Everytime I close my eyes, it's like a dark paradise.

Today i woke up feeling ugly and fat.

Not like I'm not ugly or not fat but yeah i just feel EVEN more ugly and EVEN more fat. :'(

So many things to cry about suddenly. I don't like this feeling. Currently having a very bad headache. I think my room has bad vibez. Lol. 1 more week till I'm flying off to Japan. Sigh I'm just feeling sad about it. This was the exact feeling I felt a week before I left for Europe. But we all know this time's different. I'm really sad and I cannot deny it but I cannot do anything to change it...

:'( hmmm

Once upon a dream

Wednesday night was fun. Hahahaha. Yay met Luv and Chris spotted me!!! Yay he my dance friend that night HAHA~~~ So much more fun than the other night when he was so antisocial, don't even wanna introduce himself what in the. Joey was cray...

Ahhhhh XT's classes ALWAYYYYYS kill me. Why why why but I love it LOL. I love the feeling of being so tired. I love our girls hip hop song!?!?!? Like oh my god he was dissing that song and then he chose that song?! LOL so funny. Sigh I want to perfect the dance.... I don't know how, I really don't know but I'll make sure I'm not the one that stands out in a bad way. I guess that's all I can do right. Just learnt the choreo yesterday so I can't exactly perform full out because I'm obviously not familiar with my steps nor my blocking. Oh my god the blocking.. Make me stress I don't even know where's my line sometimes. My compliment also makes me confused. I love the guys' dance too!!! I have faith we'll look good enough to be on stage. I'm looking forward to it. BUT.. I have to lose allll the weight that i've gained over the past 4 months. WHY?! Cuz of the Yfest costume. Sigh people only need to worry about their tummies being exposed. But I need to worry about my boobs, my arms and my tummy. NOT FUNNY. Sigh gonna make sure I lose them all. I can do it

Spent the whole afternoon with Jingwen Edem and Andrea. Hear them talk I very stressed also. LOL SHAN IS FOREVER EVER STRESSED OVER THE STUPIDEST THINGS. No this is not stupid ok this concerns my future. Sigh what is life

I slept at 8.30pm yestesday!!! BELIEVE IT MAN BELIEVE IT. 8 FREAKING 30 PM IN THE NIGHTTTT. Amazing or amazing???? I woke up at 4-ish in the morning but I was still so tired. I tried picking up my phone cuz I thought I was awake but nooooo. I dropped my phone and I continued sleeping. LOL slept all the way till 11ish. Awaken by Andrea's phone call. I didn't even really know how I woke up by the call because I silent my phone. FOR THE FIRST TIME TOO. I didn't want people to disturb my sleep so I silent it. & I still woke up because of her call. Alamak.

Followed her to a very ulu place at serangoon north and I was so damn bored for 40minutes. Not helping that my neck was aching like crazy.. LOL went AMK after that to catch Maleficent!!! YAY I'M SO HAPPY THE MOVIE DIDN'T DISAPPOINT ME!!! I've been waiting for that movie for almost 2 years okay!!!! Oh my god~~~ Knew it'd be awesome. Such a beautiful movie omg I'm so tempted to spoil it over here. YOU SEEEEE VILLAINS HAVE HEARTS TOO, EVERYONE DOES OKAY. Muacks muacks muacks I'd totally watch it again~~ I definitely love Maleficient more than Sleeping Beauty. That's for sure. I loved how they made the movie the Villain the star of the show. I love it la guys just go watch it okay you'll love it.

GUYS YA HAPPY FOR ME? I finally cut my fugly long hair after..... 2 years. LMAO the last time I cut my hair was.... November 2012. Yes I chopped off almost 6inches off. Sounds like ALOOOT but no. My hair length kinda reached my belly button before I chopped it. & now it's like... My boob area? It feels short on me but I think.... No one would even notice it. Hmmmm hahaha!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY TIMES I'VE BEEN WANTING TO CUT MY HAIR K. But people keep saying what I have so little hair and I look better in long hair. And I also think I won't suit short hair because my face so big and so round.... BUT WHATEVER SO MANY SPLIT ENDS I also cannot stand it anymore. It's not short hair anyway.. & I didn't layer it. So it'll look fuller lol -_- Yeah that's that...~

And of course, I shall end off the day with yet another article that matches my heart so well as of now. :) Goodnight xx

"Listen though, I didn’t think we’d last. I didn’t have any illusions that we’d ever be in any relationship — I wouldn’t have wanted that. I did assume that I would be in your proximity long enough — I was content in my fascination with you — that I wouldn’t mind. You were the only one I wanted. I held you so much above other boys. Why? Why did I pretend that you were different or that I was different? I wanted so much to imagine we weren’t a typical “just acceptable for college thing.” I wanted to think your texts, your smiles, your gestures meant more. When your facade was lowered, I refused to see you for you. I blocked it out of memory, excusing it as some temporary misfire. Those hissing and shouting from the sidelines — I didn’t heed them — they didn’t know — they couldn’t grasp what I was feeling with you, what you made me feel when I was in your arms. When I was the object of your affections.

