PTSD AS FK

 Wah I cannot. 

This Korean show that I've been watching has been giving me a lot a lot a lot of PTSD from the recent incident that happened half a year ago. Yeah how did half a year just flew? I don't know. Does it seem long? It kinda does but nobody understands how fresh that traumatic incident is to me. There's literally no way NO WAY you can understand how I feel. You think time passes, and everything will disappear into thin air. But TIME DOESNT WORK LIKE THAT. It is almost reaching that time of the year when that incident happened. Do you know how it feels like to be reliving those moments over and over and over again? You don't know. You legit don't. I feel like talking things out time and time again helps me to relive some pain. But to you, you think I'm bringing back the past. You don't understand that by me speaking about it, by you telling me again and again that things are different, it does help, rather than flaring at me. You don't get it. & because you don't, I have to deal with it by myself. You randomly ask me why I cry, why am I being depressed. Do u think I have an answer for you? I really don't. The pain is just indescribable. You don't understand. You think I'm being pathetic? You think I'm exaggerating? I'm not. If you truly loved me, you'd feel it too. Just like how you feel happy when you see me happy, you'd feel so much pain too if you saw me in pain. I don't know for sure if you feel it. I don't know if its because you don't know how to express it. But it really fucking sucks when the memory haunts me every now and then. I used to tell you a lot of times how the previous memory haunts me. Because for me it was how I dealt with my pain. But turns out you didn't know that it was my coping mechanism. So right now, with this latest incident, I choose not to say anything. It doesnt mean it is not haunting me. It will always haunt me, any random day whether you like it or not. You only got two choices; to either be an ass and forever get angry at me or to treat me like a gem and just take care of me like what a man is supposed to do. 

You think that when I talk about it, I'm just making things worse. But in my opinion, it is my way of letting things go. I need to let it out to let it go. I don't know what's the point of keeping it in. I just feel so shit. I feel so tired of holding this burden that is not even mine to hold. All I did was love. & This is the kind of burden that is returned? It is not fair. Every single memory is so fresh in my head up till date. It is not up to you to say to erase it. Whats done is done. When you've done a tattoo and you dislike it, you cannot simply erase it like it was never there. IT WILL ALWAYS BE THERE whether you like it or not. You deal with the pain you inflicted on me. This is something you have to deal. Of course we have a simple way out, and that is to each walk our own ways. This solution will come up again if you decide that you cannot handle my pain that you inflicted on. By then, let's just tell each other that we have simply tried our best and it is really time to move on. I don't know if we'll reach to that stage. But as long as I am with you, as long as I'm alive, every single scar is on me. It will be there. You have to accept that. 

 :( 

Feeling shitty. It is one thing to eliminate the factor that hurt you and move on alone. It is another to wait for the person day and night to talk to you even though he's the one that's been hurting you. 

I'm really very confused with myself.. I said I'd never put myself through this anymore.. Times are good now.. But when I truly ask myself deep down, if this will last, I know the answer is no. It has been proven so many so many times.. I feel fucking sad everytime I remember people tell me, that you don't need 7 years to know if he/she's the one. You don't need to make that many mistakes if you know that he/she's the one.. No matter what, I can't erase things that has happened throughout these 7 years.. I really badly want to. & When I ask myself, why do I want to erase these memories so badly, only one sentence rung in my head, "All it brought me was a whole lot of pain.". All the "happy" moments were all temporary. What stayed the most were the times when I was intentionally hurt by the one person I loved so so so dearly. I ask myself so many times, how can I love someone who has hurt me so many times intentionally. How can I love someone that have verbally scolded me countless of times when things were down.. How can I still give another chance to someone who has not only cheated on me once, but.... 4 times :'( Why is it so hard to stay loyal when all I have given was just my heart.. I feel like it has been stepped on so many times I don't know how it is even functioning anymore.. 

I'm haunted so badly. I want to be happy but how can I, knowing that this happiness will not last. It will die down as the months and years pass by. Am I gonna really disrespect myself this much to still continue staying....? Shanette I really feel like I've utterly disrespected your life, your morals and your principles. I dont know how to explain why I love this man. I also dont have any reason to stay because of the countless of things he has done. 

I hold onto him so tight but he's always busy finding someone else.. I know 2 years can pass, 5 years, even another 7 years. I know that I will never be enough for this man. I know he will cheat again. I know he will find another girl somewhere again. Temptation is everywhere. But I know it is in him to get sick of me.. :'( Despite knowing all these, I'm still here.. Am I crazy? Do I need to go for a check up? Or do I really believe no one else can love me better? Do I really believe I don't deserve anything at all....? 

Everytime I'm left alone my mind goes into the darkest place. I'm haunted. I'm crying. I just want it to end. I want all these feelings to stop. I just don't want to feel anything.. I don't want to remember the hurt. I don't want to remember all the things I've seen or read. I want to erase every bad memory I have of you and only keep the good ones.. I don't want to believe that you're who I think you are. 

I know how easy I can fall when it comes to you. I dont know what the fuck it is about you that I love or get weak over but I just fucking hate that I just fall for you every fucking time regardless of the shit you've done. I get haunted afterwards when I'm alone. I feel like head over heels when I'm with you. But it is when I break down that I need u the most.. But I remember it is also because of you that caused me to have all these anxiety and panic attacks.. I don't know how to run back to the person who broke me.. But at the same time thats all I ever want.. T_T Am I abnormal..

So many flashbacks happen at any random time.. I don't know how to cope. I'm breaking down. T_T I really forgot how bad anxieties and panic attacks were for awhile.. And now that it has returned, I dont know how to make it stop.. T_T..... 

I look at myself and I know for a fact that I am not healthy, mentally. He doesn’t help me at all. Like others say, he has no patience to take care of me. He doesn’t understand my needs nor does he find the kindness to. He only believes that I am the cause of this relationship ruining. He doesn’t mention how I got here. What kind of traumatic incidences are haunting me. If i had to name I have to use more than 2 hands. “If you didn’t do this, this wouldn’t happen.” I could say the same for you. If YOU didn’t do what u did in the beginning, NONE of this would’ve happened. You never understand how serious of a condition it has become. & When it is ur responsibility to take care of it, you push it away when it gets overwhelming. For real? 

I’m very scared. I don’t feel safe because I don’t know when you can betray me again. Betraying me can even just mean you not standing on the same side as me. Betraying can just mean you. it respecting me enough when you’re mad. This is you not taking care of me. 

I keep trying to lay low. I keep trying to calm down. Tell myself let it play out. Don’t overreact. But how though? I keep trying to believe the best in you. It is you who prove it otherwise. & Then u blame me for wanting to know everything? I don’t know how. 

I’m very stressed to know what’s inside that app. Deep in me I just wish for the love of god that app isn’t even on your phone. What happens if it is? U gonna deny it? U gonna flare???? This is just not right. 

I’m so stressed over life. I’m so stressed over myself and just everything. I’m so scared of my future. I don’t know how to live with so much uncertainties... I just feel scared. I want to have kids when I’m young. I don’t want to have kids when I reach 30 over and have such a hard time recovering from pregnancy.... 😭😭😭 By then what if I become ugly as hell fat as hell and he doesn’t love me anymore 😭 i’m so stressed out by all these things that I just don’t feel fit to even have a family. I don’t even know when I’ll ever be ready... I am scared.

At age 25. This very year has really shown me lots of true colours of people whom I thought I knew. This year told me I really couldnt care less. I dont fucking care if I've known you for 5 years or 10 years, 5 months or 5 days. I feel tired of holding so much negativity. Everyone has their own flaws I get it but I'm tired of always having to let others tell me I'm this I'm that. Or like I'm supposed to be this and that. Right now at this point, I'm so ready to let go of anyone and anything that gets in my way. I'm not saying I'm feelingless or whatever. But I'm tired of fighting for anything. I'm tired of reasoning with things and I'm tired of trying to find ways to make it work. I know I'm only 25 but if things are supposed to be good, they eventually will be. Life isnt supposed to be this hard especially when it comes to people. & I really hate to put myself in the spot where I constantly have to think of what others think of me. I don't fucking need it. I am who I am. I am a fucking human with feelings and a fucking human that keeps trying to understand how it feels like on the other side and I am fucking sick of that shit. Say that it is my fault for keeping it in. Say that it is my fault for not handling it well. So be it. Like I said. I'm tired of trying to be a perfect self for each individual. I'll never be able to achieve that and I am just tired.

