"It's bittersweet to re-read our old conversations. I can actually recall the thoughts that were going through my head at those exact moments in time. Right now, our connection remains, it’s floating somewhere, but I’m not sure how to find it. The conversations are still here, though. It’s always nice to have proof that something existed."

I guess I've read through it so many times I even remember every freaking moment of our conversation right now. I guess it's a bad thing... Like because that's all we have. It stopped there. Memories created with you just ends there. I wanted so much more. I guess that was where I went wrong. I appreciated every moment I had with that person but yet I always felt like it was not enough. I always felt like we could have created so much more memories but he chose not to. Because I was just not that important.

I was typing everything that has happened in my notes yesterday night. In total it was almost 2000 words. (It would've been 2000 words if I typed in proper English and sentences and if I hadn't missed out some unimportant parts) & I typed it out in 40minutes. I really can't believe how vivid every moment was to me. How is it even possible? Even dreams of that specific person.... I REMEMBER SUPER CLEARLY. It scares me to know that 4 months have passed and NOTHING has changed and yet.... so much has changed. Yes sigh I don't feel like anything's gonna happen anymore. Wait for assessments to finish or not.... Doesn't really matter. If this person doesn't even think of me now, what makes myself think that he will when his assessments are over? Right? I so stupid sometimes I can't even. Need to band my head on the wall again. 

I'm just comparing it to last semester... At least last semester even though he rarely continued the conversation, there'd be random 'how are you' messages regardless of how busy he was. Now it's just... sigh haha. That's what I meant. I appreciated the times that he'd check up on me on random times but at the same time, I was so annoyed that he always stopped the conversation even when we could've talked about so much more things. Now good for me la don't even have conversation. I'm so sad but sad got use meh? It has always been like that what. It's just that I've been having so much distractions around me that I have less time to think about this. Now that I'm always by myself and I have so much time to think of what I can do.... Yeah time to face reality. Don't wanna live in denial, that's not my thing. 

Woohoo come on barbie lets go party tomorrow's Wednesday already... That time of the year where I have to usher freaking grad show... Stand there and watch freaking show for 1.5hours okay not funny. Really hope I'll have a tgiw night... Please i need it  

Come home

So I've been hunting for new series to watch but nothing seemed to have caught my attention. I tried The Originals.... But my attention didn't even last an episode. & then i tried Game of Thrones... I lasted through like 4 episodes but I don't really know the whole craze about it. I mean I watch because.... HAHA Emilia Clarke is so damn goddess looking. & her freaking skin is so flawless LIKE HOW IS THERE NOT EVEN A SINGLE SCAR ON HER NAKED BODY. Yes there are soooo many naked scenes. & I live in the generation where looking at naked things aren't a big hoohaa. So yeah of course I wasn't surprised that it's so open. Just..... watch for Emilia Clarke's gorgeous bod~~~ HAHAHA 

This morning I downloaded a few random shows here and there. NOPE couldn't even last through one episode so I deleted them off my computer. & was clearing shows or movies that I didn't want to keep. & I saw Gossip Girl. SO..... I AM CURRENTLY REWATCHING IT AGAIN~~~~ Woohoo Gossip Girl is the one and only series that I can watch like 10 hours straight. Or even more than that if I'm home the whole day. That's how I finished 3 seasons in like a week. DONT ASK ME HOW. It's just soooooo addictive. & I seriously love their lives. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. I feel like I've said this before. HAAHA I cannot I really want to live like them. I wish I was born like that. So amazing I love it. The other show that I can rewatch many times and not get sick of it; Playful Kiss. Oh wells because I was such an oh ha ni when I was in secondary school. I kinda think I can sit through the whole Awkward season but.... nothing beats Gossip Girl. Woohoo yay! 

Went for basic groove class earlier on. Wells... It was supposed to be Kayte's class but on my way there, she tweeted that she won't be teaching and Alex would be taking over. So I couldn't just go home right so I still went. I knew it. His groove was soooooo XT. Song choice also XT. Ok no I actually think Alex's music is better. It was fun though~~~ I liked it when he came in between me and this other regular and do his groove. Everytime he's near me I can feel his groove so I can you know... groove better. I don't know if you can understand this but maybe it's just me. Eh the most awkward thing was that... His cologne.... REMINDED ME OF..... Davin LOL ohmygod. But i still couldn't do this specific combination that XT made us do before. Up bounce with your heading going down wards. GAWD I STILL CAN'T GET IT. I mean I can but.... very anyhow LOL I never felt so disconnected with my body before until I do that combination. Hahaha but I enjoyed. So I might just consider going to his Adv hip hop classes. I just think I might die because his style.... IS SO NOT MY STYLE. It's like lyrical hip hop. Can try la can try hahaha. 

I know it's 3.37am BUT I'M NOT EVEN TIRED WHAT THE. Ok gossip girl time goodbye

There's nothing left

I guess that article that I read yesterday real hit me hard. Gosh it even affected my dreams. It was an article titled "An open letter to the girl I never called back". So yeah... Was reading it and then it came to mind that if you were to ever write a letter to me, that would probably be it. It was so sad and depressing and like I knew it deep down but I just didn't want to admit it.

"I see things clearly now. I’m no longer chasing you anymore, you like me and I know it. I’m no longer nervous and my confidence has a backbone. Over time, I finally get to know the real you, you see the real me.

Eventually your attention becomes exponentially superfluous, and I begin to feel overwhelmed. I secretly wonder, “How did I end up in this situation, it’s like I’ve got a girlfriend or something…” God forbid I ever use the “G” word around you, as it would lead you further down the pseudo-exclusive rabbit-hole I inadvertently dug myself into.

If I didn’t make it official early on, the rest of this story will take a few tangential paths, but ultimately ending in you being hurt. Some exit strategies involve just fading away, which I find better suited to avoid emotionally-driven reactions.

Other guys opt for the tactic akin to ripping off a bandaid, quick and to the point. Some may use the same strategy, but at least provide her with some reasoning behind it (which usually ends with one last round in the sack or a slap to the face, or both).

And there you have it, no more calls, no more texts.

But why the hell would we do such a thing? We worked so hard impress you, charm you — but for what? And how could we just forget all the time we spent together? Well, it could be one of many reasons.