You made my blood rush, my head pound, my stomach go numb. No one else did that for me, to me. I wanted you to be wrapped up in me. I wanted to end every night with you. I wanted to discover you. You were fascinating. I never understood how you ticked. And that irked me to my core. I pretended I always wanted nothing more than friendship — really, I think I wanted proximity to try to figure you out. You were always this above-earth thing in my head. Something I wrote about and thought about that ingrained you and made you something of a legend in my mind. I wasn’t resentful you took my innocence, although I cry for the lost innocent girl that once was. Who knew nothing of how to act and what to expect in the chaos that was college.

And now? Any semblance to me that you cared was only half-formed, half-carried through. I would always overanalyze, overthink what you meant — trying to make it seem more than it was. I never told you. I liked to believe I was confrontational but whenever there was opportunity — I pushed it back down afraid of what I might find out if I dug too deep. There were days I would avoid seeing you or would see you but never say anything. I remember once we stood side by side, never greeted each other, never exchanged a word and it stuck with me all day. The thing is, I tried. Not as hard as I should have. But my apathy towards appearing vulnerable and desperate steered me clear from acting on instinct. You were all in my head. The mind of a innocent girl who never knew any different — who was blinded with how much you appeared, never truly looking back to see how much you weren’t." 

- If you were never mine, why does it still hurt so much? 

Closure

Today was one helluva weird day.

I woke up late. Ate my brunch. Decided to eat what my maid cooked for dinner. But daddy called me at 5.30 and tell me that he wanted to go Lola's Cafe because he just heard about that place. Weird....... I mean c'mon I think I've established the fact that every time my dad goes to a western cafe, his face just kinda turns black..? I mean that was what happened the last time we went to P.S Cafe. And well... I can see he is trying to get close to me again. Lol the last time I felt like this was when I was going through my depression rebellious phase in Sec 2 man.

Was watching 2 broke girls the whole day.... Talking to Yvonne but this girl suddenly had the urge to call me, god knows why. But obviously she couldn't since she's in Aussie cuz my bill would have burst. So I said "There's this something called FaceTime Audio which I've heard that's free". Then she tried using her iTouch and she ended up Facetiming me. Wut. HOW RANDOM HAHAHA. I really can't forget her epic face when the call connected. Cuz it's been like almost 5 months since we last saw each other. HAHAHA OH MY GOD SO EPIC. Couldn't stop laughing oh my god. Half the time she was actually lagging and every time I tried to screenshot it's actually very unglam. I've posted this on twitter. This was already the best shot that I could capture.

Then in the night, mummy called me....?! Whatttttt. She called me just to say "Hiiiiiii~ Are you okay? Okay byeeee" What in the... suddenly i feel like my parents are trying too hard to be close to me again. After the talk. LOL it's actually quite funny. & She came back with food. Breadtalk. UNBELIEVABLE. SHE NEVER COMES BACK WITH FOOOOOOD. What is going on. Oh wells but I was glad that we kinda talked things out. I actually think we never ever came to a conclusion but I guess I've said my piece. So yeah. & things are good now. 

Also the last thing that I never expected closure to, kinda happened today too. Wow??????? So let me call today the Closure day. What am I supposed to feel ah? I saw this coming and yet, I'm feeling nothing at the moment. BUT ITS OK ALL'S GOOD REALLY. I'm finally relieved~~~~

12 days more till I get to go out of Singapore... Less than a month till.... YFEST PERFORMANCE. & We're not even done with half the choreography. I'm stressing out because I will definitely miss one practice. We all know how slow I am at learning things. Sigh I am gonna die so badly T_T SAVE ME 

The party don't start till i walk in

Having a lot of issues with my dad and have been "quarreling" or "talking" to him since last night. Obviously nothing is resolved and I'm tired of this shit. There are too many differences in our way of thinking okay. This can never change.

Went to party with Luvenia, Liqian and Malvick yesterday. Met Luv first and we went together. Gosh man I loved yesterday night so much!!!!! I felt so flattered by the number of people who kept coming up to me. Thanks thanks. Annoying but thanks. I was dancing the night away!!!! Definitely burnt the dance floor woohoo. So fun omg I'm suddenly proud to be a dancer WOOHOO!! Everytime I felt constricted I just move to an emptier place. It was amazing. Was able to see the people around me and what they were doing. HAHAHA it was actually quite hilarious. Loved that Jolvest and co were so entertaining. Gosh they definitely made my night. But Rohi came so late!!! Aw man. Wasn't really paying attention to Liqian the whole night because she was with Malvick.... So yeah LOL. Kept trying to escape from them and they kept coming back haha. I felt so free though!!! I actually went around dancing alone with random people HAHA SO HAPPY. Love F.club okay I love that place. Only because the awesomest party people are there.