I dont know how many times must I emphasize that I can't do this putting others before me shit anymore.

I think my mood fluctuates alot recently and I think mostly its due to the work stress. I barely even started. I've been fighting against everyone else because I cannot deal with the negative emotions or just any slight doubt that people give to me. The point people don't understand is that I myself doubted this industry and I have not started yet to know whether it will even work out.

I'm just sad to know that I have no friends. It is suddenly amplified x10000 because of how I need relations for it to work. I'm sad to know that I really have no support at all. Words don't bring rice to my bowl. Comfort don't really bring rice to my bowl either.. :'(

Just feel like something's wrong with me. As long as there's me, it's like nothing ever works out.

It’s 2.30am right now..

This week has been bad.. Idk emotionally or mentally but I just feel like my soul and heart... They’re just not together :’( I cry randomly.. Every now and then.. i look through poems and articles, hoping it’d make me feel better but I end up feeling worse. I think today I hit rock bottom... Memories of the past came flashing back.. I was so tempted to just send him a message... Saying how much I needed a hug, how much I just need that hug. But I stopped myself. 🥺😢 Because I remember how weak that makes me look.. Because I remember I once told myself to never be this weak again.. But why every now and then I just wish to let go. I just wish to be myself and just give all the love I can without holding back.. I’m scared to be the only one falling. I’m scared that I’m the only one that ends up giving 10000%..

I remember of all the days I cried back in 2017.... I remembered how sad it was that I had to give up the relationship knowing that it was all I wanted but I really was just so tired of being taken for granted of.. I remember there were so many nights I just wanted to go back to you and say baby i just want you back but I know it’d be a cycle over and over again. You don’t know how much I love you.. You don’t know how much I wish we’d find our way and work it out..

I’m crying because I wish I could just forget them all... I wish I can erase those hurt erase those trauma.... But I can’t. 😭😭😭😭 I deal with it every now and then by myself. I drown and I drown and I drown. I wish I never went through what I went through. I feel my heart bleeding every now and then and nobody knows. Nobody knows how I feel at all. There are days where I wish I could really let everything and everyone go and just disappear. Move away and start anew.... Easier said than done..

I’m not scared of being alone. I’m not scared of being single. I love him to the point where I WILL give my blessings if he does find a right one. What I’m scared of is that he says he chose me but in his heart he knows for a fact that I am nowhere near the right one.. I’m scared that he tells me I’m the one for life but he ends up still searching for the real one silently subconsciously.. Then what do I do? I just can’t let go of that thought.

Maybe it’s just low self esteem. Maybe he really does love me. Maybe I’m so fucking hard to love. But all I need is really to know for sure he’d always put me above anything else.... And it shouldn’t even have to be a chore :’(

Sometimes I wish I feel lesser, love lesser... So maybe I wouldn’t cry so much over nth.

:’( I miss you

But I duwanna run to you like a stupid fool.

5 years.. I’m still scared. 

😟😔
A lot of thoughts in my head..

It scares me to think. It’s sad that I feel like I am in this alone.. I can’t forget. I’m sad. Will I one day forget how it’s like to care? Looking back, I remember what a naive kind emotional girl I used to be. I was so vulnerable but so pure and so easy to give. Right now, I just feel like I’ve pulled back so much. There’s so much I can give. But it just seems like I’m always being misunderstood. It’s sad. I’m sad right now. The old me would’ve came running to you, telling you how sad and how I can’t sleep at 2.43pm. But now..... All the times I deal with myself, you do not know. All the times that I feel like I’m battling this alone, you do not know.

Who am I anyway? Just a girl whom you think is controlling you.

A guy will change for a girl that is worth it. A guy will change for the better for the sake of himself, for the sake of his future with his girl. I guess I’m just not worth that much. This is how you make me feel.

I’m tired of thinking about this. I hurt everytime I hear his aggressive voice ringing in my head. I hurt everytime those sentences you say due to anger appear in my mind. You don’t understand and you won’t understand.

Some days I just wonder what makes you stay with me. Issit because I don’t love myself enough? You have the power over me? You can scare me? I don’t understand. I’m traumatized in all honesty. It’s really back to 2016 all over again. At least it feels like that.

What’s so hard to be a bigger person? I want someone to treat me like a gem not a dog. I want someone to love me so much he can’t even bare to see me get hurt. Why am i even writing this? I’m crying right now. It hurts to think. I know it will repeat sooner or later. And it sucks. To have to constantly prepare myself for it to happen.

To you, I’m the cause of whatever you’re angry about.
Everybody got eyes to see what kind of a person I am to you.

But time and time again, god has proven to me to never put anyone first. Just yourself. Because the world is selfish. Please Shanette remind yourself that.

It's so sad how lonely I am. I looked through my WhatsApp just now and I realised the entire day, the only person I talked to was my boyfriend and his sister (random) and my work chat. It's so emphasised now that my daily friend has decided to kick me out of her life. It is so emphasised how dependent I was on her to keep me sane. As much as I am sooooo upset about it, I don't want to show it. It's been almost a month since we last talk and it's been a hell 1 month.

I can't believe how shitty things have turned out for the second half of the year. I feel so suffocated by my own emotions. I feel like I have literally NOBODY to turn to at all. All the rage all the sadness all the dependency.... I have fucking nobody to go to. If i go to my boyfriend, to him I'm just a weak shit that's so clingy. It makes me fucking sad that I have so much I wish I could send him but I always press backspace all day everyday. I pretend like everything is fucking okay but I'm breaking down like a fucking wrecking ball. I don't know how to even start voicing out my feelings because I just am a fucking wrecking ball right now. It doesn't help at all when I start ranting to him because all he thinks is that I'm this noisy as hell bitch that just doesn't know how to keep calm. He would in turn use this vulnerable side that I decide to show him on me when things between us turn shit. 

T_T_T_T_T_T

I need someone to hold right now. 

I need someone to cry to right now.

I need someone I can talk to right now.

I'm crying for help right now.

The silence is too deafening. 

Nobody understands. 

It's so sad that things have to turn out like that today. As much as I try to pretend like all is fine everything is ok.... I really wish to just break down and I just want somebody to sayang me until I feel better. T_T I can't even fucking explain how hurtful this feeling is and it continuously keeps coming back at me. Nobody fucking understands this and everyone will just tell me "You chose to try again so deal with it."

T_T I hate that he has to time and time prove his capability. Like he's capable of doing shitty things but he claims he never and that's why he's a good guy. Do you know how many times I picture you fucking her when certain things make me remember? Do you know just because of all the shit you say when you're angry, I picture every single shit you said that you're capable of? Do you know what goes through my mind and what kind of mental torture it is just because of the words you say to me when you "feel like it"? I don't even know how to start to explain the feeling when I feel fucking shitty and have no one I can go to. You're supposedly my safe place.... But everytime when shit goes down you make me shiver and you make me fear. I don't feel like we're on the same team and I feel soooooo misunderstood that I don't even wanna fight for myself anymore. I don't know if he will ever see this but if I ever voice this out to him in real life, all he will tell me is "this is your problem not mine. don't make your problem my problem." ...... alright

Yes I know I made a decision to forgive. I just feel like if I want to truly forget everything that has ever happened, I can't constantly be in the environment that makes me remember all sorts of shit...... This is just like basic common sense. You can't always be doing shit that constantly reminds me of what you're actually "capable" of.....

I fucking hate it that even at this hour I am still thinking about the shit he said this afternoon. What did he even meant when he said "I can tell her to not text me at all because I know weekends I am with you." ????????? fuck? How does this make me feel any safe? I already feel like you're a different person when you're in camp and when you're with me. By saying that just makes me feel even shittier as a person and as your gf. Why couldnt he said things that SOUNDS ASSURING instead of threatening?

What is love really? I'm really doubting myself so much and asking myself if I'm even loving rightly. Why do I feel like I'm doing so much yet it just doesn't feel enough or it just really feel like "its the norm" when it obviously isnt. T_T I can go through every fucking day with him like routine based and as much as life gets boring sometimes, my mind never stops choosing him. My mind never stops thinking about him. My mind never stops yearning to see him again even when I just saw him afew hours ago. As much as there's so much shit that happened between us, I still can't seem to let go. Am I just being stubborn or do I really love him so much? I can't even fucking bring myself to even like be "overly" friendly to a random guy friend or even a guy stranger because I'm just so high up that level of uninterested. Is it because I am like that thats why he thinks he can do whatever he wants and I am gonna accept it and stay with him?