Maybe you were vapid, maybe you were too demanding, maybe you tried to change us — who knows? Or maybe the overly confident, funny and rich ones full of depravity have too many options and you’re competing with a harem of other ladies.

Long story short, when men are done, we’re done. We’re a lot more capable of being dissociative than women are during the end days of a relationship and it frustrates the hell out of you gals.” 

Then of course I've been having insomnia lately so time just flew and I slept at nearly 5 in the morning. I woke up at maybe 9 ish and went back to sleep again. Don't really know what woke me up. I only started dreaming when I went back to sleep again.

My dream was the exact opposite of what I've read in the article. So yeah instead of writing a letter, I received an essay long text from him. IT FELT SO REAL OKAY. They say you can't read in dreams. I swear I was reading like 1/4 of the message before my dream stopped. I kept trying to go back to the dream BECAUSE I BADLY WANT TO READ THE LONG ASS MESSAGE BUT IT JUST WOULDN'T LET ME.

Wanna know why I didn't have enough time to read finish the text? Because half the time I was just checking if it was a dream or if it was real. And scrolling through the message to and fro because I couldn't believe how long that message was. It was really almost equivalent to one of my long blog posts okay. It was so impossible. & Even after numerous time of checking if I was dreaming or if it was real, I still got it wrong. I woke up and I was like F M L STUPID DREAM EVEN IF IT WAS NOT REAL, YOU COULD'VE AT LEAST LET ME READ FINISH THE DAMN MESSAGE RIGHT. :( So sad...

But from the looks of it, like when i glanced through it and managed to read like 1/4 of the message, it was nothing bad. In my head it was like "Woah so he finally decided to wake up. Or decided to do something about this whole messed up situation that I didn't even asked to be in. Finally decided to stop complicating things."

Well... I guess it's just a dream... Lol I know. I've said that my dreams were like a rough gauge to my near future. But this time round I really don't know anymore. Nah. I suddenly have nothing more to say. Like I think I've already said what I wanted to say. I guess I'll just leave it like this lor. If nothing changes.... Then nothing lor.

Forever reading articles that stabs me a million times in the heart. LIKE HOW DO THEY WRITE SO WELL? HOW THEY FIND THE PERFECT WORD TO DESCRIBE HOW THEY FEEL? It's crazy..

The Labyrinth of nothingness. 

It's the heart of the 'I don't knows,' the 'I thinks' and the 'I just don't cares.' It's when we're no longer happy and when we spend a lot of time gloating in the misery in which we willingly glue ourselves. We remain stagnant, refusing to do anything that will make the situation better.

Lately, I've been thinking about the standstill. I've been contemplating why we never do something, or really, anything to get ourselves moving again once we become stagnant. Time isn't waiting, yet we are, and for nothing.  

It's the unknown that scares us and suggests we gloat in our misery. We think it's about not running away, but rather, about staying put and getting through the problem. Yet there's a serious difference between getting through things and gliding over them. The labyrinth isn't a phase that disappears; it's a standstill that begs for someone to make a change, but still we don't. 

We want something we once had so badly that we believe if we stay, we can recreate it. Something convinces your brainwashed mind that it has something onto which is can hold, when really there is nothing left. 

내 마음이 너무 아파요

"You can decorate absence however you want, but you're still going to feel what's missing."

- Siobhan Vivian 

Haha missed my BTT test yesterday. Lol no fate to take the test. Woke up too late in the morn. 

Went out in the evening to meet Jaz. Had awesome Korean food for my breaklunner. It was so awesome!!! I've been craving for korean food for sooooo long. Honestly I don't mind eating korean food again this weekend. HUNGRY GIRL IS HUNGRY. Took one longass ride to Kallang to ice skate. 

Watched SDD Vol 5 today with Andrea!!!! So many amazing crews. I feel so inspired right now I can't even. I feel like I've finally found back my drive my motivation and my passion for dance, something I've lost over the past 6 months. Yes ever since I broke my feet I really have NO FEEL TO DANCE AT ALL. I just move but I'm not dancing. I dance because I have to, not because I want to. I feel so stressed out by school that my passion for dancing has been sucked out of me. I know taking classes outside always makes me feel better but I didn't even have the time to go for that. Even if I did have time, I'd rather spend the time to recuperate at home, to do something else other than dance because when I dance I just think of school. That's how horrible school was for me for the past 4 months. Going to school was a dread. I hated it. Everything about school just makes me want to puke. The people the teachers the lessons EVERYTHING. If it weren't for attendance's sake I really wouldn't be able to wake up everyday. But yeah those 45 crews that I've watched today really inspired me. The super good ones and even the not so good ones. They made me see where I am. They made me see where I want to be. They made me remember why I even went for classes everyday during the holidays last year. Seeing some of my friends on that stage today.... How much improvement they've made... It's amazing. Seeing where they are now just makes me wanna slap myself for giving up. 

Totally didn't regret standing under the hot sun and under the rain for almost 2hours. 

I've really lost myself in these 4 months. Totally. Everything was just fucked up and messed up and I don't even know why I've became like that. I DIDN'T EVEN BOTHERED IF I PUT ON WEIGHT OR NOT. Everyday I just eat like a fucking pig and I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. Because food was the only consolation to my bad days (which is almost everyday). CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT FOR ONCE I DIDN'T EVEN COMPLAIN THAT I'M GAINING WEIGHT. I didn't even say I want to go on a diet. Didn't even say ANYTHING REGARDING MY PHYSICAL APPEARANCE. When I know clearly that I've put on a lot of weight..... WHATEVER THAT SHANETTE IS GONE. I'm gonna start controlling my diet again.

Sigh wasn't in the talking mood today. I feel very lifeless again. Hmmm why man why. I feel like I cannot find the right feelings to feel for the past few days and it sucks. I can't say I'm sad because I don't really have a reason to be. I can't say I'm happy either because I'm definitely not. I would say I'm feeling very lonely nowadays because even though I have people to go out with and people to hang out with, I just feel very cooped up in my own world. A part of me wants to be in solitude. I just want to be because I need it. & If I wanna talk to someone it would be you. You have no idea how many times I wanted to talk to you and yet..... I remember we aren't really on talking terms. Gawd wanted so badly to send you the ice skating picture to make you jealous but then.... Nope. Saw a whaacking group today that was so freaking funny and amusing. Wanted to record to show you because I remembered how you loved whacking.... BUT NOPE. 