Liqian and Malvick slept over.... I didn't really know what I was hearing last night la. Totally tried to pretend that I wasn't eavesdropping but obviously I couldn't right.... LOL well well well. Didn't slept well.. Of course I didn't. I never ever sleep well after clubbing. Slept at 4.30 and I woke up at 8.30.. Just forced myself to continue sleeping till 12. Woke up sooooo many times in between. So annoyed because Malvick's phone kepttttt ringing. It sounded like an alarm but IT NEVER WENT OFFFFF. For almost an hour. Thank god the ringtone was actually very soothing to the ears or else I would've killed him. 

I'm still very tired... Of course I am la. The night before I slept at 8am... and woke up at 11am. Went for 2 dance classes without having any food. Reached home at almost 5, had long sad depressing conversation/argument with my dad till 8pm. It was crazy... Couldn't even take a short nap before clubbing... It was crazaye but I love it. No regrets baby can't wait for the next time.

As of now, next week I'm quite free.... That means I can... save money. 

What?

oink oink

Hi. Oh my god I've actually been blogging but I keep leaving it there like I don't finish my posts. So i never ever end up uploading it. HAHAHAHA So I have to keep re writing it cuz everyday is a new day!!!! 

So it's been one exciting week. Not exactly la but I kinda didn't really planned this week. It just happened. So I stayed home on Monday and saved my daily allowance. I thought I'd stay home on Tuesday too but no. I went out with Becky. Thankfully I didn't spend that much and I went home early so that's a good thing. 

But Wednesday came, and I went out with Andrea to the Cat Cafe. Lunch was pretty expensive too. Ate expensive ice cream. & Bought green tea kit kat which was obviously expensive but anything greentea is worth it. Had KFC bucket rice AND THEN..... Red Velvet waffles for supper. SO MUCH FOOD IN A DAY IT'S CRAZY. Imagine the amount of money I spent that day. No I don't wanna count. Liqian stayed over at my place. <- this was kinda impromptu too!!!!

Then Thursday was planned last minute too. Because XT is such a last minute person. He told us Yfest people weren't needed. & the rehearsal was used for another show which I can't do cuz I wouldn't be in SG. So Andrea wanted to dance. & I suggested we go Danzpeople!!! Of course la k that's my home base k hahahaha. & in the middle of the night she told me she wanted to watch X-men. & I said okay. SOOOOOO.... I spent money on my movie ticket, a cup of starbucks coffee, awesome makisan sushi that I didn't regret at all, and $40 on 4 dance classes..... 

SAVE ME SAVE ME WHAT IS THIS. I was supposed to save money okay. I was so determined on Sunday and this happened. Alright it's Friday now and yes I AM STAYING HOME TODAY SO I CAN SAVE MY ALLOWANCE SO I CAN GO OUT ON SATURDAY. Goodness gracious this is so torturing. It's like I have a life but..... I feel like it's so tiring to keep up with life because having a life also means needing to have a lot of money okay. & it's really very annoying to keep asking my parents for money and all they can think of is "my daughter only talks to me when she needs money" IT'S NOT LIKE THAT OKAY but no they will never understand. ESPECIALLY MY DAD!!! Forever mentioning this whenever he lectures me about stuff. Also always mentioning how he feels like he's a taxi driver every time he fetches me when it's late. I'll be like "Ok then I'll come back myself everyday then stop saying you're a freaking taxi driver" Like gosh this is never-ending. I don't get why he will keep mentioning this and then he will say "No i am not complaining I am just telling you this is what I'll do for my daughter." LIKE OK ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY?!?!?!? Don't understand your point at all. I can give you back my life cuz I have no money to give you back as of now. 

I know that I'm not spending enough time with the family but they are not exactly trying either so I'm just like ....... what in the world. & every time when we DO spend time together, everyone is just either on their phones or my whole family is talking about their fish business THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE ME. What??????? LIKE WHAT. Of course if they want to include me they will ask me about school-related stuff and I'm kinda just not ready for that talk yet so I'm escaping it. Like I don't have any freaking plans yet & i'm freaking out too but no one freaking knows. SO YAHHHHH stupid life of mine really driving me crazy. 

Argh don't really know why I'm ranting about this right now but yeah. I'm like going around to look for a part time job but no one seems to be hiring and it's also really pissing me off. People who don't wanna share opportunities with me ALSO PISSING ME OFF. Roar why is money such a big problem to the world. Why. Can't everything just be cheaper HUH.

Okay enough of that jazz I'm done ranting about the same thing over and over again like I still find no solution to that problem sigh pies. Sigh parents issues i don't know how to deal with them. But I just am kinda thankful that they are so much more open now compared to when I was younger. Sigh my younger hell days. I really wish I can forget. So vivid in my mind. Every freaking depressing moment. FUCKKKKKK argh 

Hmmm alright so people been asking me weird ass questions that I don't know how to answer lately. Then I came across this article on thoughtcatalog a few days back. Lol I don't know la, some of the articles really really reallyyyyy hit me so bad. I don't know why people ask me to stop reading it. I mean I don't find that it's bad. It's titled "Confessions of a brokenhearted girl". Well kudos to whoever who wrote that because that's exactly how I feel. I quote the writer, word for word. 