I'm not saying he's disloyal now but even when I'm not thinking about shit like that, he keeps reminding me of it. He keeps thinking that I'm thinking he's cheating or bound to cheat etc. He does not fucking know how much it emphasizes the past every single time he does that. I'm trying fucking hard to move forward. I'm trying fucking hard not to time and time again picture a fucking bad image in my head. I'm trying so fucking hard to not think about it and literally just look at our RELATIONSHIP and nothing else. How can I make him understand that he needs to stop bringing up the past like that? How is he gonna handle everytime if I gave him the image that I have the capability of fucking another guy? How is he gonna handle if I gave him the feeling that I have the capability to 2 time him and he can NEVER FIND OUT? He's not even gonna fucking put himself through that because he knows how much it's gonna hurt him and it is not going to be worth the pain for him.

Even after all thats been done, I still put down every single thing and trust. And believe. Dont you understand how fucking hard that is ALREADY?????? I feel so tired of being misunderstood.. That I don't trust him. It's basic knowledge to know that I will NOT be DISAPPOINTED, SAD, OR SHOCKED if I don't trust him. Because in the first place I wouldve known you're not telling the truth straight up and it wouldnt come as a shock if the truth actually comes up. But how many times have the story been different from what he actually told me? Do I really have ZERO reasons to react how I react? I don't think so.

Some days I really wonder..... How much worth am I to him.... How much sacrifice is he willing to give up for me.

I also wonder why I can love so fiercely.... I feel like I can give so much that I am so scared of myself already. I'm so scared to give only to lose out in the end. I'm so scared to give so much only to know he doesnt even love me enough to choose me during quarrels.... T_T

I don't doubt his love for me. But I just hate that it is unequal. I hate that I love him more and I hate that I show it more T_T I've been pulling back. At least TRYING to pull back. I still fail..... I can't stop myself from just caring or showing that he bothers me. Issit because I fail to play the love game that's why he can do anything he wants to me? I don't know T_T

I'm just so scared? I don't know why but the past 1 month all he's been doing is really telling me what bad stuff he's capable of. I really don't know what to feel about it and I feel fucking pain thinking of all the things he told me. I feel fucking pain having those images constantly replaying in my head. It's not that I want to but every single time when he blows, he says so much shit that triggers that side of the memory. He underestimates that trauma I have to overcome. He really underestimates it so damn much....

He ask me why do I keep sort of bringing up "So you want to break up" this when things get super heated up... It's not because I want to. It is because the way he said certain things and the way he confronts the situation shows me that he doesn't think of the aftermath of what his words and actions may cause to me emotionally and mentally. I think of all that shit because I know it'll somehow hurt him in a way or another if I were to just say whatever the hell i feel like saying at the heating moment. So when I try so hard not to do it, I don't see why he cant..?? When supposedly priority is to protect each others' hearts. I DONT WANT to break up i only want to WORK BETTER on the relationship. Thats why I choose to not hurt using words. I choose to make sure certain things that are not supposed to be said will never be said. But he always say things that really causes fear and trauma????? It just makes me question like if this is how its going to be its not gonna work out at all so whats the point? I mean my brain just simply can't connect it with 'oh hes just being angry right now saying shit he doesnt mean'. Because obviously he means it and he obviously did it because he know it'll get to me. And thats the fucking suckiest part. Using my vulnerable side against me. Knowing that I will freak out but he does it anyway.... T_T!!!!!!!

Are you able to bravely say that even when life gets boring, you'll still choose me?
Can you say loudly that you will never go find excitement elsewhere?

I'm a wrecking mess. But even when I am I wish he chooses me.. Because I still chose him at his angriest points of life. I deal with all the hurtful shit he says.. Time and time again I deal.. T_T So can he please for the love of me just love me so much that he doesn't wanna hurt me? Can he love me to the point where I'm worth more than his anger? Can he love me so much that he doesn't mind seeing me at any point that he is capable of seeing me..? Can he stop being calculative and telling me how many things he has already done? Instead shower me more just because he thinks I deserve it?

When it hits me like that I really wanna cut contact with everyone. I'm losing myself and expecting someone else to comfort me till I heal. Right now I'm a fucking emotional wreck but I'm pretty sure he's feeling nothing much. This is what sucks. I have so many nights of fear and trauma that I have to fight alone.. I feel so alone T_T Some days I feel so sorry for myself. Like why do people have to deal with me. Like honestly if I were to disappear who the fuck knows? I always use this timing to disappear. Because honestly nobody fucking cares la. Who the fuck cares. If they didnt have plans with me for the next week or so, I really wouldve just gone MIA. Because really though I don't think anyone cares enough to know whether I still am alive.

I may regret writing so much shit because I literally have nobody to talk to. But it's my only way to voicing out how i really feel.. T_T

I'm so tired. & I don't even know what to feel anymore. I can't believe though. I actually said it out. I said "Spend time with me". After almost an entire day of me doing my work and just basically being by myself, while he plays his game with his friends. Its now 1.45am. I laid on bed, hoping that he'd give me some time to ourselves. He didnt. He said to me "Later I need to play game." I even repeated 2-3 times, like huh? He dared to repeat whatever the fuck he said. Alright. Continue neglecting me. Honestly though, it feels like I am here alone. There's just background noise thats all. As sad as it sounds, it is true.

I don’t get enough credit for being such a strong woman even though I’m weak as hell. I don’t get enough admiration and i don’t get enough thank yous. I’m tired and I hope it’s just my pms talking.

Can’t remembered when was the last time I cried this much. I’ve been holding in so much. So much feelings that it’s gonna explode. What’s wrong with feeling? Am i feeling for the wrong person because he doesn’t have the capacity to understand my feelings? I don’t understand. It’s been roughly 2.5 weeks since I started to feel this way. I thought things would get better on my part. Did it? No. How do you even talk to a partner that always end up telling you that “That’s your problem not mine.” What’s the point of even talking about your feelings?

I haven’t felt my heart broken in a long time. I can’t believe he don’t feel like it’s anything serious. I feel tired. I feel like I need something to make me happier instead of this dull and depressing zone. When one thing goes wrong, everything else follows. I’m not gonna be the girl last year. If anything I’ll not even entertain any single bit of it... My heart is too weak for that. It fucking sucks to put someone through something like that mentally. You have no idea how i feel. U really don’t. But it really doesn’t matter. Because end of the day I am me you are you. Whether we end up a wedded couple at the end of the day, I know if things go south in any way, I can only fight for myself and pull myself up..

There may be times I do feel maybe I mean a lot to you. But the pst 2.5 weeks have slowly been all about yourself. Your needs your wants. You you you. When all I think about is also you you you. So end of the day, who’s thinking about me.....? Nobody. Who’s there to listen to my sorrows who’s there to perk me up when I need someone to make me laugh....?

So what? So what if we’re tgt for a long time? Does it mean the love can die just like that? Does it mean you can throw attitude at me whenever you like? It just gives me the permission to do the same. I shouldn’t be getting a different treatment from you because that’s how you are when you are angry. Where’s the part where he’s the bigger person trying to protect me? Where’s the part where he’s the bigger person and he doesn’t wanna see me sad.....? I don’t see it at all and I’m fucking sad. I want someone who’s able to dote on me and not fight with me like a fucking enemy. What’s so hard about that? I really don’t understand anymore and I’m really so tired and sad.

He tells me no grudges. How sure are you even sure? How long again do I have to recover from this? You just have no clue the kind of mental and emotional process it takes to recover.

I’m sad. So sad. So heartbroken.

I always think about bad shit and then posting bad shit over here but right now at this current moment, I wanna make this as an appreciation post to my one and only boyfriend. I believe at the end of the day, regardless whatever kind of fights we have, we still fight for each other and love each other. I’m really so thankful for that. No amount of words really can explain how I feel.

Yesterday night a huge wave of past memories came back. I have so much difficulties sleeping on top of missing his presence next to me. This morning I woke up, I felt like he was so far and I hated that feeling. I know it must have been just me seeing him everyday and suddenly he’s not there. For the first time, this was a good feeling. I feel like everytime when we meet up for too long, we may get too sick of each other. Nowadays it doesn’t feel like that. Although we definitely still have very horrible arguments every now and then but it’s not an everyday issue. We both have our own flaws and I’m really happy we both are aware of it and are willing to work it out to make it better for the both of us...