Trying to find jobs right now. IT'S SO HARDDDDD. I really wanna work with pets though. It's like one of my dreams to work with pets.... HAHAHA crazy I know but I'll just try my luck :B 

OH AND DID I MENTION HOW I'M SO TEMPTED TO CHOP OFF MY HAIR?!?!?! Not even kidding I've been contemplating for at least 2 months already. Argh I really wish my face was smaller... Then I think I really would just chop it off. Not that I look super bad with mid length hair. It's just that I'll definitely want it to grow back after 2 months. Everyone knows how my hair grows so damn slowly. The irony is that my fringe grows super fast. I can cut it to my mouth area and in 3 weeks it'll be below my chin alr. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE. HOW GUYS HOW I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD CUT IT OMG... I'm so sick of long hair.... It's so irritating and everything's just a chore. But...... long hair makes my face look abit smaller... Sigh pies 

Feeling so unappreciated

So many thoughts everywhere again.

I was so determined to wake up today. But my bloody body clock last warning. Slept damn late again yesterday like almost 4.... So when I woke up and saw that it was 10, I panicked. Lol, my class was at 10.30.. How in the world was I supposed to fly there in time... Coincidentally my mom was home. So I texted Miss Melissa to tell her I'd only reach at 11.

When I reached, they weren't doing class. Miss Mel spent that class talking to us. I love these kinda talks. Makes me feel closer to Miss Mel. Lol and if I had more guts I probably would have ALOT to say.... but I just can't. really saliva comes all the way to the tip of my mouth everytime I talk to her. DONT EVEN KNOW WHY!!!!! I only managed to tell her the reason why I don't engage in class or ask questions. And despite that I really am actuay functioning in class and I know what's going on. So she said that she was aware and that's what journals are for. Lol yes if I could communicate through writing journal entries to all the lecturers I really think I'll score very well. I mean that was how I communicated with Leia in year 1. That's why she didn't give up on me. Now it's just..... Argh fml I don't want to say what I want to say, my body language tells otherwise, always giving wrong body language blah blah.... My life sucks 

Went to watch the performance kid's puppetry show. LOL it was really for young audiences and..... THEY USED ONE OF MAPLESTORY'S BGM LOL THINK IDK AH HAHA. I swear for some reason while I was watching them perform, a part of me knew it was Rif who chose that maple story music. IT WAS JUST A GUT FEELING LIKE "oh my god thats maple story music! <- i told this to Andrea. and in my head: this Rif super anyhow...." Then Becky just told me Rif was the sound producer of this production. HOLY SHIT HOW ON EARTH. HOW ON EARTH DID I KNOW IT WAS HIM OMG HAHAHAHA laugh die me... Omg stupid sia reminded me of how I chose the "Repentance" maple story music as my dramaturgy music because it was so linked to our theme "Regret". When I told Laban and Edem they laughed. SIGH I STILL LOVED THAT MUSIC I SWEAR I WOULD'VE STUCK TO THAT MUSIC OK. If it weren't for the Film students... -_- The film students were like ".... Is that game music?" LOL immediately exposed. Didn't know I would get caught so quickly.

So cute~ Definitely did a good job in entertaining me haha.

It's been raining a lot this week and really makes me feel like it's December again. Plus I'm having holidays right now. Wow really.. Same same but different.. (Only I'll understand what I'm saying haha) I don't know why I relate rainy days to December. It's the feeling that it gives me. I love it so much. Very melancholic very gloomy but I like. Makes me feel peaceful and zen.

So... mummy haven't told me the dates that we're flying off yet. Sigh I really miss spending time with the family. I want to throw everything behind for at least a week or so... Not like I did that the last time I flew off. Lol well I was supposed to... Apparently I couldn't bare to. Despite the time difference I was still texting my baes every freaking day... I could've chosen to just not use wifi but.... I just couldn't. So now I wonder.. If I actually chose to not reply to any of those texts... How will this situation differ from now. Would you have missed me even more... Or would I have just been ignored even more? Aye da heck do I even need to ask I think I'll just be ignored L O L

One more week.... Till I can really tell myself I'm not waiting anymore. Argh something keeps holding me back. Like I keep giving myself more time. :( Sigh lol

Ima stop right here

Gah I'm going through the eat-watch show-sleep phase right now. Like my mind's a blank and I want to do a lot of things but all my friends have start school... Gah lmao. The last time I actually went out with them, their holidays just started. & now when my holidays are starting, theirs ended. This cycle forever.

1 more week... Till I'm officially done with school. Not. Lol I'll never ever be officially done with school. At least Christina's rehearsals ARE OVERRRRR, until year 3 starts again... I have BTT test this coming Friday and I have yet to study for it.. #askingfordeath #procrastinatorforlife LMAO

Gonna ice skate with my Jazzy on Friday too and I thought of you, again. -_- Gawd when will I stop linking everything to you? WHEN. So when are we going ice skating? WHEN. Now every time I go to the beach or ice skating I'll always remember you telling me we'll go there someday. & How I told you all your "one day"s will never happen and you told me not to think that way. See what happened? Not that I jinxed myself. I just know it wouldn't come true. The day you actually say something and you take action, the sky will really drop. I can list down a whole list of things that you said we'd do but no we didn't. If you want it to happen you gotta do something about it. Just sitting there and waiting is not gonna make anything work. At least that's how I see it. Doesn't work too if only one party is trying and the other is again, sitting there and waiting for the sky to drop. It takes 2 hands to clap yo.

Aiya seriously. The best gift anyone can ever give to me is their time la okay. Especially you la really. You're not even a superstar and I feel like if I can ever get hold of you for a few minutes, that itself is already a miracle. Whatevers... We don't even talk now it's just worst than last semester. At least last semester during this period I'd still receive random messages out of the blue. Now I'm just like er whuuuut. Forget it can't do anything about it anymore anywayyyyys. I know everyone's like nah you're just saying this to make yourself feel better about this situation. Well if it really can make me feel better then why not... The only person that can change the situation is him. & if he does nothing then this is just a dead end. For me, for him, for them (maybe)

"I just thought it was going really well. We talked for weeks. Things progressed so nicely. You recommended books to me for crissake. How great is that? That’s fucking resplendent as fuck; I don’t find things romantic, but that was. I don’t think you meant it that way. 

