maybe because he haven't seen me for almost a month~

Kinda had alot of mishaps today. K SERIOUSLY there are always mishaps when i'm there. Kelvyn no longer gets surprised anymore... HAHA. I spilled ice mocha on half of my shorts. "THIS BETTER NOT BE CHRISTOPHER'S DRINK OR ELSE I'M GONNA PIAK HIM" When i said that, he wasnt there. I think he went to the toilet. When he returned, he realised i spilled something on my shorts. He laughed cuz it's brownish in colour. "VERY SEXY VERY SEXY!" -_- After like 15 freaking minutes... "EH WAIT IS THAT MY DRINK? YOU SPILL MY DRINK? WALAO EH?" What the fuck i'm the one that's supposed to be WALAOEH-ING. He left his tall drink at the TIP of the table and expect it to not fall. VERY FUNNY. I just kept wetting my shorts to get the stain and smell off my shorts. He told me to stop it cuz it smells good to have mocha on the shorts (SACARSM). Dot dot dot. When i was putting ice into the shaker, he was at the sink area, STARING AT ME. When i stared back, i just immediately laughed. "Eh very good hor see my face then laugh already. My face like joker right?" LOL i think he's high on honey again. Why was he so nonsensical today. Nevermind i like. Better than the PMS christopher. I told him he always PMS. Then he used that against me at the later part of the day! Cuz at about 4pm i was kinda dead already so i stopped talking and laughing. "Eh PMS ah eh angry bird ah!" THIS NOISY BOY.

K basically i had quite alot of fun cuz Chris was around. I like to see Kel get irritated by Chris also. It's damn funny~~!!  It was one of the busiest days ever though. Super drained and tired and right now i just wanna go and sleep. BUT there's school tomorrow. & i haven't pack my bag. Did i mention how much i hate packing my bag? HATE IT!!! It's like going for a 2 day 1 night holiday everyday. Must bring bathing essentials, towel, clothings . . . L.A.Z.Y!!!

Can't wait to see the lovelies tomorrow. But i'm not looking forward to performance project, and ballet. Actually ballet's okay.... I JUST REALLY HATE G201'S AMBIENCE. Why can't we use like G202 or D201 or H102. I like dark dark studios. Why must it be like the room with the most windows where it's so bright and dirty and BLEH... I just don't like that studio. :( Sigh sigh okie cheer up shanny. Goodnight everyone.

Sad or happy or both?

HELLO!!!!!! Roller coaster feelings today BUT ALL'S WELL ALL'S WELL!!

Very reluctant to get out of the bed this morning. I felt like i didnt have enough sleep. Still had to because i need to meet baby Andrea at 2 to get our leotards. Changed the timing to 2.30 instead because she said so (LOL). I waited for her for so long... Nevermind~ I hate heels i was wearing heels today sigh. Now my feet's suffering so badly. You imagine la. 2 elephant legs' pressure on 2 feet. PAIN NOT?????

Slacked at J.co after getting our leotards~ Talked alot and this lady is just seriously funny. I was eating my donuts and then she suddenly used her photo and took a selca infront of me. LOL!!! Then after that, she passed her phone to me and asked me to take a selca too. I then realised it was a photo template. Ahhhh smart smart. We were like opposite each other so we can't take a photo together so she used a template instead. HAHA.

Went to Chinatown to find the others. Met Louisa Cher and Cheryl at People's Complex's KFC. The look on everyone's face were soooooooo depressing :( Louisa and Cheryl were having depressing moments :( Made me felt so sad too... Things got better after awhile. When Jingwen and Priscilla arrived, we went to get the fans and scarfs needed for Asian dance.

 

Went to Raffles link to have lunch. Mos burger~ This Andrea.... Went to Watsons and "steal" makeup. Sigh sigh~ The face shop was right outside Mos burger. After lunch all of us went to the face shop and tried their samples. OH MY GOD LOL. Andrea was so funny even the saleslady couldnt stop laughing...

 

Reached Esplanade at about 7.30-ish and waited for the rest to arrive. My legs really died at that point of time. I needed to rest. Awhile later everyone started taking photos here and there so i just anyhow took photos with people too. HAHA MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO. Watched Masterpiece in Motion. It's a ballet-contemporary dance show. I swear it's fantastic. The pas de deux was damn beautiful. That's one of my favourite parts of the show. It was so loooong. Started at about 8pm and ended at 10pm. Totally worth the money to watch honestly. :)

 

I felt so different today. Today's like the first time i felt like i'm actually part of them. It felt damn good oh my god. They laughed and smiled because of me at some point. Kinda because i was silly and stuff but STILL~ It's like how Jai always laugh at me when i'm super angry. (Don't know why this girl finds it super funny when someone is super angry LOL!!!) Actually i was kinda talkative or random today. Most probably because of the awfully chocolate ice cream i ate and the Mocha i drank earlier at J.co. WHATEVER IT IS I FEEL SO LOVED TODAY OK YAY I'M A HAPPY GIRL.

 

My Louisa~ Gurl has da sexiest voice ever!!!

I love this girl muacks!!!

Handsome bandung boy!!!! He looks damn cute with the specs ohmygod~

THIS GIRL DAMN SWEET ON INSTAGRAM. We took 2 photos together. HER TAG FOR THIS PHOTO WAS "2 shots... because you're worth it :)" AWWW 

Our hair so tallllllll~!!!!!

 They really are awesome.

 

I gotta wake up in 5hours time for work. Not funny. My face just recovered from pimples and i'm sure it's gonna appear soon again cuz of the lack of sleep and i think my menses is due. BOOHOO. Leg is aching so much right now and i can't wait to jump onto my bed right after this post. NIGHTS EVERYBODY!!!!

Bullshit talent

Apparently me and Andrea were early for school today. First 2 lessons at Jitterbugs. Went there and jitterbugs wasnt even opened yet. Most of my mates were sitting outside waiting for it to open. I heard Edem humming to Jay chou's 聽媽媽的話. At first i thought he was listening to a indo version of that song. BUT NO it was Chinese! Oh my he listens to chinese song! Hahaha what a cute guy really.

 

Body conditioning and hiphop for the first two lessons. Learnt popping and wave today. It's tough :( BUT its fun~ Haha. Had a graded exam on the previous choreography she taught us. Sigh she didnt tell us our grades.... I really hope i dont get anything below B :( She's gonna teach us a popping choreography next week and that'd be our next graded exam. The more i see her, the more she reminds me of Rino. Haha.