We’ve came such a fucking long way.... This journey I do feel like some memories needs to be erased but I guess with time, those memories would not be as loud as now. It would be covered by memories that are more lovely and happier. Thank you baby for choosing me everyday. Thank you baby for making the smallest effort everyday. I’m glad you chose love, I’m glad you chose me and I’m glad we’re where we are. Every call you make to me shows me a lot from you. I hope you do know that I appreciate everything. I’m happy and I’m happy that we don’t so easily give up on each other. I miss you a lot already even though we just said goodnight. Maybe it’s one of my emotional days and maybe I will get better through the week, but I really wanna take this opportunity to tell you that you’re the world to me. I love you so fucking much baby.. ❤️

These are screenshots of our convo we had almost everyday one year ago. It’s so sad that I could remember every single bit of detail that happened last year no matter how hard I try to forget about it. I guess distraction made time passed faster. But suddenly now that he’s out spending time with his friends, I’m left alone with my thoughts again. Plus the past week or 2, it has been really distant even though we see each other almost everyday. Maybe that’s why I feel quite neglected and left alone.

Hopefully we can have a good alone day tomorrow.. I really need some bonding time.. Kinda losing touch with it.. It was probably the post before this that I said something about wanting to kiss him passionately and all that.. But when I see him, I feel like we’re so far apart that it doesn’t seem like it’s right to do it? I don’t know what I’m feeling but I know I don’t like what I’m feeling. I just wanna really laugh at stupid things together and feel closer. I’m not feeling it.

Major sad face.

I suddenly have a very strong feel for some passionate love. Like i wanna kiss you passionately wanna go on a romantic date and just have all the jittery feelings from just making out with you but :( It seems like it’s one sided.. As much as being comfortable is such a nice feeling but once in awhile I’d like to feel the crazy in love feeling you have for me. I don’t really know how to trigger that emotion out of you and that’s kinda sad haha.

Can’t wait to have a mini date with u just so I can feel some fireworks. It has been such a down week emotionally due to family issues that I’ve been just feeling so distant lately and I don’t like it at all :( One week already and I still feel like that. Sigh. You don’t entertain my nonsense anymore instead you just like get frustrated over the smallest stuff or even when I attempt to be silly.. I wish we can get it back soon. I need some love 😭😭😭😭😭

This situation really triggered me but I really can't believe he doesnt know the seriousness of this to me. Like so many things can be a joke but weight and looks is definitely not a joke to me. I've told him a million times already? Since young I've been called fat and ugly for the longest fucking time and it always make me feel like crying. How many times I've been on a diet or shit like that just because I hate being fat? Recently I let loose alittle. Yes may be because I feel happier with him and I do feel a little hungrier at times. Yes I do agree I've put on weight but I will lose it soon. Because I know my weight has always been fucking stagnant since I was 14 years old. I've always been around 64kg since then. It will always fluctuate by 5kg or i'll gain maximum 4kg. Never been heavier than this. When people say I gain weight or I look fatter, I do agree because it must be because of that few kgs that I gained.

When his brother came back this week, he questioned me "Why you never go think of slimming down?" I didnt wanna answer. I just said my weight has always been like that. He asked again "Currently are you around 60kg?" I'm like yeah and he totally exclaimed and said "WTF THATS SO HEAVY" You have no idea how offended I felt. In the past, Yaohui wouldve scolded his family member if anyone of them mentioned my weight, mentioned that i was fat. Nowadays he don't even give a shit and that added on to my sadness. So yaohui's brother just continued yapping about my weight. Talk talk talk keep asking me to slim down to 50KG but I literally dont even wanna hear a single word from his mouth anymore. Like I was on the brink of crying alr and it sucked so much that my boyfriend didnt even realise that because his phone was way more important. I fucking hate it when people call me fat. Like what the fuck is your problem do I need you to tell me I'm fat? Do I not have eyes to see myself? But alright many days passed and I kinda forgot about it until today when this topic was brought up again. This time we were talking about his brother's ex girlfriend. My boyfriend said that she used to be slim until she became steady with the brother. She gained alot of weight during the relationship. He could've ended the story there. But no. He had to make me an extra example. "Like you. Last time you like slim one" <- When he said this I literally went like wtf? Since when was I even slim? My weight was ALWAYS the same just plus minus 3-5kg. I didnt even wanna hear what he was gonna say at the back because he must have wanted to say that I gained fucking alot of weight now? I felt so fucking sad. Like wth WHO FED ME TILL LIKE THIS? LIKE WHO MADE ME EAT SO MUCH?! I felt so fucking shit he totally have no idea even up till THIS MINUTE he doesn't even fucking know how much this is affecting me. To him it seems like I can't take a JOKE but this is NOT a joke to me.

But this woke me up. This just shows me that I shouldnt stay in my comfort zone and I should try my best to look as good as I possibly can for myself and not for anyone else. I don't deny there are many times I do try to look better just for him but end result he only calls me fat. Lol. Wtf. I'm sorry but fat jokes are not funny to me. It doesnt show me any sort of affection and I'm sorry your girlfriend is FAT. But im sorry theres no way i will eat like usual already there's no way i am gonna eat supper at all.

52th Month

It’s currently 3:26 and it’s one of the rare nights that I can’t get my mind to rest and go to bed... 

In all honesty, life has been treating me very well lately. I won’t say our relationship has no flaws. There definitely still many things to work on but I’m glad to know that we’re on this page together and I’m glad that finally our efforts balance it out. Hence, I am willing to accept certain things that may have been a red flag for me. Because despite that, he still showed me this relationship is important to me. Yes there are still times that I don’t believe his words because of history. But it’s really his actions that speak way more than words can ever speak for himself. And I’m FUCKING glad he’s been doing it and I’m not even kidding when I say I’m so happy and thankful for it. 

I won’t deny tonight is the night where shit thoughts enter my head again and I choose to write it down. It’s so hard to control these thoughts and I feel like these thoughts attack me at least once every month. I was super fine just now because I had such a happy video call with my baby and it made my entire night and I was so happy and blessed. Menses took over me emotions took over me and here I am right now. 

One year ago I was in such a shit place I asked myself how did i pull through those few months alone....? I honestly still feel a lot from then every time these flashbacks happen. It hurts me a lot and you really have no idea how much I’m fighting against myself. The kind of pain is so unbearable that just reading through my own messages I could feel it.. All the emotions flooded back in and I felt like I got confused for a moment which was the past and which is reality. 

I love this man so much, then and now. Every single year my love seems to never change. It may seem like I’m joking and lying but I kid you not when I say I really remember every part of this relationship since 2014.... There are a lot of things I don’t say to him because honestly there isn’t even a time where we really talk about our feelings, have a heart to heart talk.. I talk to myself la, like now. 

Tbh I’ve slowly been trying to let go certain paranoia that I used to have. But sometimes just sometimes I get sunk right back into it.... Sometimes because it is just in his nature to not talk about specifics and that honestly doesn’t secure me. Of course instead of throwing my insecurity at him, I try hard to work around the situation instead. I slowly try to make him talk instead of expecting him to talk to me.. I still get scared a lot of times. Sometimes all I want is to be proven WRONG. And it really feels fucking good to know that behind ur back, ur man is still a loyal one.... And i really just need that. And even though i don’t extravagantly show that I’m so happy that he did this for me, inside i’m dying of happiness. Because this is really all i need to stay sane. To know that he has nth to hide, to know that he’s so willing to be open with me. 

I’m honestly happy where this is going. Somedays I’m afraid but I want my baby to know I’m really not a perfect woman either. And my feelings as much as I can try my best to be strong, there are just times where I really do need him to be stronger than me to hold me.... I’m happy that he’s been thinking about how I feel and really it took him many years to get here. Yes it may have been a little long but I’m still glad he’s here with me. I’m also happy that writing this post made me write all the happier stuff instead of all the stuff that I was upset about. This shows myself that my head is still filled with more positives than negatives at this point of time. 

One step at a time, I have faith that one day he will be the man he wishes to be. For himself, for me, for his future kids. 

In less than a week this man will be back into my arms.. 

It's pretty scary how fast I can so willingly give my all back to this guy. After all that has happened, I'm honestly scared to bits. So many times I ask myself if he'll be there to protect me. Will he take care of my feelings instead of hurting me further. Will he leave me with another girl again. Will he keep a life behind me and I am just completely out of it and have no clue what is going on at all.. All these are just so scary to me. 