I don’t know if there were red flags. I’m usually so good at red flags. I’m a side-stepper. I get away from red flags. Well, really, I don’t get in situations that have flags of any color. I walk alone. Always.

I just thought you were my break from that. From solitude. I thought you were going to want to hang out with me. I thought you were going to fall in like with my mind. I thought you were going to find parts of me sexy — ethereal parts, not cliche body parts.

Nope. I’m back to solitude. I like this. I keep reminding myself how I didn’t really want a relationship any way. I am low maintenance. I keep reminding myself. I don’t need more. I’m better on my own.

This is my punishment for getting weirdly hopeful. It’s like that Gnarles Barkley song “Crazy.”

Hahaha, bless your soul.

You naive little thing. You thought a guy liked you.

Man, I’m getting adept at condescending myself.

I walk alone. Always. And every time I forget that, the price I pay goes up. I need to stop wanting. It’s only going to cost me" 

- I can't keep waiting around for you, Thought Catalog 

Sigh yeah I'm in the alot-of-time-to-reflect-on-life phase too. I do that almost everyday but since I have a lot of time now I obviously think about it even more. I think until I feel so stoned. Think until my face seriously having super bad break out. Wa I would have 2 extremely bad breakouts in a year. & it's so bad I just wanna hide at home and cry LOL.

So tomorrow I have a random ballet class at 10.30.... Ridiculous. Meh. Oh wells.

WHY IS MY TUMBLR SO DEPRESSING oh my gosh. I just went through all my posts. I feel so nakedly bare over there like my feelings are so exposed. Everytime I re-read my own posts I don't even regret reblogging it BECAUSE ITS SO TRUE. And hello you haven't even seen my drafted posts THAT'S EVEN MORE DEPRESSING. Nope you'll never ever see it, it's drafted for a reason yaw muahaha. I'm such a depressed kid sometimes. But hey I can choose to be happy too so yeah depends on whether you're worth it for me to be happy or not.

Really leh I really choose who I want to be happy around. There are just these few people that I can never ever be happy around and some of them I just laugh until I lose my voice. Hahahah & I cherish those moments a lot because I know I'm obviously always sad when I'm alone at home.

Gah guys I'm really on holiday mood already. I can't be bothered to go for morning classes. I know I can't wake up so what's the point. But then don't know what got into me I feel like I want to go for Albert's class tomorrow. A part of me is actually scared because they learnt a new combination and I wasn't there when they learnt it... So I'll die tomorrow. But I want to go. This is unbelievable.

Yesterday I was telling Cheryl my depressing friday pathetic food day. Then at that point of time I was craving for either Green tea latte/frappe. Daddy almost spoilt my craving again because he told me to meet him at Kovan instead of Serangoon. Kovan aint got no Starbucks!!!! So I didn't care I still went Serangoon first to get my doze of craving. BUT GUESS WHAT????? GREEN TEA LATTE/FRAPPE NOT AVAILABLE BECAUSE THEY RAN OUT OF GREENTEA. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW SAD I WAS. SIGH & Cheryl was just laughing at me.... Laugh laugh laugh. Ok la if I see myself so pathetic I also will laugh.

Met up with one of the pioneer dancers, Goh Lay Kuan yesterday. She was so cute.... She was so passionate when she was telling us her stories and when I looked at her, I was like wow we were talking to someone who has been through World War 2 and all the Singapore riots and stuff like that. Well I never had a chance to actually talk to my grandparents about such things.. We had so many questions to ask her but she ended up answering all of them without us even asking.

Today I went to school and prepared our presentation. Sigh I really want to punch myself. I can't believe up till now I still have "stage" fright. I still tremble. I swear I had all my points clearly sorted out in my head. I knew what I needed to say and I had a lot to say. But when it was my turn to talk I just blanked out. My grammar become anyhow my sentence structure all anyhow like crazy. & then I always feel like I have not enough breath to talk IT'S SO ANNOYING. I don't know if anyone else feels my pain because I think I'm only one in my class that trembles when I talk in front of an audience. I'm so scared for next year's class with the performance students. I'm gonna embarrass myself like nobody's business and seriously what Michelle and Melissa said just now weren't helping at all. "Next year you are going to have this class with the performance students and that batch is pretty talented and hardworking and so all of you got to buck up." Oh like we don't already know..... G O S H SAVE ME.... I'm already so bad in front of my own classmates.... I CAN'T IMAGINE WHEN WE'RE WITH THEM. I seriously can't I need to dig a hole and hide after every presentation.

Went to have my breaklunner with Cheryl after presentation and now I'm home.

I can't believe this. I mean that was the last assessment of the year yet I feel like I still have so much more work left. WHY???? Maybe because there's Albert tomorrow... & Thursday... & I have BTT test on Friday morning which I haven't even studied for. GONNA DIEEEE LOL

I suddenly had this random picture that came into my head while I was heading to the shower just now. I DON'T KNOW WHY SO RANDOM SIGH T_T Aiya not like it'll come true la sigh. I think I suddenly have a lot of time to think nonsense ah. Hahaha oh wells I'm gonna watch Emergency Couple right now.

RAGEEEE. I actually didn't wanna talk about this but then I was telling Jai about it and I'm all mad again because I AM STILL HUNGRY MEH

Okay so I woke up at 2pm this afternoon. I wanted my lunch and my maid told me "Burger or rice?" The burger was already super cold cuz it was supposed to be my breakfast so meh I didn't wanna eat that. & The rice was chicken rice but half my rice was gone. I was like MEH HOW DARE WHOEVER WHO ATE MY CHICKEN RICE. You guys know I'm a rice bucket okay. Or a water buffalo. No one steals my water OR my rice!!!!!! So yeah that meal was unsatisfying. So even after eating I was still hungry. Wanted to take my packet milo and realised IT WAS GONEEEE. Oh my god angrybird. Thank god there was the milo powder so I made my own.

Okay that was lunch. Then during dinner, daddy said he'll go buy back for us. So i told him I wanted the KFC rice bucket. He came back...... & gave me ONE PATHETIC CHICKEN in replacement of my rice bucket. I WAS LIKE WHAAAAAAAT. I waited so long just to see one pathetic chicken on my plate. You have nooooo idea how mad I was. I was so mad I just locked myself in the room throughout my meal. Okay I was obviously pmsing. Like serious sia omg I have never pms-ed so bad before. I was so angry I even teared LOL. So okay I obviously wasn't full at all. Then I asked mom if Winnie could go SPC to get me some snacks back. Mom told me SPC CLOSED!!!!! WOAH ANGRY BIRD X1000000. How dare the world make me so mad over food. I have never been so angsty over food in my life.