 

Ate popeyes for lunch. Went back to school after that. Checked whether i paid for my school fees already or not. I was so afraid i haven't paid and today was the due date. My mother is such a blur queen too. Thank god i did~ Bumped into Shafiq, Afiq and Issac outside block F. Our next lesson was super boring. Only 1/4 of the class was interesting cuz of the lights/songs played. Most of the time, my ears were seriously tortured by this old man lecturer who couldnt speak english properly AT ALL. His english was so bad to the extent that the other guy, a technical theater student that doesnt speak english well, sounded like his english was so good. Most of the time he's laughing at his own "jokes" and i really had to strain my ear to understand what he was trying to say.

 

After that class ended, went to bathe. Walked to get gongcha with the others and then to the foodcourt. Dilly dally here and there. Andrea and I decided to go back to Lasalle. While we were walking back, Andrea went to throw something so i followed her. At that moment, Shafiq andd Afiq came up to me and succeeded in scaring me. It seriously gave me a mini heart attack. LOL! They still can laugh so happily ah.

 

We couldnt use the studio yet because some other people were using. I was really feeling damn warm. Needed aircon so badly haha. Performance project was still as boring and that i don't need to say anything. Went to watch this Diki Barat performance done by the Dip 2s of Performance, Dance and Acting. It was AMAZING!!! I was so amazed by them seriously. :( Seeing people perform really makes me miss performing so much. When will we get to perform too? :(

 

Supposed to have dinner with the whole big group after that. But as usual they were wasting their time hanging around and didnt wanna move. Extremely big groups really drives me mad. We ended up splitting into two groups because some of them went to the food court to eat. Shafiq Jingwen Afiq Andrea me and Cher went to Burger King. Well only shafiq and afiq bought food. The rest of us were still very full. Headed back to D201 and slacked.

 

So we all just sat there and most of the talkative ones were obviously talking. Afiq was like saying something like Andrea's his sister, Jingwen's his bitching partner, Cher's his ite idk what and then when he came to me, he was like ".......... er she's just there for me. hahahahaha" THIS IS HOW IMPACTFUL I AM TO PEOPLE'S LIFE. There's nothing i did that is able to make him remember me. This kind of thing really makes me sad. I don't wanna be the ninja. I don't wanna be the quiet one with nothing to say. I wanna say things but nothing's coming out of my mouth. I feel like i'm so intimidated by the people around me. All so humorous and loud and LOUD. What the heck.

 

Awhile later, most of the people started dancing around the studio. I still couldnt find any mood to get up and move. Only me and shafiq and Issac's gf were sitting on the floor doing nothing. I realised Shafiq's mood was changing. He looked so sad and isolated and i didnt know how to brighten things up. FUUUUUUUUU just hate myself. If i was anybody else in my class, I would have went to pound on him and make some noise to brighten things up. Lol that's how sociable everyone in my class are. Pathetic shit what am i. He left the room after awhile and at that point of time i knew i was right about his sadness and stuff.

 

Talentless friday night. I'm just there to see good dancers dance like there's no tomorrow, and good singers sing like there's no tomorrow. There's nothing i can show. Anything i can do, others can do too. What's so special about me. It's annoying. Annoying how i'm so common. A common mother fucking bitch.

 

Reached home at about 11.30pm. Bathed and i'm currently writing this post. It's already 1am... I was still thinking of watching a movie before heading to bed but all of a sudden i'm feeling so tired. I'm so tired la. If i gotta worry about how I have impacted other people's lives everyday, i think by the end of this semester I will look 10 years older, seriously. Why am i even bothered about such things. Sigh going out in big groups just makes me feel weiocmejlsldjxmcknsm. Life's so hard. Why am i not fun and hyper all the time. WHY fuck. Need to get over this. I think i don't have enough sleep really. It's gonna be a packed weekend ahead. Goodnight...  

 

 Omg this photo looks damn weird cuz i dont have a body.

Awkward turtles

Finally my ballet teacher said i did something right in ballet. I finally heard "YES SHANETTE. THIS IS NICE." Lol k had viewpoints after class and i didnt like it so yeah let's just skip that part. I could kinda catch up with Kuldip's contemp lesson this week and I was glad i could. Had a long 1 1/2 hour break after contemp because I did not have Research & Writing lesson. Bathed and went up to the library to accompany Louisa to print her stuff. SAW BRENNAN AGAIN. Sigh awkward moments. I can't stand it anymore. I've decided to not call on him anymore if i ever see him again. He can say hi if he wants. I'm not gonna do it anymore... LOL Cuz the only one sentence he will tell me is "erm tomorrow??? :)" LOL he owes me gongcha. So unless he buys it and brings it to me, i'm never gonna call him again. Reduce awkward moments.

 

Performance project was hella sleepy. We spent 1hour discussing on how we're gonna present our presentation and the rest of the hours hearing other people's presentations. Oh my god do you know how boring that was?!?!?! We had this small talk among Rebecca Ruishan and Shafiq about flexibility. At first they were talking about ballet then it switched to flexibility. LOL shafiq told me that time during Yoga, he saw me fling my leg up with no expression and he felt so demoralized after that. Hahahaha this guy ah. Then there is this yoga pose where you can put two legs up behind your neck. They were talking about it. So i showed them. Ok i only put one up. I haven't tried 2 legs yet. Don't really know if i can... LOL

 

Went to Mos burger for dinner with a bunch of people. Issac Andrea Sonia Luvenia Priscilla Jingwen Cheryl. God every night we have dinner with a huge group... Talked alot and went home after that. I got irritated by something on the way to dinner but i forgot what. Oh forget about it~ Went back home with Jingwen Andrea and Priscilla. They were talking among themselves i think. Then i wasnt concentrating on what they were saying. All i had in my mind was what i should do when i return home. I realised there were no assignments or whatsoever to be completed. LOL then i suddenly just said "YAY NO HOMEWORK TODAY -small dances around-" ALL OF THEM LAUGHED THROUGHOUT THE RIDE FROM BUGIS TO CITYHALL. I'm like OH MY GOD since when was i that funny. Andrea cried till tears came out even. LOL!!!

 

Me and Andrea were 15minutes late for ballet. Hip hop was after that. Felt so bloody dehydrated. We weren't allowed to drink water until she finished putting us in positions for the hiphop routine she taught us. She wasnt as angry as the other 2 lessons. She actually laughed during class today~ Bathed after lesson and went to get lunch.