It is true I've decided to give it another go.. But at the same time I ask myself if I can be truly myself infront of him. Does he truly accept me for me or just the "me" he fantasizes in his mind? Nobody is perfect. I am not perfect. I'm a flawed individual that just wants him to love me wholeheartedly. My flaws I'm very aware of but the past have really scarred me alot and up till now I'm still afraid to voice it out. I don't feel like I'm myself. I feel like it's only so nice now because I did not voice it out. It's as if that's the trigger point for the relationship and somehow I feel like I'm living in delusion just because of this one thing that I'm afraid to bring up. He doesn't know how much his words affect me. I don't know if this is scary but I really remember the things he say about me, especially if its about the things that I'm flawed at. There have been times recently that he has assured me about certain things. It's nice to know.. But what if things just really go south again? I really don't know how to save myself.. What if he decides to save himself again and leave me one side? This fear keeps coming back to me. I don't even know how I can talk about this to him because it's just such a "negative" topic in his eyes. Some days he tell me "You don't need to tell me I will automatically do it". I just feel like I should wait and watch.. Would he protect me when things go south between us or would he protect himself..? Would he be willing to constantly remind me how much he loves me so I can forget all the pain that I went through..? 

Many days I pretend like all is fine but when night falls, and when I'm alone, all the bad feelings come back to me. I feel abandoned. I don't know what to trust. I don't know who I can run to to seek comfort.. I get scared to pick up the phone to call because I remembered how many times he rejected my calls.. All those feelings keep haunting me.. Just a slight tone in his text message scares the shit outta me.. But I just want to be myself.. Because that's what being in a relationship is right..? You accept one another regardless of their flaws.. 

The past few months really just made me realised how you can never ever force someone to do something. If you really mean something to him, he will go through mountains to show you that he's the one for you. If he really cared for you and really cared about what you think of him, he will not risk jeopardising anything just because of something minor. No matter how much you love the person, no matter how much you show him and tell him that you can give your all, as long as he doesn't feel the same, he will never ever love you the way you want him to. There's so much so much difference in the way he treats me now.. All those prawning experiences scarred me for life. I could remember every single fight and every single conversation we had because of this relationship.. I still feel there's so much truth in the things he told me previously.. But my heart and my mind wants to believe the current him now. My heart tells me to give my all to this soul right now. I'm still very scared though.. Really very scared.. I really don't know how even to sometimes mention these few things that I think is really damn important to make sure this relationship don't become sour again. 

We have came so far.. It's been 4 years already. & its so true that you really take a long long time to know someone. Up till now I don't think I've know him entirely. & For sure he doesn't really know me either.. But yes during this crucial 4 years, everything that has happened and for everything that has changed, you were the only constantly in my life 247.. For 3.5 years that constant never ever changed. Its heartbreaking to know and just feel that this might be taken away from me again. If that day comes again, I have to know that I should walk away.. Because I deserve somebody who only wants me and not wants the entire garden.. The grass will ALWAYS be greener on the other side especially when you're with someone for a long time.. It's a decision made by the self to go to the greener side or stick by the side that's been dying off.. There's still such a long road ahead of us and I'm really.... Scared to bits. 

I don't deny though. I really love this guy and I really wish to see him succeed in life. Maybe that's why I always become controlling.. I end up becoming a "mother" figure to him because I want him to go on the right path.. I always get so disappointed when his words don't tally with his actions. Especially if it happens time and time again. The funniest thing is I get most upset when I see him suffering because of his own doings. I get upset FOR HIM. Not for myself. It's as if I'm already part of him and he doesn't understand that.

All he needs is ask for help and I'll always be there to help. Sometimes this is probably my biggest flaw and that's what they say people always "eat" me. Because instead of letting others know where I stand, I end up rewarding bad behaviour or bad habits instead of helping them be a better person themselves.. Horrible me sigh.. 

After writing about how scared I am... I do know one thing for sure is that the current feelings make me feel like the old yaohui is returning slowly but surely.. I truly hope this continues when he's back in Singapore.. I don't know why but I'm just scared of him returning back and then shit goes down between us again because of drinking, money, girls... Etc.... I'm scared. I'm honestly scared. These are the things that I have already foresee but please.... I just wish he'd prove me wrong. I just wish that whatever nonsense that I have in my head, he will make sure every single thing doesn't happen. 

Prove me wrong. 

But I'm thankful for doing all those small little things that make me feel a little safer about your feelings for me. For making me feel like I'm finally your only one. For making me feel like you're willing to put in the effort in me. Even when I'm at my most raw and ugliest state, you can still kiss me and love me. Thank you for that. I really hope I really just hope so badly that we can be stable emotionally.. I hope one day I can throw away the doubts. I can be very fucking sure that you won't keep things from me. I can be so so so sure that you will never leave me one side when things go bad... I need that secure feeling about this relationship.. Sometimes I get it and sometimes I don't.. It's bad I know but I just need this secure feeling to get so stable that nothing can break it apart..

I've been doing alot of self reflection lately and I really just think my life is like ...... ???? Confused.

There used to always be a goal in my life and that included him inside. He was my motivation and he was my goal. To start a family of our own and to build a little space for the both of us. After so much that has happened, I realised that I may be the only one who has such dreams and is working towards that dream. I feel so lost and empty. It's so easy you know, to just live day by day, spend all the money that you have just for that moment of "joy", and then at the end of the day, what do we achieve....????? Nothing.

I feel so aimless. I wish there was a drive in us. I feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. I got to put it down first that I cannot control his life. I can only control mine. & Somedays I feel sad that he's not on the same page as me and I don't really know on what terms am I able to enlighten him. I don't know what's the reason why he wants me by his side. Some days I'm so confused as to where this relationship is going... Tbh I can say 4 years ago I was young and dumb enough to you know make mistakes. But right now 4 years later, he's 27 turning 28 soon and I'm 23 turning 24 soon... Time is just simply not on our side anymore and I'm just wondering when can we ever be stable....? I'm not even talking about financially because honestly financial stability can only come if the self is mentally stable... When can we ever be matured enough to talk like an adult...? Some days I really feel like I'm in a high school relationship. Is it because this is my first relationship? Maybe? But it's not the first for him... I thought he wanted to settle down and I thought he wanted to wife me...? When can we ever talk and have adult conversations..? I need someone to guide me but right now it seems like I have no one to talk to and I really just wish for things to be stable..

Sobs I'm legit panicking and being so alone right now.. T_T

I'm so sad, what a sad few days. Sigh. Like I'm trying so hard to be like some independent bullshit woman but its really not working out. I'm really sad he's away from me. I'm really sad that he can't be here for me even virtually. I'm trying SO HARD you know SO FUCKING HARD not to like spam message him. Every single mother fucking time when I feel sad and lost and just want someone to talk to and he's not there, I just want to still message anyway. But before I click send, the whole scene of him calling me irritating will flashback in my mind. Every single time without fail. I'm not even kidding about this. Sometimes I don't know how I'm even gonna like get over this "phobia". I want to call him. But every single time I'm just gonna feel like I'm fucking irritating. Just the way he said it. It's as if it's already engraved into my mind that as long as I spam message him, I'm a irritating fucker.

I'm sad that I'm the only one feeling like this? Or at least I'm the only one showing that I need him? It feels like he doesn't even need me and I feel like a stupid idiot every night feeling so clingy and needy. Like I need him so much even if he doesn't pay attention to me. This is fucking shit. He can live without texting me.. He shows it that he can live without knowing what I'm doing or what events I have the next day etc.. Like really if I don't initiate any convo, there will be no convo between us. I'm so sad right now.

If I voice it out, I'll be named as the unreasonable one...? Because I'm supposed to be the understanding girlfriend. I'm supposed to be the one to comfort him. I'm supposed to be the one to make him feel better. Right then what about me? Yeah I get that he's at outfield. I get that he has missions to do. I get that he can't text 247. But in the meantime I'm also waiting for his texts. I'm waiting for him to be free. I'm waiting for him to have some time for me. He doesnt find that time for me.. For 2 days alr I realised he'd spend it on social medias, watching shows.. Rarely spend the minimum time talking to me.. That's the difference.. Between me and him... If i had just 30min break during work. Or even 15min.. I dedicate the entire 15-30min to him because in my mind it is the only time I get to talk to him and it is precious to me.. T_T

I don't even know how his entire day goes. I don't know when is his break. I don't know what he's up to. I fucking dont know anything at all. I get that he's tired. But are these excuses really valid if you truly missed me and truly wanted to talk to me..? I don't think so.. If I don't message him, he doesn't really message me back either. Every morning now he wakes up 2hours earlier than usual because at Australia, its 2hours faster than SG. Means he spends like 6-8hours without talking to me while he's awake yet he doesn't even send any single text to me other than just a "good morning". Some days I really question if I'm even giving him any joy or am I just being a delusional fucker. I keep trying to find reasons to give my entire heart to him because at any point in time I know I'm ready to fall. But whether he's there to catch me or not that's another question. Whether he feels the same as I do it's also another mystery..