Then I was looking through Ironladychef's instagram and was drooling again.... So I decided to text my jai jai and tell her what happened. See how she replied me

Don't know if I've mentioned this before last few years ago but JAI IS ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO IS ALWAYS LAUGHING WHEN I GET ANGRY. Another one's Yvonne. Oh my god funny ah funny ah FUNNY AH. Piakkkkk never mind I love you its ok

So yeah after posting this shizzz I'm still hungry and I don't know what can satisfy me. Gonna be angrybirdz again tomorrow. I want to go out yet I don't know where to go and all I can think about is eating churros but I always wanna save it for a date in the future because "Churros date" sounds like such a good plan okay so yeah I'M SAVING IT. I've been craving for churros for ALMOST 3 MONTHS NOW OKAY. 3 freaking months. Guys hurry up bring me on a churros date HAHAHAHA  I kid but no I am not kidding I want a churros date BLEH

I am so curious who reads my blog. I just checked my overall stats and I was like whaaaat... I mean yeah this is a public site but most of the referral links just comes straight from my link. Meaning they typed my link out or... they stalk my social media sites and found my link. I don't ever publicise my blog after every post. I just blog it like writing a diary. Like YEAH I spent 30minutes trying to figure out who would ever read this blog of mine besides the people whom I already know reads it. But the stats obviously doesn't tally... I have individual post stats. Meaning the number of reads for each posts. & yup one of the posts that has the most reads.... "29th March"

Gosh really on holiday mood already. I woke up late 3 out of the 4 days left of official classes and I didn't even plan it. I only went for 2 ballet lessons and 1 contemporary lesson out of the entire week. Wow hooray to me.

Saw him just now and it seemed like I just got ignored, AGAIN. Lol I shall give him the benefit of doubt. Maybe he didn't see me. -inserts crying emoji- WHY AM I LIKE THAT WHY..... Argh I'm so sad I can't even. I've reached the point where I don't even know what to feel anymore. I'm like should I go out and get wasted and forget about my life? I don't even have the feel to do that. The thought of having a long crazy night kinda turns me off suddenly. It's like I want to and yet.... I choose not to because I feel like my heart just simply wants to drown in misery. Like what the fuck. I suddenly don't see any light to this again. Like no I just don't. AND WHY DO I ALWAYS ACT LIKE IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME. I hate this about me I swear I do but I can't help it. I just simply don't want anyone to know how I feel about the things happening around me. That's the reason why I have a blog what right lol.

It's weird. Because even though I know how much actions mean so much more than words, I hold on to the words you said. Everytime you ignore me every time you do something that is so contradicting to your words, I always tell myself "No he said that. So yeah because you said that I'm gonna believe that whatever you're doing, you have a reason for it." Why shan why :'(

Gonna head back to Danzpeople probably next week. I miss that place. I miss dancing without feeling stressed. Sigh trust me when I say I can't even dance my fave genre well anymore... That's why I say I've lost everything... I suddenly don't know how to perform anymore because of the lack of performances in year 2.. I'm back to square 1. Yes it's been 4 months and I still haven't found back my motivation.

Another thing I wish to accomplish this holiday. Very hard for me because I know I'll be damn inconsistent. I want to play the piano again.. Sometimes I really regret quitting. If my mother had just insisted that I complete all 8 grades I think I would've hated her at that point of time but I'd definitely thank her in the later years.... I totally forgot everything that I've learnt. Seriously horrible. Of course my sight reading still sucks. It was never ever good even when I was learning guitar. I remember that one time I had to sight read TWO lines for guitar exam and I wanted to kill myself already. Yes I suck at sight reading. I play by memorising the whole piece. & I always get scolded for memorising because it was totally not helping my sight reading. Gah.

Just finished my first episode of Awkward's Season 4. WHY AM I SUCH A JENNA HAMILTON!!!! WHY I'm just so similar to her I CAN'T!!!! & Tamara really reminds me of Andrea LIKE LOL every time Jenna and Tamara hangs out I just see Me and Andrea. Well My Matty is not even close to a Matty la god. Sigh I'm such a Jo Masterson from Twisted and Jenna Hamilton from Awkward.

Gonna spend my Good Friday at home... Bond with my bed, and myself and my thoughts maybe. Oh Kdramas!!!! Haven't watch them this whole semester!!! The last I watched was The man I love from another star!!! So long ago omg time for me to catch up.

In case

“But I need to wake up somehow. Or maybe not. Maybe it’s best to get through the day half-asleep. Maybe that’s the only way to get through today.”

This is the quote that I'll be living by for the next few weeks. I'm in a blur right now. I suddenly feel like I have a lot of time and yeah I love it but I don't wanna waste my time. I want to find a job but I don't know what to work as. Oh my god. 

Slept really late last night so I didn't attend morning lessons. Body already switching to holiday mood. Woah been having 2-3 hours long phone conversations recently with Andrea. It's crazy the last time I've been on the phone for so long was like during... secondary school days. All I do is hang on the phone. My longest record was seriously the whole day omg. I can't believe it. HOW LIFELESS. So yeah... We keep trying to find solutions to our problems but.... There will be no solutions if the other parties aren't doing anything about it. So yeah my conclusion for myself is that I know I'll have to let it all go. I know.... But I'm holding on just in case things decide to get better. 

"What you gonna do if he really doesn't talk to you even when assessments are over?" she asked.. Such a sad question to ask me. I mean yeah I kinda already prepared myself for that.. I even wrote it here. I said that already proves that I'm nothing. & it's just a sad phase that I need to get over. I need to let it all go. I will just have to accept it cuz it's really right in my face already. I'm really not the kind to live in denial kay. I think this is one of the longest real crush I've had in so long and I just can't even understand myself. It's crazy. I really don't know what to say to myself. I mean there's really nothing left to say. I'm actually scared. I actually want assessments to quickly be over but at the same time.... I might just be devastated. But what's meant to be will always find their way back into my life. I can tell myself that I've really tried already. There's really nothing more I can do now. There's a reason why I call this an unrequited crush. Because my feelings are unreciprocated 3/4 of the time. For no rhyme or reason you will reappear in my life again just when i'm about to give up on hope. I don't know man it's crazy. I think this is the end result of following my heart. I am the type who's a romantic and at the same time I'm not because I know reality sucks. Like fantasising over fairytales but knowing happy endings never ever happens in real life. 