I wish I was as strong as everybody thinks I am. I am the girl who can get through anything. The girl who breezes through heartbreaks. The girl who can find someone else, someone better, always. The girl who is so independent, so strong, so willed. Or so they think.

I wish I was as numb as I’d like to think. The girl who doesn’t feel anymore. The girl who doesn’t care. The selfish, self-interested girl who couldn’t care less about what anyone has to say.

But actually, I am not.

My heart is broken. It feels like it’s in pieces, and every piece has a jagged end. These edges poke at me from the inside every time I move. Even every time I breathe. I am fine on the outside. My hair is straightened out, my eyelashes curled, my outfit chic. I have my chin held high, my mouth in a coy smile. But inside, I am bleeding. Sometimes I even wonder how I am able to survive. Sometimes the pain isn’t even metaphorical. It is real. Like someone is squeezing my heart, like I’m having a cardiac arrest, like I just want to curl and throw up. I find the sight of food revolting. They would all ask if I’m okay when they hear the news. And I will say I’m fine, with a smile that I don’t even know how I muster.

My hands are shaking as I type this. I need to do some work, and I do it in a trance. If I digress, I start to feel. I can’t afford to feel. I feel like I just need an explanation. I cannot move on without an understanding. But at the same time I know that not everything needs to be explained. Not everything needs to be known. Sometimes, it just is.

What is holding me back? Nothing. No one but myself. I’d like to think I want to hold on to the memories, but it hasn’t been that long. I’m somehow scared I won’t find anyone else, but we all know that’s not true. There will always be better ones. My pride is hurt. My ego is beyond damaged. I’m confused, angry, and hurt at the same time. On the other hand, I feel liberated, free, I feel…enlightened. But I need to decide.

So yeah i'm kinda feeling miserable yet at the same time... relieved and enlightened? WHATEVZZZZZ really I just need to sort my life out first. This love love like crush shit all. Seriously emotionally draining me like for what also I don't understand. Lifeeeeee save me. God's been helping me with a lot of things lately omg thank you lord. I feel so thankful in so many ways I even feel like I need to go to church to confess all my sins HAHAHAHA I AM NOT KIDDING. 

Why do I feel so crazy at almost 1am in the morn gosh. I need my spaghetti. Yes i'm gonna heat up my spaghetti and watch the latest episode of "Faking it". Goodnight babies

HAPPY SUNDAY

Wow I'm amazed at myself for being able to wake up this morning. Of course right now I'm really dead tired and my eyes are so sore. I slept at almost 5 last night and I woke up at 9. Plus, my phone's ringer was put at it's lowest volume (technically no sound la) because I probably forgot to switch it on. So, I woke up from it's VIBRATION. UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE.

Me and Andrea took a bus to the place and was stuck at the bus stop with Ezekiel Sean and Patrick. Why? CUZ IT SUDDENLY RAINED SO FREAKING HEAVILY and we had no umbrella. HAHAHA unlucky me dark clouds following me wherever I go. Actually me and Andrea reached way before Ezekiel and Sean came. & We already saw Patrick there but didn't say hi because even though we knew who he was, we didn't really know him? He wasn't even an acquaintance so it was kinda weird.... Ezekiel made it even weirder. He asked "Do you know him?" & we were like "Er yeah kinda, but no not really...." So he introduced us and then he asked "Why never say hi just now?" ERRRRRR because yeah we don't really know him!? LOL last warning Ezekiel.

When we reached there, saw many familiar lasalle faces. One of them was Shawn!!!!!! Finally got to hang out with him!!! The last time we actually had a real conversation was like...... MARCH?!?!?! Because April was assessment month so even though I see him around in school it was always a hi-bye situation. & of course he would always say "hang out soon!" "catch up soon!" but soon is always not soon enough. So yeah this gig made me had chances to catch up with him with stuff. WOW. So yeah through out the whole gig I was just with Shawn because Andrea was kinda on the other side of the room. Thank god I had company. Before the job ended Shawn was making us take photos. We took so many and he kept saying it didn't look nice because he thought HE didn't look nice in the photo. Aiyo piak!!! Handsome enough la

After the job, my initial plan was to go home. But then Shawn was just hanging around not knowing where to go so we went for dinner. Andrea had to go off because yeah she had family plans. Went to eat some super awesome fried chicken rice at Habourfront and was just catching up with him. This boy really last warning. Before we even sat down he was like "Eh must take photo okay... Then you post on instagram. I cannot post ah. Personal reasons." Of course I was okay with it I love photos HAHA. Then after we bought food he was like "Must take photo first!! I wanna be like the hipster kind." Didn't really knew what that meant. After 10 seconds he just said "Ok la never mind no need take face just take the food. Don't need post also la." I'm like what the no let's just take a freaking photo. He made such a big fuss about it and then he don't wanna take?! NO. LOL So he just posed and I just snapped and when I showed him "Eh wow nice send me okay" Oh my god Shawn being shawn seriously. He's so funny really LOL

So yeah after talking about things with him I realised how similar we are oh my god. Like in terms of how we think of the situation and how we are dealing with it. HAHAHA why so similar.. & then there was one part of the conversation I was actually trying to find excuses for that person. What the fuck, when I myself actually feels exactly how Shawn feels.. Siao sia shan Idk what to say to you. I was so angry last night but right now I'm alright already. Especially after talking to Shawn. Then when I came out of the shower just now I woke up even more. I was like 'YES FINALLY ok this is how I'm gonna deal with this when the time comes.' I am an amazing girl, showers does wonders to me. 