Everyday he wakes up to my spam messages of my true feelings. He feels happy looking at it while I on the other hand feels like shit because he doesn't show anything to me. I feel like he doesn't even bother at all. Really. Am I supposed to just assume and be delusional from him doing nothing that oh this guy really loves me? No i cant. Its been about 5-6 days since he left and I only felt ONE genuine "i miss you" from him and I literally teared when he sent that cuz it felt genuine. He really doesnt know how much he impacts me. Some days really I just wonder when will he ever know how much he means to me.

Right now I'm panicking over my exam tomorrow because I'm supposed to be studying but I've been procrastinating till the end of time and I honestly don't think I can even pass.. If I can't pass then what's the point of studying.. T_T

You literally have no idea how it feels like to be so fucking depressed about yourself. This year just can't get any worst emotionally for me. I'm so tired of being me. I'm so tired of looking at me. Regardless of how many good friends I have beside me and even a companion, I just can't get past me. I'm struggling so much this year internally that I'm about to go crazy..

Yo have no idea how it feels like to look at your skin and just cry because you feel so fucking ugly about yourself. You dont know how it feels like to look at all the flabs and stretch marks and think "I didnt even fucking eat so much what did I do to deserve all these fats?" I literally lock myself up in my room because I don't want anyone to see me bare faced, not even my family members that's correct. Even infront of Dyl now it's just impossible for me to look him in the eye bare faced unless the light is off.

My life is a fucking mess itself to add on to the physical aspects. I lost my passion in dance and I cry every single time I look back at past videos. There will be times I wanna jump back into going to classes but every single time I try I get even more scared. Why? Because I feel so fucking shitty bout myself and I just can't catch up and I just become so depressed after class.. Everything about me fucked up this year. I lost everything. Really until now I still don't know where I went to.. I really don't know who I am anymore. I'm so tired I really just wanna give up on my entire life and disappear from everyone..

You dont know how hard I try to not overthink about stuff. You dont know how hard i struggle to smile everyday or just stay neutral/positive if possible.. I never thought I would've reached this part of my life where I really don't know where my fighting spirit for myself went. I just feel like my life is fucking worthless and I don't know where and how to start picking myself up..

Its fucking easy for people to say man the fuck up and stop glooming and make a change. Its fucking easy but you have no idea how much mental destruction is going on in the mind to stop you from making that change. I've been fighting alot. I've been trying my hardest not to break down not to think about these kinda shit and tell myself "Things will be better" "Be patient and things will go smoothly" No it fucking doesnt. It fucking doesnt!!!!!!! I'm so fucking frustrated because nobody fucking understands me and I just feel so so so soooooo fucking alone in all of these. Who the fuck do I turn to when I feel like shit? Who the fuck do I call when I'm up at 3am, lonely and sad? I only have me and my destructive self. It's a fucking vicious self cycle that I fucking cannot get rid of.. I want to be happy.. I want to think of happy things but the world just isn't a happy place..

I really. Never felt so shitty about myself physically, emotionally, mentally in my entire life. This level has taken its toll on me and I just feel like I can never get out of this.

😭😭😭 You honestly have no idea how I’m feeling right now.. I don’t know what’s with me suddenly being so attached after telling myself that I shouldn’t be like that.. Because who knows when you will leave me again and I’ll be all over the place again and feel all those shitty like hell feelings again.. It fucking sucks and they say only fools will let themselves feel it again. I’m supposed to be strong and stand by myself not feel so empty without you but it feels so natural to just wanna cling to you 😭😭😭

I know you’re going for a work trip and it’s been like the 5th time you’re going yet I just can’t seem to get used to it 😭 Now it’s even more different because even though we’re back together, me not seeing you for a few weeks just reminds me of how well you could live without me and just how much you pushed me away... It’s triggering all the wrong feelings and I thought I would actually be fine when you are gonna go australia. I don’t know why the moment you left I felt like I’m in pieces 😭

I’m scared of being the only one like that cuz i don’t want to be!!!!

All these flight feelings just reminded me how fucking shitty i felt when i went Bangkok..... so fucking shitty it’s impossible to even comprehend and right now even if you wanted to console me it’s fucking impossible until 14th october or even later... 😭😭😭😭 Even though you tell me it’s different now and tell me not to worry, I can’t stop myself from feeling all of these because those emotions were so real and baby I’m so scared... 

Right now my bed feels so fucking empty without you... Sometimes I think I’m fucking crazy to be feeling so much for you because it drives me crazy also and I don’t know why I can feel so much for someone. I really think I’m nuts no joke. This is impossible.. I’m having too much withdrawal.. 

This is the 5th month since we broke up. As the months pass, I just feel further and further away from where you think we’d end up. Right now we’re only here with each other because of comfort. 

Yesterday you totally ignored me for a good 2h and refused to talk to me. Today yet again you threw your temper at me. I’m tired of this already. I don’t know what we are anymore. We’re not a couple and we’re not friends. 

Nowadays I just try my best to get used to being alone. Because this is how you’ve made us to be. I can never lean on you because at any point of time you can just give zero fucks about me. This is coming from a guy who used to love me so much? Lol.... Everytime i think about it i just feel sad. 

This will never go away. And we can never be back together again. Every bad situation that comes between us just shows how much I will never want to be in this kind of relationship. I will never want someone who doesn’t fight for the rs. I will never want someone that can see me in pain and just ignore me. I will never want someone that can just refuse to solve the situation and do his own things like it doesn’t even matter. I don’t know about what you’re thinking anymore but in my mind I just know the more I love the more I care, all i get back is hurt. I’m tired of thinking if there’s someone else out there you’re being sweet with. I’m tired of thinking about your financial issues. I’m tired of your attitude and your mood swings. Things that i used to be able to tolerate, now is just no longer worth it in my eyes to tolerate anymore. Why must I even be scared of you? I find myself damn hilarious. I look back now and I can’t believe I’ve been crying my eyes out for 3 months straight while you’re out there drinking, living your own life. I can’t believe I was so willing to give up everything in my life just to make this relationship work. I can’t believe every single time I just let you scold me and I did nothing to protect and help myself. Man I’m done being that girl. I’m not born into this world to be treated like that. Took me 5 months to realize this but yeah.. The old yaohui will be back..? Nah. Really no. Lol. He won’t. The old yh clearly knows how to love me. Now this guy is just a heartless cold guy. I’m seriously tired of all these heartless nonsense alr. If this is how you’re gonna keep portraying yourself to be, then let me tell you I believe what you show me. So i believe I’m not worth it to you and overtime I have realised that it’s not worth trying so hard anymore. 

I’m tired of asking what we are anymore. I’m tired of trying to fix things and work things when there’s literally no improvements in anything. I’m tired. I can’t wait for the day where I can finally just let it go and say fuck it all. Time heals all wounds. And right now even though we both say nth bout it, we’re slowly getting used to being by ourselves. One day we can lead our own lives. Every single day now I tell myself, I can live even without you. I’m strong enough to conquer this. I’m tired of forcing you to love me. I’m tired of telling you how i should be loved when you clearly know how i should be loved. I’m fucking tired. But yeah it’s fine. Not like anything’s gonna change between us. Let’s just put it this way, our fate to be together has long been destroyed. There’s no way we can go back to how we used to be... Not even close. 

Yesterday I had a dream. A dream that felt so real and yet so unreal.. The dream took me back to the days when he still loved me alot. When he was proud of being with me, when he would voluntarily tag me in random stuff on social media, when I was still on his whatsapp photo, when I was still on his phone background, when our polaroid was still behind his phone casing, when I was very obvious the only girl in his life. When I dreamt of this, I was lying right beside him and it hit me in the heart when I woke up. Because things were no longer the same and it'll never go back to being the same. I can't imagine it going back to the way it was anymore. Every single day as the day pass, I feel myself getting so immune to everything. I stood there for a good 1-2 hours thinking about the dream when I woke up. In my mind all I could think of was how I could go back to those times.. It will no longer.