 

Art history started out interesting, then became boring. Dayal was the first to present his slides then it switched to this female teacher whom i felt like she's whispering to ants. -_- Irritating yo~ Had an hour's break after that. Went to D201 and slacked till performance project. Stupid boring shit all over.

 

Initial plan was to have mac for dinner. Got kinda irritated. Some of the dancers had some callback for rehearsal or whatever. No time was stated. & Louisa told us that we were waiting for them. My first thought was "what the hell am i gonna wait 1 hour for the rest just to eat?! i might as well go home." I didnt know it was just like filling in some forms. I kept asking how long they were gonna take but no bloody one person answered me. AM I THAT INVISIBLE?! Irritating piece of shit. I hate waiting aimlessly. It seriously pisses me off to the max of the max.

 

I kinda expected like some of the dancers plus issac to have dinner together. Usually that's the case. BUT TODAY'S ABNORMAL. We had like 18 people in total for dinner! Performance dudes and dancers. Went to food court and ate. I was seated amongst the most fun loving people. Andrea beside me, Luvenia and Afiq were infront of me. They kept having conversations here and there and laughter just kept coming out. Luvenia acted like she's high on drugs or something i swear... LOL.

 

I guess it must feel so good to know that others are happy and smiling away because of you. Those fun loving people make me feel so pathetic. All i do is create awkward situations. No matter who i'm with, i'm bound to create awkward situations. The only person i know who is NOT awkward in awkward situations, is Andrea. She's sucha weird kid (sorry la i still feel like you're 15, andrea. HEH.) She's able to make an awkward situation not look like an awkward situation. Everytime she tells me her awkward problems, i'm like "what the hell i didnt even notice anything awkward between you and (whoever she was saying)." That's one of the reasons why she and i click so well. No awkward moments between us at all. Why am i such an awkward turtle!!!!!!!!!!!! :( I feel like people's distancing themself from me sometimes, AND I KNOW WHY. That's the sad part. I feel like i can read their minds. "Shit can't stand near shanette she's so awkward." Sigh. When i'm hyper i'm a different person but i can't be hyper all the time what. Boohoo :( Badly wanna put smiles and happiness on people's faces but i just don't know how. :(

 

Maybe i'm too tired that's why i'm feeling this way or maybe i'm pms-ing but yeah la i'm having one of those pathetic days again la.

 

I want people to remember me as something other than emo girl sad girl troubled girl whatever nonsense girl la. I don't wanna be worthless. I know hardly anyone understands me but i really wanna mean something to people. Fuck someone just love me already.

 

Came home and my dad just shows me a very unhappy face every night, so today wasnt an exception. Everyone goes through a long day. I don't blame you for being tired cuz i am too. But at least i don't say "hi daddy" with a zombie face or voice. I try to at least freaking smile and say hi in a pleasant way. Can't you just do the same back? If he's angry at me for always coming home at 10 after school, then i think there's nothing to talk about. From this i can already tell they don't understand me at all. I end school at 7.30 everyday. All those waiting around for people takes up to 15minutes or more sometimes. We take time to walk to bugis or plaza sing everyday, at least another 15minutes is gone. That's like 8pm already. Then 1 hour to eat and another hour to reach home. IS IT THAT UNREASONABLE? No right?! They don't need to tell me how tired my body is. I KNOW IT MYSELF. If i'm too tired, I SLEEP. All those unnecessary worrying parents do. When i want my parents to worry about me, they don't fucking give a shit. When there's nothing to fucking worry about, they make it such a fucking big deal. WHAT IS UP WITH THEM?! They just love destroying my mood.

 

Tomorrow's friday. I don't give a shit about going home at 10 or 11 or 12 or 1 even. It's my choice. They refuse to pass me the house keys. So they shouldnt say anything about me not being considerate to the maids and their sleeping hours.

 

Me and the camwhore freak Sonia~

 

 

I know i'm so small in this picture. Sigh for the first time in my life i feel like i'm not tall enough. LOL. Look at how easy Cher (girl with green bag) and Afiq poses. AND THEN ME? One awkward head beside Afiq. We're all in the same "line"...

 

Alright. Tomorrow will be a better day :)

Cheerioz

HIHI.

Alright.

Shower - CHECK!
Pack schoolbag - CHECK!
Performance Project research - CHECK!!!!!

YAY! I'm done with my night "activities". Just reached home not long ago. 2hours ago maybe? Went for dinner with Issac Louisa Andrea and Cher after school. Listened to Issac talk almost the whole time and i swear, the world needs more people like Issac. Kinda inspiring to hear him talk. He's somewhat a senior because he retained (PERSONAL REASONS) so he knows alot more than us. So matured for a 19 year old who hasnt gone into NS. Like seriously? Tell me which 19 year old guy you know that is matured? BUT! He's been through alot more than just NS. That's probably why he's more mature. I guess somethings just gotta hit you hard, then people will wake up. I used to think my parents say "sometimes people gotta learn the hard way." was just a way to make me feel scared and it meant nothing. After awhile, when you grow, you'll realise that you'll have to fall in order to feel the pain. Just hearing your parents nag are of no use.

School was alright today, unexpectedly. I expected it to be more tiring, of course, like i've mentioned in my previous post... HAHA. Almost fell asleep in dance history class. I didn't want to... I just don't know why history just turns me off. If he didn't told us an interesting story, i would have really fell asleep.

Went to D201 to put our bags and then i heard somebody playing the piano so beautifully. I turned back and the first person i saw was Shafiq. In my head i went like "shit does he remember me am i supposed to say hi should i smile should i look away what to do!?!?!?" in just like 2seconds and then BAM . . . ! He said "Hey!!!! -hugs-" Woah heave a sigh of relief i'm not forgotten!!!~ There's this thing i have with people... I'm just not easily remembered. PLUS I have a not really common name. People forget me very easily. That's why most of the time i wouldnt dare to say hi first. I don't create a huge impact in people's memory. It'd be very awkward if i say hi, and the other person gives me a stare.