Anywhooooooooo I'm really happy to see this skip and I hope he gets to meet me and Andrea soon despite his busy schedule. WELL NO ONE IS EVER TOO BUSY IF WE'RE IMPORTANT OK. So yeah I'm sure he will find time for us muahahaha. 

FOR ONCE MY SUNDAY IS A GOOD SUNDAY!!!!!!!! YAY 

Puiiiii

I.... had such an awful day. From the moment I woke up till the end of the day. 

So I met up with becks again for a movie in the late afternoon. Heard some news from someone and it obviously kinda spoilt my mood and couldn't keep it off my mind the entire afternoon/night. I feel so sorry for becks sigh why am I always ranting to her abruptly just cuz I can't contain my emotions. But I did enjoy the movie though. Caught The Other Woman and it was awesomezzz~~ 

Went back to school because I had like 2 hours to kill before I met up with Jaz. So I saw Andrea in school. & we kinda hung out at our usual frass and talked. I really think this week I've been so stoned I can't even. People who don't know me might just think I'm on drugs or something. Like today officially marks a week from me being stoned. Yeah fuck this shit. 

Met up with Jaz and on my way there, she just kept thinking I was high or not sober or something. What da heck I didn't even eat ANYTHING let alone drink. Lol.... So when I met her I finally exploded and she understood why I sounded high. Yeah I just went bonkers because I had so much shit on my mind that I needed to say something to someone. I was so damn happy that I could meet and talk to someone especially at that point in time. SO THANKFUL TO YOU BABY YOU HAVE NO IDEA. 

Yeah right now I'm kinda back to reality yet again and I'm just like what the fuck everything just feels surreal so I'm back to stoning. When I reached home, I literally didn't do anything for like a good whole 30min. SIAO SIA shan you really siao liao. 

Whateverz I'll deal with shit when the time is right. So as of now, shan is already mad with her fucked up no future life. So yeah goodnight 

I actually planned to party this weekend. But I don't know how I just psychoed myself out of it. Lol I'm amazing. Didn't want to waste my time feeling wasted in the club and feeling like shit the next day. Wow and an article kinda made me even more determined to stay home. LOL. I just like staying out late at night. I just wish there were more things to do at night you know. I'm such a night person I hate going out in the afternoon when the sun is up. It annoys me that the world is so bright. LOL!!!! I'm dead serious. I really wish people slept in the morning and afternoons and our lives start in the night. I mean yeah that's called night life but I want something more than just partying.... Like staying over at the beach just to talk and chill and see the night sky, with maybe a glass of Cosmo. Or maybe just cycling along the shores... That's the kind of life I want!!!!! Not get wasted and cry because I can't puke the shit that I drank....

I'm currently at the state where I just stone everyday because I refuse to think not plan my life out. There's so much to think about I just wanna escape. My future is such a blur and conversations that I hear about me..... and my future..... There's no light man. Someone please tell me what to do if I ever retain. Concentrate on hip hop? How on earth? I don't even have any connections. Don't even have any experience. Don't even know where to start. Cries I feel so sad for myself but that's like self pitying and no I don't wanna freaking self pity myself! LOL 

I also don't know why I've been sick for so long. This is the second week of me being sick already!!!! So torturing... I definitely missing out on life. Haha my yolo moments. I need a friend who wants to yolo with me HAHAHAHA. Gosh what am I talking about my Friday night was sad & I can't take it. I hope tomorrow will be a better day. Looooong day tomorrow. Next week will be a better week. I foresee it. Just hope Lili doesn't pangseh. I'm pathetic. I meet up with Becky so often nowadays it's as if I'm meeting up with my boyfriend for dates. I talk to Andrea on the phone every night for so many hours, also as if I'm talking to my boyfriend every night. But wow I'm single as fuck. Hi guys. HAHAHAHA... 

Movie marathon right now. Can't wait for my face to freaking recoverrrrrr 

Hello, hello? Can can you hear me?

Alright hi there I'm back. For the first time this time I chose to go missing in action. Because every time I try to sit down and blog I think of so many reasons why I shouldn't. I don't know there's honestly a lot on my mind right now and you might find it weird because it's the holidays, so why are there things on my mind huh. I don't know either. I just want to leave Singapore for the whole holiday if that's even possible. That gives me a reason to leave my phone off and not contactable. I feel like people take my presence for granted. I don't like it and I hate it.