Hung out with Becky after school today. Wow it's been sooooo long. Felt like one of those days last semester. Again it felt like nothing changed for that few moments I'm with her. Sigh can't believe time just flew like that. So many things have been happening and.... I know things will get better. I just know it. Because if it doesn't it's not the end. I have faith that everything will work out just fine. Maybe not for me but for others I hope. It's ok I already prepared myself for the worse for my own case. Then having this whole holiday to recover from the shit I've put myself through this whole semester. Suckiest semester EVER. 

Sucks that I'm comparing last semester this time and now. I mean yeah I'm still doing the same thing I did last sem and this sem but at least last sem we were still talking... & Everytime I predict this specific day that you might text me, the chances of it really happening were still like 80%. Now.... It's just really less than 5% sia omg. Sigh sometimes I really regret (i also don't know regret what cuz I don't even know what i did what the hell)..... 

Went out with jai jai today. Sigh sometimes I really wish she was a guy cuz then she'd be my perfect boyfriend. NO FREAKING JOKE I'D MARRY HER IF SHE WAS A GUY. Done deal. We laugh over the stupidest things and no matter what I'm always happy when I'm with her.

 Probably won't even see him until year 3. Lol oh wells doesn't really matter anyway I'm not even important.. Last week of official lessons next week.. Will be having rehearsals after that but chances of bumping into him is really less than 5%. Sigh i foresee myself dreaming of even more heartbreaking dreams for the next few days. This is horrible. The last sem didn't even end this way. Omg this suckkkkkks

Almost the end

As expected, I was struggling during the contemporary exam... Sigh. I definitely tried my best. I know I did. But it was DEFINITELY not enough... I came out of the studio feeling so stoned because I used so much of my mental energy to remember all the unseen routines. Horrible. Didn't felt good the whole day. Super zoned out... Slept before Coach Ling's lesson.

Guys I'm really very proud of myself and my handstand oh my god. I was genuinely so happy when everyone cheered for me ohmygod sobs. That applause, I really felt like I achieved it and it felt so good... and I really never felt like this before. The look on Coach Ling's face.... IT WAS CRAZY okay that was such a good few seconds... I remember during the first year I cried in front of Mycs even though she was there to support because I was so scared. I really never expected myself to ever get rid of that fear. Cartwheel too... I only got it this year when I was forced to do Albert's exercise that had a cartwheel in it. Lol I'm sure no one expected that I would ever be able to do any of that shit. Cuz I couldn't too. I couldn't even do a proper back or front roll in year 1.

Okay so during coach ling's class while I was practicing my cartwheel, I suddenly heard someone call my name. So i looked around. The only reason why I looked around was because I really heard someone call my name okay! I turned and I saw him on the 4th floor bridge. The moment I turn he already started waving. My first thought was "Huh how is it possible that he called me? He never ever does that..... Plus he ignore me twice in a day ytd" Also how could I have heard it from so far?!! -_- Then I want to think of it as just a coincidence but again how can it be so coincidental?!?!?! Gosh and because of that I thought I saw wrong person. It was weird to see him in another coloured shirt other than red blue and black so I thought it wasn't him. Oh my god so in the end I never found out who was the one who called my name.

Feeling like the song Holy Grail right now.

And baby, it's amazing I'm in this maze with you

I just can't crack your code

One day you screaming you love me loud, the next day you're so cold

One day you here, one day you there, one day you care

You're so unfair

Meh

So it's Friday but it doesn't even feel like it. I can't wait to sleeeeeeep. Cuz I'm just that tired. No one can ever understand how this tired feels like kay. 1 more week..... HANG IN THERE SHANNNNN 

The one you're irrationally waiting for

My dreams.... They are in control of my feelings and it's getting horrible. I hate to know that I have the ability to see my future in my dreams. It's fucking crazy but trust me I swear it's true. That's why it's been affecting me. A day before I had a really heartbreaking dream. Literally looking at the person I love leave, looking at the person I love, love someone else. I looked at him walk away from me.. Giving false hopes to this other person who loves me just because I was being nice. Even though he knew I was in love with someone else, he didn't mind.... I woke up and I was like.... What the fuck why did I dream about such a thing?!?!?! So pain man my heart I swear I physically felt the pain. Like HOW ON EARTH.

Then yesterday night's dream was extremely contradicting to the dream I had the day before. So yesterday's dream.. Sounds like I'm typing a script but I'm really not okay. LOL.. I liked this person for a really long time and, he kinda likes me back too but because of differences and all that crap, we just can't be together or can't show that we have feelings for each other. So.... I was at some sort of a house party or something. So weird, again, there was no one there that I was close with... I was there ALONE. God why do I keep dreaming that I'm at a party alone without any of my close friends. It's just weird because if you know me I WOULD NEVER GO TO A PARTY ALONE. (ok that party was an exception if you know what i'm referring to..) 

Okay back to my dream. So yeah I was at the party alone. I was with his friends most of the time and when I actually get to spend time with him, somebody has to disrupt our conversation. Then I don't know why it was as if we were all running away from somebody so we ran. All of us were at some staircase basement. He.... held my hand and ran. He held my freaking hand... You have no idea how shocked I was. His friends were still all trying to get to the door and he just stopped me right before the door. Everyone saw and I gave him the face "what don't you not want anyone to know anything.." But he gave me the reassuring look... He whispered to me "For now, this is all we're gonna be okay." I actually don't understand what he meant and then he gave me a reassuring kiss? Like what. Oh my god I swear I don't understand my own dreams like what the hell. So tell me. What is the end gonna be? 

I really feel like I'm writing a script. How on earth do I have such detailed dreams and then sometimes I just cannot remember anything at all? 