Ok so the person playing the piano was Afiq. GOD WHAT DOES THIS GUY CAN'T DO!? He sings, he dances, he plays the piano!!!!! They were singing away and i was once again mesmerised by their voices~ Sigh am i lucky or what, to know such people with such gifted voices? After awhile, Nicole came to play the piano and sang along too~ Angelic voice!!! The performance people are just sooooo coooool~ They can sing dance act blablabla. Oh my god why am i brought to this world, TALENTLESS?! What exactly is my  t a l e n t  -_-

Performance project was hella boring. Rebecca and Ruishan weren't there. Clara was just being irritating because she's not contributing to anything we're discussing and all she knows how to do is to get irritated and ask "what to research what to research". HELLO? CONTRIBUTE LA. Why. Why do i get such lousy groupings every single time. My luck with groups is seriously lousy to the max.

I'm very tired. It's now 1am. Actually i kinda have more things to write about but i figured it's not as important so i'll just hold on to it. I'm gonna get pimples on my face if i don't get to bed right now. So good night :)

Combination

What did i do on Saturday? OH! I woke up at 2pm in the afternoon without any disturbance at all. I even woke up with a feel that it was only 9-10am... HAHA. Replenished all the hours of sleep lost during the week and felt really good even though my body was aching like mad. It's good ache! & i like! If i'm not aching, that's a big problem...

Slacked the whole afternoon away and went to Parkway in the night with my family for dinner at Putien! Bought some necessities and A NEW BAG!!! Well this time it's a proper bag for school purposes. The other bag makes me look like a tortoise because everyday my bag is so damn fat. Was very satisfied with my purchases so i went home a happy girl~ Hahahah benefits you get when you're out with your parents . . . -smirky look-

I really don't remember what i did on Sunday. I think i just watched TV the whole day. There's this show my family keeps watching. It's called 明星学院. I don't know if i've mentioned about this before (it feels like i have...) but it's this singing competition show. They move into this dorm and they have lessons everyday for the competition which is on Saturday. Results will be out on Sunday morning and one will be eliminated every week. The winner gets a contract with idk what company and all this nonsense la~ It's live for 18hours and of course the other 6hours they'd be sleeping, so there's nothing to watch. You literally see them have lunch and dinner and slack and all their lessons. LOL. Kinda got addicted to watching them.

Was still watching them the whole day today. But in the evening me and daddy went bukit timah to climb hill. My uncle and cousin and more uncles were there too. Somehow this was a planned event which i didn't know about? I only knew my dad was gonna go climb hill and i thought i needed to sweat since i've been eating so much so i asked if i could tag along~ It was soooo tedious. Usually if i go with only my dad, he'd take the easier way but this time.... we went the hardest way ever. 5 block of steps = my height. CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW HARD IT IS? I am bloody sure i climbed more than 300 steps. My cousin is a monster..... She's so strong and lead the whole group of us. 

Went to heartland mall at night. Needed to get notebooks from popular and some stuff from cold storage. Well well well i saw Edwin and his family there. Haha. Continued watching that live show... HAHA SO ADDICTIVE!!!! I like this contestant called ET! Maybe that's the reason why it's addictive... I get to see his every move~ HMMMM????? That's what stalkers do right :B Oh my god i sound so creepy. I apologise.

SCHOOL'S TOMORROW!!!! YAY OR NAY I HAVE NO CLUE! I dislike Tuesday the most!!! First lesson, Ballet. Then there's asian dance. After that it's just all theory and of course it ends with performance project. NoooooOOOOooooOOOO i don't like :( I think it's a freaking trend. I haven't been liking Tuesdays since my secondary school days. My timetable for Tuesday is always so sucky :( On the bright side, i get to see my classmates and get to hang out in D201. Haha yeah i finally miss them. Last week was so much better than last last week. At least i don't feel THAT invisible. Not exactly very close with everyone but i feel like i exist, and they know i exist. That's good enough. :)   

My rash is not recovering........ Sigh i don't understand why. It's starting to make me depressed. I don't have THAT MANY clothes that covers my entire neck. It's driving me crazy...

TGIF!

I reached the train station so early today. At 8.10 i was already there when i was supposed to meet Andrea at like 8.20. She reached like 10minutes late. The train had some stupid issues and hence there was a delay. We still took the train till potong pasir and we couldnt stand it anymore because the waiting time was too long and we were already almost late for class. Texted Miss Melissa about us being late in case she marks us as absent. Decided to cab down to Jitterbugs instead. Our first two lessons of the day would be held there every Friday. There were no taxis at all!!! When both of us were stressing about being late, Andrea suddenly just "eh you wanna eat currypuff?" because infront of us at that time, was Old Chang Kee. LOL!!!! Made me laughed so much.

We were 20minutes late for class. Had body conditioning for the first lesson. My arms ache so much man. My triceps might actually just become harder after afew months. Hip hop was next. Did the 6step across the floor, left and right side. My left side sucks so badly... I blame myself for only practicing the right side last night. I was so happy that she said i had a great improvement on my right side. My hardship didnt go to waste.. HAHA. Of course i didnt do well for my left side. After that bullshit she taught us a choreography that i think was damn dope!

Before the class ended, she kinda grouped us according to our abilities in a way and i obviously was grouped under a not good category. Asked her personally about where i went wrong and she told me what i already knew somehow. She told me i needed more practice on my steps. My muscle memory is still not there yet. I can't get the steps right on the day itself. I have to practice it at least overnight in order to get it. That's how slow i am.... Wasn't affected by her comment cuz i already knew it >< My dear andrea was affected though. Sucks when a friend is upset and i can't do anything about it. Sigh i really suck at consoling people and make people smile. I really wish i was like Jai so i can forever turn a sad moment into a happy one immediately. I remembered how she totally just made me smile no matter how hard i tried not to when i cried. I need to be like Jai!!!! :(

Dancers went to have lunch outside jitterbugs while me and Andrea went to buy gongcha. Passed by adidas shopped so i went in. YAY i love cathay's adidas outlet! So big!!! I saw 2ne1 faces pasted on the walls tooo! LOVE THEM LOVE THEM YAY! I love big adidas outlets! Vivo city's one is even bigger and i love it even more HEHEHE.

Headed back to Lasalle after that and IT ACTUALLY RAINED. What a rare sight seriously~ Had this improvisation class that was super duper weird and i didn't really liked it honestly. I feel like Miss Melissa doesn't like to work with music. She prefers nature sounds somehow. LOL that's the feel she gives me. Even if she plays music, her music are like not exactly music. It just sounds like sounds.