So I recently met up with Liqian and she broke my heart. Sigh I could feel so much hurt and see so much sadness in her eyes it was crazy. I wanted to hug her so tight and tell her that things are going to be alright... But I don't know. I myself is at a wtf state and here I am trying to make everyone else feel better about their own sad situations. WHY!!!! Been hanging out with Becky a lot and I'm not exactly sure of what to say when she asks me for advice because LOOK AT WHERE I AM. If my own advices worked I guess I probably wouldn't be at the state I'm at.

I honestly see no hope in this situation. Part of me wants to just settle it all but I seriously can't think of a way to even bring up the conversation. If I don't, this is gonna haunt me for the rest of my life every time he appears in front of me. & Of course, another way, the easy way out, is to pretend nothing ever happened and just carry on with life. Also admit that things will never ever ever be the same again.

I tried though. I started the conversation all cool and shit.. Pretended that we're on talking terms. Pretended that all's fine. Pretended that he haven't been ignoring me when he saw me in school the last few weeks. Pretended that I didn't know what he knows that he's not supposed to. He destroyed my coolness by replying 4 days later and his reply sounded pretty depressed at that.

Sigh he obviously didn't really felt like talking, nor catch up. I feel like shit and at the same time.... Time to let go. I'm sick of trying. I've lost myself, entirely. Call me a coward for taking the second option. But really my heart's not strong enough to keep holding on to nothing.. I guess I'm not the person he thought I'd be anyway. Sorry it's been bothering me for the longest time. If I can't even accept myself how am I supposed to expect him to not judge me for what I did? Seriously.

Heading to Japan on the 8th June... When I head to the airport this time, all I will be able to think of is my trip to Europe. I can just sense my future sadness. How is it even possible right? How you will not even know that I'm gonna be out of town. I just don't feel cared for anymore. Not a single bit. & it sucks.

I really need that new job. Faster call me up. Sick of stoning at home already. I want to meet new people. 

Maybe.....

OLLA!

I've been having an extremely bad migraine since yesterday (till now) and I don't seem to know what's the cause of it. Of course today's a lot better. Hoho I guess spending with a good friend helps~

So I had my first Yfest rehearsal with XT today. GOSH intense much? I guess it's because I haven't been dancing hip hop for quite awhile now. I'm so rusty IT'S CRAZY. But you know what? I'm proud of myself! I could actually catch up the steps and perform (kinda..? not really). Plus XT's hip hop style is SO NOT MY STYLE. I am so not prepared to look like a kuku on stage. I'm kinda happy that I'm not exactly in the front but.... I'm kinda like in the middle for this so-not-my-style choreography and.... yeah god bless me. That spot kinda makes me want to improve so I really won't look like a kuku during performance day and at the same time, OF COURSE STRESS CUZ SYARIL IS RIGHT INFRONT OF ME WOOHOO not funny. We all know how powerful he is. l o l

Went for Kayte's class on Tuesday night and wow the choreography was so fast I was just like GAWD. So only like 4 people came for class. She hasn't been teaching cuz she's sick. So I guess people thought her class wasn't on. Out of the 4 people, only I could somehow catch the steps plus the timing.... But it was anyhow. I felt so damn stressed when it came to the hardest part and everyone just stopped and looked at me, because I was the only one who got it. They didn't even bother attempting to try it out. I got so annoyed because then Kayte was only staring at me and if I did it wrong it was just MEH. This stupid angmoh girl trying to be hip and all.... Pretending to be all pro and shit. Then she couldn't even remember the steps. So annoying because she was so proud when the class started. & when her body couldn't do a right torso roll, she asked Kayte if she could change it to the left side. GURL WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE, ASKIN THE CHOREOGRAPHER TO CHANGE HER CHOREOGRAPHY. Your body cannot geddit then practice until you geddit la! Kanasaiiii.

Okay spent the rest of my day with Becky today. Hahaha she made me laugh so much today I can't even. But yeah I'm happy she made my day. Of course I don't exactly seem assured about anything that's about to happen in the future... But... I don't know. Maybe, just maybe.... I'll stick around a little longer?..... WHAT AM I SAYING JKCNJKLSECMISLKM but yeah.

"Parallel lives are no different to parallel lines. They can never run perpendicular to each other. It violates the fundamental properties of geometry. Like the lines that extend towards the horizon, we will always be the same distance apart and never touching. As pragmatic and nonchalant this choice has forced me to become, you lived rent free in my head while I only had a fugacious claim to your heart. The trajectory of our paths has now returned to the direction of a lifetime of 'almosts'. Admittedly, I abscond this reality, and I find myself walking down memory lane because I like running into you there. 

Between you and I, I've imagined that our horizons still clutch at lightning speeds in spite of the 23 light year distance. Even now, I long for you to call me if our paths may collide again." 