How does it feel like to be asked to fuck off by someone you love?
How does it feel like to be treated like shit when he is in the mood to?
How does it feel like to be called "irritating" by someone who claims to love you?
How does it feel like when you're drunk and you reach home and you wanna tell him you miss him but you know he's just gonna fuck you for it and go back to sleep while you're there being sad alone?
How does it feel like to know that at any point of time, the person who claims to love you can just treat you like an enemy?
How does it feel like when you do everything unconditionally for the guy you love and yet he doesn't even feel a single bit of blissfulness?
How does it feel like to care for someone's health only to get a "can you stop nagging alr" reply?

I try so hard to relief myself of those pain. Everyone ask me to move on. Everyone ask me to date someone else. Everyone tells me no one wants to feel miserable everyday just let someone else love you. Easier said than done. I will just end up hurting the other person even more because I'm no longer willing to trust and believe so easily anymore.

I'm tired I'm just tiredddddd. Why must I be 247 thinking whether hes talking to another girl. Thinking whether he's interested in another girl. Thinking whether he's flirting behind my back. Fuck lol..Why would I want a guy who's gonna consistently fuck off from me just when I need him the most? I really can’t picture my entire life with a guy like this anymore.

Even if I’m actually dating someone else now he probably wouldn’t even know. Lol. Cuz why? He. Does. Not. Care. No. Fucks. Given. He doesn’t care about how i feel. Every single time when I’m out late, all he does is show me attitude through texts. Tired then wow loads of angry words out. Doesn’t even bother trying to understand how i feel and how much I just need someone to be there at certain times. Lol. Fucking lol. The guy who used to be there for me 24/7 is fucking gone. He used to be there at any point of time. He would tell me to call him or text him if i couldn’t sleep. Now? No fucks given. He’ll say he’s tired and just no fucks given to me. Wow. Lol. Some days I don’t know what i do to deserve this. I just feel like no matter how good you are to someone, as long as they just don’t have the heart anymore, nothing fucking matters alr.

Honestly at this point of time.... It’s just a matter of getting used to it.. Who am I kidding lol aren’t I single? He doesn’t even act like my bf in any way. Lol... 一个人的生活.. 习惯就好.. 没关系了.. I’m tired. It won’t work out. Don’t know how does he not see that it’s not working anymore. I really lost every faith left. The guy i loved can never come back.

I'm back here again, writing the story of my life nobody ever cares about.

I miss being held by someone who cares about me. I miss someone who constantly wants to see me. I feel helpless knowing time and time again I just see myself recalling past memories and that's all I can ever do. Because I know I can never get back that person that used to be. I'm trying to come to terms with it and it hurts. It hurts that you're still here but you're just an entirely different person. It hurts that I cannot let go because 10% of my heart thinks having you here is better than having no one here. But I cannot keep going on because it hurts just looking at you and feeling like you're gone.

This article is so appropriate for you. "You're going to regret losing the girl who loved you so much." Oh wells. Maybe I'm wrong. But everything this article says about me is true. I was putting you above everything and everyone. I was willing to do anything for you regardless yet you didn't treasure. Excuses time and time again, telling me that it's just for the time being.. I'm really just sad that I can never get you back. It sucks to just hold on to memories and feeling so empty when you're right infront of me. This is really going nowhere.

She was the kind of girl who would be racing to send you a reply on her phone because she didn’t want you to think that she was making you wait.

One day, you’re going to wake up and you’re going to realize that she’s no longer waking up beside you -and she’s probably going to be waking up elsewhere for the rest of your days. She’s actually going to choose to be with someone who deliberately chooses to be with her every day. She is going to choose to love someone who loves her back just as much something that you never did for her. You might cross paths a few more times in the future, but it won’t matter much to her. She might not even take notice of you because she’s too happy with the love that she has now. She will look like that same girl who once loved you but with one significant difference she loves someone else now.

She will no longer look and lock eyes with you the way that she used to. She is no longer going to drool over the sight of you. Her heart is no longer going to skip a beat at the thought of you. She isn’t going to romanticize you any longer. Know why? Because when she found out that you would never be willing to give her the love that she gave you, then she just chose to devote all of that love to herself instead. And she became infinitely happier as a result. You are going to notice a confidence in her that you’ve never seen before the same kind of confidence that you threatened every single day you were together.

AND WHEN YOU START TO TAKE NOTICE OF THE FACT THAT SHE’S MORE SURE ABOUT HERSELF, YOU’RE GOING TO FEEL A PINCH OF REGRET. YOU’RE GOING TO KICK YOURSELF FOR NOT LOVING HER THE WAY THAT SHE DESERVED TO BE LOVED. YOU’RE GOING TO REGRET LOSING A GIRL WHO ONLY WANTED TO LOVE YOU.

You’re going to miss her so much but you’re never going to get the chance to win her back. You are going to grow regretful of the way that she chose to love you convincingly and wholeheartedly. She was the kind of girl who would always be ready to talk about you and make you the center of attention in the relationship. She was the kind of girl who would be racing to send you a reply on her phone because she didn’t want you to think that she was making you wait. She was the kind of girl whose phone calls you rarely ever returned because you didn’t think she would be worth the time.

nd then you’re going to give in to a few of your temptations. You’re going to look over your old pictures and mementos. You’re going to reminisce about the great times that you had with her and you’re going to learn to appreciate them now because you never really did make the effort to appreciate them as they were happening. It’s only now where you will really start to take notice of the little things that she did for you and the relationship. It’s only now where you will really develop your attention to detail. It’s only now where you will really learn about just how good you had it and how stupid you are for letting it go.

YOU’RE GOING TO MISS THE TIMES WHERE SHE WOULD RANDOMLY BRING YOU A GIFT JUST TO SHOWCASE HER THOUGHTFULNESS. YOU’RE GOING TO MISS THE TIMES WHERE SHE WOULD TRY TO HIT YOU UP JUST TO CHECK UP ON YOU AND SEE HOW YOU’RE DOING. YOU’RE GOING TO MISS HOW SHE ALWAYS TOLD YOU THAT SHE LOVED YOU CONSISTENTLY – TO THE POINT WHERE YOU DIDN’T REALLY PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO IT ANYMORE.

And in these moments of vulnerability, your feelings and emotions are going to come crashing down on you like a fallen building. You’re going to be remorseful at the idea of you never finding another girl who will love you the way that she did. You are going to be sad at the fact that you’ve just lost a girl who deserved so much more than you ever gave her. You’re going to regret losing the girl who love you too much.

And now you’re just going to wallow in your sadness. You’re just going to drown in your sea of regret because there’s not much you can do to win her back. She’s chosen to move on and she’s happy because of it. In this scenario, you are the one who came out as the loser. You have to move on but it’s going to be so much harder for you. Because really, how can anyone ever move on from the one person who loved them in ways that no one else ever could or ever will? She was one of a kind. And you let her go.

It's been so many months and I'm still as miserable as ever. Do I still love you like I did before and am I just in love with the memories of you? I remember how insistent I was that you still loved me the same.. I remember how many times I told myself the man who can fight so much for me will never just give up on me so easily. I was so so so blinded by love. Regardless of whoever told me you're moving on and you're just using words to hold me back, I refuse to believe. Because I thought I knew you.. How wrong could I have been?

This relationship has been testing my self limits. Everything that I couldn't accept, for you I changed my own morals. You called me toxic and I deemed myself as toxic. You said I was not thinking for others and only thinking for myself, I believed. You could even blame me that I was the cause for you to cheat. You were the one who caused everything to fall apart and yet you threw all the blame to me and I took it in. When you were at your lowest, I was the one who was there picking you up, giving you support. When you had no money, I was the one who was there to help you. What did you do with that money? You spent it on some other girl. Do you not realise how fucking fucked up that is? That alone is enough for you to deem guilty for life. You really don't respect me and my hard earned money at all. I should've realised that from the moment you left me and yet I still blindly stuck to you thinking if I do more than before, you will return. The fool is me.

I was willing to give up everything in my life for a person who didn't even fucking give a shit about my feelings. I was ready to walk out of my own comfortable house, walk away from my parents for a person who wasn't even my boyfriend. That was how dumb I was. Someone who can't even understand what true love is. Someone who cannot understand people's feelings at all. Good things don't drop from the sky. You earn it. If you blame people's success, then you deserve none. You have no idea how much hardship people go through. How many people work so hard to get to where they are. What have you been doing? All you do is be impulsive and listen to no one but yourself. Even when you know you're destroying yourself, you refuse to ask for help and you think whatever you're doing is right.