Had an hour's break after improvisation class. Went to bathe and felt so refreshed! Ate sandwich at 15minutes cafe and then went up for performance project. Presented the research thingy that we were supposed to present yesterday but there wasnt enough time. I still have this fear of people staring at me. While i was talking, i could feel myself shivering. I shiver when i'm on the stage too. It's not a very obvious shiver but it still affects my movements somehow. This has to go. I think i need to do a research on how i can get rid of stage fright. I don't exactly have extreme stage fright but there's this fear going on inside every single time that makes me tongue tied or legs weak or something! Just now i couldnt pronounce the word "compulsory" properly and i had to say it like 3/4 times to get it right. So embarassing.

After all the remaining groups presented, we were given a new task. I had to come up with a composition(not writing composition but ...... just something la you go google it ok!) that have to suit his requirements. He gave us 10 requirements and 40minutes. Completed ours before the time given  and Mr Robert, director of the performance project, and a whole bunch of audience came to watch our composition. Seriously to me it was damn stupid. The whole composition of ours were so stupid but the audience liked it!? LOL made me wow. The group that performed after us had a very similar idea as us. We all went like "ehhhhh it's the same..."

Time flew by and it was already 7pm. Dayal talked alot of the boring stuff and released us at about 7.15. Went to have dinner with Louisa, Priscilla, Cher, Jingwen, Andrea, Edwin, Issac, Shaun, Amesh, Cheryl and Edem. LOL basically the dancers and the performers. The guys were drinking before even eating anything... Ate fried rice and some stupid lemon barley that didn't even taste nice. Totally not satisfied with most of the things i've consumed today. "Stole" a little beer from the guys. Andrea too. HAHA. I still don't think drinking beer can make you drunk. Never. Maybe if you drink like 1 carton, then MAYBE. Otherwise it's kinda hard to get drunk. Alcoholic level for a freaking beer is like only 5%... Cher and Jingwen kept "Andrea drunk already andrea drunk already." I was there like "..... LOL impossible yo."

It was already over 9pm but those people wanted to go back to the studio to practice their hiphop routine. So i followed along because Andrea aegyo here aegyo there tsktsk. Rebecca knew i drink the moment i stepped into the studio. I was like "whaaaaat is it that obvious..." then it strucked me that my face turns red very fast... HAHA. Stayed there for almost 2 hours and i had so much fun~ The hiphop teacher told us next week we are probably gonna do popping so i asked Issac how to learn popping. He's like damn bloody good at popping. Sigh i have too much loose skin HAHAHA.

Went outside and realised Louisa, Afiq, Shafiq and Cher were sitting at the bench. All were listening to Shafiq and Louisa singing. I love to hear live singing, especially when it's such freaking beautiful voices that i hear. Wow really eargasm. & Afiq was just ridiculous. He sings damn well too but he sat there and talked as if he sucked at singing. Luvenia's voice was damn beautiful too! She kept harmonizing with Louisa. It's just so beautiful to hear :') Love Louisa's voice i love her voice!!! Saher could sing damn well too. Priscilla suddenly started singing too and it was wonderful... SO MANY PEOPLE SINGS SO WELL. What am i really. WHAT AM I. Oh my god outcasted. Everything also cannot do. Can't dance well can't sing at all can't this and that and this and that, i don't wanna continue the list. I just don't know how to express this feeling i have right now. Almost everyone i know in Lasalle has something that they are proud of and is not afraid to show. I got nothing to show... Pathetic la really. I feel like i'm at such a different level from them. I need to start finding something that i can be good at... :(

Walked with Luvenia and Afiq and Andrea to little india. We waited for a cab for damn freaking long. Took us like 20 over minutes for a cab sigh. Told the taxi driver to go serangoon stadium area, he heard wrongly and thought i said Hougang stadium. Wtf. The moment he went past Kovan i immediately knew something wasn't right. The whole journey felt so awkward because the roads were so unfamiliar. So i got stressed up because it was dark and i couldnt see the streets very clearly so i kinda gave very nonsensical instructions on where to go. Then i think the taxi driver got pissed and started telling me driving theory. HELLO? I don't drive i don't know any shit he was saying. AND i'm your passenger which is also considered a customer considering the fact that i pay you for taking me to my destination. Customers are always right so what is wrong with his attitude? You seriously won't wanna offend Shanette or else i'll take a parang and come after you.

Reached home with no taohuey again.. I feel so cheated by my father. Don't wanna believe what he say again. This morning, he even told me "Eh i got one thing i say i wanna do but i keep forgetting." I asked him what and he said, "Taohuey! Nevermind i will buy tonight." Make me anticipate anticipate anticipate.... END UP??????? NO TAOHUEY. Angry. Bird. On. The. Moooooooooooove.

Right now, it's already almost 1.30am. I am suddenly feeling very tired. LOL I wanted to stay up. Cuz i ate alot. Think i'm falling asleeeeeeep.........

Where am i going?

Was so lazy to do ballet today. Damn irritated at my rash. I don't know what is it. I seriously never gotten such thing before. It's just so annoying. If i'm irritated at my own skin, obviously if others see if they'll be irritated too right?! Oh my god i don't know why's god punishing me. Sigh.

Hiphop was after ballet. The teacher just felt so unfriendly. She's a filipino... My impressions of filipinos were always very good [cuz i have the best maid ever. -flicks hair louisa's style- (winnie not nina fyi)] ! This time is the first time i feel so argh. Well her steps are kinda interesting, until she taught us the basic b-boy move '6step'. WTF. I don't like to b-boy. I don't even like to see b-boy do their stunts or whatever crap. Now i have to learn it and she's gonna grade us tomorrow just on that move. RIDICULOUS.

Firstly, all of us are girls. Our muscle in our arms are not as strong as boys. That's why there are not many b-girls around? Secondly, most of the girls in my class are so ballet-ish/contemporary-ish. How can everyone get their groove so fast?! Thirdly, she's giving us so little time to practice. Lastly, HIP HOP IS HIP HOP. B-BOY IS B-BOY. She told us the previous batch were her first batch of students in Lasalle and they were kinda more street jazz style. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT YO. Hiphop/street jazz is YAY. Hiphop/B-BOY IS NAYYYYY!!!! :@ We had to do that b-boy move ACROSS THE FLOOR OKAY!! So tedious :( But well, before she started all that b-boy crap, the other 'techniques/warm ups/movements' were okay :)

Went to bathe and had arts history lesson. We went to this theater-like room where they had this super comfy sofa-like chairs. Went to sit at the last row and I wanted to sleep. The female teacher did alot of ntroduction about Art and Dayale did some presentation on persentation skills. Hahaha Dayale's sucha funny guy.