& i mean it. The last sentence of the last paragraph. I really believe he will talk to me soon..... I really don't know where this is coming from but I really do believe that. I am not hoping for anything. I just feel it. But as always, it's just not the right time yet?

Goodnight. 

& there i was thinking, "maybe you'd come around."

So I slept before 1am last night and I woke up at 9am this morning. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?!?! Have been sleeping after 4am for the last 2 weeks and waking up after 2pm everyday. & yesterday it was just WOW. I just slept.

Went to school for the programme meeting and had awesome indian lunch with my friends. Then went to meet Becky for even more food. So I've revealed everything to her. Didn't really knew why I decided to say the whole story again. Definitely didn't made me feel any better. Because I know this time, for real nothing's gonna change and..... I don't really care anymore. Like honestly. I can't deal with people living with assumptions. I just can't. I'm sad but..... but nothing i guess.

I'm tired. & I still have to wait for a month more till I can get out of Singapore. Sigh to the pie.

"It all seems so simple, but it was definitely enough for me to value you as a special person in my life, too. You don't have to question my feelings over and over again because you know the answer. You knew it. Its just that today, we're not on the same boat anymore, and that's why it bothers you now. You recognise that special feeling because you also have it. You had it. Perhaps time isn't really on our side and maybe, just maybe, I didn't really have an impact on your everyday life like how you were able to affect mine. But I'm thankful that, even for a while, I became a part of your routine."

Solitude

"I cannot seem to say these words aloud. To me, saying goodbye had always seemed so final. Life is crazy like that. People come in and out of your life; neither one is ever expected. I have found, however, that some people will always come back to you. The ones that are meant to be in your life will return somewhere down the road. Unfortunately, I do not believe you will ever return. That is why I have to say goodbye." 

Yesterday... was one hell of an unexpected night. So many of my seniors were at Fclub. Literally the whole BA 3 class. Edem and Jacob and Syaril... of course ma homies Andrea Jingwen Luvenia and Laban, Sonia too. Gosh LASALLE party sia serious. So I saw Megan after 2 freaking years. WOW by coincidence some more. Amazing :') I'll never forget those times where we spazz over Bang Mir muahahaha. & Sitifarah. Well she definitely haven't changed. HAHA. 

My night was going so well..... & fun.. & then I lose control. Argh. I actually remembered everything that has happened. I feel like I was just asking for it. Why am I such a Serena when it comes to partying. WHY AM I SO CRAZY WHEN I AM HIGH. It's crazy and shocking. YES I'm shocked at myself I can't imagine what the others think of me now. Sigh eh whatevers I live this year with everyone judging me like crazy I can't even be bothered anymore. Like what didn't I say I only club when I'm sad? YES I STILL STAND BY THAT RULE. So what's wrong with going all out? Lol ok I didn't meant for any of that shit to happen honestly. I also thought there wouldn't be much drinks to begin with. But wow hohoho yesterday was AWESUMMMMMM. I go there to see Rohi only HAHA. I swear he's so my type but he's so freaking attached. This is extreme sadness I can't even. Woohoo my eye candy so cute

Honestly out of all the photos I took, this was the one and only clearest photos. WELL THANK GOD? HAHAHA. I was so sad they didn't post our group photo the other time okay! Sigh and he was inside the photo somemore.. How dare they!!!!!  

I really hope I'll wake up in time tomorrow. By 12 tonight I'll be in bed. I PROMISE hahaha. 

I'm here without you baby, but you're still with me in my dreams

So yesterday when I went to school, I realised I was FOH instead of usher. I've never been foh in my lifeeee. Hahaha I'm happy I finally got FOH role. Woohoo no need stand for 1.5hours!!!!! Woohoo!! LOL

My face is getting so bad again omg there's twice in a year where my face will break out like crazy. 1.  Summer. (July) 2. End Autumn. (November) I don't know why I'm getting it so bad when it's only April. Gosh I can't stand it I guess I'm gonna have to go on medication again. When my face is liddat I really hate to face the world. Wanna lock myself up and not even go out. Sigh even make up doesn't help. Yeah I'm just that conscious, sorry not sorry.

I don't know what I want to do now. I don't know what I should do now. I've just been in a daze, reading through my drafts on tumblr. Like why do I draft them.... I have no courage to post them up. It's so true to my feelings I feel extremely exposed if I post them up. No. If you think my blog is exposed, you haven't seen my tumblr drafts yet honestly. Lol well you never will. It's drafted for a reason. Hahahaha.

"Standing underneath your window, searching for some kind of sign

Every move, every tiny gesture only proves that you're not mine

I could write you a thousand love songs, search the world for the perfect tune and rhyme

But what good would it be if it seems like I'm out of time?"