From the moment where you told me you didn't have any time for me and we shouldn't meet up as often anymore, I should've known things have changed entirely. I should've been firm with my own gut instinct and not let you manipulate me into thinking I was overthinking shit and being crazy. So many times I should've left. Yet I didn't and because of that, it gave you more reasons to disrespect me. Because I allowed it to happen.

Whatever that you've told me on Sunday, it's still stuck in my head. You have became whatever you said you wouldn't be. You used to tell me how I was the only girl you loved and you can never see yourself loving someone else. You used to tell me how I would be the only one that you're willing to be so good to. You used to be so angry with guys who disrespected me. When I was sad, you'd be sad. When I was happy, you'd be happy. Now all you ever tell me is:

1. I can't commit
2. I don't want to care about anything including you
3. We're good during the good times but during the bad times I'm gonna be fucking pissed
4. Please stay but I'm not willing to do anything more than just sex and empty words
5. I got nothing to hold you back
6. I can't cherish the times now because of the way I am

You can't even assure me that I'm your only girl. Are you kidding me? You expect me to give my all to someone like that? I'm sorry I can't do it. Don't take my kindness as a weakness and don't take me for granted. So what if I love you? Right now I don't know who the fuck is this person who can just simply walk away from me when shit goes down. I don't need someone who'll do that to me.

Now I ask myself, so what if you return? It doesn't matter anymore. Fuck that shit cuz I'm so tired of holding onto someone who doesn't even try at all to find any worth in me after I did so much for him. Instead of appreciating me, there you are screaming over my insecurities when you're the biggest cause of it all from all your shady and fucked up actions that nobody can ever understand.

You think I'm threatening you? I don't think so. You destroyed every bit of hope and faith left in me. I don't know how you can bear to hurt someone you love and not feel anything. I don't know how you can be so open to options when you can tell me you love me. That's not love. That's being fucking selfish because you are scared to be alone. Because deep down you fucking know no one can give you what I give you. Yet you still choose to take me for granted. Then yeah. My heart has turned cold. & I no longer think this relationship is worth another try. It is long dead. You are tired and so am I. Thanks for making someone who used to have so much faith in this relationship even when it was in pieces lose every single bit of feeling left in this.

I'll not let you treat me like shit again. & I am damn fine with you leaving. I don't know who are you anymore.

I need to laugh at myself. I remember not being able to post all my previous posts and a lot of them ended up in drafts because I was afraid that he was still stalking my blog. LAME I obviously have given myself too much credit. The yaohui you know now is really no longer the yaohui who used to love you SHANETTE TAN WAKE UP UR IDEA. I remember how I'd always be shocked that he actually bookmarked my blog on his browser. Now its no longer there. Like it never exists.. And he never visited it for a really long time already. Yet here I am really thinking wow no Yaohui still loves me like before he still cares for me like before when it is SO OBVIOUS really so obvious everything has changed... 

T_T Everything changed. Yet I am still here. For what really? 

He doesn't really ask me about my whereabouts nowadays anymore. He doesn't really ask me about my schedule anymore. Its no longer something he thinks about constantly anymore. Only when there's nothing else to talk about between us, then the topic will rise and he might ask. I could literally be out right now at this moment and he can wake up the next day knowing nothing because thats how much he doesn't care. 

He doesn't care about my wellbeing. He knows so well out of everyone in my life, he affects me the most and yet he hurts me the most with every action he chose to do. Whether its being angry with me or being defensive about certain issues, or the choice he made to do behind my back.. How can someone be serious with you and still do this? I'm confused. Yes we are not together by status. But I really believe a status is nothing if the heart is genuine. 

I used to tell myself why accept someone who has already strayed? Why must you beg for someone to be in your life? He has shown so much that I'm not enough for him and he doesn't feel that much remorse in everything he do. Yet I still find ways to reason out why he did what he did....? It doesn't make sense really. In every situation I don't know why am I the only one fighting for this. I'm getting so tired. 

Why hold someone who wants to run away when things get bad...? Why hold someone who can't resist temptation? Why hold someone who can even give you the basic needs of a relationship? He's obviously blocked himself out from all emotional availability. We used to be on the same page because of love. But now he can't even give me the basic needs of love.  

Its true that a guy is born to chase what he wants. It is just not right for a guy to sit there shake leg wait for the girl to come to him because its just not in a genes of a guy. Especially him. Because when he wants something, he makes sure he gets it... I'm no longer the something that he wants badly. Every single fucking action has already shown me he can do without me. He can treat me like a punching bag whenever he wants. He doesn't even have any fear that his actions will make me run away. He just assumes that I will be here forever and he deserves everything I've done for him. 

I don't feel any gratitude from him.. I don't feel any bliss from him when I do things for him.. I feel like I'm not even giving him whatever he wants in a rs. I don't know what that is because honestly I really feel very far from the guy I once knew. Sometimes I stare at him and I think if I even know this guy anymore cuz I honestly don't know what he's thinking about anymore. I can't understand anything. Really who's this guy anymore...? 

Does this guy even remember who Shanette is? How Shanette feels? Or does he only think Shanette as a fucking easy and weak girl to target..? How is it that I'm wife material to him and yet he can just ..... I don't know fuck care everything? He really chose to destroy everything. 

I really see no light in life. I honestly don't see any future in me anymore. If i can even live past 30 I think that will really be a miracle already. 

Tbh at this stage, if things go south again and all.... I don't think its worth staying anymore. Does it even make a difference whether I'm in his life or not? No sia. Really no. Sex? I obviously am not satisfying him. He can get it from somewhere else or he can just diy. Love? I'm obviously not giving him the love he wants. Girls? Lol he can get it anywhere anytime. Even if he doesn't, he finds joy seeking and hunting. It really doesn't matter like who the fuck am I to him anymore? What the hell I can't even answer the question already. In others eyes, I'm just a play thing to him. I'm a girl of no status. I am a fucking idiot to people's eyes because all I am to the public is just a fucking "FRIEND" with benefits. In reality, OYH is a single dude. 

What about me? I'm an idiot thats suffering all by myself. Constantly thinking of how to solve this relationship on my own. Facing all the problems on my own. Didn't even have the thought of finding a new guy. Didn't even give any new guy a chance because I'm so fixated on wanting the one guy that doesn't wanna put effort in a relationship anymore and only living for the good times. Lol. 

No more light. Really no more. I can't fight for this by myself. Cuz it'll fail. And it's been falling. I'm just too blinded by love to see it. And I'm just too dumb to realise that he's just all words no actions. 

I wouldn't be surprised a few weeks down the road he's gonna "leave" me again. I wouldn't be surprised if he's gonna fuck it all and give up again. Cuz from the moment he gave up on this, HE WAS ALREADY GONE. From every single situation that I went through I still blindly thought like no deep down he still wants me he still loves me. Lol. When all he did was gave me false hopes on everything and just using words to hold me back. He already chose someone else. He already made me a back up plan. Like just selfish. I told myself if there was another girl in the damn situation I wouldn't even give a thought and leave. Yet look where the fuck I am. 

Maybe it took me long but I think right now it's very clear. Just very very clear.. I don't think it'll be anytime soon that he's gonna be emotionally ready for me. & by the time he thinks he's ready to feel again, I would've been murdered emotionally by him. I love him but love is just not like that. I can't be the only one trying to cool him down when he's angry. I can't be the only one being there for him but he's never here for me. Constantly telling me to deal with my problem myself and telling me he doesn't want to handle all those anxiety and everything. 

Really just fucking hurtful. Everything hurts. It doesn't matter also if he doesn't understand. End of the day, I know he'll hate me. No matter what. Whether I try or whether I don't, he will hate me anyway. And that's not love. Yes I'm fucking hurt by the actions he did to me. But up till now there's not angst in me at all. I don't feel like I deserve this. But yeah I can only blame myself for believing that he really loved me and he wouldn't hurt me. 

He will hate me for doing too much, and he will also hate me for doing nothing. I don't know man. It's legit not me anymore. Cuz I've done everything I could. And its obvious enough I'm just simply not the one for him.

How good does it feel that I've been his fucking girlfriend for almost 4 years and his friend of less than 4 months can tell me like "Oh i can see that is yaohui's type of girl" AND THAT TYPE IS NOT ME? How hurtful is that seriously? Fuck it all man I can't believe everything that has happened. & I allowed it to happen to me because HE KNOWS that I'm an easy target. Simple as that.