Had an hour's break. God that one hour flew by so fast. The 3.5 hour long performance project started... I just can't stand how boring it is. I waste time there every single day. I really wonder what's the final product of this whole performance project nonsense.

Went for dinner at Mos burger with Andrea. She was so indecisive! At first she said she wanted to go home. Then she said she wanted to go eat ToriQ. Then she said she wanted to go to the adidas shop at Bugis+. Then she wanna go The Body Shop but before we could even reach there, she wanted to eat Mos Burger. LOL that's how we ended up there. (Sorry. Too many thens. HAHAHA.) Stomach giving me alot of problems recently sigh sigh sigh. Talked alot and slacked there till 9plus because this girl didn't wanna leave! HAHA

Reached home before 10 and started practicing my 6 step move. So hard to go across the floor... I literally dropped on the floor after my 3rd set. Sigh sigh sigh. Don't know how i'll fare. Sigh sigh sigh.

I think it feels good to know that there are many who care when you're down. I'm envious of people who get those kind of love from their loved ones. Why don't i feel any of such love when i'm down? All i get is 4 walls to myself and this blog that i write almost anything. I wished i was borned with a happier character, a more cheerful and fun-loving person. Or at least some looks or body to attract some attention so people will come to me and say hi. Why wasn't I.... Inperfection to the maximum. Hateful face, a rather boring personality, very problematic skin, a body filled with unwanted fats. I think a need to bang my head on one of the 4 walls. 

Suddenly my future seems so dark, and i'm afraid.

I'm trying.

Ballet was not so bad today. Muscles still aching like mad. Viewpoints was such a weird class. We just walked around the room in different ways and tempo. I felt like we're in some mental hospital. I mean i feel like we look like retards. -_- Had gongcha for lunch(hahahahaha) and then went to H102 for this debrief thingy with Miss Melissa. After that was contemp with Kuldip, a guest artist from the UK.

His class was very interesting. So interesting until he told us to do jumps/gallops. That made me stressed. WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Something's wrong with me and jumps. I need to get rid of this 'fear' of jumping in me seriously. The choice of music he picked were awesome. Note to self: I need to stand closer to people who would practice with me during contemp. Lol.

After class, everyone went into the toilet to change/bathe and almost all of them went like "THIS WAS THE BEST CONTEMP CLASS EVER!!!" I couldn't feel the same joy as them because i wasn't entirely enjoying the whole lesson. I got my reasons.... I don't know why i'm so lagged behind. The teacher went so fast and everyone could catch up in a speed of light. I just get so stressed up cuz everyone gets it so fast and the teacher would just continue on and on. I'm so used to my teachers redo-ing the movement again until we all get it. Sigh i need to let go of this stress i have in me. What's wrong. Nah it's just me. Hence... My emotions kinda got a little cocked up after contemp but all's well all's well...

Initial plan was to go up to the library and print our pictures for performance project. We bumped into Issac and Ruishan on the way up and Issac told us that the printer wasn't working. So all of us have to like go all the way to Peace Center to print it. Put our bags at D201 first before heading off. Edwin and Issac followed along because they wanted to get taohuey.

PERFORMANCE PROJECT WAS BORING!!!!!! I hate this shit i hate this shit. I almost fell asleep in the frass no joke. Ruishan just kept on talking and talking and talking and i was there like, "shit i can't even open my eyes entirely already how do you expect me to think. brain dead." Went back to D201 after our discussion and then everyone went to the toilet, leaving me alone. I was so dead tired i can't even be bothered to realise that i'm actually in a big room alone when everyone else were in groups. I just sat there with rebecca's jacket, attempting to sleep. Louisa suddenly came up to me and had a mini chat with me. Hahahaa cute moments.

Yay class ended at 7plus. Went bugis to have dinner with Cheryl, Priscilla and Jingwen. Was contemplating on going home but i didnt eat the whole day so... Decided to. Jingwen's forever hyper!!!! Where do these people get the energy to be so hyper oh my god. I think even though i'm 17, i have a soul of a 70 year old... I get tired so easily. That's so sad. HAHA..

While i was walking home, my mother suddenly asked me "You know tomorrow's the start of ghost month right?" I told her idk and then in my head i already knew what she was gonna tell me. She's gonna start nagging about what time i should be home and all that sort of nonsense mythologies that the Chinese believe. Seriously how much earlier can i be back? My school ends at 7.30... It'd already be dark by then. So to me, if i'm home by 8.30 or 9.30.. NO DIFFERENCE. Jingwen and Louisa were coincidentally talking about things related to ghost too this afternoon when we went to Peace center. I was honestly freaked out by Louisa's stories. If i were her i would have screamed like mad already. If i ever see someone that i do not know at all in my damn house at an extremely weird hour, i think i'll faint seriously. Seriously extremely spooky and freaky.

Tomorrow's performance project is 4hours . . . I really don't know how i'm gonna survive. Think i'm gonna buy some candies to chew on tomorrow lest i fall asleep.

Days like these

Hellooooooo~

Yesterday's yoga was nonsense. The teacher seems like some kind of military person. His shouts are so loud. It somewhat reminds me of Superteen's Ernest LOL. They are just so similar seriously. Ballet was just bla bla bla. Did this mini jump thingy that really drove me up the wall. I honestly don't know what's so hard about it that i can't do. I worry so much about the technique that i can't jump. -_- Oh god.

Bathed and ate maggie mee for lunch. We had so little time.. Went straight up to class after my maggie mee. Rhythm Ensemble was kinda interesting this week~ The teacher kinda did some demo on the drums itself and he's so good at it~ Changed my view on him honestly~ Time passed very fast too. Oh well guess it is true that when you're enjoying yourself, time flies like mad! Last week's lesson was so boring the time passed so damn slowly...

We then had this mask/animal work thing going on for each semester together with the dip level 2 performance students. There's this very cutesy guy in level 2 that caught my eye. Gah too bad he's shorter than me and so small in size. Aw he's really very cute looking. I'm under the mask work group. Oh my god the level 2s were so good at acting. Just kinda stunned and really intimidated by them. We were supposed to like pull a face and then our bodies were supposed to fit the face that we pull. Gosh it's just so hard for me. I'm really not cut out for acting... This is not exactly acting but it's just almost there.