Ballet exam today was just saddening. :'( Sigh I really think I'm gonna fail. THIS IS SO SAD. Tomorrow's contemporary exam. EVEN WORSE..... My self-esteem stabbing me like 100000 times. I just finished my feedback session with Yenny. She told me that I've improved from the last semester and all that. She says she sees that I try very hard consistently in every lesson.. Sometimes I feel like she's like Coach Ling. Giving me compliments only because she feels like I need some boost. After she told me my feedback for Jazz, she asked me how's my other work going on and if I was coping well... I just couldn't help it so I told her I wasn't doing well.. I really needed to tell someone and yet I don't know who to talk to. Out of all the teachers, she's one of the most comfortable teachers that I could talk to. In the end I still couldn't say what I wanted to say because I felt like my tears was gonna fall soon so.... I ended up not talking much. OKAY SEE this is one of my biggest problems. I hate talking about my problems to someone else because I know for sure that I'll cry, especially when I've kept it in for so long. Such a crybaby but whatever.... I swear I cry over the stupidest reasons oh my god judging myself seriously. 

So she told me that it doesn't matter how long I take to reach where I want to be, as long as I don't give up. & she boosted me up saying that I have been improving and it's shown... & in my head I just went like ....... what in the world this is the one semester that I felt so sucky throughout. I lost my motivation FOR THE WHOLE SEMESTER. Literally. Miss Melissa told me straight in my face that I haven't shown improvement at all for this semester. Sigh I don't understand this shit I hate this I feel like my time is really up. What should I do -__- Almost cried too after ballet because I sucked so bad. Like why why why. 

I'm so stressed I can die. I just wish I can dance like I'm flying. I see my seniors do their contemp solos I'm just like why aren't my extensions as nice as them even though I feel like I'm trying...? W H Y

DIDNT HELP THAT SOMEONE NEVER EVEN SAID HI TO ME TODAY EVEN THO HE SAW ME TWICE. Argh so blatantly ignored me. WOW THANK YOU LA. 

The One You’re Irrationally Waiting For: 

You had a thing once, but broke up because you were headed in different directions — you to school, they to travel, you to a career and they to that strange netherworld that exists only in the basements of the houses that belong to our increasingly exasperated parents. You keep saying that you’ll get back together when your lives are a little more stable, a little less busy, and you fully believe this… yet they seem to be a little vague. Still, you’ve turned down other prospective suitors because you’re holding out for this one person, when really, all you’re holding onto is the memory of the past, hoping that one day, they’re going to Facebook message their way back into your life, all shiny and new and ready to live out the rest of forever together

So familiar huh? Think it in a more subtle way. More like an unrequited crush kinda manner. Link it to that. Sigh I'm so done la fuck. Whatever happens, happens la. Don't happen I also don't care already la. So tired sia I'm so tired of trying and then always returning back to square 1. Wanna curse so badly like what the hell is your deal. Who the hell ignores someone you care?!!??!?! WHOOOOOOO omg even when I'm typing this I'm still giving him the benefit of the doubt like no maybe I'm too selfish maybe I'm just being retarded maybe he's busy. NO FUCK IT I'M BUSY TOO I'M STRESSED TOO I'M EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD THAT YOU ARE but I bother. and you don't. And that's the truth. The bloody naked truth. I posted this before but I'm posting it again ANYWAY 

"Someone who cares will not make you feel bad for taking up said time. Although they might be busy, so are you. They will want to spend the time on you because that is just what you do when you care for someone. They won't make you feel bad for asking to hang out, feel guilty that your time is less valuable than whatever else they are doing."

So yeah WHY DO I ALWAYS FEEL BAD? ALWAYS SIA. Even when I don't do anything I just feel bad and annoying that I'm appearing in front of you. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY. The vibe you give me is the same as 3 months ago. "Argh why the heck is she here argh no go away" Wa seriously thank you la and I thought we were past that stage. I'd quote what you told me that day but.... your words are forever empty so.... sigh doesn't make a difference. K la okay la whatever la to you this is ok then OK LA. Don't even know why I'm getting mad over this. Omg I wish this is pmsing but no i'm not. 

I'm so tired la. You happy then you come back la. Really don't know what i do to deserve this but okay I'm just really tired already. At the end of the day it just really doesn't matter la. & my intuition is always right. ALWAYS. So since I already had that feeling like..... 4 days ago. It probably is true. So yeah okay. 

I actually did something really stupid again on Sunday night... Well but it made me felt like if I didn't do it I'd regret. I was hesitant because i put my state of happiness on him. I told myself I didn't want to text him because if he doesn't reply it'll affect my state. And I couldn't afford to because it is assessment week. If he did though, it'll really change my mood and all that, l o l. We have all established that he hardly ever replies me right.... So yeah

He just doesn't have any idea how such a minor thing can put me into such a different mood. I slept immediately after sending him the text because I didn't wanna know whether or not he'll reply. Apparently I fell into deep sleep and subconsciously I thought I slept for hours..... I woke up and realised I only slept for 30minutes and I SAW HIS REPLY. I was like whaaaaat am i dreaming. I really thought I was. Didn't really read it and I fell asleep again. I really thought it was a dream okay. I woke up another 10minutes later to check my phone again. It was real guys there really was a reply... 

So yep I had a happy monday. Today was not so good though... Woke up with a bad back. Piercing pain throughout the day. Went to Albert's class in the morning and only 2 people from my class INCLUDING me went today. Oh wells wasn't that bad because class ended early. Felt like shit during ballet.... I was getting the enchainments but I felt like shit doing it.... Like oh my god it was just sucky. Maybe because I feel fat today. I mean I'm fat everyday but there was just those days where you look EXTREMELY fat and when you see yourself in the mirror you're just like you this fat piece of shit... LOL

Bodycon class was obviously cancelled.. Slept for like an hour and got disrupted by Afiq's cray loud voice.... This boy ah last warning forever disrupting my sleep on Tuesday afternoons. Felt like shit when I saw my film video, felt like shit during christina's reh. I hate it when my body takes over my mind. If i never mentioned recently, my legs hurts even when I'm walking. Slight running will just make my injured shins ring in pain. Christina's piece is just running running and more running. Oh my god 

Days like this make me miss the past where I would just look forward till the end of the day because I know the people I hung out with in sem 1 always brought me joy. Regardless how bad my day will be, I know just seeing them will make me smile. I never really knew whether this change was bad or good. I actually obviously feel more miserable right now. However if it weren't for change I wouldn't really know how I felt for him. We all know how long I've been debating with myself that whatever I'm feeling was just..... nothing and it'll go away. (someone tell me why it hasn't gone away) And then again sometimes I think I really don't need all this shit. I just want the old people back. I just want to hang out together and laugh away our school troubles. Now everything's so different. & it's not even a good different. Everytime I think about it I get sad. Sigh. I don't even know anymore... 