Tomorrow is Friday again. Another day like the 28th of March. Lol? Like what the hell. I can already foresee myself being so fucking dazed throughout the entire day and.... I will have to smile and look bright in front of the visitors who come for Beneath our feet tomorrow. Wow shan good luck to you. I wonder how am I gonna do that because everyone knows how bad I am at smiling when I obviously am not happy. Sigh and yeah another Saturday night out with the girls I guess? -stabs self-

I hate this. I just need some source of comfort EXCEPT FOOD but right now everyone that I love is either schooling or intern-ing. I'm just...... PRETENDING I'M NOT FEELING ANYTHING because feelings are too much of a burden to me. I can't handle it i really can't. Insomnia for the past 2 weeks IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY ANYMORE. :'( I'm too tired of telling people what's been happening. Because they are also getting tired of it. So yeah I'm all in this alone. Ho ho ho. Not helping that my mom aint confirming the dates that we're flying off STILL. Come on give me something to look forward to. Let me escape. I want to run away for good.

This is so random but I really loved math in Sec school. Like that's the one lesson I can just slack away (besides chinese) because it's easy!? When I was in Sec 1 and I realised math didn't have all those fucked up problem sums that cost like 60% of my score, I WAS SO DAMN HAPPY. Albegra was so damn easy and I just kept getting like A's. LOL I did struggle a lil during the end of Sec 3 because I couldn't be bothered to remember formulas and because I just simply decided to not study at all that's why I almost retained. HAHAHA. I know I'm one weird kid but yeah. Hated Science though. Hated it to the core. Been failing almost my entire school life. Since p4 till Sec 4. HAHAHA. O level's also failed. I still have the message from my Chem tutor. She was so disappointed in me when I told her I got a D7 and she told me to apologise to my parents. I was like WHAT excuse me from F9 to D7 that's a freaking improvement. HAHAHAHA but yeah la seriously. Hated Science. Maybe if I had taken Physics instead it would've been a different story. The only tests that I've passed for Science were my Physics tests... LOL.

Sec 3 was really my downfall year la really. I failed English throughout the year except EOY. ENGLISH. I FAILED ENGLISH. Never in my life did I think I would've failed English. Well.... stupid comprehensions... I hated them. They were all so long and dry LIKE WHY DO YOU GIVE ME AN ARTICLE THAT'S SO BORING. Need to write summary some more. COME ON WE ALL KNOW HOW LONG AND WHINY I AM 150 WORDS IS NOT ENOUGH. When I reached Sec 4 I realised they kinda.... purposely fail us one lor. Chey stupid. So demoralising man. My Chinese was actually scoring better than my English. HOW CRAY IS THAT. Because I was always failing, they put me under the B4 category. Like I'm supposed to get at least a B4 for O's. I kept failing I really thought if I could get a freaking C6 I'd be so damn happy. But yeah whatevers I got a B4 anyways. LOL. & YEAH MY CHINESE STILL GOT A HIGHER GRADE THAN MY ENGLISH.

I got a B3. My chinese teacher couldn't believe me at all. He was so sure that I'd retake Chinese again. On the day the Chinese results were released, he walked past me and said "Aiya you cannot make it one. Confirm retake." I was like no even if I scored a C I am so not retaking. THEN COME OUT B3 Kanasai stupid teacher last warning. He hated me because I was such a ninja in class. Well he named me the girl ninja. YEAH COME ON I DON'T LIKE TALKING LA CANNOT MEH. LOL as long as I do well in my exams can already what. Argh. Never understood teachers that forces me to talk. It's so annoying. There was this time he had a feedback session with us one on one. He totally scolded me for not talking or asking him anything. He looked at my essay and he was like "From the looks of this you will definitely not make it. Don't say B4 la I think C6 also cannot make it. You continue to be this ninja in class you'll continue remaining in this standard." KANASAI. & that time he said anyone who scored a B3 above he'd treat us to Sushi buffet. I SHOULD'VE WENT!!!!! Just to rub it in his face that I got a freaking B3. How dare he think I would fail argh. First thing I did was "MR ONG FREAKING B3 OK." Wa he nothing to say.

Obviously failed my humanities too because I just can't be bothered to remember the essays. Forever sleeping in History class because my teacher's voice was sooooo damn monotone and she kept on reading off the slides. & whatever that she was teaching I could read from the book so I really didn't understand the point of humanities class. All I had to do was remember the whole god damn book. Having that class was redundant to me so it was a sleeping class for me. I didn't fail math though. I got like C5-C6 which was obviously a fail for me since I've always been at an A or lowest B3.

So yeah I only started studying for EOY and thank god EOYs held like 40% of the overall score so I managed to promote. Woohoo. Don't really know what got into me to write about my Sec school life. I guess because I saw my brother studying for his Geog exams yesterday till like 12 and I was like wow I didn't even study that early. HAHAHA. Ah sigh hated studying. Forever and ever ok. I only woke up and studying mugging like fucking crazy after I saw how horrible my prelim points were. Freaking 35-40 pointer ok. It was so damn ridiculous I didn't even know what to say to myself. LOL.

Alright I can feel myself stoning now. Don't ask me why I'm so emotionless tomorrow if you see me. Cuz I just am. Gosh I don't even need weed to stone yo goodnight (not)