Had an hour's break after mask work. Went to D201 and chilled! Performance project was the last class of the day, as usual. Gosh it was so boring. We were splitted into different groups again. 1 person from every performing arts diploma forms one group. Sigh. Why can't the teachers group for us? It would make things so much easier for less outgoing people like me -_- Guess i was lucky.. My first performance partner, Rebecca came to me. My partner for the previous assignment, Brenda, who is in Music also came to me LOL! So we were like only lacking an audio tech student and a technical theater student. Somehow that got settled by the teachers. Another performance student came to join our group, Ruishan. It was so awkward between me and Rebecca because she was so sick and felt like puking... :( Poor thing. Did some discussion nonsense and presented our work. Actually Ruishan did all the talking. My group would be nothing without her. She did most of the talking and discussion.

The class ended at 7pm. Initially it's supposed to be 7.30pm but there were muslim students in the class. Dayale wanted to release them so that they can break fast. Oh man we're only gonna enjoy this 7pm days till the end of this week. Aw man! Supposed to have dinner with the rest but went home instead. Bumped into Yolande at Bugis!! Haha and Eugene at Nex! Wow! Coincidence was in the air yesterday~ Funny thing was, Andrea was asking if I would bump into another friend of mine at Nex. & then the next moment, Eugene was infront of me. LOL!

Today, was just another typical day... Didn't get to shower the whole day and i felt disgusting after the last class.

Had ballet and then went to the frass to meet up with Miss Melissa for some short talk. Ate Astons for lunch and rushed back to school for the next class, Asian Dance. The studio was still in use by the dance degree students. The teacher was late... So we waited outside. The cutesy guy from performance was there! Hahahaha guys with pretty eyes~~~ Did alot of talking in this lesson cuz it was our first lesson so there were quite alot of introduction going on.

Rushed to Anatomy class. Dayale let us watch this show that made me fall asleep. It was so uncomfortable!!! I hate those AVA theater kind of chairs... It makes me feel like i'm gonna fall anytime when i try to sleep. So the whole time, i kept trying to sleep for like 30seconds and then i'll just unknowingly jerk myself awake, in fear that i'll just fall. After class, went to 7eleven to get some chocs to wake me up. History lesson was next! Can't believe it la, history was actually not boring man. Maybe cuz he haven't actually started on the real deal yet. Hmmmm~ We'll see we'll see.. Sigh all the subjects that i dislike is coming back to haunt me. Bio(Anatomy) la... History la...

Had a 1 hour break after history. Some of my classmates went to bathe. Andrea and I just went to wash our faces. PERFORMANCE PROJECT SUCKS BIG TIME. Boring shit boring shit :'( Did some stupid discussion AGAIN and we had to like present AGAIN. Actually we already kinda decided that all of us will get a chance to like talk during the presentation. Then we were given a limited time to present. The director only gave us 2 minutes. & he actually timed us. So Ruishan ended up saying everything again. Oh yay! Rebecca recovered from her sickness and is much more livelier today yay!

Went to dinner at Cafe Cartel with Issac, Melissa, Louisa, Cheryl, Edwin, Andrea and Jingwen. I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT IS UP WITH THE RANDOMNESS O_O Like usually we would eat with the dancers only but today.... Edwin and Issac came from nowhere. HAHA oh well most of them are kinda close with the both of them so i guess it's not so weird. Issac didn't know how to pronounce my name and ended up saying another name; SHONTELLE/SHANTELLE LOL! He still said it with such a bimbo feel to it. I was shocked when Edwin called me SHAN. Things that went in my head at that very second "what the heck... he knows my name?!" then the next second i went like "oh it has gotta be Andrea." WHY is my brain always responding like a second slower... Sigh sigh sigh.

Before we went home, I saw Steven Lim walking around plaza singapore in a spiderman's costume, UNZIPPED. Ewwww how gross can he be...

SIGH NEED TO CUT DOWN ON MY FOOD INTAKE. :( Everyone in my class is so dancer-looking and i'm just fat. This is ridiculous. I've been eating more ever since school started. No fuck no. Need to find some self control. CONTROL BABY CONTROL. And i don't know why the rashes above my chest area is not recovering. WHY!!!! I'VE NEVER GOTTEN THIS SHIT BEFORE. I'm so conscious right now because of this. If it gets worse, I might just consider seeing a doctor for this. Why do i have to live with such a problematic skin... :( I don't understand what's with my face either. It just suddenly became so bad in July. WHAT IS WRONGGGG. Is the air around me bloody dirty!? Bewhew~

Memories carved by dreams?

This evening, i went to catch this contemporary dance show called Minutes to Midnight with Aglin. This show was Aglin's birthday present to me. I'm sure this production has something to do with Oschool. The choreographer of the dances were by Ryan Tan and Jessica(both oschool instructors) and most of the dancers are from NTU. Amazing. I love the whole production. It's just so beautiful. Well Jessica is an amazing choreographer. Of course her show would be amazing!!! Haha!Cheryl also went to the show!!! We saw each other and we were like EHHHHH! Hahaha she's kinda affliated to Oschool too! Her hiphop's teacher is An an and her jazz/contemp teacher's Ryan~  

I miss being on the stage. I really do. Sigh i really need to work doubly hard. I want to be chosen for good parts in the choreography. Well in my class, there's so much talent that I can hardly shine but........ I guess hard work will somehow in a way or another pay off....? While i was looking at the dance, I remembered this dance i performed 2 years ago. Miss Shining gave me a solo part. At first i struggled so badly even though it was only 3/4 eights of the song. I couldnt understand why she chose me. I thought she was gonna switch people because she got so mad at me for always getting it wrong. The more she scolded me the more nervous i got. The more nervous i got the more i couldnt get the steps right. Well thank the holy god I didnt screw up on the day of performance. Up till this point i still didnt understand why she chose me. All i know is that I'm really thankful to her. Even though she makes me depressed most of the time, i guess that's what made me stronger.  

Same goes for ballet. I don't know how the heck am i gonna be as graceful as a swan but i'm just gonna try and try until i cry(lol this will happen trust me.). I don't wanna live a dream that will never come true. I need it to come true. One year. That's all i've got to prove myself that i can do this.

Limits.

Heyhey.