I'm suddenly so envious of people who are actually feeling happiness right now. Let me feel it too. I'm such a sad kid now. Forever feeling sad. Forever wanting to find somewhere that makes me happy. Shit I'm back in that state again. Fuck the cycle keeps repeating. As of now it's just assessments assessments and more assessments. I'll have TOO much time to think after the next 2 weeks is over. 

Meh I actually can't wait till I have a lot of time though. Hahahaha cheers shan I can get through this 

Hurry, put me on "play" again

Hell week-3 is over.... Finally... I'm so fucking distracted I can't. Like I want to do this want to do that I end up not finishing anything.

"Someone who cares will ask you how your day is. They want to know what you're doing; they want to know if something significant has happened in your life. You don't have to talk to them all the time, but when you do see them, they will want to know how you are. Not out of some sort of obligation, but because they genuinely want to know. 

Someone who cares will tell you things. Some people share more than others, but someone who cares will tell you things that matter to them, no matter how small that thing is.

Someone who cares wants to see you. They like spending time with you. It's not hard to read the pleasure on their face in your company. Someone who doesn't care is ambivalent, or pays attention only when it suits their selfish purposes.

A person who cares about you will take time for you. They'll chat with you online, or maybe they'll call you. Sometimes weeks or months might pass, but when it counts, if in your darkest hour you need them, they will respond, and will do so gladly.

Someone who cares will not make you feel bad for taking up said time. Although they might be busy, so are you. They will want to spend the time on you because that is just what you do when you care for someone. They won't make you feel bad for asking to hang out, feel guilty that your time is less valuable than whatever else they are doing.

People who don't care will not text you back. If you make no effort to see them or talk to them, you know deep down they won't try. They will forget you if you stop trying. Because if a person doesn't care about you, they rarely think about you. They don't care about your opinions. If you care about someone, they exist in your mind. You think about them, you wonder about them. Perhaps not all the time, but they are there."

Bolded the last 2 paragraphs because I have too much feels for it I felt like I needed to emphasised it.

It makes me sad. To me I only do this to the people I refuse to get close to, to the people I don't want to give false hopes to. I give excuses because I refuse to go out with them, I refuse to give my time to them. And you're doing it to me. I don't understand what's your deal. Why do you love to leave me hanging? Why do I keep finding excuses to make my heart feel better? W H Y. Should I take it as you're just being nice and..... I'm being delusional again? THEN AGAIN THAT'S JUST AN EXCUSE BECAUSE I JUST KNOW THAT'S NOT IT. Fml this is a fucking tiring process that I can't even believe I'm in. I should've just made you explain everything..... Now I have to wait until when again? WHEN..... Always waiting for the sky to drop. Shan is best at waiting. For the sky to drop. Don't curse me guys. Don't tell me "You don't want to wait then go do something about it." Wow trust me when I say even if I did, nothing will change and maybe I'll be ignored. Like what's new man. Forever getting ignored. Why don't your words ever tally with your actions... Why?????....

IT'S OKAY SHAN. I'm gonna stop questioning for now. NO MORE. I'm so contradicting sometimes I know that... That's how I battle with myself every single day. I tell myself yes and then no. I tell myself that I suck and then I pull myself back up. I tell myself I'm gonna give up and then NO I'm staying. You get the gist lol.... But yeah I leave everything to god. I'll stop questioning why. Truth will be revealed when the holidays come. Like I said, I'll wake up... When I no longer have any more excuses to cover up for him, and for myself. When I know he can no longer use school as an excuse. When I know he's so free but he chooses not to talk to me.

No one asked me to wait. No one told me "YOU STAY HERE TILL THE END OF THE TERM." No one..... I'm seriously asking for it. That's why I say I need a car to run me down. To wake my senses up. I know I gave myself so many deadlines. Lol but this time seriously last time already. When this deadline is up I really have no reason to wait anymore. Sigh my heart sigh this is sad sigh fuck it

School's been so sucky this week... Especially from Wednesday till Friday. The last time I felt this horrible was during January. I think of that one person every time I'm feeling down but then..... Nope he doesn't care. So many things are so unclear. Like yeah okay we're on talking terms now but nope we're not really talking either. What the hell. Now I really feel like I'm being put on pause. So horrible yet I'm willing to be stupid. Because I know eventually you'll press the play button again. WHERE'S THE CAR I WANT YOU TO RUN ME DOWN ANYTIME SOOOOOON.

You know I'm so overwhelmed by school work that I am really breaking down. And this whole situation is affecting me subconsciously and it just doesn't go away. It's literally just adding to my mountain of sadness. I always think that I'd feel so much better if you were here.. No matter how busy, just a slight sign of concern would really make my days brighter. I have faith but it's slowing dying off again.... How long can I keep this up? How can you just press pause anytime you want.. Part of me understands and another part just thinks that this is ridiculous. I would never do something like this to the person that I care. I would never make someone I care go to sleep feeling like I have forgotten about him.

10 MORE DAYS OF SCHOOL. 10 MORE DAYS OF HORRIBLE SCHOOL DAYS. I mean I definitely still have to go back to school still after the 10 days but at least..... Nothing to think about... Unless Melissa really decides to retain me then I'm just gonna have the hell of my life for the next few months but.... OMG PLEASE LORD I HAVE FAITH IN YOU I KNOW I'LL GET THROUGH THESE HORRIBLE 2 WEEKS. I KNOW YOU HAVE SOMETHING PLANNED FOR ME. I TRUST YOU I TRUST YOU I TRUST MYSELF TOO NOT REALLY BUT YEAH

If I fall for you, I'll never recover.

Hey there..

Feeling so shitty since yesterday. Today's just worse.

.... Nothing to say I'm just so irritated with everything and everyone. I want to type out so I'll feel better but I can't even find the energy to type out how I really feel. I'm just so tired of everything. I don't even know there this life of mine is going. So frustrating. I'm so tired. Really am. A car really needs to run me down soon god.