Don't know what i did yesterday afternoon. I think i was supposed to finish up my performance project assignment but turns out my partner is so damn uninterested in this shit. Hence, i'm suffering. I gave her heck loads of information about me. She could easily finish her essay up. WHAT ABOUT ME? Her english sucks to the core and everytime she gives me information, it's god damn little. It's driving me insane. If i know her, i'd be able to squeeze some bullshit into the essay. BUT NO. I have no clue who the heck she is and it's just, sweet mother of jesus, irritating the shit outta me.

Went out to have dinner with my family and then spent my night watching pretty little liars. Don't know what struck me to watch it again. I stopped watching it because this show has this very eerie feel to it and i don't like it. Now i'm just starting to watch it again. Haha guess i've got nothing else to do.

I was about to head to bed last night. Then at about 12.30am, a call came. Kinda gave me a shock cuz i was trying to sleep? LOL. & i DO NOT silent my phone. Hahaha of course it was Andrea. Talked for almost 2hours and i swear she sounded so drunk during the last few minutes of the call cuz she was too tired. Lasalle's whatsapp group was also really noisy at that hour. Adi, Cheryl, Andrea and I were the main people talking. So funny. C'mon laughing at 2am in the middle of the night might just lure some female ghosts out.... LOL!!! Fell asleep at around 3plus.

Woke up with my whatsapp flooded again. Well it's been like that everyday. Had daddy's homemade banmian for lunch. Tastes so gooooood!!!~ Continued watching pretty little liars and also worrying about my assignment. That partner flooded my whatsapp too. But the information she gave me..... Still not enough to fill one page. I'm just so worried right now. I'm going out in 1hour's time. & this woman, is still not replying me. Don't know what to do with her. Guess i gotta mug the damn essay when i come home, IF she replies me. If she doesnt.... Fuck i'm gonna haunt her in school tomorrow.

(WOW speaking of the devil. She replied.)

A tad happier

Hi yay i'm feeling alot better today. Was happy to recieve this long long text from Andrea asking if i was okay. Kinda shocked me because for a split second I thought we had telepathy. I wanted to text her about something last night. Then i realised i had 1 unread message. & it was from her! After reading it i looked at the time it was sent and i was like "SHIT WHY DIDNT MY PHONE RING?!" Seriously.... I'm really not used to silent-ing my phone. Oh well it was comforting to know someone cares :)
Watched bunheads for the whole afternoon. Met up with Jai at 5pm. Updated her with my nonsensical life stories. Walked around amk like some big boss.... Talked till about 6.30pm. Liqian and Charlotte(with her bf of course) came. Went to food court for dinner. Charlotte pranked us with this stupid Peteranswer website. Omg. It's this website where whatever charlotte asks, the website will give the right answer. Like "What is Shanette doing?" It'll answer "Eating ice" and at that moment I really was eating ice. This bitch came up with a whole load of bullshit story saying what this peter guy came into her dreams and told her to sign a contract asking her to befriend Peter. But all along she's been the one typing the answers. LOL ok i don't really know how to explain it. It's just very dumb. Haha.

Most of them asked how was school for me. I had no comments. It's not like i don't enjoy school. I do! But not to the extent where i'll go like "OMG DAMN FUN DAMN AWESOME I LOVE SCHOOL." Not yet. Maybe after afew more weeks... I pray i wish. I don't feel like i've settled down. I still get so damn stressed. Obvious cuz i've been eating alot. Haha.... Boohoo i think i need a stressball. -_-

Slacked there till 9pm. Amanda and her bf(????) came to find us for awhile. It was nice seeing them after afew weeks. Haha.

 

The peak.

I've been thinking alot today. Still can't feel happiness in me. Still feeling really out of place. Still don't know how I'm gonna survive for the next 3 years. Everyone's missing school. I'm not. Everyone's missing everyone. I'm not. If i'm gone, no one would know. Fuck. I feel like my 14 year old self all over. I've said before how i hate this state of myself. I still do. Everytime, there'd be something that would make me smile, make me feel better. However this time, nothing. It's really been so long since i'm upset over friendship issues. Or should i say, upset over socialising issues. I don't like feeling this way.

I really need to get back to the way i used to be. The way i didnt give a shit about all these friend issues. The more i don't feel, the happier i'd be. It's selfish. I'm only this way because no matter how hard i try to be nice, no one cares. So why the fuck should i be? There was this time where i was talking about Jazreel and she told me about someone she recently quarrelled with. I told her "Lol i don't even quarrel with her. I've never quarrelled with her." You know what's her reply? She replied "Ha cuz you don't bother right?" Ha yeah i don't. Why should I. No one in this god damn world will thank you for your kindness. All people do is take your kindness and thoughtfulness for granted. I've had enough of all those bullshit when i was younger. Enough is enough. I don't wanna go through this shit all over. Yet i'm feeling this again.

I'm always end up being close with someone who doesn't need me as much as i need them. I'm always wrong with priorities. I hate it when i put someone first in my heart and that person doesn't. I'm back to square 1. Why.. Twitter makes me depressed. It makes me feel lifeless. I remember the times when i was still working. Aglin always had something on and i had nothing on. Everytime i ask her out, she'd back out on me because she always had something else planned. She was the only friend i knew that also had a long break before school started. The rest of my friends already started school hence they couldnt meet up with me as often as we used to.

I'm at my lowest point right now. Everytime i talk about this i get emotional. I feel so weak. But this is probably what i truly am. If someone were to know i'm feeling like this and ask what's wrong with me, i'd probably just break down infront of her. It's so hard to control tears. Especially when i'm in this state. I hate to cry infront of my friends. I hate to look like a weakling. Now i can hardly even tweet because most of my classmates are following me on twitter and they would probably just look at my tweet and go like "omg she's feeling troubled again" Fuck. I think for my next 3 years of my life, "troubled" will always be heard from the mouths of my classmates. Real friends will not just say i looked troubled and do nothing about it. Real friends will try and be there for me even if they can't do anything about it.

I always wanted a friendship everyone would be jealous of. But i never was able to achieve that. Never. Cuz I always get tired of trying. I always get tired of being the only one putting in the effort into a friendship. From that, I've come to a conclusion of letting people think that i'm mighty and i only care about myself. I need a cold heart. I need to learn to be cold. As fuck.

I apologise to everyone. I know i'm not a fun girl. I know I can hardly make anyone laugh. I know I'm not a comedian. I know all i do is bring sadness to your life.